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Thread: Just need some brutal honesty as im not coping well!

  1. #1
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    Just need some brutal honesty as im not coping well!

    Hi all.
    I'm in abit of a pickle and think just by tapping out what's gone on will (I hope) make me feel better, especially if I get some brutally honest replies back.
    As back ground, my now ex and I dated 6 years ago for a few months and due to circumstances outside both our control, stopped dating and became friends who spoke almost every day while friends. In that time, we both ended up with other people but both felt like there was something unfinished between us and referred to each other as the one who got away.
    I wont pour out every detail of her previous life, however she was known as someone who moved on quickly from relationship to relationship yet when we spoke about it when together, she said she was a teenager/early 20's and had a jaded view on men and relationships which had changed since being with me.

    Long story short and fast forward 5 years to June 2019, she moved to the same town as me, not only the same time but the street next to mine (so she lives 100m from my flat). From that point, we started dating. In that time we went on multiple holidays abroard, many weekends away and met/spent time with each others children. Issues cropped up on both sides however we worked through them and finally got into a relationship January this year. There have been a few more arguments for the last couple of months but nothing I didn't think was fixable. Saturday just gone she came over for a BBQ with her kids and was talking about our future, making future plans with my daughter and being super affectionate towards me. She spoke about plans for my birthday this month she had lined up, mentioned us living together in future etc. She also acted all excited that my mum was coming around to collect my daughter, thinking she was going to get to meet her for the first time.

    She went on my phone while I was outside with her daughters and took offence to an innocent message between me and a work colleague who works for me.
    Me: Is the work thing tomorrow? Make sure you pay close attention to everything they do, I want to know how to get it fixed!
    Her: Yes it is! I will do don't worry, I'll let you know what happens with it
    Me: Excellent! You're a good egg!
    Her: Your favorite egg (angel emoji)
    Me: Some could say!
    Her: I'll take that as a yes

    That was the extent of the message which she had issues with and screenshot to send herself. Her issue being the some could say statement was seen as me encouraging flirting?!

    I walked her and her kids home, she broke up with me there and then. That very same night within 4 hours of ending things with me, she had her ex boyfriend over for the night. We met sunday to exchange property and she said he slept on the sofa and was there to help with the kids because she was hysterical (because I couldn't sleep that night I went for a walk and ended up walking past her flat, heard the 2 of them laughing which is how I found out he was there). When we met to exchange stuff, she said he would be over the sunday night too, to help with the same childcare as she was so upset.
    Monday night she had a different bloke over for the night as again, her flat overlooks the playing field I go for a run on. I have since changed my running route to avoid her place as much as possible.
    This woman up until very recently was calling me her soul mate, the person she wanted to marry, never loved anyone as much as she does me. She said last week she couldn't picture being with anyone else because anyone else would just be a downgrade and that she is already with her perfect man. She was also constantly saying how bad her ex was, he didn't provide for their kids, he turned her friends against her, physically assaulted her (including once since they had broken up and she lived here) etc.
    I'm so confused by the whole situation and feel like a fool. I'm in a dark place because not only have I lost the woman I wanted to marry, opened up too more than any previous woman and haven't been so happy in a relationship before but I have also lost a best friend of 6 years.

    I've tried many things to help ease the pain; spoke to friends, family, drawn up lists of bad & good (bad outweighs the good massively), drawn up a list of how much I spent on her in the year we were together (it was extremely 1 sided due to her not working/getting support from her ex). Some of it helps short term but my goodness I miss her & the kids badly! I wont reel off the full list of stuff spent but as a general idea, I paid for both foreign holidays in full (spending money, flights, hotels, food&drink etc), every weekend away paid for everything, spent 100+ a month easily on getting her&her kids a food shop, paid for every meal out we had as well as got the food in for every meal we had in etc. I raised towards the end of our relationship that it could be seen as the reason she is with me to which she went absolutely mad and said she was done with asking for my help as I kept throwing it in her face and making her feel bad for it, she wanted to be less dependant on me moving forward. To which I agreed, pointed out I never had an issue helping her out as I would never see her or her kids go without food..but it didn't last long before she asked for help with a food shop again.

    There is a lot more I could say but it has already turned into an essay so thankyou for anyone who has read this to the end and thank you to anyone that leaves a reply! But please - the more brutally honest you are hopefully the easier this will be for me and the quicker I will get over this. At the moment I fear that if she sent a message saying it was all a mistake and she wanted us back together I would jump at the chance. I know that's extremely unlikely to happen, she's blocked me on some social media and i've blocked her on the remaining ones. Thanks again for reading.

    Thanks in advance for any replies, thanks even more for any replies which are brutally honest and ease the pain i'm feeling.

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by DQD
    Hi all.
    I'm in abit of a pickle and think just by tapping out what's gone on will (I hope) make me feel better, especially if I get some brutally honest replies back.
    As back ground, my now ex and I dated 6 years ago for a few months and due to circumstances outside both our control, stopped dating and became friends who spoke almost every day while friends. In that time, we both ended up with other people but both felt like there was something unfinished between us and referred to each other as the one who got away.
    I wont pour out every detail of her previous life, however she was known as someone who moved on quickly from relationship to relationship yet when we spoke about it when together, she said she was a teenager/early 20's and had a jaded view on men and relationships which had changed since being with me.

    Long story short and fast forward 5 years to June 2019, she moved to the same town as me, not only the same time but the street next to mine (so she lives 100m from my flat). From that point, we started dating. In that time we went on multiple holidays abroard, many weekends away and met/spent time with each others children. Issues cropped up on both sides however we worked through them and finally got into a relationship January this year. There have been a few more arguments for the last couple of months but nothing I didn't think was fixable. Saturday just gone she came over for a BBQ with her kids and was talking about our future, making future plans with my daughter and being super affectionate towards me. She spoke about plans for my birthday this month she had lined up, mentioned us living together in future etc. She also acted all excited that my mum was coming around to collect my daughter, thinking she was going to get to meet her for the first time.

    She went on my phone while I was outside with her daughters and took offence to an innocent message between me and a work colleague who works for me.
    Me: Is the work thing tomorrow? Make sure you pay close attention to everything they do, I want to know how to get it fixed!
    Her: Yes it is! I will do don't worry, I'll let you know what happens with it
    Me: Excellent! You're a good egg!
    Her: Your favorite egg (angel emoji)
    Me: Some could say!
    Her: I'll take that as a yes

    That was the extent of the message which she had issues with and screenshot to send herself. Her issue being the some could say statement was seen as me encouraging flirting?!

    I walked her and her kids home, she broke up with me there and then. That very same night within 4 hours of ending things with me, she had her ex boyfriend over for the night. We met sunday to exchange property and she said he slept on the sofa and was there to help with the kids because she was hysterical (because I couldn't sleep that night I went for a walk and ended up walking past her flat, heard the 2 of them laughing which is how I found out he was there). When we met to exchange stuff, she said he would be over the sunday night too, to help with the same childcare as she was so upset.
    Monday night she had a different bloke over for the night as again, her flat overlooks the playing field I go for a run on. I have since changed my running route to avoid her place as much as possible.
    This woman up until very recently was calling me her soul mate, the person she wanted to marry, never loved anyone as much as she does me. She said last week she couldn't picture being with anyone else because anyone else would just be a downgrade and that she is already with her perfect man. She was also constantly saying how bad her ex was, he didn't provide for their kids, he turned her friends against her, physically assaulted her (including once since they had broken up and she lived here) etc.
    I'm so confused by the whole situation and feel like a fool. I'm in a dark place because not only have I lost the woman I wanted to marry, opened up too more than any previous woman and haven't been so happy in a relationship before but I have also lost a best friend of 6 years.

    I've tried many things to help ease the pain; spoke to friends, family, drawn up lists of bad & good (bad outweighs the good massively), drawn up a list of how much I spent on her in the year we were together (it was extremely 1 sided due to her not working/getting support from her ex). Some of it helps short term but my goodness I miss her & the kids badly! I wont reel off the full list of stuff spent but as a general idea, I paid for both foreign holidays in full (spending money, flights, hotels, food&drink etc), every weekend away paid for everything, spent 100+ a month easily on getting her&her kids a food shop, paid for every meal out we had as well as got the food in for every meal we had in etc. I raised towards the end of our relationship that it could be seen as the reason she is with me to which she went absolutely mad and said she was done with asking for my help as I kept throwing it in her face and making her feel bad for it, she wanted to be less dependant on me moving forward. To which I agreed, pointed out I never had an issue helping her out as I would never see her or her kids go without food..but it didn't last long before she asked for help with a food shop again.

    There is a lot more I could say but it has already turned into an essay so thankyou for anyone who has read this to the end and thank you to anyone that leaves a reply! But please - the more brutally honest you are hopefully the easier this will be for me and the quicker I will get over this. At the moment I fear that if she sent a message saying it was all a mistake and she wanted us back together I would jump at the chance. I know that's extremely unlikely to happen, she's blocked me on some social media and i've blocked her on the remaining ones. Thanks again for reading.

    Thanks in advance for any replies, thanks even more for any replies which are brutally honest and ease the pain i'm feeling.
    Ok brother here it is.

    I know you have a list that leans way towards the bad, but your heart isn't catching up with the logic.

    The reality of the situation is she has a mental illness, that sort of flipping you describe is indicative of a slew of behavioral disorders.

    So while I know your Attached and she is meeting those inner needs in most instances, the reality of the situation is do you really want a mentally ill dependant?

    That is the first choice you are making if you made any step in her direction.

    Hope this helps a bit with getting your heart on board.

    We are here for u brother.

  3. #3
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    Hi Gator,

    Thanks for the reply and kind words. The sad thing is I 100% agree with what you're saying but im struggling to sleep, eat, concentrate at work etc. I genuinely saw her as the woman I would marry as well as my best friend.

    I have spent all day today reading posts on this forum in an attempt to find a short cut to get over this but even doing that my mind goes back to her!

    To then flip it, my head goes to all the memories I have of the fun things we did together and imagining her doing it with other blokes and I feel sad. She's an attractive woman that drinks a lot, she's easily peer pressured into things and I feel sad for her living that life!

    I need to get a grip for both mine and my daughters sake but just cant seem to snap out of this!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Welcome to ENA

    How fast did you expect to not feel the way you are right now? 6 years is a long time to have someone in your life, be in love with and then they are suddenly gone and instantly seeing other guys. You are not a robot, you are human so give yourself a break here and allow yourself to grieve the loss of what you thought was forever.

    I don't think any of us need to convince you that you are better with her out of your life. Your mind knows the logic and the facts but your heart will not let go so easily. It takes time and work to heal that wound.

    You cannot save her from herself, only she can do that.
    You cannot fix what she thinks isn't broken
    You cannot love her enough to make this better

    Acceptance is the key to your healing. Being brutally honest with yourself is right behind acceptance.

    There is no snapping out of anything. You are hurting so let it flow over you but do not allow it consume you. As time and acceptance come to you the amount of time to dwell over the relationship and her will shorten and the time you live your life will lengthen.

    Heartbreak sucks giant monkey butt, I feel for you

    Lost

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Brutal truth....Dude she has always been doing this with other dudes and dripping the same syrup in every single ear willing to listen and buy her bs. Also, how on earth do you think she magically jumps from one bed straight into the next? She always has a guy or two or three going on the side. You were never special or different, just another dude willing to give her attention and buying wholesale into a whole lot of verbal ego stroking bs.

    You've spent way too many years feeding yourself bs about the one who got away, a very romantic story, except she is the one you should have left on the side of the road and never looked back.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Hi there.

    I'm sorry. this does hurt and there are no short cuts through it, other than to ride it out.

    I completely agree, she displays some kind of poor mental health, immaturity, inabilty to cope in an adult mature manner.

    not diagnosing anyone. Just saying flipping like that and not allowing a discussion or anything and going straight to break up, is not what someone in a healthy situation/state does. It rather shows, there is another side of this situation that you have zero knowledge of.

    If it helps, I had someone flip on me like that. Like day and night. There wasn't even an event like a text or whatever. It was all them. In this case, it could be all her and the text gave her an out.

    You may never know. I never found out the truth of my situation. It was very painful. he moved on and whatever... he never tried to apologize or say, I didnt deserve that treatment.

    He loved me one day, didn't know me the next. The walls went up and there was nothing to be done but to accept the situation.

    I felt very embarassed and like a loser for a time... but eventually, I decided, that whatever I did, to contribute to his dumping me, like a bad habit and whatever he was thinking, it was on him to communicate better IF he wanted things to work out. And as painful as it was for me to feel and realize, he was choosing to NOT work anything out. He decided it was over, no input from me needed.

    That is cruel to be on the receiving end of, but that was their choice. I do not believe, this can ever be overcome. If she did regret this, in time, how would you ever get that equal balance back? you couldn't. You would never know, how close you are to the edge of being dumped, one toe out of line. It would be completely unhealthy.

    The best thing you can do, is to explain to your children that sometimes adults make mistakes, too and that your family will always have each other, to help each other through situations that are out of our control. That adults can decide not to be together anymore....(or whatever is age appropriate.)

    you know how to make it so your kids understand. And be strong for them, let them see that you are ok. push it away in front of them. Since she lives close by, let tjem know, if they see her, its ok to say hi and be polite. They need guidance and reassurance on what to do.... be a resource for them. bad stuff happens, we live through it and love each other.

    in the long run, you want to show your children how relationships should work. Maybe that will help you. Because them seeing you jerked around will not set a good example.

    good luck. keep posting. we're here for you

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    Thank you Lambert, DancingFool & lostandhurt.

    Your messages all help and make very valid points, they make perfect sense which both hurts and makes me feel better in some ways. She said such nice things at the right times that made me open up to her right up until recently and im struggling to believe she didn't mean them contrary to all evidence. I know that there are 2 sides to every story and i'm sure I have stepped out of line several times in the relationship that upset/annoyed her. I never for a second thought about cheating, was never inappropriate with another woman either sexting, leading one on etc at all and constantly told her she was my ideal woman. Her final message to me was "she knew that I would never cheat on her, it was more the fact that other women thought there was the chance".

    My daughter is upset as the last time she saw this woman, she was being asked if she wanted sleep overs, girly spa days etc next time she was back here from her mums..then when she comes back to find out that we have split and these things wont be happening again. I have tried explaining it too her, that sometimes things don't work out and she seems to be putting a brave face on it but I can tell she is still upset by it all.

    I think you're right Lambert in that I will never get closure from her. I asked her on the sunday to just give me closure that would help me move on with no consequences, I wont be angry no matter what she said. I even said her having her ex over that soon after our relationship ended was the best thing she could have done to help me get over it and the thing I was struggling with would be losing her as my best friend after almost daily contact for so long. That is where she said I don't know what you think happened, he slept on the sofa after tidying the flat and helping out with the kids as I was hysterical. I know that is a lie as her window was open and he is quite loud so heard lots of laughing that night, combined with her saying she was drinking there with him too.

    I know how this makes me sound saying all this, but it has blown my mind that she couldn't just be honest with me knowing it would help me. Her only thing to give me closure was to say " I wasn't a good girlfriend, it's the only thing I can say". I feel really low, almost like I would be better off just going to bed and not waking up bad. To go from what we were to what we are now so quickly after her saying all the things she did is what is making this so hard I think!

    As an addition, nearly all of her ex's are social media friends and she is quite friendly with! Apparently several wanted too (or did) propose to her, the vast majority of her serious relationships only lasted 1 year before she ended them. Her longest relationship was with her ex but he sounds almost the worst one out the lot for her, yet is the father to her children so is tied to her for life I guess!

    I know im rambling, but don't have any paper to write out a journal as of yet!

    I have heard time heals all wounds and that eventually I will be fine, but I feel like (and said too her) this woman is the prettiest I have ever been with, with the best personality and makes me the happiest! I worry I will never find anyone that measures up too her or that will make me as happy as she did, resulting in me being alone forever. I appreciate all the help and the time you have spent reading my rambling, like I say I feel better for venting and reading your replies!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well.....women with good personalities don't accuse you of nonsense, assassinate your character, dump you on a whim and go party with an ex (who doesn't seem to be so "ex") and then lie to your face about it.
    Pretty is as pretty does and what she is doing is anything but pretty.

    I sincerely hope you never meet anyone like her because you deserve better than that. Fortunately, that's not that hard to find if you are willing to take some time out to get your head screwed on straight and check your own values and what you actually value in a person.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DQD
    Thank you Lambert, DancingFool & lostandhurt.

    Your messages all help and make very valid points, they make perfect sense which both hurts and makes me feel better in some ways. She said such nice things at the right times that made me open up to her right up until recently and im struggling to believe she didn't mean them contrary to all evidence. I know that there are 2 sides to every story and i'm sure I have stepped out of line several times in the relationship that upset/annoyed her. I never for a second thought about cheating, was never inappropriate with another woman either sexting, leading one on etc at all and constantly told her she was my ideal woman. Her final message to me was "she knew that I would never cheat on her, it was more the fact that other women thought there was the chance".

    My daughter is upset as the last time she saw this woman, she was being asked if she wanted sleep overs, girly spa days etc next time she was back here from her mums..then when she comes back to find out that we have split and these things wont be happening again. I have tried explaining it too her, that sometimes things don't work out and she seems to be putting a brave face on it but I can tell she is still upset by it all.

    I think you're right Lambert in that I will never get closure from her. I asked her on the sunday to just give me closure that would help me move on with no consequences, I wont be angry no matter what she said. I even said her having her ex over that soon after our relationship ended was the best thing she could have done to help me get over it and the thing I was struggling with would be losing her as my best friend after almost daily contact for so long. That is where she said I don't know what you think happened, he slept on the sofa after tidying the flat and helping out with the kids as I was hysterical. I know that is a lie as her window was open and he is quite loud so heard lots of laughing that night, combined with her saying she was drinking there with him too.

    I know how this makes me sound saying all this, but it has blown my mind that she couldn't just be honest with me knowing it would help me. Her only thing to give me closure was to say " I wasn't a good girlfriend, it's the only thing I can say". I feel really low, almost like I would be better off just going to bed and not waking up bad. To go from what we were to what we are now so quickly after her saying all the things she did is what is making this so hard I think!

    As an addition, nearly all of her ex's are social media friends and she is quite friendly with! Apparently several wanted too (or did) propose to her, the vast majority of her serious relationships only lasted 1 year before she ended them. Her longest relationship was with her ex but he sounds almost the worst one out the lot for her, yet is the father to her children so is tied to her for life I guess!

    I know im rambling, but don't have any paper to write out a journal as of yet!

    I have heard time heals all wounds and that eventually I will be fine, but I feel like (and said too her) this woman is the prettiest I have ever been with, with the best personality and makes me the happiest! I worry I will never find anyone that measures up too her or that will make me as happy as she did, resulting in me being alone forever. I appreciate all the help and the time you have spent reading my rambling, like I say I feel better for venting and reading your replies!
    I totally understand... I, too, thought a person was the best I would ever find. Handsome, athletic, professional successful, funny, kind, all of it. Read my words: HE WAS NOT. you can and will find better.

    Some of what your ex is doing, is to keep her ego in tact. She can only say she was not a good gf. I think mine said, I don't know what to tell you. I'm damaged.

    thats like Hanibel Lecter saying, All I know is, I was hungry. Not so bad to be hungry.... but the details that he was a cannibal, puts that in a different light.

    saying she never thought you would cheat, but the other girls thinking you might is the problem. That is completely manipulative. you can never manage that.... and she knows that. Its the same as my ex saying he has trust issues... that's zero ownership and somewhat like a war on drugs... sounds good, but what does it actually mean?

    Sorry for your daughter... this is another deal breaker that you can focus on.... don't jerk around children. her inabilty to communicate with you, is also causing her to be hurtful to the children. this woman is awful!

    A healthy adult handles situations. if a break up must happen, its not a switch. if plans need cancelled with a child, then an adult offers to discuss with the child with you.

    Listen, one of the hardest things for me to learn, is people, like water, seek their own level. She keeps crappy ex bfs as friends and the father of her children is the worst. Says a lot. That is what she is comfy with. She is unable to rise to your level and that's the truth. We are who we hang with.

    Its probably easier to be with losers, she's always better than them (in her mind). Being with a quality person may make her insecure and nervous bc she knows she's keeping guys on the back burner for when she blows up the situation. which she did and she's back to her comfort zone.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Let me guess, YOU were going to have to pay for the spa days, weren't you?

    She is a mooch. I don't care how tough she has it, if she can't support her kids there are programs she can apply for. Not the "Use Boyfriend For Money" program but actual government assistance.

    I was a struggling single mother and not one time did I use a guy I was dating for money.

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