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Thread: Just need some brutal honesty as im not coping well!

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Yes, flirting. Would you speak to a man like that?
    Hi Sherry, I did indeed speak to the male colleagues that work for me in exactly the same way, I even went into other chats with these guys that work for me and showed her where in the last couple of days I have said to all of them individually that they were good eggs! But again, what I've just said doesn't take away from the fact that you as a woman can see it's flirting. I have raised with my ex 6 years ago I am hideously na´ve when it comes to flirting etc due to my upbringing in a all male school and have never really picked up on those sort of things. It has got me in several situations over the years and is another thing I need to work on for future - not everyone being nice does it without an ulterior motive I guess!

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Keep her as a permanent ex, please. This one is no good. She's all over the place and needs to figure out a way to support herself and her kids reliably without a revolving door of men.

    There are so many red flags. Thank your lucky stars you have no kids with her.

    And that you never married her and this didn't last long and she had the gall to go through your phone.

    Your comments are flirty, by the way. Your subordinate is out of line. Don't play favourites and don't answer texts next time. Just call your staff and clarify instructions over the phone especially when you suspect an employee is highly reactive or has difficulty taking instructions clearly or misconstruing your words for something else.
    Thank you Rose for your reply! You're the 2nd person to point out the texts came across as flirty which I genuinely never saw them as, so again it is something for me to work on - thank you again for pointing it out because in the long run it will help ensure I don't go through feeling like this again!

    As to why she went through my phone, I put her thumb print on my phone because I had no issue with her doing so - in my mind I was doing nothing 'malicious' and had absolutely nothing to hide! I only found out when I walked back into the house, picked up my phone and saw it was in my chats! I then bought it through to her and said to her I knew she had been on my phone, tried to hand it back to her and said feel free to look though it, ask me what you want as I have nothing to hide and that she only had to ask to go on it anyway!

    There were many red flags - I thought we worked through them all though and I genuinely saw me marrying this woman, she was/is the love of my life!

  3. #23
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It wasn't the 'good egg' bit...it was when she carried it on and said "your favorite egg". That would raise eyebrows for anyone and the conversation should have been put to a halt then and there.

    It's good to have a nice attitude towards work colleagues for sure, but there is a fine line. Messages get taken the wrong way, things said can get taken the wrong way. Your intentions and how it's perceived can be taken the wrong way. I don't mean by your partner, I mean, by anyone. I don't think you'd ever want someone accusing you of playing favorites, or flirting at work or god forbid, sexual harrassment.

    That's why I was saying, best to keep it professional. Then you save yourself a lot of trouble in all areas. Besides, work is work. It's a paycheck. They're not meant to be friends or buddies or potential dates.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    But that's just one aspect that hopefully you can keep in mind.

    However, the other posters have done a great job on giving you insight on your ex and what was wrong. She needs to do a lot of work on her issues. It was not a healthy situation due to many things.

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  6. #25
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    Thank you again Sherry, your comments (as have everyone else's) been taken on board! It has all been a massive learning curve and regardless of what the future holds for me, I will 100% keep this in mind when it comes to work messaging. It seems to me still that even with this new insight on these messages, it was unfortunately just an excuse to end us. I cant see how she went from that day talking of our future buying a house together etc..to having her ex over for the night under 5 hours later based on that when as her last message to me before we went NC was that she knew nothing would happen with me and another woman, it was that other women thought there was a chance!

    However, again your replies (as with all of them) are appreciated! I genuinely feel slightly better after reading them all so hopefully will be able to get a decent amount of sleep tonight!

    It's a shame it ended as I still view her as the love of my life, but if it wasn't meant to be it hopefully means my 'the one' is still out there who will make each other as happy as we can be. As hard as it is to say, I hope already that 1 day she also finds someone that makes her as happy (or happier) than she made me.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DQD
    It does seem that way doesn't it! The funny thing is she has met this woman I work with on a work night out. They went to the toilets together as girls do in which my ex told her I was the one! This woman was telling her that I was a really sweet guy, she was glad she got to meet her etc..but that is what has made her and her best friend who was with her, dislike the girl! Because she said I was a sweet guy which means I was treating her as I was treating my girlfriend and was just that 'nice guy' that is there for all women!

    Lambert, how quickly did you realize that is guy wasn't the best you would find because if I have a bench mark in which I know there is an end it might help because as I say at the min I feel truly terrible!

    Thanks for the message boltnrun, I used to help her out so much (some have said I was a mug) because the ex wasn't paying maintenance or helping her with getting things. I bet now we aren't together though he has found the money to help out with the food shops! He has certainly found the money to pay for the fuel to come over which he never had when I was with her to see his kids!

    I agree Dancingfool, as hard as it is to say! She messaged me on Monday to say she wouldn't ever get back with him as she couldn't ever trust him.. yet he spends a lot of time over there now including for the night. She spent the last year (longer technically as she was complaining to me about him, while with him) how bad he is, was only interested in her for the physical stuff etc which is why my mind has been blown that someone that treated her as she told me he did - is the one she is getting back with?! Part of me wonders if I was just the rebound relationship and she misses being with him which is why this has happened.

    I know technically it doesn't matter why its happened only that it has..but I really cant get my head around it all!
    Sounds a bit like you have the white knight syndrome and she tapped right into that - the damsel in distress who needs to be rescued from that evil SO. I sincerely hope you weren't helping her cheat emotionally. Either way, when someone complains to you about their SO, the correct response is, "sorry to hear that but you really should be talking to your SO about this stuff and not me" and then actually change the topic and refuse to discuss things further.

    Complaining about partners is a double edged sword in that it's how cheaters worm their way into cheating or if not that, monkey branching into the next warm bed OR....it's in general a huge red flag. How she bad mouths her "ex" is how she'll be badmouthing you too. Either way, completely inappropriate behavior that should make you instantly weary instead of feeling special.

    Also, with people like her, you actually have no idea if anything she is saying about her relationship, about her ex is actually true. Keep in mind that most convincing lies are those with some grain of truth. In other words don't rush to say "no, she isn't a liar because that one time...."

    Ultimately she seems to be highly narcissistic - very typical of narcissists to discard abruptly and move on to another shiny toy. Here is the catch though....if you don't block, delete and otherwise get rid of her for good, these types will come crawling sniffing around again for round two or ten or twenty and discard you over and over as well. They don't see you as a human being and they don't actually care about anyone but themselves and their convenience and entertainment - you are just a tool to be used and discarded whenever.

    Only way out is quitting cold turkey. It's like getting rid of addiction because yes, these people can be highly engaging, charismatic and while their attention is on you, make you feel on top of the world. Too bad there is always the cold discard, the dark side. You get off the roller coaster ride by well....stepping right off - no contact, block, delete, never again. You need to actually do it, make that choice. It's empowering and makes moving on easier.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Sounds a bit like you have the white knight syndrome and she tapped right into that - the damsel in distress who needs to be rescued from that evil SO. I sincerely hope you weren't helping her cheat emotionally. Either way, when someone complains to you about their SO, the correct response is, "sorry to hear that but you really should be talking to your SO about this stuff and not me" and then actually change the topic and refuse to discuss things further.

    Complaining about partners is a double edged sword in that it's how cheaters worm their way into cheating or if not that, monkey branching into the next warm bed OR....it's in general a huge red flag. How she bad mouths her "ex" is how she'll be badmouthing you too. Either way, completely inappropriate behavior that should make you instantly weary instead of feeling special.

    Also, with people like her, you actually have no idea if anything she is saying about her relationship, about her ex is actually true. Keep in mind that most convincing lies are those with some grain of truth. In other words don't rush to say "no, she isn't a liar because that one time...."

    Ultimately she seems to be highly narcissistic - very typical of narcissists to discard abruptly and move on to another shiny toy. Here is the catch though....if you don't block, delete and otherwise get rid of her for good, these types will come crawling sniffing around again for round two or ten or twenty and discard you over and over as well. They don't see you as a human being and they don't actually care about anyone but themselves and their convenience and entertainment - you are just a tool to be used and discarded whenever.

    Only way out is quitting cold turkey. It's like getting rid of addiction because yes, these people can be highly engaging, charismatic and while their attention is on you, make you feel on top of the world. Too bad there is always the cold discard, the dark side. You get off the roller coaster ride by well....stepping right off - no contact, block, delete, never again. You need to actually do it, make that choice. It's empowering and makes moving on easier.
    Thank you for your reply DancingFool, as always the feedback is appreciated. Do you mean when you say you were hoping I wasn't helping her cheat emotionally that you thought I was encouraging her to talk bad of him while they were together? Because if so, no every-time she complained about not being taken out on dates, being ignored etc I told her to take it up with him if she wanted things to change.

    I will be stealing that correct response for any rare time that situation arises again, because I truly don't want to feel like this again!

    I see your point in not knowing if the things she said about her ex were true, which to be fair has been in the back of my mind for quite a while. I raised it with her and said im struggling to see why she was so nice/bent over backwards to accommodate his demands when he did all these things too her/refuses to come see his kids unless he can stay at her flat because he 'cant afford the petrol' etc. She said it was because she grew up with 2 parents who hated each other and didn't want to have that for her girls.

    We've blocked and deleted each other on every form of contact we had previously and I have purged my house of all photos/gifts etc so hopefully this NC cold turkey will speed things up ASAP but it will be hard with her living 100m away.

    One thing I haven't mentioned is on top of her excessive alcohol thing (she drank 2 bottles of wine Saturday at the BBQ Saturday and drank more when she went back to hers), she also had a heavy coke habit when she was with her ex. My fear (for her) is that she will now downward spiral into drink, sex and drugs which goes back to my previous message in that I feel sad for her and her daughters! I still love her the same and hate to think of her being in that position! One of our earlier arguments, was caused due to one of her drink/drug binges in which she got herself in a situation with bringing some men back to hers who wanted more than just to party. She told me a version the next morning which is why I believed her as if she didn't say anything too me I would never have found out about it! Since that day, she swore she was giving up coke and I genuinely believe she did. I know im painting her out to be some horrible woman, but again genuinely I thought she was such a sweet loving girlfriend, couldn't fault her personality! I just wish I went back in time to when I was organising that work fix and just left it at her saying yes I will let you know!

  9. #28
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Oooof...what possessed you to think that a coked out alcoholic, aka dual addict, would make for a good mate, let alone is a person you should be exposing our child to????

    Dude.....stop whining about yourself and your selfish bs and start thinking. Are you into drugs too by any chance? Like wth? What made you think for one second that this woman should be anywhere near your child?! I can understand the whole "she is hot and I want to fck her"....but letting your child get close to her, thinking marriage? Like seriously? Yes, this woman is a bottom of the barrel loser and the disturbing part is that here you are whining about your "loss" and giving zero fck's about being a good father or role model to your child, your own flesh and blood. Literally exposing your child to drugs. Please tell me you are just a clever troll because this is pretty effing bad if your story is actually true.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Yes, that is a game changer. Now we've delved into something that really has nothing to do with flirtatious messages and some very serious issues here.

    You had a very poor choice for a partner and endangering your child is far from okay.

    If you're into drugs too, then that blows the top right off of this all.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Yes, that is a game changer. Now we've delved into something that really has nothing to do with flirtatious messages and some very serious issues here.

    You had a very poor choice for a partner and endangering your child is far from okay.

    If you're into drugs too, then that blows the top right off of this all.
    I'm not into drugs in the slightest. Gave up drinking for 2 years prior to us getting together too, only started drinking again (socially) with her when she came over/when me and her went away for weekends!

    She gave up the coke from that night forward, which was within the first couple of weeks of us dating, I do genuinely believe she gave up the drugs right up until now but I know some of her friends are into it and I know she doesn't have the strongest of wills, its how she has ended up in such awful situations! I genuinely feel sad/terrible that she may end up in those types of situations again. She is genuinely such a lovely woman and an amazing mam! I don't want to see/hear her downward spiral. Part of me wants to go knock on her door in a few weeks, not to get back with her or have any type of relationship talk but to remind her of all the good in her life and to check that she has stayed away from the drugs but im not so sure how that will be received or how it will affect me with how much I currently love/care about her!

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