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Thread: Just need some brutal honesty as im not coping well!

  1. #11
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    It does seem that way doesn't it! The funny thing is she has met this woman I work with on a work night out. They went to the toilets together as girls do in which my ex told her I was the one! This woman was telling her that I was a really sweet guy, she was glad she got to meet her etc..but that is what has made her and her best friend who was with her, dislike the girl! Because she said I was a sweet guy which means I was treating her as I was treating my girlfriend and was just that 'nice guy' that is there for all women!

    Lambert, how quickly did you realize that is guy wasn't the best you would find because if I have a bench mark in which I know there is an end it might help because as I say at the min I feel truly terrible!

    Thanks for the message boltnrun, I used to help her out so much (some have said I was a mug) because the ex wasn't paying maintenance or helping her with getting things. I bet now we aren't together though he has found the money to help out with the food shops! He has certainly found the money to pay for the fuel to come over which he never had when I was with her to see his kids!

    I agree Dancingfool, as hard as it is to say! She messaged me on Monday to say she wouldn't ever get back with him as she couldn't ever trust him.. yet he spends a lot of time over there now including for the night. She spent the last year (longer technically as she was complaining to me about him, while with him) how bad he is, was only interested in her for the physical stuff etc which is why my mind has been blown that someone that treated her as she told me he did - is the one she is getting back with?! Part of me wonders if I was just the rebound relationship and she misses being with him which is why this has happened.

    I know technically it doesn't matter why its happened only that it has..but I really cant get my head around it all!

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DQD
    It does seem that way doesn't it! The funny thing is she has met this woman I work with on a work night out. They went to the toilets together as girls do in which my ex told her I was the one! This woman was telling her that I was a really sweet guy, she was glad she got to meet her etc..but that is what has made her and her best friend who was with her, dislike the girl! Because she said I was a sweet guy which means I was treating her as I was treating my girlfriend and was just that 'nice guy' that is there for all women!

    Lambert, how quickly did you realize that is guy wasn't the best you would find because if I have a bench mark in which I know there is an end it might help because as I say at the min I feel truly terrible!

    Thanks for the message boltnrun, I used to help her out so much (some have said I was a mug) because the ex wasn't paying maintenance or helping her with getting things. I bet now we aren't together though he has found the money to help out with the food shops! He has certainly found the money to pay for the fuel to come over which he never had when I was with her to see his kids!

    I agree Dancingfool, as hard as it is to say! She messaged me on Monday to say she wouldn't ever get back with him as she couldn't ever trust him.. yet he spends a lot of time over there now including for the night. She spent the last year (longer technically as she was complaining to me about him, while with him) how bad he is, was only interested in her for the physical stuff etc which is why my mind has been blown that someone that treated her as she told me he did - is the one she is getting back with?! Part of me wonders if I was just the rebound relationship and she misses being with him which is why this has happened.

    I know technically it doesn't matter why its happened only that it has..but I really cant get my head around it all!
    The honest answer is... I'm not sure.

    For one, I was super duper hurt as you are now. And I had zero interest in dating.

    But! I realized straight away that there HAD TO BE someone better because what they did is not love. and being honest, not what I imagined my love story to include. (the chapter where they threw me away and I begged them and got them back. Not happening...)

    This particular breakup struck me, in a way, that I thought a lot about how did I get myself into this situation? They were a jerk. yes. But.... where did I let myself down?

    it took a lot of learning about myself. What do I think. And where in this situation did I ignore my own best interests out of fear of losing a person.

    This introspection and what I identifed as lies, I told, myself, throughout this relationship and past ones, was hard to admit even to myself.

    While I was doing this, especially at first, I wanted to meet someone else to get over it. But the truth is, I was not able to do this. It broke my heart to be on a date.... I came home and cried.

    So I stopped dating.... I focused on myself, work, friends and family....

    I did get into another relationship. he was better than my ex... in all ways. And I was a better woman, too.

    Disclaimer: I am no longer with this guy and its ok... because I'm different. I'm better. Its not that I don't get hurt or feel anything... its more my faith in myself and what I have to offer is valued by of all people, ME!

    There are a lot of great people out in the world. The way to find them? Let go of the ones that don't meet your standard. They will not change.

    So my advice is don't focus on the next person... focus on getting yourself ready to be an even greater catch.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    DQ

    You are asking questions only time will answer. I did the same thing as many of us have. You are also trying to understand someone so different from your moral character that you cannot grasp the situation of how someone could do what she does.

    There are all kinds of red flags you have ignored because she was really attractive. It happens, hell it happened to me last summer. As soon as she walked into the restaurant I knew I was in trouble if she turned out to be a mess.

    You are hurting and trying to understand all this. Can't sleep well, don't feel like eating, head spinning, feel lost, wondering what will happen to you now. Am I close? We all go through those thoughts during times like these.

    There are people that break up with an abuser that has put them in the hospital several times and they still feel the way you do. Hard to believe but it happens.

    The thing to try and keep close is that it is truly over and that it doesn't really matter why at this point. We could all point out all the red flags and how horrible she has been to you but you will still be hurting.

    You will be okay and you will meet someone one day that has all the qualities that you are looking for. Just don't get blinded by their beauty.

    For now try and get out of the funk you are in. Go do something with a friend or family member just to give your mind a rest. It takes time AND work to heal.

    Lost

  4. #14
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    DQ
    You are also trying to understand someone so different from your moral character that you cannot grasp the situation of how someone could do what she does.
    This^^^100%. Some people are just selfish jerks. All the love in the world isn't going to change them.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    The exchange with you and that woman wasn't okay. It was flirting and neither of you should be talking to each other like that. When she said "Your favorite egg", you should have not encouraged her. She was being unprofessional and had no right to speak like that. It did sound like flirting. I would say whoever that woman was, she had a huge hand in messing things up. But so did you by allowing it. You could have replied back something like "I don't have favorites. I try to be as professional as I can when it comes to work. And mean it. Work is not the place to flirt and behave like that.

    However, your girlfriend also has issues. She obviously doesn't trust you and she didn't sit down and talk with you about it.
    She could have given you the benefit of the doubt and her running off to another man to punish you back, was just plain immature.

    You both had your failings in this situation.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    The exchange with you and that woman wasn't okay. It was flirting and neither of you should be talking to each other like that. When she said "Your favorite egg", you should have not encouraged her. She was being unprofessional and had no right to speak like that. It did sound like flirting. I would say whoever that woman was, she had a huge hand in messing things up. But so did you by allowing it. You could have replied back something like "I don't have favorites. I try to be as professional as I can when it comes to work. And mean it. Work is not the place to flirt and behave like that.

    However, your girlfriend also has issues. She obviously doesn't trust you and she didn't sit down and talk with you about it.
    She could have given you the benefit of the doubt and her running off to another man to punish you back, was just plain immature.

    You both had your failings in this situation.

    Thank you for your input Sherry, I genuinely didn't see it as flirting however that doesn't excuse the fact that my ex did and you're right I am also to blame for this relationship ending. It is yet another reason I think I am so down about it all coming crashing down around me and will take this lesson forwards with me for the rest of my life so I guess it does have some positives come of it!

    It felt to me like an excuse for her to end it, by having blokes over hers so quickly but then that may be down to my view which is why I asked for brutal honesty from anyone who took the time to read the essay I tapped out it is genuinely appreciated!

  8. #17
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Yes, flirting. Would you speak to a man like that?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Treat men and women colleagues the same. Respectful and professional. As they should treat you. No one should get extra attention, or extra little flirts.
    This is work, not a place to date, make friends or act like it's a club or social get together.

    Trust me, you'll save yourself a lot of trouble. Keep business and pleasure separate from one another.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Keep her as a permanent ex, please. This one is no good. She's all over the place and needs to figure out a way to support herself and her kids reliably without a revolving door of men.

    There are so many red flags. Thank your lucky stars you have no kids with her.

    And that you never married her and this didn't last long and she had the gall to go through your phone.

    Your comments are flirty, by the way. Your subordinate is out of line. Don't play favourites and don't answer texts next time. Just call your staff and clarify instructions over the phone especially when you suspect an employee is highly reactive or has difficulty taking instructions clearly or misconstruing your words for something else.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    DQ

    You are asking questions only time will answer. I did the same thing as many of us have. You are also trying to understand someone so different from your moral character that you cannot grasp the situation of how someone could do what she does.

    There are all kinds of red flags you have ignored because she was really attractive. It happens, hell it happened to me last summer. As soon as she walked into the restaurant I knew I was in trouble if she turned out to be a mess.

    You are hurting and trying to understand all this. Can't sleep well, don't feel like eating, head spinning, feel lost, wondering what will happen to you now. Am I close? We all go through those thoughts during times like these.

    There are people that break up with an abuser that has put them in the hospital several times and they still feel the way you do. Hard to believe but it happens.

    The thing to try and keep close is that it is truly over and that it doesn't really matter why at this point. We could all point out all the red flags and how horrible she has been to you but you will still be hurting.

    You will be okay and you will meet someone one day that has all the qualities that you are looking for. Just don't get blinded by their beauty.

    For now try and get out of the funk you are in. Go do something with a friend or family member just to give your mind a rest. It takes time AND work to heal.

    Lost
    You're correct, I was definitely blinded by her looks and physical attributes to begin with - it quickly became more than that for me though and made sure she knew I valued her personality far more than her looks/physical attributes.

    There were quite a few red flags which when my friends heard some of the stuff that had been going on, raised as concerns but I dismissed them. I did this because in my mind, none of them knew the woman I did and in the situation the good far outweighed the bad. The bad she managed to justify/explain and I would say in my head that because she came forward with the information which in all fairness, if she didn't I would never have known about it - it must be true!

    You're 100% right with the not sleeping/eating/feeling sick constantly. I feel like I have a pile of bricks on my chest pinning me down most of the time and genuinely think that I will never meet another woman that comes anywhere near the level of feelings I had for this woman. Hopefully this impression and the previous issues im currently going through disappear soon as it is negatively impacting all aspects of my life!

    I appreciate all the advice and your time in reading this/tapping out your reply!

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