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Thread: Never had a mutual relationship

  1. #1

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    Never had a mutual relationship

    Hi everyone,

    Iím reaching out because Iím feeling really broken and donít know what to do. I used to lurk this forum back in high school years ago and people here tend to give great advice

    Iím 24 and Iíve never had a mutual relationship. Iíve never had anyone give me the love I deserve. As I look back on it, all of my relationships lasted only a few months and Iíve always been the one who put in the effort, I donít think anyoneís ever truly wanted to be with me. Now that Iíve graduated and become successful I feel that thatís probably why I get more attention, but nobodyís ever been serious about me or wanted to commit.

    One of my parents died when I was young and the other emotionally abused me for my entire childhood, so maybe I put so much emphasis on male/intimate love because I havenít really felt it yet.

    Someone who I really thought Iíd end up with has been pursuing me for months and basically just told me that he was coming off more serious than he was and made me feel like he didnít mean any of it at all. He hasnít been talking to me really since we had that conversation, and hasnít reached out or tried to see me in person. This is the third time this has happened to me with someone who pursued me and led me to believe that they really wanted to be with me. Itís one of those moments where I just laugh at myself for actually believing that I could have a mutual relationship like that, and right now I just feel so worthless and unloveable even though I know Iím a good and loving person despite everything Iíve experienced.

    I feel suicidal but would never be able to hurt myself, so I just have to sit with these feelings. I donít wanna be a cold, jaded person but Iím hurting so badly and have been for a long time. I tried to go to therapy and after 1 session the guy told me he didnít think he could help me, he was acting like I was being delusional or something. Idk Iím just done feeling this way.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Being single and facing things on your own, when you want to have someone is hard. I think you might be being hard on yourself. I can tell you, for sure, not everyone is a match. And not all couples are happy in their relationships. This forum alone shows you that.

    But here is what I would do if I were you

    1. Find another therapist. Therapists have different areas expertise and just like everyone else, some you will click with, some you won't. Call your health care and ask for referrals. Call the offices and ask for a consult, as you are shopping for a therapist. Keep searching until you find one that does think they can help you and understands your needs.

    2. Don't wait for someone to love you. Love yourself. Make a list of your interests and the people you enjoy spending time with. spend your time on those things and reaching out regularly to those people. Identify a couple new interests that you would like to explore and then explore them.

    3. Come up with a couple goals for yourself. Something you can accomplish and work towards. It could be anything! Maybe a better routine (get up, make your bed and take a short walk every morning). Or something more challenging like learning a skill or language (look at your list in #2)

    And as far as guys being jerky about their feelings. I'm sorry. I know people can be jerks... But I admire you not becoming jaded or bitter. Save your sweetness for those that deserve it. And know the things people do and say are reflections of them, not you.

    Hang in there!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. See a physician MD. If you have treatable mood or other disorders it's better to get evaluated, then get a referral to a therapist who you have a better rapport with.

    Being in a relationship does not necessarily confer all sorts of happiness. Take it slow, put things on your terms rather than thinking in "I deserve" terms. Just take your time dating rather than "putting in all the effort" trying to make it into a relationship.
    Originally Posted by Canonic
    Someone who I really thought Iíd end up with has been pursuing me for months and basically just told me that he was coming off more serious than he was and made me feel like he didnít mean any of it at all.

    I feel suicidal but would never be able to hurt myself. I tried to go to therapy and after 1 session the guy told me he didnít think he could help me, he was acting like I was being delusional or something.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Right off the bat I see your mistakes. For one a relationship should have reciprocation. If you give and give and give....you get no respect. You can't buy love with an overload of gifts, affection/attention. Second, no one even yourself "deserves" anything. That nice guy thing where you think you are owed for all you do, is called self entitlement. That vibe will have them dumping you.If there is no reciprocation stop throwing yourself at them....walk away. I know guys like you, you feel you will lose opportunity. The only thing you are losing is your dignity and self respect. Now be confident, relax and be more laid back, don't push things, then assess. No fixing, or make it better....simply move on if you feel things are slipping, not looking right.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Canonic
    Itís one of those moments where I just laugh at myself for actually believing that I could have a mutual relationship like that, and right now I just feel so worthless and unloveable even though I know Iím a good and loving person despite everything Iíve experienced.
    It's not you, you're perfectly lovable. It's them. There are a lot of players out there. You are unfortunately very susceptible to them because you are lonely. And on top of that, you are inexperienced, unsure, and grew up in an environment where healthy love was not modeled.

    Before you diagnose yourself with some inherent defect, take a look at this video. I resisted watching it for a long time based on its title, but once I watched it I realized how right this guy was (and why I resisted it in the first place).

    Point is, you need to take steps to take care of yourself.


  7. #6

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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Right off the bat I see your mistakes. For one a relationship should have reciprocation. If you give and give and give....you get no respect. You can't buy love with an overload of gifts, affection/attention. Second, no one even yourself "deserves" anything. That nice guy thing where you think you are owed for all you do, is called self entitlement. That vibe will have them dumping you.If there is no reciprocation stop throwing yourself at them....walk away. I know guys like you, you feel you will lose opportunity. The only thing you are losing is your dignity and self respect. Now be confident, relax and be more laid back, don't push things, then assess. No fixing, or make it better....simply move on if you feel things are slipping, not looking right.
    Hey,

    I learned that lesson long ago, I allow the other person time to really express their interest and make an effort before I emotionally invest because Iím scared of doing exactly what you said ó giving giving giving, coming across as too much, or acting in a way that would make them not respect me. I am loving and nice and a good person because thatís who I am, not how I act expecting things in return. I know Iím not owed anyoneís love or effort or affection, but it still hurts to have someone tell you that they really like you only to withdraw once you feel comfortable enough to invest in them. Yes, I do deserve a mutual relationship and I deserve to be respected which is what I meant when I said that. We all deserve that. I understand what you are saying and maybe I have been those things in the past but Iím not anymore.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    A lot of times it could be that you're looking in all the wrong places. You need to go to where committed people are. Narrow and whittle down your search as opposed to being broad based in society.

    Committed people tend to volunteer a lot in the community, do charitable good works, in church, ministry groups, serving groups and do what they do on a permanent basis. They do what is permanently consistent and not temporary which often times spills over to their personal lives. If you're faith based or religious, you may want to expand your horizons and be with those who are more serious regarding their lives, relationships and they habitually practice empathy.

    When I dated a few men, they were ok for the short term, however, they were duds. I whittled down my pickiness and choosiness and ended up marrying my Christian husband and raising two fine sons.

    Also pay attention to the man. If he has a strong upstanding father figure in his life, he'll know how to behave like a man. Great fathers teach their sons how to be gracious and respect women. An extra boon is if the man hails from two genuinely solid parents, not from a broken home and an overall normal, nurturing, peaceful, loving, stable family background. If that's all he has ever known, generally he'll follow the natural course in life with a committed, sincere relationship which often times results in a long term, happy marriage.

    Change your trajectory.

    Also, after I had dated rejects, like you, I gave up on the dating world. Therefore, I concentrated on myself. I ascended in my career like a charging train full speed ahead. There was no turning back. I focused on my health and fitness. I was very busy with my own life. Then something happened. I began garnering attention from men who were also on the fast track. This time, I could afford to become very picky and choosy and the type of men I attracted were also successful. My friendships expanded exponentially. I had the time of my life. There were a lot of prosperous, very eligible bachelors. I had arrived. Socializing was a blast. What I'm trying to tell you is that you make yourself automatically and extremely attractive when you are your own success story. You will ooze security, high self esteem and self confidence which draws men to you like a magnet. The beauty is that you don't even have to try just as I had never tried. Attraction to you magically occurs without any effort on your part. I had never been to a singles bar in my life. I didn't have to. (I don't drink, do drugs, smoke, etc. and neither do the men who were drawn to me.)

    Concentrate on bettering your life and then men will be drawn to you like bees to honey. At that time, you can be very selective.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Canonic
    Hey,

    I learned that lesson long ago, I allow the other person time to really express their interest and make an effort before I emotionally invest because Iím scared of doing exactly what you said ó giving giving giving, coming across as too much, or acting in a way that would make them not respect me. I am loving and nice and a good person because thatís who I am, not how I act expecting things in return. I know Iím not owed anyoneís love or effort or affection, but it still hurts to have someone tell you that they really like you only to withdraw once you feel comfortable enough to invest in them. Yes, I do deserve a mutual relationship and I deserve to be respected which is what I meant when I said that. We all deserve that. I understand what you are saying and maybe I have been those things in the past but Iím not anymore.
    Sounds a bit like the pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction. Guys who will chase and chase....are usually players or otherwise undesirable sort of people. Healthy people will not chase for too long. Think of dating and relationships more like a tennis game. You both hit the ball back and forth evenly. If either person keeps tossing balls and the other doesn't return them....can't play the game really. Sounds to me like at first you kept serving and serving those balls that were not returned evenly or maybe only intermittently. Now you've flipped that script where you are the one not returning the balls evenly. Either way it doesn't work.

    That said, this is all part and parcel of being young and learning - how to date, how to choose the right people, how to develop relationships or not, who is and isn't right for you, what kind of a relationship you want. The lumps and bruises you get along the way are normal. Try to look at this as more of a journey instead of fixating on end result.

    Early 20's - dating here and there, some longer some shorter, some flings, etc. - this is all normal life experience. Each relationship, each date teaches you something about yourself, about guys, about what you want or don't want, etc. Embrace the process rather than thinking there is something wrong with you. When you aren't getting the result that you want, keep adjusting your approach and yes, post, talk about it, ask for help, peruse self help and if you came across a therapist that was useless....well...that's also sadly common. Can take quite some time to find a competent fit whose approach actually resonates and works for you. So if you feel that your past and your childhood are getting in the way of you being happy as an adult and you need to work that out, keep searching. That perseverance that made you successful in college, apply it here as well.

  10. #9

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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    It's not you, you're perfectly lovable. It's them. There are a lot of players out there. You are unfortunately very susceptible to them because you are lonely. And on top of that, you are inexperienced, unsure, and grew up in an environment where healthy love was not modeled.

    Before you diagnose yourself with some inherent defect, take a look at this video. I resisted watching it for a long time based on its title, but once I watched it I realized how right this guy was (and why I resisted it in the first place).

    Point is, you need to take steps to take care of yourself.
    This was incredible thank you so much!

  11. 05-07-2020, 09:37 AM

  12. #10
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    Originally Posted by LilyLo
    I suggest you trying something totaly different in behavior, stop seeking for love, stop giving it, fool around and you will definitely run into someone who will be into you and miss you. I also recommend checking their personality before you start communication. I use Volikov test for that. My main idea is that they should chase your love, not the other way around. Focus on yourself, how beautiful and smart you are.
    People who "fool around" with you and then start missing and chasing you are often emotionally unavailable and have issues of their own. Stick to your guns and be honest to yourself. If love is what you want, continue to look for that. Don't hide your real desire and hope you "run into" someone while engaging in casual sex who will end up falling in love with you. It's like looking for an orange in an apple tree.

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