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Thread: Iím in love with my best friend

  1. #1

    Iím in love with my best friend

    A little bit of context. This girl has been my best friend since freshman year in college, a little over 4 years ago. I have always been attracted to her and had feelings for her, but never acted on them. They were easy to ignore sometimes throughout college as we periodically were dating other people and seemed comfortable being just friends. She ended up transferring schools 2 years ago, so it made it easier to keep her off my mind. We stayed in touch once and a while to make sure everything was alright with each other.

    Fast forward to this past January. One night we were texting, I was very drunk and I told her I had feelings for her. We had a very long conversation about it and she didnít say she didnít have feelings or that a relationship was out of the question, her worry was that it might ruin or friendship if it didnít work out. Understandable. We continued to talk more after that, FaceTiming multiple times each week, seeing each other in person a few times over the past few months.

    More recently(as in the last two months), we have been talking every day, FaceTiming a bunch, sending each other gifts and everything seems to be going well. Weíve planned a trip together in July, but she seems to be getting more distant in the past few weeks. It feels like weíve been a bit passive aggressive or jealous for no good reason, bickering and not being on the same page. It might be that quarantine is getting to us. She did say that she is excited to see me and that she canít wait until we live in the same city however, in the fall. Recently she has been distant, not responding to my texts for extended periods of time even when I see her on social media active. She keeps planning FaceTimes then making excuses to back out of them. Iím trying to give her as much space as possible, but it hurts me day in and day out not knowing whatís happening.

    Iím asking for advice on what to make of this situation. She knows how I feel about her (as more than a friend), and we seem to have moved away from calling each other friends, or anything of that nature. I canít tell if sheís playing with me or if she has feelings for me and sheís scared to admit it. Iím so confused and I donít want to ruin anything here. Please let me know if any of you have more questions

    I really really appreciate anyone that takes the time to respond to this, I need all the advice I can get

    -Hunter

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    She knows how you feel but has hesitation? What are the terms of this trip together? Try to pull back a bit so you don't saturate or overwhelm her, let her miss you a bit.
    Originally Posted by Lovesux189
    she didnít say she didnít have feelings or that a relationship was out of the question, her worry was that it might ruin or friendship if it didnít work out.

    Weíve planned a trip together in July, but she seems to be getting more distant in the past few weeks.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Hunter, it sounds like she's looking for a more in-person connection to me. Dial it back and don't look for guarantees. The thing you are wanting is shooting you in the foot. Dial it way back. Keep it light and flirt a lot but don't lock it down.

  4. #4
    We are planning on taking a roadtrip down to South Carolina for a week together. That involves a 13 hour drive. I canít imagine this would be a ďjust a friends tripĒ if we are staying alone together for a week is my thoughts behind it. Thank you for the advice, I will pull back a bit and give her some space, I donít want her thinking I am overbearing or obsessed.

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  6. #5
    Thank you! I will work my best to be less overbearing and wanting constant communication, I think that is what has been hurting our relationship

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think it'll be interesting to see how you both are on the road trip together. It's a great test of character and personality to see how someone is able to handle being lost, not knowing directions, how they navigate or speed or how slow they are or fast they are getting ready in the mornings or what their sleep schedule is like or even what their diet is like.

    I had a friend for years and had no idea how odd her sleep schedule was until we took a road trip to California together (from BC, Canada). She suffers from terrible insomnia and later picked up dietary restrictions that made traveling difficult for her.

    Enjoy yourselves and see how things go. Life is full of the unexpected.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lovesux189
    We are planning on taking a roadtrip down to South Carolina for a week together. That involves a 13 hour drive. I canít imagine this would be a ďjust a friends tripĒ if we are staying alone together for a week is my thoughts behind it. Thank you for the advice, I will pull back a bit and give her some space, I donít want her thinking I am overbearing or obsessed.
    Be very very careful about making that kind of a presumption and actually be very very clear, as in communicate with each other, if this is just platonic pals or potentially more.

    Generally speaking, when you tell a person how you feel and they respond with "I don't want to ruin the friendship" - that's a rejection. She likes the friendship, she isn't looking for more. This is consistent with her going colder and pulling back. You've been more intense and chatting more since your confession, but no doubt she is realizing that this is going too far and possibly leading you on, so she is cooling things down. She isn't afraid, she just isn't interested how you are.

    If you can't be platonic pals on this trip....maybe cancel the trip. It's a bad idea to go when your feelings are so intense and one sided. You need to give yourself space to cool your ardor and if you can't, you can no longer be friends.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Blue68's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lovesux189
    It feels like weíve been a bit passive aggressive or jealous for no good reason, bickering and not being on the same page.
    Maybe this is worrying her. She did say that she was concerned about ruining your friendship so perhaps these are signs that it just might.

    I doubt she is playing with you. This has probably come as a bit of a shock for her and after having been friends for so long, it might be confusing for her too.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Blue68's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lovesux189
    Weíve planned a trip together in July, but she seems to be getting more distant in the past few weeks.
    Originally Posted by Lovesux189
    I canít imagine this would be a ďjust a friends tripĒ if we are staying alone together for a week is my thoughts behind it.
    Or maybe she has realised that this is what you would be thinking which may be why is has become distant.

  11. #10
    She is actually the one that suggested the trip. We planned to go to Vermont together 2 weeks ago, but she wasnít able to because of her mom. I have been quarantining with a large group of friends and her with just her family, so I understand the hesitation. We were both very upset that we couldnít see each other, which led her to suggest going on a trip together, I never brought the idea up

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