I’m in love with my best friend

A little bit of context. This girl has been my best friend since freshman year in college, a little over 4 years ago. I have always been attracted to her and had feelings for her, but never acted on them. They were easy to ignore sometimes throughout college as we periodically were dating other people and seemed comfortable being just friends. She ended up transferring schools 2 years ago, so it made it easier to keep her off my mind. We stayed in touch once and a while to make sure everything was alright with each other.

Fast forward to this past January. One night we were texting, I was very drunk and I told her I had feelings for her. We had a very long conversation about it and she didn’t say she didn’t have feelings or that a relationship was out of the question, her worry was that it might ruin or friendship if it didn’t work out. Understandable. We continued to talk more after that, FaceTiming multiple times each week, seeing each other in person a few times over the past few months.

More recently(as in the last two months), we have been talking every day, FaceTiming a bunch, sending each other gifts and everything seems to be going well. We’ve planned a trip together in July, but she seems to be getting more distant in the past few weeks. It feels like we’ve been a bit passive aggressive or jealous for no good reason, bickering and not being on the same page. It might be that quarantine is getting to us. She did say that she is excited to see me and that she can’t wait until we live in the same city however, in the fall. Recently she has been distant, not responding to my texts for extended periods of time even when I see her on social media active. She keeps planning FaceTimes then making excuses to back out of them. I’m trying to give her as much space as possible, but it hurts me day in and day out not knowing what’s happening.

I’m asking for advice on what to make of this situation. She knows how I feel about her (as more than a friend), and we seem to have moved away from calling each other friends, or anything of that nature. I can’t tell if she’s playing with me or if she has feelings for me and she’s scared to admit it. I’m so confused and I don’t want to ruin anything here. Please let me know if any of you have more questions

I really really appreciate anyone that takes the time to respond to this, I need all the advice I can get

-Hunter

She knows how you feel but has hesitation? What are the terms of this trip together? Try to pull back a bit so you don't saturate or overwhelm her, let her miss you a bit.

she didn’t say she didn’t have feelings or that a relationship was out of the question, her worry was that it might ruin or friendship if it didn’t work out.

 

We’ve planned a trip together in July, but she seems to be getting more distant in the past few weeks.

Hunter, it sounds like she's looking for a more in-person connection to me. Dial it back and don't look for guarantees. The thing you are wanting is shooting you in the foot. Dial it way back. Keep it light and flirt a lot but don't lock it down.

We are planning on taking a roadtrip down to South Carolina for a week together. That involves a 13 hour drive. I can’t imagine this would be a “just a friends trip” if we are staying alone together for a week is my thoughts behind it. Thank you for the advice, I will pull back a bit and give her some space, I don’t want her thinking I am overbearing or obsessed.

Thank you! I will work my best to be less overbearing and wanting constant communication, I think that is what has been hurting our relationship

I think it'll be interesting to see how you both are on the road trip together. It's a great test of character and personality to see how someone is able to handle being lost, not knowing directions, how they navigate or speed or how slow they are or fast they are getting ready in the mornings or what their sleep schedule is like or even what their diet is like.

I had a friend for years and had no idea how odd her sleep schedule was until we took a road trip to California together (from BC, Canada). She suffers from terrible insomnia and later picked up dietary restrictions that made traveling difficult for her.

Enjoy yourselves and see how things go. Life is full of the unexpected.

We are planning on taking a roadtrip down to South Carolina for a week together. That involves a 13 hour drive. I can’t imagine this would be a “just a friends trip” if we are staying alone together for a week is my thoughts behind it. Thank you for the advice, I will pull back a bit and give her some space, I don’t want her thinking I am overbearing or obsessed.

Be very very careful about making that kind of a presumption and actually be very very clear, as in communicate with each other, if this is just platonic pals or potentially more.

Generally speaking, when you tell a person how you feel and they respond with "I don't want to ruin the friendship" - that's a rejection. She likes the friendship, she isn't looking for more. This is consistent with her going colder and pulling back. You've been more intense and chatting more since your confession, but no doubt she is realizing that this is going too far and possibly leading you on, so she is cooling things down. She isn't afraid, she just isn't interested how you are.

If you can't be platonic pals on this trip....maybe cancel the trip. It's a bad idea to go when your feelings are so intense and one sided. You need to give yourself space to cool your ardor and if you can't, you can no longer be friends.

It feels like we’ve been a bit passive aggressive or jealous for no good reason, bickering and not being on the same page.

Maybe this is worrying her. She did say that she was concerned about ruining your friendship so perhaps these are signs that it just might.

I doubt she is playing with you. This has probably come as a bit of a shock for her and after having been friends for so long, it might be confusing for her too.

We’ve planned a trip together in July, but she seems to be getting more distant in the past few weeks.

I can’t imagine this would be a “just a friends trip” if we are staying alone together for a week is my thoughts behind it.

Or maybe she has realised that this is what you would be thinking which may be why is has become distant.

She is actually the one that suggested the trip. We planned to go to Vermont together 2 weeks ago, but she wasn’t able to because of her mom. I have been quarantining with a large group of friends and her with just her family, so I understand the hesitation. We were both very upset that we couldn’t see each other, which led her to suggest going on a trip together, I never brought the idea up

She is actually the one that suggested the trip. We planned to go to Vermont together 2 weeks ago, but she wasn’t able to because of her mom. I have been quarantining with a large group of friends and her with just her family, so I understand the hesitation. We were both very upset that we couldn’t see each other, which led her to suggest going on a trip together, I never brought the idea up

So what? It doesn't mean that she thinks it will be something other than platonic. You've been just friends for years and don't be surprised if she expects just that from you and nothing else.

Thanks for the brutal honesty. Just a very confused guy trying to navigate a very tough and confusing situation.

She is actually the one that suggested the trip. We planned to go to Vermont together 2 weeks ago, but she wasn’t able to because of her mom. I have been quarantining with a large group of friends and her with just her family, so I understand the hesitation. We were both very upset that we couldn’t see each other, which led her to suggest going on a trip together, I never brought the idea up

Her mindset still might have been as friends seeing as you have been friends for so long.

Try to relax a bit. Plan your trip - but don't have any expectations - or let her know you have any expectations.

Go with the flow. If you sense that she only wants to be friends with you and nothing more, then continue this mindset. Back off and give her time and space.

Follow her cue.

If you want a relationship with her and you're sensing her distance and frostiness towards you, I'd cancel the trip altogether because you will definitely feel awkward and she will, too.

Traveling together will be too much togetherness and people have short tempers when too much familiarity breeds contempt.

My feeling is that you’re a surrogate boyfriend of sorts until she meets someone she wants to date.

She’s fine doing couple-ish things together without the romance because she enjoys your companionship - but doesn’t want to take it further. Hence the distant vibe you’re getting. Either that or she’s met someone and isn’t sure yet if she’s going to pursue it, so she hasn’t yet mentioned it to you.

Her mindset still might have been as friends seeing as you have been friends for so long.

 

Try to relax a bit. Plan your trip - but don't have any expectations - or let her know you have any expectations.

I second this post. I get the impression you're expecting the trip to end in hot romance as, dare I say, I sense you're really lusting after her (lol). She on the other hand, is seeing this as a friends road trip - NO romance involved. Be very careful and don't overstep the mark - it will end in you getting hurt.

She has undeniably told you she is not interested in a romantic relationship with you.

You NEED to accept this.

She loosely said a reason was not wanting to ruin a friendship , but it was a way of letting you down gently while trying to preserve the platonic friendship.

Her backing off is likely because she knows you haven’t accepted that she is not interested in you romantically and wants you to start realising it , otherwise she will cancel the road trip.

There is always a risk in telling a friend you have feelings.

If it’s mutual , great.

But when it’s not like in your case , the friendship starts it’s demise.

Sorry she didn’t nor doesn’t feel the same way.

That will never change but now that she is aware the friendship can no longer continue.

That’s why the bickering lately.

Honestly, i would cancel the trip.

She's just a mirage. You mind is playing tricks on you, and what you think you see isn't there. She made it pretty clear she isn't into you.

Think of it this way...if she were a guy would you plan or accept going on a trip to Vermont? Probably not something a bro would do. Basketball game? ya sure. So stop doing the coupley thing, and treat her like you would a male friend.

Agree. This is going to be Heartbreak Motel because she is thinking "Thelma and Louise" and you are thinking "Something Wild".

I get the impression you're expecting the trip to end in hot romance as, dare I say, I sense you're really lusting after her (lol). She on the other hand, is seeing this as a friends road trip - NO romance involved. Be very careful and don't overstep the mark - it will end in you getting hurt.