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Thread: Advice on moving on after 4 months

  1. #1
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    Advice on moving on after 4 months

    Hello,

    Me and my ex broke up 4 months ago after a 2 year relationship and I'm having a bit of trouble. Honestly it's strange because we argued on a daily basis and at times I didn't even look forward to seeing her. I'm 24 years old and this wasn't my first serious relationship but I'd still like some advice.

    So when we broke up we spoke a bit at the start, tried to be friends, didn't work and then stopped talking for a while. We started talking again about a month ago giving the whole friends thing a shot. We both came to the same conclusion that it wasn't going to work but we don't want to completely remove each other from our lives so let say we're being civil, not talking on a daily basis.

    My problem is that it's been 4 months and I still spend about 80% of my day thinking about her. This has been going on since the start of the break up. Everything and I genuinely mean every stupid little thing reminds me of her. For example like drinking coffee because she loved it, cold weather reminds me of times we got up early for holiday flights and the weirdest one is even some of my family members because she got on so well with them. I recently started a new job working from home and I can't concentrate on work. I'm quiet when I'm out with my friends and I've tried talking to new girls but I compare them all to my ex and I lose interest in talking to them. Sometimes I think I'm ready to move on and sometimes I'm not.

    Honestly I just want it to stop because it's torture. I'm sad every day and can't concentrate on things that are meant to take my mind off it. Neither me or my ex want to fix things but I'm finding it so difficult to move on. I understand being like this for the first few weeks but it's been 4 months and I haven't seen her. Even when I text her it reminds me why I wanted to break up in the first place. Does anyone have any advice that could help?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. What were all the arguments about? Dragging the breakup out as 'friends' is the reason this remains in your mind too much. Give yourself the gift of NC so you can heal and reflect in peace.

    People who chronically argue will argue before, during and after a breakup. It's normal to feel down after a breakup and have some nostalgia be easy on yourself.
    Originally Posted by spencfix24
    We both came to the same conclusion that it wasn't going to work but we don't want to completely remove each other from our lives.

    My problem is that it's been 4 months and I still spend about 80% of my day thinking about her. Sometimes I think I'm ready to move on and sometimes I'm not.

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    Thanks for the reply.

    The arguments were personality clashes. Just certain traits we had that got on each others nerves quite a lot.

    I wanted this break up to be different to the others because my other ex's don't speak with me. I feel like i did a lot with this girl and thought we'd manage a friendship but it's just too hard to be friends.

    I know it's not a competition but it is a little frustrating that she's completely over it and ready to talk to new people and I'm not

  4. #4
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Welcome to ENA

    Who says she is completely over it? Obviously this woman and relationship meant a lot to you and anytime you lose someone or something that meant a lot to you it hurts and the pain and loss can haunt you. What you are experiencing is normal and 4 months isn't that long if you think about it. Besides until you stop talking to her all together it really isn't over is it? Sure you may not want to get back together and your mind knows this but your heart still holds on to hope and the love and companionship she represented.
    So your mind knows it is best not to be in a relationship with this woman but your heart hasn't caught up yet and every time you text or speak to her your heart keeps its false hope alive. In a perfect world you could be friends with her and maybe some day you could but it is way to soon for that to happen. You need to let her know this and tell her that you hope to one day be friends but you need to go NC so you can heal and move on from the relationship.

    It is the best thing for both of you. Also please don't try and meet someone new until you are healed up. If you start dating someone you will just be using them to make yourself feel better like she is doing. That isn't fair to the poor unsuspecting person.

    Go no contact, hang out with friends and family and mix things up a little in your life to break up your routine.

    Lost

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    Thanks @lostandhurt,

    She didn't specifically say she was but she told me that she's happy with her life and she's ready to move on which is completely fine like if she's ready then by all means go ahead.

    I understand what you're saying. I haven't been following through on new people that I've been speaking with because I know it won't make me happy and I could just be getting their hopes up and that isn't fair. I want to be happy on my own before I move onto someone new. I was only asking for advice on how to stop thinking about her so much.

    No contact is a good idea. That's kind of what I was going for when I said we weren't going to be friends but be civil if something ever came up.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    NC is really best overall.

    Wounds that are left alone and allowed to heal will heal much faster than ones that are constantly re-injured. Every time you have contact with her your wounds reopen.

    You asked how to stop thinking about her so much. This is what worked for me.

    When I caught myself in that cycle of thinking about her and asking all those unanswerable questions I would ask myself (sometimes out loud) "what good will come from thinking about her/this" The answer was always NOTHING! so it kind of shocked me into acceptance at that moment then I would try and remember all the lyrics to a song.

    Not perfect but it worked well enough.

    Read my signature. Acceptance is key...

    Lost

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    If you had gone no contact from day one, you would have likely stopped thinking of her daily at around the 4 month mark. That's how long it usually took for me. I would never date anybody who stayed friends with an ex, and many people won't. Your dating pool will be smaller if you continue on that route.

    Anyway, you can see it's not working for you. Keep your good memories but totally go your separate ways without contact. I know that's worked for me.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    No more contact is critical. Lost is right that trying to stay "friends" is really trying to hang on even if you aren't consciously doing it.

    As for those other things that trigger you, after a break up you have to start working on reclaiming your life in a way. It's like overwriting things, habits that you did with her by new things you are doing yourself that make YOU happy. You have to make your life your own again. So for example, maybe find a new way to make/enjoy your morning coffee so it's now your own morning ritual, something that gives you personally pleasure. If there are still a lot of things around the house that remind you of her, clean house, move things around, redecorate (not in some big way, but just reclaim your space and make it yours by putting things where you like them or simply in a different spot). Refreshing your environment like that helps clear your mind and gets rid of triggers.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about this.

    Great advice filling this page. All in all, and this is just my perspective, but I think it's pretty normal, contact or no contact, to still be feeling a lot of these feelings 4 months out of a 2 year relationship. So perhaps give yourself a moment to accept that, craggy as it all is and feels? Additionally, rather than emphasize the goal of moving on as the blue ribbon you're chasing, can you adjust it to moving through, as in just moving through these feelings in a way that is constructive, rather than destructive? Make that the point of these days and something funny happens: one day, always a bit sooner than you think, it kind of hits you that, lo and behold, you've moved on.

    Along with the others, I think this is a great time to accept that no contact is needed for a good bit, with it okay if "a good bit" is "forever." Time will tell that story. I'm not a big fan of the idea of "NC/block/delete" as a prescription, but I've generally found I can't really heal from the pain of loss when I'm still in touch with an ex, so at some point—not so immediately when I was younger, more immediately after being in your shoes once or twice—I've found that space and quiet, for a good long while, is essential to resetting the emotional scales and re-inhabiting your own skin. Bottom line: if there is anything like friendship in your future—a rare thing, but a thing that does happen here and there—it will only come from fully letting go of the relationship, not hanging onto it.

    Sounds like maybe you've needed these four months to learn that lesson, along with whatever lessons the relationship and breakup have taught you, or are ready to teach you when you're ready to let go for a bit to absorb the lessons. So time to create some real space and quiet, for you to move through all this so you can reach the point where you've moved on.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    As long as you continue to communicate with her your mind will think you are still in the relationship. And when the reality hits (you're NOT still together) it's like breaking up all over again. And again and again.

    The only way to stop this hurtful cycle is to remove yourself from her life and remove her from yours. It's really the only way.

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