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Thread: Long marriage coming to an end....

  1. #1
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    Long marriage coming to an end....

    Hello,

    I am new here and I was hoping someone could give me some advise. I've been married for about 11 yrs now and have 3 kids. Throughout the course of our marriage my husband has moved out once (to his own apt) and has told me he wants to separate at least 5-6 other times. Every time he has done this I have told him to go and find his happiness (except for the first time , I pretty much begged him to work it out). The other times he has told me he wants to separate, just as he's getting ready to leave, he comes begging me to give him another chance. This is usually when we aren't in speaking terms for a few weeks while he's finding a place to move into. And ME being a dumb a*s (in LOVE) falls for it. I take him back! He tells me all the right things I want to hear. How he's going to change and show me more love blah, blah, blah and I start thinking about our kids and how much I love this man and want to make it work so eventually I give in.

    Well just recently again my husband has told me he wants a divorce. He states he is not happy in this marriage because it isn't how he "imagined" it would be. That he loves me, but he isn't happy. I have asked, what will make you happy? He can't seem to answer it. BUT he does say this marriage isn't it.

    I want to FINALLY just move on and let him go so I can find my own happiness and he can find his own. For those who have gone through a divorce/split.... Please tell me what helped you through it? What did you do? What did you tell yourself?
    I hide myself when I'm crying because I don't want him to see me weak and I'm trying to be strong and tell myself constantly that I deserve better. But just like I'm sure you've all experienced, my heart is fighting my head.
    I know in time, the hurt will heal. But I'm going through the hurt now because I know this time it has to be done. I know I can't continue this anymore. I am no expert on marriage but I know this isn't it.
    Someone please tell me how you managed to get yourself and your kids through a split?

    Just the thought of him eventually being with someone else kills me. Plus I tell myself who the heck would date me after 3 kids, and a divorce? (Not that I'm even thinking of dating, I'm just saying)

    What do I tell my heart if by any chance he does change his mind and wants to stay but I know he needs to go? I have never once kicked him out because I NEVER wanted him to turn back and say he left because I kicked him out. I don't want him to try and put blame on my in any way.

    He's told me before, "if one of my friends would tell me their spouse had put them through what I have done to you. I would of told him/her to leave them"

    I feel like I've tried all I could to make it work but I can't do it alone. I know it takes two. To be honest, I feel as if he doesn't even know what he wants and I just happen to be in this yo-yo of his while he tries to figure it out. I need someone to tell me that there is a light out of this tunnel. That they did have the courage to finally say enough is enough and they never looked back with regret. All I can think with right now is my heart.

    So yes this time I know I have to put on my big girl panties and just be done with it but I need some advise on how to get myself through it emotionally and mentally.

    Please help

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    What got me through it was thinking about how the badly marriage was affecting my kids.

    The moving out/moving back in/moving out damages the children. And I know, EVERY couple having issues thinks the kids have no idea what's going on. Well, kids are not unobservant blobs. They see and know way more than you think they do.

    Think about your kids having a marriage like yours. If you want better for them it's time to end this. Remember, a home is broken when there's dysfunction and unhappiness inside it. It's better to have two peaceful, harmonious homes than one where there's unhappiness.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. The marriage sounds quite turbulent. What were the 'changes he promised' to make? Is he having affairs?

    Your first stop is to a therapist privately and confidentially. Do not tell him or drag him along. Your second stop is to an attorney to review all your options including finances, division of assets, child support and visitation/custody. Again, do this privately and confidentially. Do not stick your head in the sand, cry, argue with him or try to fix it.

    Divorce will involve emotional and practice challenges which is why a two pronged approach of getting professional advice is a place to start. With expert help and support from friends and family you can start getting your ducks in a row rather than feel blindsided.
    Originally Posted by nimza
    I've been married for about 11 yrs now and have 3 kids.
    Throughout the course of our marriage my husband has moved out once (to his own apt) and has told me he wants to separate at least 5-6 other times.
    This is usually when we aren't in speaking terms for a few weeks while he's finding a place to move into
    Well just recently again my husband has told me he wants a divorce.
    He states he is not happy in this marriage because it isn't how he "imagined" it would be.

  4. #4
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Thinking about how all this affects your kids should strengthen your resolve.

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    Thanks boltnrun. You're absolutely right , the kids do see and notice things. The only good thing is that when he did move out that one time was when I had only one baby at the time and wasn't a year old yet. The other times have been word of mouth. Still though it doesn't make it any better. I appreciate your words. I loved what you said about a broken home.

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    Well.... i would be tempted to ask point blank, "And what do you think marriage 'should be'" The answer might give you some insight or closure.

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    Wiseman2: We went to couples therapy but he ended up having a disagreement with the counselor so we never went back. That I know of he hasn't had any affairs. He promised he would show me he loved me and put more effort into our relationship to make it work.
    You're right though, i need some counseling for myself and also some legal advise would be good. I just don't want to make this split ugly. Thank you for your words

  9. #8
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I came from a very dysfunctional background and parents who should have been divorced and stayed the frig away from each other LONG before they did. I have mental health difficulties because they didn’t.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    A good attorney can help it from getting 'ugly'. A good therapist can guide you through the emotional portion.
    Originally Posted by nimza
    i need some counseling for myself and also some legal advise would be good. I just don't want to make this split ugly. Thank you for your words

  11. #10
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Yep, my parents stayed together "for the kids". ALL of us have made poor relationship choices. ALL of us are divorced. ALL of us are damaged due to what we witnessed as children. And my parents continued to engage for YEARS after the divorce, which made things worse. However, it was nice coming home to a house where there was peace and quiet instead of a house of dysfunction.

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