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Thread: Long marriage coming to an end....

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by nimza
    Wiseman2: We went to couples therapy but he ended up having a disagreement with the counselor so we never went back. That I know of he hasn't had any affairs. He promised he would show me he loved me and put more effort into our relationship to make it work.
    You're right though, i need some counseling for myself and also some legal advise would be good. I just don't want to make this split ugly. Thank you for your words
    You may not want to make it so, but again, you aren't the only one in this equation. You can hope for the best, but you need to be prepared for the worst.

    That said, you've been living on edge for years. When will he pull this bs again, when will he walk out on you again, is this time the last time? It's constant emotional and psychological torture.

    The divorce may be hard, but what waits on the other side is peace and sanity. Can you even imagine what it's like to live without a constant cloud over your head? Without constant fear about what he is going to pull on you today? I doubt that he is just a total saint in between running away from his family.

    The other thing too is that your husband sounds like a personality disorder in the flesh. The constant yo yo behavior, the I'm not happy but don't know why, not getting along with a therapist, etc. What you need to understand to the core of your being is that he is not going to change, get better, or become somehow Mr. Wonderful. It.is.never.going.to.happen. Even if he finds someone else to date or marry, he will always be who he is.

    Your biggest obstacle isn't your heart, it's hope - hoping that he'll suddenly change and be a good husband. He won't and you've got to learn to believe that.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    There is nothing to add to what you have so clearly and forcefully said DF.
    I hope the OP is listening to you and detaches soon from this unhinged individual.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    What got me through it was thinking about how the badly marriage was affecting my kids.

    The moving out/moving back in/moving out damages the children. And I know, EVERY couple having issues thinks the kids have no idea what's going on. Well, kids are not unobservant blobs. They see and know way more than you think they do.

    Think about your kids having a marriage like yours. If you want better for them it's time to end this. Remember, a home is broken when there's dysfunction and unhappiness inside it. It's better to have two peaceful, harmonious homes than one where there's unhappiness.
    This is very strange for me to read this because I have been in a very similar situation, I will hold my hands up and say I was like your husband, I would say I'm leaving, say I was unhappy, leave, come back and so on, although it made me (and your husband now) look very bad I can say from my point of view is although I wasn't happy and the relationship had died as we are only human and we know the whole relationship wasn't bad and that ending things would cause us a huge loss of love and happy memories, I was always told I ended it wrong but I left not having had an affair, will support the kids and even her if she was stuck, what I'm trying to say is it's hard for everyone when things come to an end and your are clearly both going through mixed emotions because at the end of the day this is never the outcome we want. My advice is listen to the other posts as they are very sensible and will help you in the long run. Look after your kids and stay strong, it will get easier!

  4. #14
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    I’m another man who behaved as your husband did. The third time I filed for divorce was the time that it “stuck.” We have been divorced for seven years now. Although the divorce was the worst pain I ever went through: my kids, my ex wife and myself are all happier now.

    I understand about the doom and gloom fear about “who would ever want me now?” I knew that financially I would be starting over from square one, single father, I have an STD, yadda, yadda, yadda... Like you I decided not to do any dating right off the bat. You’re smart for that. I took a year to be by myself and focus on my parenting and my healing. That helped SO much. Therapy, self-care and doing everything I could to be the best father I could possibly be were places to take my mind and be “productive” or positive when the pain was crushing me.

    As a result, I was a far more secure and confident person “on the other side.” I healed and GREW so much. And guess what, dating is actually fun and interesting WHEN YOU ARE READY for it! Plenty of great, single men are family oriented and in your age bracket. My experience is that if you want to find love after divorce, then you can make healthy choices along the way that will enable you to enjoy that.

    Don’t beat yourself up for staying in the marriage past the expiration date, and don’t feel guilty for making a difficult, but ultimately positive choice for yourself and your children.

    All the best!

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    keepthefaith & Skeptic76 : I really appreciate hearing from you guys especially since you guys experienced the same situation yourself. May I ask what happened? Did you just fall out of love? Was there anything you think your spouse did/could of done to have changed or made things better? Just wondering.....

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    dancingfool : Your statement "Your biggest obstacle isn't your heart, it's hope - hoping that he'll suddenly change and be a good husband. He won't and you've got to learn to believe that." was a strong one. I really appreciate that because it made me stop and think and realize you're absolutely correct. Thank you for that

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by nimza
    dancingfool : Your statement "Your biggest obstacle isn't your heart, it's hope - hoping that he'll suddenly change and be a good husband. He won't and you've got to learn to believe that." was a strong one. I really appreciate that because it made me stop and think and realize you're absolutely correct. Thank you for that
    I'm putting in my two cents for two reasons. One - I'm so glad you can see this perspective. Two I'm glad you recognized Dancingfool. Her advice is so very often right on target and to the point while also being caring.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Welcome to ENA,

    What does a spouse that is unhappy do? Who is at fault for their unhappiness?

    They can't blame the children and it surely cannot be themselves so it has to be either their spouse or the marriage as a whole to blame.

    There are plenty of people that enter into a marriage trying to make their lives happy or complete them or fill some void. In time the marriage, the kids and everything wears off and they are wondering once again why?

    It isn't your fault your husband is not happy. He is responsible for his own happiness just as you are for yours and then you SHARE that happiness with each other. Are there ups and downs? Of course but trying to make someone else happy for all those years is exhausting.

    What do you do? How do you survive this? The simple answer is one day at a time.

    There are things you have control over (being a mom, work, safe home) so focus on those and stay focused. They will be your foundation. Then begin to work on things you don't have as much control over and learn to accept the things you have zero control over like your future ex husbands happiness.

    Divorce is not fun but when you remove all the emotions it is a business arrangement. If he is amiable discuss a mediator instead of lawyers. Basically you both craft the divorce decree with the help of a mediator.

    The house, custody, child support, alimony, holidays, birthdays, vehicles, cell phone plans, life insurance, vacations, school and on and on need to be figured out to separate your lives.

    It may be amicable enough for you to go this route but many times when child support and alimony come up he will not be so reasonable. It is worth a shot though.

    The children are tough and they will adjust to having divorced parents. Most importantly it is better for them to have two happy homes instead of one unhappy one.

    Keep posting

    Lost

  10. #19
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    lostandhurt: You have some great points. Thank you so much for them. You're right happiness is a choice and can't be given
    Just trying to take it all in and put my emotions aside for a moment to figure out my next steps. I really just wished he would leave now so I can
    move forward with my healing process. It's hard seeing him everyday at home

  11. #20
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    She had an affair. We couldn’t get past it. I also got sober two years before the divorce and she had a drinking problem so that creates a significant rift too.

    In my own case I am very glad we split up. She ended up getting sober to get me back, and even though we didn’t reconcile she remains sober to this day so that was a positive. Also the kids stopped being exposed to horrible fights. I was forced to truly “find myself” and so I’m a much happier person today and that was a big positive.

    We get along fine as co-parents and I would make the same choice if I had it to do again, despite the pain we all had to go through to get to “well.”

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