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Thread: Italian boyfriend

  1. #21
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    He might have been a fun fling while you were working, but outside of that, you are two are fundamentally different in major ways. Not just about where you want to live, but how you both envision marital life and the latter is how marriages fall apart fast. He envisions a house wife who cooks, cleans, and darns his sock while he is off doing his own thing. You want a more equal life where you both work and share responsibilities. There is no middle ground here OP. He is telling you who he is and it's clashing completely with your personal values.

    Agree with jmann that you are still very young and there are soooo many good men out there. No reason to get hung up on one who really doesn't live on the same planet as you when it comes to certain critical relationship values. Please don't look at friends or listen to stories on how so and so made it work. So and so isn't you and you aren't them. This is your life to live and no reason to sign up for misery. Love doesn't conquer all and quite frankly him telling you that you refusing to totally change who you are for him means you don't love him enough is manipulative af.....think on that...big red flag.....

    Listen to your reason and your instincts. If it feels like he is just trying to cram you into his vision of his life like some convenient tool....it's because that's exactly what he is doing. I realize this is hard to explain online or in writing, but I've certainly met men where I've felt like that as well. I ran and that's my advice to you as well. Run. Don't try to force a square peg into a round hole. It doesn't work and doesn't lead to happiness.

  2. #22
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    Let's consider another cultural difference. For example, living with him in Sicily may mean that his family will, most likely, be very involved in your life. Are you up for that? All these things are relevant, in my opinion, when looking for a partner.

  3. #23
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    Let's not crucify the guy people. They have different vision for the future, they are simply incompatible, it is that simple. No one is at fault here.

  4. #24

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    Thankyou for all your advice so far!

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    When you are looking at the future and marriage, you need to look for a partner who is walking on the same road as you, looking in the same exact direction.

    Meaning that you have to both see eye to eye on major big things - like where and how you want to live, life goals, jobs, children, religion, lifestyle, extended family relationships, etc. In addition, you need to see eye to eye on smaller every day things - how you divide chores, childcare, finances, jobs, etc. These things might not be very fun or romantic, but these nitty gritty things is what either makes or breaks every single marriage. Too many people focus on "we have a lot in common" and what they mean is fun and hobbies, but these things are superficial and almost meaningless in the long run.

    Every long term marriage that I know, it's not hobbies that they share that makes the marriage happy, it's a shared vision of how to live life together, shared goals. He might be fishing, she might get seasick on the dock. However, when it comes to jobs, lifestyle, where to live and how, future plans, what kind of a life they want to live - they are on the same page and seeing eye to eye. That is what is critical. Life is hard enough as it is and for the relationship to ride out the storms, you need that natural harmony where it really counts. Without that glue, it's a quick road to misery, resentment, and divorce.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This was in the opening post, in case you missed it.
    Originally Posted by dias
    Let's not crucify the guy people.
    Originally Posted by Liv368
    I hate the idea that Italians expect women not to work at all and be the housewife. Unfortunately heís very stubborn and can be controlling

  8. #27
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    When you are looking at the future and marriage, you need to look for a partner who is walking on the same road as you, looking in the same exact direction.

    Meaning that you have to both see eye to eye on major big things - like where and how you want to live, life goals, jobs, children, religion, lifestyle, extended family relationships, etc. In addition, you need to see eye to eye on smaller every day things - how you divide chores, childcare, finances, jobs, etc. These things might not be very fun or romantic, but these nitty gritty things is what either makes or breaks every single marriage. Too many people focus on "we have a lot in common" and what they mean is fun and hobbies, but these things are superficial and almost meaningless in the long run.

    Every long term marriage that I know, it's not hobbies that they share that makes the marriage happy, it's a shared vision of how to live life together, shared goals. He might be fishing, she might get seasick on the dock. However, when it comes to jobs, lifestyle, where to live and how, future plans, what kind of a life they want to live - they are on the same page and seeing eye to eye. That is what is critical. Life is hard enough as it is and for the relationship to ride out the storms, you need that natural harmony where it really counts. Without that glue, it's a quick road to misery, resentment, and divorce.
    That is perhaps the best post I have ever read on the topic. It should be made a banner at the top of this forum. Yes, the shared vision, the shared goals. The hard facts exactly as you present them DF. The absolute essentials.
    Then, not so oddly, the hobbies and leisure activities, shared or separate, become part of that tapestry and not a source of contention.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Before you try to convince him to move to the UK, you may want to watch this clip on an interesting phenomenon of the "Mammoni"
    Originally Posted by Liv368
    I hate the idea that Italians expect women not to work at all and be the housewife

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    This was in the opening post, in case you missed it.
    I dismissed the first sentence because it is a generalisation. I can't have an opinion about the second. "stubborn and controlling" everybody says that everybody else is stubborn and controlling, big deal.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    When you are looking at the future and marriage, you need to look for a partner who is walking on the same road as you, looking in the same exact direction.

    Meaning that you have to both see eye to eye on major big things - like where and how you want to live, life goals, jobs, children, religion, lifestyle, extended family relationships, etc. In addition, you need to see eye to eye on smaller every day things - how you divide chores, childcare, finances, jobs, etc. These things might not be very fun or romantic, but these nitty gritty things is what either makes or breaks every single marriage. Too many people focus on "we have a lot in common" and what they mean is fun and hobbies, but these things are superficial and almost meaningless in the long run.

    Every long term marriage that I know, it's not hobbies that they share that makes the marriage happy, it's a shared vision of how to live life together, shared goals. He might be fishing, she might get seasick on the dock. However, when it comes to jobs, lifestyle, where to live and how, future plans, what kind of a life they want to live - they are on the same page and seeing eye to eye. That is what is critical. Life is hard enough as it is and for the relationship to ride out the storms, you need that natural harmony where it really counts. Without that glue, it's a quick road to misery, resentment, and divorce.
    Agree 100%.

    "We both love folk music and eggplant parmigiana!!" does not mean you will have a successful relationship, let alone married life.

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