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Thread: Italian boyfriend

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Stop talking about things that don't exist as an arguing point. If you can't decide where to live and dislike his culture and find him "stubborn and controlling", the point is moot. There have not even been talks of living together or even living in the same country, being a couple or getting married.
    Originally Posted by Liv368
    Iím not actually pregnant or have a child but I would like to in the future. For me itís important to already be thinking about these kind of questions to prepare yourself for the future.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Liv.

    You yourself say: "I really canít see myself living away from family. ". So, in reality you are also rooted in family. It is not just him.

    You also remark:

    "I just feel heís thinking what he wants in his life and trying to fit me in around it instead of figuring things out together. Unfortunately heís very stubborn and can be controlling"

    So, how are you similar in personalities? As Wiseman correctly says: you are incompatible.

    It is actually quite simple, Liv. If you do not wish to live in another country (in this case a European country) then surely it is best that you meet and marry someone in your own country. Some people are just not cut out for living elsewhere. They are unable to fit in with the customs and ways. I am a little puzzled at your mention that he "goes fishing every day". That is just a leisure activity like many others. There are folks who, for example, play gold every day!

    I feel you need to think this through with great clarity (not with opinions of friends and/or family).

    Even in a best case scenario where this man is not "controlling" or wanting you to be a "stay-at-home", what job had you envisaged for yourself in Italy? And in passing, what job had you in mind for yourself back in the U.K.?

    In reality it is quite clear cut, Liv. Neither of you wish to live in (or maybe are not suited for) each other's country.



    Take care

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Obviously he's attractive and fun, but when choosing a lifetime partner, ALL of your must-haves should be taken into account for longterm happiness. The cons you speak of are egregious. You would be sacrificing quite a lot when you cater to all of his wants and needs. That's part of the big problem with dating someone from another country and culture. One of you won't live near relatives. The cultural differences are out of your comfort level. And living long periods apart is not ideal. You don't have a partner present to help you with daily parenting. I was a Navy wife in my younger years. Constantly having to get used to each other's presence all over again is psychologically taxing. After the first few days of honeymoon happiness, it then transforms to arguments, since you've been used to doing things your way, and it's like an intruder coming in and toppling your apple cart.

    You can meet men you have chemistry with wherever you are. That happened in your work, but as you can see, neither of you probably thought of the downside of your differences until things became serious. In your shoes, I would break up, since I'd be giving up too much on my end, and I'd avoid dating guys outside of my hometown in the future. You've learned what's important in a family life. Don't settle.

  4. #14

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    We have spoken about those things thank-you. For me it has been quite confusing because there are a lot of things to consider. I guess I have seen friends of mine make things work with their Italian boyfriends, with them living in the U.K. and visiting Italy and I thought maybe that this could be achievable for us. I related to the fishing because itís something he canít live without and is another thing keeping him holding onto wanting to live in Italy. For me I am an adaptable person, I would compromise to some extent. E.g- working from home, visiting Sicily to stay for 2-3 months but it is only recently he has suggested he would never live in the U.K. which has brought all this up. But for me it is important whilst heís going to be working on board to have the support of my family which I wonít have if I am living over there. I guess itís a bit daunting.
    You may not agree, but for me personally it is important to speak about these things because itís something I see in my future. Iím not making an arguing point, but these are factors I have to consider personally. Iím not asking for you to agree, Iím asking you to respect my opinion.

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  6. #15

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    Thankyou Andrina that has been very helpful. I am only in my mid 20ís but I do have a brain that overthinks and likes to be as organised as possible. I mean we are similar within our relationship as in human beings, but apparently not on some of our ideas.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I have family in Sicily and have visited regularly my whole life. You're not living there without learning Italian. The Sicilian brand of it, at that. Expats tend toward the mainland, so it'd be a pretty lonely life if you're half as stubborn as you portray.

    Look, the problem is you turned would should have been a nice lay on a cruise into an unattainable dream. What possible "compromise" could there be? France? Either he wants to live in the UK or you want to live in Italy. That's really that. I don't mean to sound like an ass, but I had to read back to make sure this was someone in their 20s writing rather than someone who's got the bad excuse of a "ticking clock," so to speak. There are ~4 billion men in the world. It stands to reason that a whole lot of them would be a great match for you if it weren't for the fact they live in Italy, China, India, the US, etc. You pretty consciously went for one of those exact guys.

    Granted I've never been big on cruise ships, but I've done my share of traveling and mingling with locals. If you can appreciate it simply for the shared novelty, then it's a blast. You're gonna torture yourself trying to force romance outside of that, though.

    I wish there were a more diplomatic way to put it, but it really is that simple. This ain't happening.
    Last edited by j.man; 06-02-2020 at 10:10 AM.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Liv. Of course communication is most important! Vitally important to speak up and discuss these matters within any relationship. No one here would disagree with that.

    In your OP you said:

    " I just really need some advice."

    We can only give points of view, based on what you say and describe about him, you and the situation in general. But the ultimate decision lies with you. Move to Italy, or remain in the U.K.

    I can only agree with what Andrina said:

    "In your shoes, I would break up, since I'd be giving up too much on my end, and I'd avoid dating guys outside of my hometown in the future. You've learned what's important in a family life. Don't settle."




  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What are your options? Have his child and live with your parents?
    Originally Posted by Liv368
    it is only recently he has suggested he would never live in the U.K.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    He's not being stubborn or controlling...you both just want different things.

    MY friend, she ditched her life here, and moved to Quebec City, learned French, and became integrated into that society. It was very tough for her. She talked about leaving a few times, the struggles she had with the language, and his family....but she wanted to be with the man she loves. She sucked it up, worked hard at it, and they are still together with two children. In other words if you really see a future with this man, you will suck it up and go for it.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    One of my former coworkers and his wife and kids divide their time between Japan and the US. His kids are not at all confused, in fact they have benefitted from being bilingual and having dual citizenship. They currently live in Japan but prior to that spent part of the year in the US and part in Japan.

    If you can't agree on some kind of compromise then living together, marriage and children just aren't going to work.

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