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Thread: A little rattled

  1. #1
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    A little rattled

    So itís been like 3 days since she moved out (5 year relationship I pulled the trigger and ended it)

    There were a few lose ends. She had some packages coming in the mail and forgot a few items. We also had to remove her from the phone account plan. That got complicated and knew that we would have to meet at the phone store. Was gonna wait until the weekend but was dreading having to deal with it.

    Package arrived today. She texted for the first time and stated that she was tracking the package and it said delivered.

    Told her to meet me at phone shop, gave her all her stuff, we talked for a few, got phone thing done and parted ways.

    She has been very civil and mature. Almost makes it harder. We both talked about how hard this is...

    The contact did not floor me as much as I expected. I have just been consistently worried, anxious and an overall mess.

    I can only continue to second guess myself and convince my self over and over that we need to be apart. Itís literally like really hard withdrawals. Why does my mind terrorize me so much? I feel like nobody could understand how difficult this is for me.

  2. #2
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    My own mind is manipulating me so bad. Almost delusional. Have to keep justifying facts over and over... itís so ridiculous

  3. #3
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    The thing is what you are going through pretty much everyone has gone through if they have ever ended a relationship. You are human and in love so now the loss of that love is weighing on you heavily.

    Of course you are second guessing yourself but it sounds like this was well thought out and you didn't just say "it's over" in the heat of the moment.

    Allow yourself to grieve the loss of what was once such a loving and hopeful relationship. I myself have second guessed myself over one particular woman even though I know in my mind it was the best thing to do for me. Now my heart had and occasionally still has different ideas on the subject.

    It takes time for your heart to come around to the logic of the mind. Your heart wants love but your mind needs to protect your heart. It is a battle as old as human kind...

    Don't isolate yourself. Call a buddy and catch up and if it is safe in your area have a beer together. This isn't a time to be alone so reach out to those that love you.

    Hang in there, it will get better but don't be surprised if the second guessing pops up from time to time even a year later.

    Lost

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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    The thing is what you are going through pretty much everyone has gone through if they have ever ended a relationship. You are human and in love so now the loss of that love is weighing on you heavily.

    Of course you are second guessing yourself but it sounds like this was well thought out and you didn't just say "it's over" in the heat of the moment.

    Allow yourself to grieve the loss of what was once such a loving and hopeful relationship. I myself have second guessed myself over one particular woman even though I know in my mind it was the best thing to do for me. Now my heart had and occasionally still has different ideas on the subject.

    It takes time for your heart to come around to the logic of the mind. Your heart wants love but your mind needs to protect your heart. It is a battle as old as human kind...

    Don't isolate yourself. Call a buddy and catch up and if it is safe in your area have a beer together. This isn't a time to be alone so reach out to those that love you.

    Hang in there, it will get better but don't be surprised if the second guessing pops up from time to time even a year later.

    Lost
    Thanks. Itís complicated. A big part of the reason we broke up is because she loved me. I could not say it back because I was very depressed and felt like she was the root of it. Now that itís over I do question whether or not I actually did love her, and think maybe I did.

    The fact of the matter is it was a long drawn out relationship with a lot of conflict and ultimately very unhealthy for me. Plus our life goals did not align. I have been depressed and felt bogged down for a very very long time. I thought I would feel liberated but the attachment is very strong even though the relationship was, in my opinion toxic. I feel completely lost and donít know who I am or what to do with my life. Soooo hard.

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    Just thinking out loud. Itís almost like I would have to choose between her and my own happiness. Iíve spent the past three days since she left cleaning my whole house. I have not clean this place in probably about four years. It looks like a completely new place. I was so mildly depressed I did not care about my house.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Not toxic...just not compatible. If you don't have passions, goals aligned, there is nothing there to make it last for the long haul. It has run it's course, now it's time to move on. There's nothing wrong with you, and nothing wrong with her...just two different people that grew apart.

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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Not toxic...just not compatible. If you don't have passions, goals aligned, there is nothing there to make it last for the long haul. It has run it's course, now it's time to move on. There's nothing wrong with you, and nothing wrong with her...just two different people that grew apart.
    No. It was the definition of toxic. Iím no angel but I donít yell, belittle, complain, get aggressive. Her negativity, paranoia, being territorial and complete miserable outlook on life and the human race wore me down to numbness and constant mild depression. She wanted me and her to be in my house and everyone else was the enemy.

    Yes, I should not have dragged it out as long as I did but I truly wanted it to work somehow. Definitely my bad but I have been worn down and emotionally exhausted for a very long time. Was hoping she would grow more mature over time and heal from whatever happened to her in her past. She did grow in some ways but in the end, I was and am depleted and not happy with my life or itís direction.

    I need to heal and finally start to care for myself. Itís gonna be a long climb.

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    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Your view on the relationship is that it was toxic which is understandable and only you and her lived it so you would know but from what you have written I agree with smackie that it had way more to with two people that were just not compatible but were very bad for each other.

    For example: If you are reserved but really want to get out and do exciting things but are afraid and you meet someone that does all the things you have always wanted to do and they take you along that person is good for you. BUT if you struggle with being reserved and afraid and you meet someone that increases those feelings you begin a cycle where the person you are with actually makes it easier to stay in the bad cycle and you never grow.

    Was she horrible to you? Yes from what you wrote I would say that is accurate but for all that she was also enabling you and you her.

    In the end does it really matter why it is over? The fact that it is over should be a good thing even though your heart misses her and misses the companionship. Even bad circumstances and people can be missed if that is all you have in your life.

    You have taken a big step in the right direction. Cleaning your house could be seen as metaphoric for your life. You have started to clean your life that has been neglected for years.

    This is all doable but I feel you need more help than we can provide. Are you willing to see a therapist?

    I know your story and just so you know mine. My ex wife and I were together 20 years and when I caught her cheating, our disabled son was 8 years old at the time. I was devastated, in disbelief and a mess. Long story short I am happier now than I ever was with her and I learned that I was working so hard to try and make her happy that I was not living my own life. Turns out I was on a fools errand as she has never been happy but I didn't realize that was her issue, not mine. Sound familiar?

    There is a happy life waiting for you out there but you have to go get it!

    Lost

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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Your view on the relationship is that it was toxic which is understandable and only you and her lived it so you would know but from what you have written I agree with smackie that it had way more to with two people that were just not compatible but were very bad for each other.

    For example: If you are reserved but really want to get out and do exciting things but are afraid and you meet someone that does all the things you have always wanted to do and they take you along that person is good for you. BUT if you struggle with being reserved and afraid and you meet someone that increases those feelings you begin a cycle where the person you are with actually makes it easier to stay in the bad cycle and you never grow.

    Was she horrible to you? Yes from what you wrote I would say that is accurate but for all that she was also enabling you and you her.

    In the end does it really matter why it is over? The fact that it is over should be a good thing even though your heart misses her and misses the companionship. Even bad circumstances and people can be missed if that is all you have in your life.

    You have taken a big step in the right direction. Cleaning your house could be seen as metaphoric for your life. You have started to clean your life that has been neglected for years.

    This is all doable but I feel you need more help than we can provide. Are you willing to see a therapist?

    I know your story and just so you know mine. My ex wife and I were together 20 years and when I caught her cheating, our disabled son was 8 years old at the time. I was devastated, in disbelief and a mess. Long story short I am happier now than I ever was with her and I learned that I was working so hard to try and make her happy that I was not living my own life. Turns out I was on a fools errand as she has never been happy but I didn't realize that was her issue, not mine. Sound familiar?

    There is a happy life waiting for you out there but you have to go get it!

    Lost
    Thank you. A lot of good points for me to reflect on. I appreciate it very much.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Destroyed 33
    I could not say it back because I was very depressed and felt like she was the root of it. Now that itís over I do question whether or not I actually did love her, and think maybe I did.
    Sorry for all this, again.

    Big picture: this is just the time to give in to the feelings a bit, not try not to judge them. Saying that your mind is "terrorizing" youówell, that's judgement. What about just observation instead? You are hurting, understandably. You are allowed to hurt. Hurt is hurt. It doesn't feel goodónot on the body, when a limb is snapped, not on the mind, during heartache. The more you can meet these feelings with that perspective, the more you move through them rather than fighting them through judgement. Because the great risk of judgement is that future relationshipsóbe it with friends or bosses or future romancesóbecome shots at atonement, at changing the verdict, often at the expense of a genuine and vulnerable connection.

    I highlighted the above for a related reason. This may not be the time, so feel free to toss these words in the attic for future perusal once some smoke has cleared, but at some point I think there's a lot here to unravel, and to find some peace and perspective in the unraveling. Five years with someone you couldn't express love to? Five years with someone, on that note, who you may not have loved? Five years with someone who rewarded that version of yourself with commitment? Odds are that if I met you five years and five minutes ago, that would not be your definition of ideal. So what, do you think, led to spending so much time in a relationship that rewarded you staying closed and protective, rather than open and vulnerable? Why the urge to seek comfort with your legsóyour heartóstraddling a fence?

    Like turning on the lights in a darkened room, asking those questions can be joltóat first. But with the room illuminated you can understand how to furnish it a bit better, a way that is more true to yourself and, eventually, more comfortable for another. We can only share space with people as well as we can exist in our own space.

    While I believe love can be anything we humans want to call it, I personally don't think love should ever feel like a math problem, a knot to untangle. Feeling moderately more certain of love only once the fuse is lit and the bomb has gone off? I don't want to negate your feelings during a tender momentónot for a secondóbut I would challenge yourself, even now, to be humble to ask if that's even something you want to label love, since it's ultimately labeling pain love. Yes, it is easier, in ways, to say "I love you" or "I loved her" than "I lost," but sometimes it's the latter that makes room for the former to ring so true it's less a theory than a fact, as certain as the sun going down in the west.

    So I don't sound wise or preachy, I say all that as someone who has had to do a lot of digging on these fronts, particularly after a relationship with some parallels at just around your age. The details are irrelevantóboring to me by now, so a snooze to anyone elseóbut one thing that brought me a modicum of unexpected comfort as I moved through the feelings was the idea that it didn't say much good about us if my strongest feelings for her were felt not when we were together, but when it was all unraveling. Somewhere out there, I started thinking, there was someone who I'd feel the same depth of feeling for and with, inside a relationship rather than only on the way out when the "terror" of my mind was whirling as the heart gasped.

    Hang in there. No storm is forever.

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