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Thread: A little rattled

  1. #11
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Destroyed,

    You should print out what Blue posted and read it everyday when you get up and everyday before bed. He has give you a wonderful gift, don't squander it.

    Blue,
    I commend you for your insight.

    Lost

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Blue68's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Destroyed 33
    No. It was the definition of toxic. I’m no angel but I don’t yell, belittle, complain, get aggressive. Her negativity, paranoia, being territorial and complete miserable outlook on life and the human race wore me down to numbness and constant mild depression. She wanted me and her to be in my house and everyone else was the enemy.

    Yes, I should not have dragged it out as long as I did but I truly wanted it to work somehow. Definitely my bad but I have been worn down and emotionally exhausted for a very long time. Was hoping she would grow more mature over time and heal from whatever happened to her in her past. She did grow in some ways but in the end, I was and am depleted and not happy with my life or it’s direction.

    I need to heal and finally start to care for myself. It’s gonna be a long climb.
    This reminds me of someone I used to be married to ... though my ex-h was the one who actually ended things. I was pretty devastated for a while but once I was over the initial shock, I soon began to realise that I was much happier without him because his negativity, pessimism and moaning used to really bring me down and pretty much made my children's lives miserable.

    It's only been a few days for you so it will take a while to get used to things. You know why you had to do this, you just need to remind yourself of this when you have a wobble. Don't beat yourself up for wanting to make it work. Also bear in mind that she's being on her best behaviour when she sees you.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry for all this, again.

    Big picture: this is just the time to give in to the feelings a bit, not try not to judge them. Saying that your mind is "terrorizing" you—well, that's judgement. What about just observation instead? You are hurting, understandably. You are allowed to hurt. Hurt is hurt. It doesn't feel good—not on the body, when a limb is snapped, not on the mind, during heartache. The more you can meet these feelings with that perspective, the more you move through them rather than fighting them through judgement. Because the great risk of judgement is that future relationships—be it with friends or bosses or future romances—become shots at atonement, at changing the verdict, often at the expense of a genuine and vulnerable connection.

    I highlighted the above for a related reason. This may not be the time, so feel free to toss these words in the attic for future perusal once some smoke has cleared, but at some point I think there's a lot here to unravel, and to find some peace and perspective in the unraveling. Five years with someone you couldn't express love to? Five years with someone, on that note, who you may not have loved? Five years with someone who rewarded that version of yourself with commitment? Odds are that if I met you five years and five minutes ago, that would not be your definition of ideal. So what, do you think, led to spending so much time in a relationship that rewarded you staying closed and protective, rather than open and vulnerable? Why the urge to seek comfort with your legs—your heart—straddling a fence?

    Like turning on the lights in a darkened room, asking those questions can be jolt—at first. But with the room illuminated you can understand how to furnish it a bit better, a way that is more true to yourself and, eventually, more comfortable for another. We can only share space with people as well as we can exist in our own space.

    While I believe love can be anything we humans want to call it, I personally don't think love should ever feel like a math problem, a knot to untangle. Feeling moderately more certain of love only once the fuse is lit and the bomb has gone off? I don't want to negate your feelings during a tender moment—not for a second—but I would challenge yourself, even now, to be humble to ask if that's even something you want to label love, since it's ultimately labeling pain love. Yes, it is easier, in ways, to say "I love you" or "I loved her" than "I lost," but sometimes it's the latter that makes room for the former to ring so true it's less a theory than a fact, as certain as the sun going down in the west.

    So I don't sound wise or preachy, I say all that as someone who has had to do a lot of digging on these fronts, particularly after a relationship with some parallels at just around your age. The details are irrelevant—boring to me by now, so a snooze to anyone else—but one thing that brought me a modicum of unexpected comfort as I moved through the feelings was the idea that it didn't say much good about us if my strongest feelings for her were felt not when we were together, but when it was all unraveling. Somewhere out there, I started thinking, there was someone who I'd feel the same depth of feeling for and with, inside a relationship rather than only on the way out when the "terror" of my mind was whirling as the heart gasped.

    Hang in there. No storm is forever.
    Thank you for this support. A lot of really good insight and things to think about.

    As for the reason we were together for five years...

    I wanted it to work. There was also a very steady decline in my happiness that was so consistent and and gradual that there was never one day or moment where I felt like it wasn’t something that could just be put off to the next day or next fight or whatever brought me to the line. There was never a peek. Living day to day. Fearing the fallout. Petrified of it. Easier just to wait until tomorrow.

    I know it’s not right. I know it seems ridiculous. But it is what it is. A lot of factors and variables. I did not want to hurt her, make her feel rejected, make her feel abandoned, I also felt that she may Do something drastic which luckily she did not. I also fear for my own well-being and the pain that will inevitably come from being alone and completely lost. I wish it just could have worked. We both tried. Over and over. It came to a head many times.

    Yes I feel horrible even though it could not have gone any smoother. Either way it is what it is and I just have to work on healing. I’m not proud that it went on for as long as it did. But I try to look on the bright side. There are positives looking back.

    Thank you all again for your time and support. I appreciate it very very much.

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