Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 18

Thread: Quarantine Breakup

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    8

    Quarantine Breakup

    BREAKUP ADVICE

    Since quarantine started in March and my boyfriend of 2 years (living together for 1) got laid off I noticed a huge decrease in his motivation, which of course I can't blame him for. It was a weird time for everyone. I work as a nurse and was working regularly. This led to him playing video games for extreme amounts of time, he always played but now we are looking at 8am - 10pm straight gaming and smoking weed every 2 hours. I was coming home from work to cook, clean, exercise and do it all again. It wasn't so bad until around the beginning of May. I was still working a lot, and restrictions started to lift so I was taking advantage of that and going to visit my parents often (while social distancing of course). Sadly my boyfriend is not from Canada and all his family is across seas in Europe. I think all of this got to him mentally, and the fact I was not very present due to my own stress was definitely took a toll on him. I went to work last Sunday and things were great with us, we were talking about buying a house together the day before.

    Fast forward and I got home from work Sunday and he told me to pack my bags and get out of the apartment, he told me he never wanted to see/speak to me again and told me to check my phone. While I was at work, he went on my laptop and went through my facebook messages, he went into my group chat with my girlfriends from the beginning of May where my girlfriends and I were talking about how broke we are from online shopping. My one girlfriend mentioned "We need rich men" and I replied "100% on the lookout for a rich man, cha ching!". He took this as I was actively looking for a new boyfriend. The following message was sent after he played video games after I worked all day long and I stated "sometimes I wish he did not exist.". Which is SO hurtful, I recognize what I said was not ok, but he was not talking to me therefore I was heated and had to vent to my friends.So when I got home from work he sent me the screenshots of those messages from my computer, he stated he does not want to be with someone who does not love him, and that he would "never even think those things about me because he loves me more than anything". He did not even give me a chance to explain, and stated he would be out of the house until I collected all of my belongings. He blocked me on facebook, instagram and snapchat.

    I was able to speak with his mom a bit using google translate and she stated he is very hurt and angry that I would say those things about him (although I love him and did not mean them). She stated he said that a woman that loves a man would not speak like this about him to her friends - I'm sure we all love to vent about our men! He told one of my friends, that if he has any self respect, he cannot return to a relationship where I have said these things about him.I am shocked he resorted to going through my laptop without talking to me first. And I'm absolutely heartbroken that he read messages that were not intended for him, as I'm not sure he understood the context and then made a very rash decision. He is always the type if we have an argument he cannot talk about it and needs to be alone for a while.

    I think I'm mostly just frustrated, heartbroken because I had to leave my apartment and my best friend over a misunderstanding. Since he blocked me on everything when I left I left a note apologizing for the things I said and letting him know how much I care about him. He has not contacted me.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    270
    To be honest, if I found out that the person I loved was saying things like that about me to their friends I don't think I'd be able to forgive and forget. I really don't think you should have got his mum involved. That would p*ss me off even more.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,989
    Gender
    Female
    Well I know maybe this isn't something you want to hear, but it actually sounds like your relationship was really going downhill even before your boyfriend found those messages. I think you need to consider what your values are and what you want out of a relationship. What are you looking for long-term? Have you imagined what sort of partner you would want to be with in future? Their qualities?

    I ask those questions because when I was reading your post, I was thinking that this wouldn't be who I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I personally would have a problem with someone who is an actual drug addict. I know weed is legal in many countries now but it does have strong psychogical and physical effects. It does really affect the person and in my opinion not in a good way. One of my ex's smoked weed constantly and he developed bad mental health problems and committed suicide. I'm not saying your boyfriend would do this but smoking weed every two hours every day is definitely addiction.

    Also sure, it's fine to have hobbies and interests, e.g. gaming. But doing something literally 24/7 is also addiction. Gaming from dusk till dawn is a problem because it literally consumes all of that person's life. And considering you were working a lot still, he could have done chores, cooking and things like that. Your relationship is completely uneven where you worked and did everything around the house, while he just constantly sat around and did sweet f all. I understand quarantine was a really difficult time, but how a person behaves in difficult times does also speak of their character.

    What you said about your boyfriend in group chat is really bad, that's true. But there is another issue that he was actually going through your laptop behind your back! He is snooping on your computer! These things are all big red flags in my opinion. And he didn't even care what you had to say for yourself and just kicked you out. Personally I would not actually want to be with him myself after all this.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    6,496
    Gender
    Female
    You should not have involved his mother. I see why he told you to move out, I'd do the same. If you are going to rant about someone on your phone you need to remember to delete those messages when you are finished your rant.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,989
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    You should not have involved his mother. I see why he told you to move out, I'd do the same. If you are going to rant about someone on your phone you need to remember to delete those messages when you are finished your rant.
    I agree what she said was really bad, but he doesn't actually sound like a catch either. He sounds like a huge stoner who is addicted to gaming and never does anything around the house and just expects her to do it. I think if you're saying bad things about your partner, it's best to just let them go. You probably said those things for a reason.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Posts
    1,943
    Gender
    Female
    Well it fell apart because you never took real time to sit down with him and expressed your feelings, but also listen to him and how he felt...instead of venting that garbage to your GFs. I don't blame him for being upset, you deceived him because you didn't trust him enough to communicate your issues with him. BUT some of it is on him, for not lifting a finger to find another job or be more useful around the apartment, by cooking, cleaning, etc. So he did disrespect you too. If he loved you he would have shown more appreciation and helped out in anyway he could.

    So that being said, he's not someone I would marry because he is undependable/unreliable...seriously open your eyes, he's not that great. Gosh what would it have been like if you had kids?

    I hope you have learned something here...don't turn to your GF's with your relationship issues, turn to your partner. Work it out with them.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    10,683
    Honestly, it was probably for the best for both of you. Been with my wife for 6 years, and "venting" about her has always ever extended to tripping over a stray shoe or how she can't tell a mop apart from an oven. If I found out she was writing things like you wrote, I'd have dropped her quicker than a bag of bricks, and I'd fully appreciate her doing the same if I were to say such things. Don't know if you've just been watching too much TV or if you've eaten so much avocado that it's now in your blood, but that kind of rhetoric isn't some lolsy "yaaas queen" norm. Sincerely reconsider your friendship circle if they've got you convinced that it is.

    For his part, obviously it's not a good look to veg out daily playing video games and smoking weed. Being forcibly quarantined and consequently losing my job and not being able to see my family isn't something I've experienced, so far be it from me to call him an abject loser during a very temporary rut, assuming it would have panned out as such. Still, like I'd drop someone for saying the things you did, I'd do the same for someone who invaded my privacy, never mind to the sheer extent he did. Obviously there was no trust, as deservedly as it seems.

    Sorry that you're hurt. He's done you a favor doing the heavy lifting blocking you and enforcing no-contact. I'd do the same to him just to be sure he can't unblock you and set you back. There's nothing any of us can say to make it easier to hear, but it will get better.

  9. #8
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    8
    thanks for your reply!

    His mom was the one that reached out to me.

  10. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Posts
    8
    Oh I completely agree. Multiple instances I have asked to talk to him about the smoking and the gaming. I have been sitting there begging for him to cut down on both or either and he usually would turn the conversation around. It usually ended up being "my fault" or "my problem" because I was the one that had the problem with it. If I ever brought up the gaming, he would tell me it should not even effect me.

    I turned to my girlfriends because I could not even talk to him about the situation. If we got in a disagreement he would go sit in the other bedroom and close the door and he would not come out until I went in there - could be up to 2 days - just to clear the tension, even if it was not my fault...

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    3,481
    Gender
    Female
    It doesn't sound like you were happy in the relationship. This would have spelled disaster if you both had bought a home together or married. I know you are in shock and a lot of pain but when the dust starts to clear in a few weeks, you may have found you've dodged a bullet. Who here hasn't been misinterpreted or been misunderstood in the past? I really do feel for you but I think it's older/wiser now and it's also learning that maybe if you have nothing nice to say, it's best not saying at all.

    I have an overwhelming sense of guilt if I speak badly about my partner or a family member. I've done it a couple of times and come right back to apologize to the person on the receiving end because he/she didn't deserve to hear that, especially coming from me, and I've admitted my wrongdoing. Thankfully, the people involved were very understanding and never pried or brought out any other negative emotions from me. My only advice is, even among girlfriends, keep the tough moments of your relationship private and let the both of you deal with things in your own time. You'll be giving each other a real fighting chance at working through your problems.

    I think your partner is a bit of a hothead also and that's a red flag to me. He didn't spend time speaking with you about what you wrote. I think the weed has a serious effect on thought processes and impulse control. I'm not sure where you live but depending on your environment, that stuff is mainstream in BC. If you don't do it on a regular basis, you're in the minority and I've seen the change in my friends and and loved ones. If he has issues with depression or other mental health issues both of you would have had to deal with that on a deeper level. Using weed to mask those issues isn't the best answer. It is also an expensive habit and something to think about if you both ever decide to co-own property.

    I'm a firm believer that when two people begin their life together and live together, it's a serious commitment. He shouldn't have thrown you out of the apartment like that. That was done out of spite and on impulse. There are better ways to work this through. What happened is a product of months and months of frustration and having dissimilar lifestyles. You may not see it now but I think this has worked out for the best.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Videos


How To Overcome A Divorce

Love Hormone Oxytocin Improves Stressful Relationships

Forgiveness Does Not Always Solve Relationship Problems

Too Much Commitment Can Destroy Romantic Relationship

Why Is It So Hard To Quit Smoking?

TV Romance Can Ruin Real-Life Relationships
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •