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Quarantine Breakup


charbyrde

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BREAKUP ADVICE

 

Since quarantine started in March and my boyfriend of 2 years (living together for 1) got laid off I noticed a huge decrease in his motivation, which of course I can't blame him for. It was a weird time for everyone. I work as a nurse and was working regularly. This led to him playing video games for extreme amounts of time, he always played but now we are looking at 8am - 10pm straight gaming and smoking weed every 2 hours. I was coming home from work to cook, clean, exercise and do it all again. It wasn't so bad until around the beginning of May. I was still working a lot, and restrictions started to lift so I was taking advantage of that and going to visit my parents often (while social distancing of course). Sadly my boyfriend is not from Canada and all his family is across seas in Europe. I think all of this got to him mentally, and the fact I was not very present due to my own stress was definitely took a toll on him. I went to work last Sunday and things were great with us, we were talking about buying a house together the day before.

 

Fast forward and I got home from work Sunday and he told me to pack my bags and get out of the apartment, he told me he never wanted to see/speak to me again and told me to check my phone. While I was at work, he went on my laptop and went through my facebook messages, he went into my group chat with my girlfriends from the beginning of May where my girlfriends and I were talking about how broke we are from online shopping. My one girlfriend mentioned "We need rich men" and I replied "100% on the lookout for a rich man, cha ching!". He took this as I was actively looking for a new boyfriend. The following message was sent after he played video games after I worked all day long and I stated "sometimes I wish he did not exist.". Which is SO hurtful, I recognize what I said was not ok, but he was not talking to me therefore I was heated and had to vent to my friends.So when I got home from work he sent me the screenshots of those messages from my computer, he stated he does not want to be with someone who does not love him, and that he would "never even think those things about me because he loves me more than anything". He did not even give me a chance to explain, and stated he would be out of the house until I collected all of my belongings. He blocked me on facebook, instagram and snapchat.

 

I was able to speak with his mom a bit using google translate and she stated he is very hurt and angry that I would say those things about him (although I love him and did not mean them). She stated he said that a woman that loves a man would not speak like this about him to her friends - I'm sure we all love to vent about our men! He told one of my friends, that if he has any self respect, he cannot return to a relationship where I have said these things about him.I am shocked he resorted to going through my laptop without talking to me first. And I'm absolutely heartbroken that he read messages that were not intended for him, as I'm not sure he understood the context and then made a very rash decision. He is always the type if we have an argument he cannot talk about it and needs to be alone for a while.

 

I think I'm mostly just frustrated, heartbroken because I had to leave my apartment and my best friend over a misunderstanding. Since he blocked me on everything when I left I left a note apologizing for the things I said and letting him know how much I care about him. He has not contacted me.

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Well I know maybe this isn't something you want to hear, but it actually sounds like your relationship was really going downhill even before your boyfriend found those messages. I think you need to consider what your values are and what you want out of a relationship. What are you looking for long-term? Have you imagined what sort of partner you would want to be with in future? Their qualities?

 

I ask those questions because when I was reading your post, I was thinking that this wouldn't be who I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I personally would have a problem with someone who is an actual drug addict. I know weed is legal in many countries now but it does have strong psychogical and physical effects. It does really affect the person and in my opinion not in a good way. One of my ex's smoked weed constantly and he developed bad mental health problems and committed suicide. I'm not saying your boyfriend would do this but smoking weed every two hours every day is definitely addiction.

 

Also sure, it's fine to have hobbies and interests, e.g. gaming. But doing something literally 24/7 is also addiction. Gaming from dusk till dawn is a problem because it literally consumes all of that person's life. And considering you were working a lot still, he could have done chores, cooking and things like that. Your relationship is completely uneven where you worked and did everything around the house, while he just constantly sat around and did sweet f all. I understand quarantine was a really difficult time, but how a person behaves in difficult times does also speak of their character.

 

What you said about your boyfriend in group chat is really bad, that's true. But there is another issue that he was actually going through your laptop behind your back! He is snooping on your computer! These things are all big red flags in my opinion. And he didn't even care what you had to say for yourself and just kicked you out. Personally I would not actually want to be with him myself after all this.

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You should not have involved his mother. I see why he told you to move out, I'd do the same. If you are going to rant about someone on your phone you need to remember to delete those messages when you are finished your rant.

 

I agree what she said was really bad, but he doesn't actually sound like a catch either. He sounds like a huge stoner who is addicted to gaming and never does anything around the house and just expects her to do it. I think if you're saying bad things about your partner, it's best to just let them go. You probably said those things for a reason.

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Well it fell apart because you never took real time to sit down with him and expressed your feelings, but also listen to him and how he felt...instead of venting that garbage to your GFs. I don't blame him for being upset, you deceived him because you didn't trust him enough to communicate your issues with him. BUT some of it is on him, for not lifting a finger to find another job or be more useful around the apartment, by cooking, cleaning, etc. So he did disrespect you too. If he loved you he would have shown more appreciation and helped out in anyway he could.

 

So that being said, he's not someone I would marry because he is undependable/unreliable...seriously open your eyes, he's not that great. Gosh what would it have been like if you had kids?

 

I hope you have learned something here...don't turn to your GF's with your relationship issues, turn to your partner. Work it out with them.

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Honestly, it was probably for the best for both of you. Been with my wife for 6 years, and "venting" about her has always ever extended to tripping over a stray shoe or how she can't tell a mop apart from an oven. If I found out she was writing things like you wrote, I'd have dropped her quicker than a bag of bricks, and I'd fully appreciate her doing the same if I were to say such things. Don't know if you've just been watching too much TV or if you've eaten so much avocado that it's now in your blood, but that kind of rhetoric isn't some lolsy "yaaas queen" norm. Sincerely reconsider your friendship circle if they've got you convinced that it is.

 

For his part, obviously it's not a good look to veg out daily playing video games and smoking weed. Being forcibly quarantined and consequently losing my job and not being able to see my family isn't something I've experienced, so far be it from me to call him an abject loser during a very temporary rut, assuming it would have panned out as such. Still, like I'd drop someone for saying the things you did, I'd do the same for someone who invaded my privacy, never mind to the sheer extent he did. Obviously there was no trust, as deservedly as it seems.

 

Sorry that you're hurt. He's done you a favor doing the heavy lifting blocking you and enforcing no-contact. I'd do the same to him just to be sure he can't unblock you and set you back. There's nothing any of us can say to make it easier to hear, but it will get better.

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Oh I completely agree. Multiple instances I have asked to talk to him about the smoking and the gaming. I have been sitting there begging for him to cut down on both or either and he usually would turn the conversation around. It usually ended up being "my fault" or "my problem" because I was the one that had the problem with it. If I ever brought up the gaming, he would tell me it should not even effect me.

 

I turned to my girlfriends because I could not even talk to him about the situation. If we got in a disagreement he would go sit in the other bedroom and close the door and he would not come out until I went in there - could be up to 2 days - just to clear the tension, even if it was not my fault...

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It doesn't sound like you were happy in the relationship. This would have spelled disaster if you both had bought a home together or married. I know you are in shock and a lot of pain but when the dust starts to clear in a few weeks, you may have found you've dodged a bullet. Who here hasn't been misinterpreted or been misunderstood in the past? I really do feel for you but I think it's older/wiser now and it's also learning that maybe if you have nothing nice to say, it's best not saying at all.

 

I have an overwhelming sense of guilt if I speak badly about my partner or a family member. I've done it a couple of times and come right back to apologize to the person on the receiving end because he/she didn't deserve to hear that, especially coming from me, and I've admitted my wrongdoing. Thankfully, the people involved were very understanding and never pried or brought out any other negative emotions from me. My only advice is, even among girlfriends, keep the tough moments of your relationship private and let the both of you deal with things in your own time. You'll be giving each other a real fighting chance at working through your problems.

 

I think your partner is a bit of a hothead also and that's a red flag to me. He didn't spend time speaking with you about what you wrote. I think the weed has a serious effect on thought processes and impulse control. I'm not sure where you live but depending on your environment, that stuff is mainstream in BC. If you don't do it on a regular basis, you're in the minority and I've seen the change in my friends and and loved ones. If he has issues with depression or other mental health issues both of you would have had to deal with that on a deeper level. Using weed to mask those issues isn't the best answer. It is also an expensive habit and something to think about if you both ever decide to co-own property.

 

I'm a firm believer that when two people begin their life together and live together, it's a serious commitment. He shouldn't have thrown you out of the apartment like that. That was done out of spite and on impulse. There are better ways to work this through. What happened is a product of months and months of frustration and having dissimilar lifestyles. You may not see it now but I think this has worked out for the best.

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I'm sorry, I know you are hurting, but I do think this break up is really for the best for you. Dodged a huge bullet kind of a thing. If you are honest, you were not happy with this relationship for a long time. You don't reach that level of venting to your friends overnight and over nothing much.

 

Also, if he went digging through your personal chats with friends, not only was he violating your privacy and eavesdropping, but he was actively looking for trouble. I suspect that he was actually looking for reasons to break up and found them. So he got to break up and walk away looking good doing it while making you out to be the bad person. Even if he would have found nothing, I still think he would have found some other reason to break up by picking some other fight over something. In short don't blame yourself and don't convince yourself that it was just a misunderstanding. I don't think it was. I suspect it was very much planned and a cowards way out. Some people are like that - they can't just end things amicably, they have to make the other person a bad guy to make themselves feel good about the break up. It seems like exactly what happened here.

 

If you step back a moment, he wasn't long term relationship material. No doubt you had some good times, but relationships aren't built on good times. You saw what he is like when life goes bad and his behavior was garbage. Including refusing to talk, communicate or resolve any issues between you. Someone who responds to hard times by getting high 24/7 and burying themselves in escapism, aka gaming, is not life partner material. That's a manchild who can't handle life. Meanwhile, what were you doing? Essentially playing mommy to him - going to work, paying the bills, cleaning, cooking, etc. while baby sits and plays all day and night. Hardly a big loss. Sorry, but I really can't work up much sympathy for your loss....it's just not a loss, more like saving grace that he bolted. If he had been cleaning and cooking and giving you back rubs while you are covering the bills while he is out of work, that would be different, but he was not doing anything such.

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Sorry about all this.

 

I can sympathize with both of you. Had I seen those messages on my girlfriend's computer, I'd be pretty thrown, perhaps irreparably. At the same time, in your shoes, I'd be pretty thrown by the gaming, the pot smoking, and certainly by my partner choosing to look through my computer rather than attempt to speak to me about what's on their mind. Violating trust and privacy is not how trust and security get built, and on a subconscious level I wonder if he was looking for a reason to end things. Maybe you've been looking as well, in some part of your spirit.

 

Along with others, I can't help but wonder if this very sour moment, and all the sour feelings surrounding it, is best accepted less as the result of the immediate triggers—his shift in behavior, what you said to your friends—than as a relationship reaching the point of no longer functioning. From some of what you said—him shutting himself away in the past, to say nothing about the specific content of your "venting"—it sounds like things haven't really worked for a good long while, before we all found ourselves living in unusually tumultuous times.

 

Talking to friends about things is understandable, and letting out some frustrations in that realm can be healthy. But if the potency and specificity of those frustrations is significantly greater than love, respect, and compassion, you run the risk of using those venting moments less as a means to grow than as a way of staying in something that doesn't serve either party. Take some time now to think and feel and you may come to see that the saddest and hardest thing here is just that: two people who stopped serving each other. Awful to stomach, but ultimately it's what frees up space for connections that don't have this level of corrosion to "function."

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Oh I completely agree. Multiple instances I have asked to talk to him about the smoking and the gaming. I have been sitting there begging for him to cut down on both or either and he usually would turn the conversation around. It usually ended up being "my fault" or "my problem" because I was the one that had the problem with it. If I ever brought up the gaming, he would tell me it should not even effect me.

 

I turned to my girlfriends because I could not even talk to him about the situation. If we got in a disagreement he would go sit in the other bedroom and close the door and he would not come out until I went in there - could be up to 2 days - just to clear the tension, even if it was not my fault...

I'm sorry. Break ups hurt.

 

Sounds like, if you're really honest about it, you guys are not that compatible and have completely different communication styles.

 

I think going forward, you need to look for these flags. The silent treatment is not healthy. Nor is venting to friends. The people you need to vent to are each other.

 

Always look for someone that works WITH YOU to resolve. It should not be on you to resolve everything by giving in to a pouting, baby pot head.

 

That way things don't build up and you work with your partner together....

 

Sorry you're hurting through this, but its for the best. if a person's boundaries won't allow them to forgive, it's not on you to say its right or wrong. You recognize it and let them go. its respecting them (and you) as different people.

 

Shame on the mum for butting in. that's another reason to be done. Trust me.

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Oh I completely agree. Multiple instances I have asked to talk to him about the smoking and the gaming. I have been sitting there begging for him to cut down on both or either and he usually would turn the conversation around. It usually ended up being "my fault" or "my problem" because I was the one that had the problem with it. If I ever brought up the gaming, he would tell me it should not even effect me.

 

I turned to my girlfriends because I could not even talk to him about the situation. If we got in a disagreement he would go sit in the other bedroom and close the door and he would not come out until I went in there - could be up to 2 days - just to clear the tension, even if it was not my fault...

 

That's when you should have walked out. The 4 things that predict a failed relationship..Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

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Sorry to hear this. You are much better off without him. He violated your privacy and you have every right to have private communication with confidants. His mother was wrong to reach out to you and nuts to insist that you have no confidants or private communication that her lazy pothead son the moocher has the right to break into.

I work as a nurse and was working regularly. This led to him playing video games for extreme amounts of time, he always played but now we are looking at 8am - 10pm straight gaming and smoking weed every 2 hours.

 

While I was at work, he went on my laptop and went through my facebook messages

 

I was able to speak with his mom a bit using google translate and she stated he is very hurt and angry that I would say those things about him. She stated he said that a woman that loves a man would not speak like this about him to her friends

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You weren't happy with him not working, playing videos games and smoking weed.

 

BUT you shouldn't be running to your friends, bad mouth, throw him under a bus, say the things you did and expect that it's okay to treat someone like that, even if it is behind their back.

I'm sure we all love to vent about our men!

 

No, we don't all do that. Many of us are grown women who know how to deal with problems, on our own. We don't run to our friends, pull them into drama, create your side versus his side and all sorts of highschool nonsense.

You're a nurse for goodness sake! You should know better.

 

It's never a good idea to bring other people into your arguments or your upsets with a partner. It's unfair and you should be able to handle your own relationship issues without pulling your friends in, or needing to rant. Ranting won't get you anywhere. It does not solve anything and only makes your boyfriend look like an ass. Which again is toxic, especially if you want to continue the relationship. Besides the fact that it's none of their business.

 

As for him going into your computer, that doesn't make him worse than you, or "how dare he"....he did the same amount of wrong as you did, so don't try to villainize him when you were both in the wrong.

 

What it comes down to, is that you two are incompatible and it wasn't working. Otherwise you wouldn't have been bad mouthing him to your friends and he wouldn't have gone through your things.

You two ending, is what was inevitably going to happen as it was a relationship going downhill.

 

Neither of you were being respectful.

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I think this was handled poorly by both of you.

 

I get the impression that the two of you didn't communicate well about your concerns and your needs.

 

Some of your comments were harsh, but I also think his reaction was over the top.

 

Based on your comments and his reaction to them (and his snooping), it sounds like resentment was building on both sides in this relationship.

 

I can understand why you are frustrated and heartbroken.

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Oh I completely agree. Multiple instances I have asked to talk to him about the smoking and the gaming. I have been sitting there begging for him to cut down on both or either and he usually would turn the conversation around. It usually ended up being "my fault" or "my problem" because I was the one that had the problem with it. If I ever brought up the gaming, he would tell me it should not even effect me.

 

I turned to my girlfriends because I could not even talk to him about the situation. If we got in a disagreement he would go sit in the other bedroom and close the door and he would not come out until I went in there - could be up to 2 days - just to clear the tension, even if it was not my fault...

 

Okay, so does any of his behavior represent the person with whom you envision your future?

 

Is your name on the lease? If so, decide whether you want to leave the apartment or ask him to leave it.

 

Reconsider why you'd want to stay with anyone who is so bored and unproductive that he'd resort to snooping through your stuff. Consider why you were complaining about him in the first place, and consider yourself liberated.

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