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Thread: Quarantine Breakup

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I'm sorry, I know you are hurting, but I do think this break up is really for the best for you. Dodged a huge bullet kind of a thing. If you are honest, you were not happy with this relationship for a long time. You don't reach that level of venting to your friends overnight and over nothing much.

    Also, if he went digging through your personal chats with friends, not only was he violating your privacy and eavesdropping, but he was actively looking for trouble. I suspect that he was actually looking for reasons to break up and found them. So he got to break up and walk away looking good doing it while making you out to be the bad person. Even if he would have found nothing, I still think he would have found some other reason to break up by picking some other fight over something. In short don't blame yourself and don't convince yourself that it was just a misunderstanding. I don't think it was. I suspect it was very much planned and a cowards way out. Some people are like that - they can't just end things amicably, they have to make the other person a bad guy to make themselves feel good about the break up. It seems like exactly what happened here.

    If you step back a moment, he wasn't long term relationship material. No doubt you had some good times, but relationships aren't built on good times. You saw what he is like when life goes bad and his behavior was garbage. Including refusing to talk, communicate or resolve any issues between you. Someone who responds to hard times by getting high 24/7 and burying themselves in escapism, aka gaming, is not life partner material. That's a manchild who can't handle life. Meanwhile, what were you doing? Essentially playing mommy to him - going to work, paying the bills, cleaning, cooking, etc. while baby sits and plays all day and night. Hardly a big loss. Sorry, but I really can't work up much sympathy for your loss....it's just not a loss, more like saving grace that he bolted. If he had been cleaning and cooking and giving you back rubs while you are covering the bills while he is out of work, that would be different, but he was not doing anything such.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    I can sympathize with both of you. Had I seen those messages on my girlfriend's computer, I'd be pretty thrown, perhaps irreparably. At the same time, in your shoes, I'd be pretty thrown by the gaming, the pot smoking, and certainly by my partner choosing to look through my computer rather than attempt to speak to me about what's on their mind. Violating trust and privacy is not how trust and security get built, and on a subconscious level I wonder if he was looking for a reason to end things. Maybe you've been looking as well, in some part of your spirit.

    Along with others, I can't help but wonder if this very sour moment, and all the sour feelings surrounding it, is best accepted less as the result of the immediate triggers—his shift in behavior, what you said to your friends—than as a relationship reaching the point of no longer functioning. From some of what you said—him shutting himself away in the past, to say nothing about the specific content of your "venting"—it sounds like things haven't really worked for a good long while, before we all found ourselves living in unusually tumultuous times.

    Talking to friends about things is understandable, and letting out some frustrations in that realm can be healthy. But if the potency and specificity of those frustrations is significantly greater than love, respect, and compassion, you run the risk of using those venting moments less as a means to grow than as a way of staying in something that doesn't serve either party. Take some time now to think and feel and you may come to see that the saddest and hardest thing here is just that: two people who stopped serving each other. Awful to stomach, but ultimately it's what frees up space for connections that don't have this level of corrosion to "function."

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by charbyrde
    Oh I completely agree. Multiple instances I have asked to talk to him about the smoking and the gaming. I have been sitting there begging for him to cut down on both or either and he usually would turn the conversation around. It usually ended up being "my fault" or "my problem" because I was the one that had the problem with it. If I ever brought up the gaming, he would tell me it should not even effect me.

    I turned to my girlfriends because I could not even talk to him about the situation. If we got in a disagreement he would go sit in the other bedroom and close the door and he would not come out until I went in there - could be up to 2 days - just to clear the tension, even if it was not my fault...
    I'm sorry. Break ups hurt.

    Sounds like, if you're really honest about it, you guys are not that compatible and have completely different communication styles.

    I think going forward, you need to look for these flags. The silent treatment is not healthy. Nor is venting to friends. The people you need to vent to are each other.

    Always look for someone that works WITH YOU to resolve. It should not be on you to resolve everything by giving in to a pouting, baby pot head.

    That way things don't build up and you work with your partner together....

    Sorry you're hurting through this, but its for the best. if a person's boundaries won't allow them to forgive, it's not on you to say its right or wrong. You recognize it and let them go. its respecting them (and you) as different people.

    Shame on the mum for butting in. that's another reason to be done. Trust me.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by charbyrde
    Oh I completely agree. Multiple instances I have asked to talk to him about the smoking and the gaming. I have been sitting there begging for him to cut down on both or either and he usually would turn the conversation around. It usually ended up being "my fault" or "my problem" because I was the one that had the problem with it. If I ever brought up the gaming, he would tell me it should not even effect me.

    I turned to my girlfriends because I could not even talk to him about the situation. If we got in a disagreement he would go sit in the other bedroom and close the door and he would not come out until I went in there - could be up to 2 days - just to clear the tension, even if it was not my fault...
    That's when you should have walked out. The 4 things that predict a failed relationship..Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You are much better off without him. He violated your privacy and you have every right to have private communication with confidants. His mother was wrong to reach out to you and nuts to insist that you have no confidants or private communication that her lazy pothead son the moocher has the right to break into.
    Originally Posted by charbyrde
    I work as a nurse and was working regularly. This led to him playing video games for extreme amounts of time, he always played but now we are looking at 8am - 10pm straight gaming and smoking weed every 2 hours.

    While I was at work, he went on my laptop and went through my facebook messages

    I was able to speak with his mom a bit using google translate and she stated he is very hurt and angry that I would say those things about him. She stated he said that a woman that loves a man would not speak like this about him to her friends

  7. #16
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You weren't happy with him not working, playing videos games and smoking weed. <<<<< This is when you sit down and talk to him, tell him what's bothering you, work something out with him...and if you can't, then tell him it's not working.

    BUT you shouldn't be running to your friends, bad mouth, throw him under a bus, say the things you did and expect that it's okay to treat someone like that, even if it is behind their back.
    I'm sure we all love to vent about our men!
    No, we don't all do that. Many of us are grown women who know how to deal with problems, on our own. We don't run to our friends, pull them into drama, create your side versus his side and all sorts of highschool nonsense.
    You're a nurse for goodness sake! You should know better.

    It's never a good idea to bring other people into your arguments or your upsets with a partner. It's unfair and you should be able to handle your own relationship issues without pulling your friends in, or needing to rant. Ranting won't get you anywhere. It does not solve anything and only makes your boyfriend look like an ass. Which again is toxic, especially if you want to continue the relationship. Besides the fact that it's none of their business.

    As for him going into your computer, that doesn't make him worse than you, or "how dare he"....he did the same amount of wrong as you did, so don't try to villainize him when you were both in the wrong.

    What it comes down to, is that you two are incompatible and it wasn't working. Otherwise you wouldn't have been bad mouthing him to your friends and he wouldn't have gone through your things.
    You two ending, is what was inevitably going to happen as it was a relationship going downhill.

    Neither of you were being respectful.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I think this was handled poorly by both of you.

    I get the impression that the two of you didn't communicate well about your concerns and your needs.

    Some of your comments were harsh, but I also think his reaction was over the top.

    Based on your comments and his reaction to them (and his snooping), it sounds like resentment was building on both sides in this relationship.

    I can understand why you are frustrated and heartbroken.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by charbyrde
    Oh I completely agree. Multiple instances I have asked to talk to him about the smoking and the gaming. I have been sitting there begging for him to cut down on both or either and he usually would turn the conversation around. It usually ended up being "my fault" or "my problem" because I was the one that had the problem with it. If I ever brought up the gaming, he would tell me it should not even effect me.

    I turned to my girlfriends because I could not even talk to him about the situation. If we got in a disagreement he would go sit in the other bedroom and close the door and he would not come out until I went in there - could be up to 2 days - just to clear the tension, even if it was not my fault...
    Okay, so does any of his behavior represent the person with whom you envision your future?

    Is your name on the lease? If so, decide whether you want to leave the apartment or ask him to leave it.

    Reconsider why you'd want to stay with anyone who is so bored and unproductive that he'd resort to snooping through your stuff. Consider why you were complaining about him in the first place, and consider yourself liberated.

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