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Thread: I lied about my past relationship years ago to my fiance. Should I come clean?

  1. #1

    I lied about my past relationship years ago to my fiance. Should I come clean?

    My fiance and I started dating five years ago. Before him, I had been in a serious relationship with one other person which lasted two years. We told each other about our past relationships - I was still a virgin but I had cleared the other bases with my ex-boyfriend. This really bothered by current fiance. We had a great relationship otherwise but he mentioned multiple times that that he just couldn't get passed the idea of another man having seen me naked. So, I decided to lie about it and said that actually my ex-boyfriend had only seen me in my underwear. At this point, I had lost all contact with my ex and I knew there was no way my fiance would ever find out the truth unless I told him.

    It's been five years and my fiance and I are getting married this summer and have a great relationship. I hadn't thought about the lie, but recently, my fiance and I had a conversation where he said again that it would have really bothered him if my ex had seen me naked.

    Personally I am not ashamed of what I did in my relationship with my ex. However, I believe that a marriage should be built on trust and I do think that lying to him was wrong. I've been considering telling my fiance that I've lied to him but I don't think he'd be able to get over not just me being untruthful, but his need to be the only one to ever have had any sexual experience with me. I worry that that insecurity could ruin our relationship. Would it be the right thing to do to tell him? Or should I forget about it and let us move forward without thinking about the past? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
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    So was your fiance a virgin when you began dating? If he was not then why did he expect you to be a virgin and never to have been intimate with anyone before? I'm sorry but especially if you were both over the age of eighteen and been in relationships, it's really unfair of him to have a problem that your ex saw you naked. Unless people are religious or celibate by choice, people get sexually intimate with a partner. It's considered completely normal and common to do this. Especially in Western society. I don't know what background you are from of course...

    Personally if a partner had a problem that I had sex with someone else before them, they can just get lost lol I mean how is it possible to never have had sex with anybody if you've been in relationships? It's very unreasonable to have a problem with this in my opinion.

    No, you shouldn't be ashamed of it. Unless of course it goes against your religion or personal beliefs and values. I think you shouldn't have even had to lie about this to your partner. Most people would not be so jealous and have an issue with it.

  3. #3
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    I think it’s a good idea to come clean now rather than for this issue to resurface after you got married. It’s not just for your partner but for your own peace of mind since it seems you’re really bothered about lying.

    You’ve braved 5 years already so I suppose your relationship is stronger and you’ve both matured. Expect the worst - he might get pissed off; but hope for the best. If he truly loves you, he’ll be able to forgive.

    I’m not sure if you’re into pre-marital counseling but it might also help. You might want to do the ‘confession’ in one of the sessions together with a professional who can guide you and help you process the ordeal. At least you will be on neutral grounds.

  4. #4
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    Your boyfriend is acting as if he owns you and your body: that's not on. Why on earth shouldn't an ex-boyfriend have seen you naked? Your boyfriend sees countless naked women's bodies in the media/porn all the time and he presumably has no problem with that, but he thinks that nobody before him should have seen yours? He's not being rational or realistic. Don't tell him; you'll get a load of aggro and it's not like you can go back and change the past to suit him.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    I agree with Tinydance.

    The lie doesn't concern me as much as why you felt you had to lie. You did nothing wrong in your past relationship which was just that, a past relationship and had no bearing on your current one.

    Your fiance has a problem, that is what concerns me in all this. If he is that insecure and jealous and you are still intent on marrying him then keep this tiny secret to protect his ego.

    I would ask you to take a good hard look at your fiance and be brutally honest with yourself if he is truly the man you want to spend the rest of your life with as he is now. If the answer is yes then you know you went into the marriage with your eyes wide open.

    I am extremely honest and despise lying and cheating but in this case I would consider this one of those lies like when your friend asks if her butt looks big. You should be able to be honest with her but for the sake of her feelings you tell her those vertical stripes are very slimming...

    Lost

  7. #6
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Dont tell him, unless you really dont want to marry him. He sounds irrational enough that he'd cancel the wedding if you tell him.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    How is he now? If you'd come here five years ago with what he said to you, we'd all rightfully call it out as the red flag it was. It's difficult to contextualize it 5 years after the fact. People can and do change for the better in much less time. Do have cause beyond a desire to bring up a needlessly dramatic conversation? Does he exhibit jealous behavior today?

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by SonaRi2013
    but recently, my fiance and I had a conversation where he said again that it would have really bothered him if my ex had seen me naked.
    The fact that this was a recent comment suggests he hasn't matured much since he first made a big deal out of it.

    What the context of this recent conversation?

  10. #9
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    Its not weird that he told you 5 years ago that he had a hard time knowing another man saw you naked, but mentioning it again 5 years later is odd to me. Unless he said it in the context "You are the perfect woman for me, you really get me, and the icing on the cake to me is that I am your first and only." Then that's different. If he stared you down and said "And no other guy saw you naked but me right??" Then that is different.
    Unless the ex is his cousin - someone you see a lot of.

    To me, you told a white lie. A lie lie would be to say "i am a virgin" when you had full intercourse. You were sexually active, just not "all the way" so you didn't tell a huge lie. If you have never told other lies (except lying to him about knowing nothing about a surprise party...) then i might just forget about it.

    Whether you come clean depends -- is this going to be guilt on your heart for years? Coming clean after 3 or 20 years of marriage would be worse.

    I would ask him "i am surprised you are still talking about what if my ex saw me naked. i wonder why its still so important to you after all this time. Would you have dumped me back then if he did?"

  11. #10
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    The fact that this was a recent comment suggests he hasn't matured much since he first made a big deal out of it.

    What the context of this recent conversation?
    Good catch. Agreed.

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