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Thread: I lied about my past relationship years ago to my fiance. Should I come clean?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It's none of his business. Do not mention it again. Trust and privacy/boundaries are two different things. Be careful of someone who is jealous or controlling or injustice-collecting to hold things over your head. Do not get married without premarital counselling.
    Originally Posted by SonaRi2013
    My fiance and I started dating five years ago. We told each other about our past relationships - I was still a virgin but I had cleared the other bases with my ex-boyfriend. This really bothered by current fiance.
    Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He sounds irrational enough that he'd cancel the wedding if you tell him.
    Oh boy, if that's true, then the marriage is already over before it began! That's a really rocky relationship if you have to already walk on eggshells due to him being over the top like this.

    Yes, you should absolutely be able to tell your partner everything, truthfully. If he loves you (in a healthy manner) he will deal with it like an adult and let it go.
    Lies should never be a part of a relationship and certainly not a part of marriage!! If you have to lie in order to calm him enough into marriage, that is a HUGE red flag that this is not the right man for you.

    Also OP, please don't confuse love and control. Your boyfriend getting over the top jealous like this, is not love. It's about control. There isn't a person on earth who is happy about their partner having a past or being with other people. But as grown ups, it's a part of life. Loving someone is accepting all of them, even their mistakes, without judgement and without anger or upset.
    He may be disappointed, sure. But again, this is adulthood, he needs to be a grown man and deal.
    If he expects perfection now or only wants things his way and how he wants it, and can't handle disappointments or things not always perfect...you're gonna have a hell of a marriage. Trust me on that.

    Talk to him, tell him, gauge his reaction. If he can't handle it, he can't handle marriage.
    Last edited by SherrySher; 06-01-2020 at 01:28 PM.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    To me, you told a white lie. A lie lie would be to say "i am a virgin" when you had full intercourse.
    Loads of respect for you abit. But a lie is a lie. I think that's where our society goes wrong is trying to justify smaller lies to bigger ones and making themselves feel better because it's smaller.

    A lie is false information as well as trying to fool someone. It's never okay on any level.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    There is being honest and then there is TMI. It's rather important that you understand the difference between the two. Being in a relationship is not a license to vomit TMI to your partner at will, especially when it comes to discussing past relationships and what you did with your ex or ex's, especially sexually. That is nobody's business except yours and your ex. Children vomit TMI without filters, adults are expected to be more mature. No way should you be discussing or yield to pressure to discuss your sexual past. It's an inappropriate question to be asked and you need to have enough healthy boundaries to refuse to engage in such conversations. Only thing your partner is entitled to know in that regard is that you are not carrying any diseases. That's it. Anything more than that is unhealthy TMI.

    That said, if your partner has serious insecurity and jealousy issues and you find yourself walking on eggshells often in general or about many subjects.....that's a whole other can of worms. If your relationship is truly conditional on your virginity and him being the only one who has seen you naked......there is so much wrong with that I don't even know what to say or where to start. He doesn't sound like he is a fit partner for anyone and has a lot of growing up to do.

    Think long and hard if this is really the person you want to marry and tie your life to...... Just because you spent 5 years with them doesn't mean you need to continue.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Come clean and tell your fiance the truth. If he can't handle your truth after you've expressed your remorse for lying to him, his reaction will determine whether or not you can see yourself having a future with him. If your truth is a deal breaker for him, then his lack of forgiving character should tell you he's not the husband for you.

    A real man forgives especially when there's admittance for wrongdoing, a sincere apology and changes for the better. Then healing and new trust begins. A real man is mature and knows how to conduct himself accordingly even with uncomfortable situations which put him to the test.

    Concentrate on your fiance's character or lack thereof. He shouldn't judge you so harshly especially if you're honest with him. If he becomes belligerent over this, he will make your life miserable in unholy matrimony.

    Only come forward if your conscience weighs heavy regarding lying to your fiance. If marrying him anyway, lies and all is more important than apologizing for lying, then remain silent. If you are comfortable looking at yourself in the mirror despite lying, that's all on you.

    I think it's a red flag in the first place that your fiance is so preoccupied with your past which is none of his business. If I were you, I wouldn't marry him because if he's this difficult and complicated now, he'll make your marriage hell eventually. He is not a sound, reasonable man which is alarming. Heed your warnings and never ignore them because your gut instincts and intuition are always right on the mark.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I don't think its any if his business. it was before you got together. that's not fair.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    I never tell anyone about my past partners & I dont want to know about theirs.
    What happened is personal, and is between yourself & the other party.
    This guy sounds very jealous & controlling.
    I wouldnt tell him anymore about your past.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Tell him the truth and be glad.

    If he freaks out you will see his true colours - abracadabra!

    What a show.

    Watch him disappear. It will be worth it and you will walk away having dodged a bullet.

    Yes, it was wrong to lie and it is also not right to start your life with someone based on a lie. He also appears quite peculiar and controlling about your body (these are warning signs for possessiveness and emotional/psychological abuse down the line). That level of paranoia and aversion is not normal.

    I'd have a serious think about whether this person is someone you want in your life forever.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    What kind of problems would I anticipate from someone who'd position me to 'protect' him with my underpants?

    This makes no sense. I call bogus.

  11. #20
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    As someone has mentioned already I would tell the truth, but not because he has a right to know. Because he needs to learn to be able to deal with his obvious insecurities and retrospective jealousy. If he can't then moving forward in to marriage will be very difficult for a number of reasons. When he knows the truth let him have his scream and shout when he's done tell him if you want to move forward that's the last time your prepared to talk about it. If it wants to dig it up again he needs to talk to a therapist about it as it's his problem and he shouldn't be making it yours.
    This is not a unique thing as many people are jealous and insecure about their partners past. Men can especially be affected by it because they want to be your best lover, they will measure and compare themselves to your previous partners. They judge you on how many men you've slept with and will continue search for answers. Often when they get the truth it plays on their mind and sours a relationship because of their insecurity.
    Think carefully about how you want your life to be and don't enter a union with someone that will using your past against you.

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