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Thread: Break up help

  1. #1
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    Break up help

    Hi all,

    Just in need of a little help I will keep it brief,

    12 year relationship ended, 7 months on I'm with a lovely new girl, the problem is I'm finding it difficult to do things with this girl that I did with my Ex , for example...

    Watching tv shows I used to watch,
    The idea of going on holiday,
    Eating in the same restaurants,
    Family gatherings etc

    Just keeps bringing memories up!

    I'm not used to being out of a long term relationship so just wondering if anyone had been in a similar situation and what seemed to help you?

    Thanks in advance

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Has she been in a long term relationship before?

    When I met my husband he ended a 13 year marriage and I also ended a long term relationship. We were able to laugh about it later because we both had the same thoughts/fears. Ie. what if your new partner wears the same cologne or perfume? What if it's too painful to go back to a certain place that used to hold a lot of meaning at one time?

    What worked was being understanding and open about it (not overexplaining or giving too many details) but gently offering new alternatives and places to go, things to do: exploring new experiences with your new partner. Go slow with your new relationship and be open with each other. The idea is to be open to spending your life together but also accepting each others' pasts. It is possible to go back to the same restaurants later but don't rush it. Explore other restaurants, go to new vacation spots, resist the pressure to introduce each other or bring each other to family gatherings all the time. This is still very new. Keep it comfortable and lighthearted, honest without TMI.

    Above all, be understanding towards each other. I think a little of that goes a long, long way.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do different things with her. She is not a cheap filler carbon copy but an individual you need to learn about, so let her pick some places, gatherings, movies, food, etc and get out of that 12 yr rut. Part of it is of course that the ex is just flooding your mind too much.

    My advice about this remains the same: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by keepthefaith
    12 year relationship ended, 7 months on I'm with a lovely new girl, the problem is I'm finding it difficult to do things with this girl that I did with my Ex , for example...

    Watching tv shows I used to watch,
    The idea of going on holiday,
    Eating in the same restaurants,
    Family gatherings etc

  4. #4
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    You just create new memories and new experiences. Even if itís with the same places you travel before.

    If you canít do that youíre not ready to be dating anyone right now.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You received so many excellent replies to this same question about 5 weeks ago. So you've accepted none of those suggestions? Let the poor new girl go, since your foot is so fully stuck in the back door that you are unable to open the front door to new possibilities. If she knew what was going on in your mind, do you really think she'd stick around? i.e., "I have to avoid taking Suzy to the summer family picnic because that's where I took my ex last year." "I can't watch Young Sheldon with Suzy because my ex and I snuggled on the couch watching it together last autumn."

    You're the one responsible for keeping yourself in a self-sabotaging limbo. You must be a masochist. Reminds me of those self-flagellating zealots who lashed themselves, whipping their own backs.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    They are chapters in your life. They belong to you, not the former "us". No need to think in terms of 'our movie", "our places", "our rituals", etc. Think in terms of my life not our life.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Ya why are you going to the same restaurants and doing the same things? Get out and do different things, and go to different places...make some new memories.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    You received so many excellent replies to this same question about 5 weeks ago. So you've accepted none of those suggestions? Let the poor new girl go, since your foot is so fully stuck in the back door that you are unable to open the front door to new possibilities. If she knew what was going on in your mind, do you really think she'd stick around? i.e., "I have to avoid taking Suzy to the summer family picnic because that's where I took my ex last year." "I can't watch Young Sheldon with Suzy because my ex and I snuggled on the couch watching it together last autumn."

    You're the one responsible for keeping yourself in a self-sabotaging limbo. You must be a masochist. Reminds me of those self-flagellating zealots who lashed themselves, whipping their own backs.
    This is spot on. You are in a rebound relationship. You have not been alone long enough to have your own things. All your things are attached to your ex.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Sounds like you haven't healed from the last relationship and this new girl is paying the price.

    You are in it now so there is now going back. You have received great advice to follow it even if it doesn't feel right at the moment. 12 years is a long time so it will take some time to feel comfortable in this new relationship.

    Lost

  11. #10
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    Well if everything you do with this girl reminds you of your ex, does it maybe mean you're not over the ex? What do you mean you're doing exactly the same things? Can you elaborate? Do you have to go to these places because you live in a small town? Because just doing things like going to the movies or chain restaurants isn't exactly the same things. Also it's not really "watching the same TV show" if it's a really popular TV show that everyone likes to watch. E.g. "Game of Thrones".

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