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Thread: I messaged my ex back, did this disempower me?

  1. #41
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You're confusing petty and immature with self care and giving yourself a better ability to heal. It would be tough for anyone to heal properly with looking at your ex's FB, at least it would be for most people.

    Do what's best for YOU, don't worry what anyone else thinks. They can worry about themselves and their own lives.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Any therapist aware of the abuse who suggests you stay connected and supports keeping him in the loop is incompetent.

  3. #43
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    Since you created another thread on the same matter that has since been closed by admin , I assume you didnít get the answers you want to hear on this thread . And therefore seeking them on another.

    However you received appropriated answers here.

    You are sounding increasingly like you only left him on an empty threat. But what you really wanted is for him to fight for you. Which he hasnít.
    You had a glimmer of hope for reconciliation when he messaged you and said he missed you. But as I said earlier , missing someone is normal after a couple of years but it does not mean they want to go back to the situation. They will miss, eventually not miss as they progress.

    He likely was being honest saying he missed you. You replied the same. But he knows as well as you know that the relationship is over.
    Time to move on , no need for further direct contact.

    As for FB, he hasnít deleted you yet which could be for many reasons.
    One could be that it simply doesnít bother him to see your posts.

    However since you have unfollowed him , clearly you seeing his does bother you.
    Whatís the problem?

    You are adamant you are not interested in him anymore , not going to entertain the notion of gettting back with him, donít want to be friends with him etc.
    I sense what actually is bothering you is that he feels the same? Or at least the same as what you are pretending to feel?

    He is busy on tinder. He is not going to message you anytime soon .
    You are worried that your tactic of unfriending him might backfire on you . Because itís a game play?
    You want to provoke him into contacting you.
    And thatís the reason for your concern as coming across as petty , because your intentions to unfriend are petty.

    ???

    Perhaps leave it a few weeks of him not contacting you and then unfriend him for genuine reasons when you realise he is not coming back or fighting for you?

    Good luck!!

  4. #44
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    I didn't realize you were the OP who posted a while ago asking if your relationship was abusive. Kudos to you for taking actions and ending the relationship - but know that the weeks following the breakup can be the hardest. Second guessing is very common even if you have all the right reasons to end the relationship. It is also common to tell yourself "I'm so done" while secretly, even subconsciously harboring the thought "if only he could do this or that..." the relationship could have worked. Distract yourself with work, hobbies, friends and don't fall back into the trap of over analyzing and obsessing with every single thing he says or does. Know what's the most empowering thing you can do? Moving on with your life regardless of how he lives his. Don't backpedal.

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  6. #45
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    Since you created another thread on the same matter that has since been closed by admin , I assume you didnít get the answers you want to hear on this thread . And therefore seeking them on another.

    However you received appropriated answers here.

    You are sounding increasingly like you only left him on an empty threat. But what you really wanted is for him to fight for you. Which he hasnít.
    You had a glimmer of hope for reconciliation when he messaged you and said he missed you. But as I said earlier , missing someone is normal after a couple of years but it does not mean they want to go back to the situation. They will miss, eventually not miss as they progress.

    He likely was being honest saying he missed you. You replied the same. But he knows as well as you know that the relationship is over.
    Time to move on , no need for further direct contact.

    As for FB, he hasnít deleted you yet which could be for many reasons.
    One could be that it simply doesnít bother him to see your posts.

    However since you have unfollowed him , clearly you seeing his does bother you.
    Whatís the problem?

    You are adamant you are not interested in him anymore , not going to entertain the notion of gettting back with him, donít want to be friends with him etc.
    I sense what actually is bothering you is that he feels the same? Or at least the same as what you are pretending to feel?

    He is busy on tinder. He is not going to message you anytime soon .
    You are worried that your tactic of unfriending him might backfire on you . Because itís a game play?
    You want to provoke him into contacting you.
    And thatís the reason for your concern as coming across as petty , because your intentions to unfriend are petty.

    ???

    Perhaps leave it a few weeks of him not contacting you and then unfriend him for genuine reasons when you realise he is not coming back or fighting for you?

    Good luck!!
    Actually none of what you said is accurate about me having the notion of wanting to provoke him into contacting me. I donít want him to contact me, why would I? I am done with him and him not contacting me makes it a lot easier for my healing process.

    I never had a glimmer of hope of reconciliation either, I would never get back with him.

    Remembering how badly he treated me, I still canít believe I stayed in that relationship as long as I did and was in denial of the signs of the manipulation and abuse he was putting me through.

    No me deleting him is not from a petty place or game play. Itís because I have closed that chapter and I having an ex on my FB who I know is currently already on Tinder was just making me feel sick.

    I have since deleted him off Facebook.

  7. #46
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    Originally Posted by SophiaG
    I didn't realize you were the OP who posted a while ago asking if your relationship was abusive. Kudos to you for taking actions and ending the relationship - but know that the weeks following the breakup can be the hardest. Second guessing is very common even if you have all the right reasons to end the relationship. It is also common to tell yourself "I'm so done" while secretly, even subconsciously harboring the thought "if only he could do this or that..." the relationship could have worked. Distract yourself with work, hobbies, friends and don't fall back into the trap of over analyzing and obsessing with every single thing he says or does. Know what's the most empowering thing you can do? Moving on with your life regardless of how he lives his. Don't backpedal.
    Thanks! I finally mustered up the courage to delete him off my Facebook, and it feels so good.

    I still have a bad aftertaste of my last message I replied to him a few days ago, saying I missed him too and hope he was doing well too.. how he read it and didnít reply, I hope that is because he perceived my reply as me being actually done albeit a kind message.. in no way was I implying I wanted him back.. surely he would of picked up on that from my reply??

    Iím remunerating that message I sent, all because I feel it made me look silly how I sent such a nice message.. but I was only trying to be polite.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    That's terrific that you deleted him. What a great, positive step!

  9. #48
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    No worries Roadtoheal, not everyone understands. No need to explain yourself to those being rude.

    You did the right thing in deleting him. It's hard, but breakups usually are. Deleting him wasn't to hurt him, it was to help you heal and I hope you continue to.

    Sending good thoughts.

  10. #49
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    I think your text was actually ego based the more I read thus thread.

    You empowered yourself the moment you ended the relationship and moved out.

    You sent the text hoping to get a response, I think deep down you wanted him to ask for another chance. I don't think you would have given him another chance you just wanted him to ask/beg or perhaps just apologise for his perceived bad behaviour. When he didn't do any of this it hurt you.

    Your text did not leave any door open but he closed the door on you himself in a way with his silence and that's what hurts the ego.

    Block, delete and move on. All ties are severed as you wished for. You should be happy he's respecting your wishes and upholding radio silence. It's not immature to unfriend/block/delet etc. It's very mature in fact.

  11. #50
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    Originally Posted by ninjabib
    I think your text was actually ego based the more I read thus thread.

    You empowered yourself the moment you ended the relationship and moved out.

    You sent the text hoping to get a response, I think deep down you wanted him to ask for another chance. I don't think you would have given him another chance you just wanted him to ask/beg or perhaps just apologise for his perceived bad behaviour. When he didn't do any of this it hurt you.

    Your text did not leave any door open but he closed the door on you himself in a way with his silence and that's what hurts the ego.

    Block, delete and move on. All ties are severed as you wished for. You should be happy he's respecting your wishes and upholding radio silence. It's not immature to unfriend/block/delet etc. It's very mature in fact.
    Not at all. My intention of sending that message was to be kind, but at the same time not put out any signals that I wanted him back or regretted my decision. I know I made the best decision leaving an emotional narcissistic abuser, who put me through way too much crap. It just took me that long to finally see the false mask come off, and to know it was all an illusion.

    I didnít want to be mean or petty so I send a kind message. Being mean wouldnít have sit well with me. In no way did I want to get back together with him, and I never will!

    If anything I am annoyed about sending such a kind message when he didnít even deserve that. Iím annoyed I gave him the satisfaction of telling him I missed him too, and ended the message with ďhope youíre doing well too.Ē

    At the end of the day holding on to anger and being petty because of it wouldnít have served me any good. Hence why I decided to send a kind message.

    Do you not agree with saying ďhope youíre doing well tooĒ was me shutting down the conversation, and saying I am actually done with you.

    That is my interpretation as to why he didnít respond. Why would he reply when Iíve sent a message implying that I donít want to continue talking.

    Iím glad he didnít reply. I am glad he is out of my life.

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