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Thread: Letting Go....

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Letting Go....

    Hi guys. Hope everyone is doing well. Having some coffee this Saturday morning and just feeling the weight of the world or maybe just the weight of my choices and life... Needing to vent and if you have any new perspective or advice, it's welcome.

    A few years ago, I had my tarot cards read. Not sure if anything came as the reader predicted... But one thing she said that stuck out was, "my life getting smaller." Which at the time I was like, wow! Smaller? I already had a small group of friends, I live in a modest place, I don't have a lot of family... I was single then and I am now. A lot of this is by choice.

    Over the years, getting on from college and young adulthood, I lost interest in what a lot of people are into. mainly, partying and meaningless interactions and drama. I prefer more meaningful interactions, intellectual pursuits, peace and positivity. I don't like crowds or a lot of hassle. I like to be outside, at home, in a pretty restaurant or traveling. All in all, I am generally happy with a good book or a good friend. Because of this more quiet lifestyle, I have lost touch with some friends.

    I think we all lose touch or move on at times. That's life. And I am willing to sacrifice quantity for quality. It does hurt though to outgrow people. And I've come to realize that is what is happening again. I have a long time friend that just so self centered and so needy. It feels like, my participation isn't even required. Lol. As long as I don't rock the boat or mention any of the ways I am slighted, all is fine. If I mention a problem, there will be an exchange of words. They will apologize, but never really hear what I am saying and there is no change.

    This pandemic has been hard on everyone and it has definitely highlighted some cracks in my own life. I regret this friendship. I should have ended it a long time ago. I see now how draining this has all been and how it has held me back. And them. They refuse to grow. And here we go again, I'm being suffocated by this person. Everything is about them. I'm not even in there with them.

    I have pulled back and didn't say anything.... I don't want to fight. I could be happy with just more boundaries. But this person doesn't have boundaries, only for their own purposes. Their marriage and such for example. But me? My life? "They are my best friend, why didn't I tell them whatever it is...."

    Yesterday, they asked me if everything was ok. I said (paraphrased) I didn't feel like they weren't treating me right. They said since they're so bad, they wonder why I want to be their friend. Have a good day. (Also paraphrased)

    Well, touché, right? They didn't ask why I said that. They dismissed what I said and that's pretty much the crux of the problem.

    I didn't respond.... Later in the day they apologized and wished me a nice weekend.

    ? I didn't respond and I have not figured out when I will....

    It kills me though. I once wondered how could my life get smaller? Well, now I know. If people don't treat you right, are you just destined be alone or just feel alone while with other people...

    I just don't know anymore....

  2. #2
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    I'm sorry you're feeling so negative. A few quality people/friends/loved ones can make life a lot bigger not smaller. Why measure it by the number of friends or acquaintances? I don't relate to all the desperation in my moms groups for 'mom friends"-and the truth is -when I've reached out to some of these people they are soooo delighted -until they have to put in the effort to actually meet -then it's poof. MIA. And no it's not me at all -it's simply not wanting to do the effort and work that developing a friendship requires. I also stopped connecting people -I know tons of people. I network a lot. I love connecting people but now I limit myself - only if the person is a good friend OR it benefits me to do the connection for my own networking. That way I don't get as frustrated when I email or call someone on someone else's behalf, then share the connection -and never hear from the person again. And I am fairly certain that is the same person who later will claim she has such a hard time finding resources/getting a job, etc - I have to check myself sometimes with this need to "help" because of the frustration that results.

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way!! I had my tarot cards read in the summer of 1994. I was told I'd meet my husband spring of 1995. Well I actually met him in fall of 1994 and our first date was summer 1995. Hmmmmmm (but we didn't marry till 2008).

    I hope today is better.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    thank B!

    I do agree with you. Some people do waste our time and it's not worth it. I didn't mean to say it's the number of friends... i don't know what I mean... Lol. It's like I'm always posting advice about not settling and you'll find better... Am I full of crap?sure most the time it's romantic advice... But it is true of friends, too. Guess I'm just down and feeling alone.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Feeling for you. Big hugs.

    I'll muse on some of the larger concepts for a moment before delving into the micro. Best I can see, the experience of living is a cycle of our worlds (interior and exterior) expanding and contracting. Zoom out a bit, and those two opposites are kind of become the same thing, which is the brain explosion emoji we conduct the business of living inside.

    At 17, for instance, I was deciding on where I wanted to go to school, which came down to California, Connecticut, or New York City—a moment of expansion. I chose New York City—contraction. Once there, of course, there was expansion galore: meeting people, learning the city, discovering a zillion or so new corners of the eternal mystery that is me. It meant "letting go" of a big idea of mine—California!—but lo and behold here I am writing you from...California, having "let go" of New York seven years ago and meandered here through an extended stay in the South. Expand, contract, expand, contract...

    To your friend? Maybe it is as simple as recognizing, in part under the surgical lights of the pandemic, that this is something that you've long needed to "let go" of. And that's okay, if always painful. Hugs. But maybe it's a version of "letting go" this is also a reset—or a time to contract a bit to make room for new expanding. What that looks like? That's the unknowable part. A new connection out there on the horizon, or a new connection with him/her at a later date, or...

    My personal belief in people is that all of them, all the time, treat us exactly as "right" as they are capable of. We get people's best, always. One person's "best," of course, may fall far short of our needs or, at a point, stop serving our needs as we expand on the interior—as our own sense of our "best" changes shape, and no longer meets theirs. Not sure if that resonates at all, but I guess it goes back to the idea of expanding and contracting—a.k.a evolving, which is constant. Since we are always changing shape—slightly, extremely, depending on the day—it's inevitable that the puzzle pieces of our lives change as well, with some pieces/people no longer fitting as they once did.

    But, of course, that's a lot of fancy talk to say: big hugs to you.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Thanks Blue!

    You make good points. And help me remember it's a journey. one door closes, anther opens, or it opens again. So true about people doing their best... It's hard to always see that. You know, we all make mistakes and we do the best with what we got....

    I guess at the end of the day, I have to look at my own life and do the things I think are best for me. And while I blame this person for being less than what I need in a friend... That's not really the point. They're sorry. Ok I can forgive and all that... No need to be mad and I'm not. But we're kind of at cross roads here and it's like how does a person become less self centered? That's not me to address.

    Thanks for reminding me of the ebb and flow of life.... Maybe it's this pandemic. Feeling like nothing will change. Like this is how I'm destined to be for the next, "however many years this old gal got. " Hahaha

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    My world is way too big right now on Facebook -so many concerning and dramatic posts about the looting and violence and protests. So many high emotions. I don't see it as a helpful format on which to express opinions or emotions especially in this situation. I want my world to be big as far as contributing and smaller as far as less of this venting and agitating - without action or trying to come together to take necessary actions.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    A few quality people/friends/loved ones can make life a lot bigger not smaller.
    I think this is a great point.

    And to go further along this same line of thinking: It sounds like this friend of yours was actually making your life smaller with the guilt and the slights.

    You actually even described this relationship as suffocating. Do you realize that? I mean, suffocation has got to be the ultimate manifestation of too small.

    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I'm being suffocated by this person.
    From what you describe, there is literally no room for you in this friendship.

    Originally Posted by Lambert
    It feels like, my participation isn't even required.
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I'm not even in there with them.
    Sometimes a cage can feel like a safe place. It can feel so safe, in fact, that you don't even recognize that you're in a cage.

    There's a story circulating around on the web about a tiger named Mohini, who was presented as a gift to President Eisenhower.

    I am not sure of how much is actually true, but the story seems pretty plausible--it's definitely relatable--and to me it seems like a representation of the situation you're facing.

    Here's one version:

    For years, Mohini lived in the Washington Zoo and spent her days pacing back and forth in a 12-by-12 foot cage. Finally the zoo decided to build her a larger cage so Mohini could run, climb and explore. But when Mohini arrived at her new home, she didn’t rush out, eagerly adapting to her new habitat. Rather, she marked off a 12-by-12 foot square for herself, and paced there until her death, never enjoying the new opportunities in front of her. Mohini exemplifies the classic conditioning most of us live within. Although she was a magnificent, powerful creature, Mohini was convinced her “place” was just a 12-by-12 foot square. We all have the propensity to behave exactly like Mohini. Based on our conditioning, we create invisible cages for ourselves, limiting our lives within their boundaries. But we don’t have to succumb to our internal imprisonment.

    [Register to see the link]
    I think you may be stepping out of a cage. Your world is getting bigger, not smaller. That can be overwhelming and disorienting.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    I was wondering how living alone or having few friends make life smaller
    does a movie star or lead singer of a famous rock band who has so many admirers friends followers around the world lead a larger life going by math. But why do few of them end up dying with overdoze of stuff and suffer from all kinda psychological issues.
    growing through the years we end up with a handful of friends only.
    Even relationships fade away, few remain.We grow we learn sometimes life tests our resilience our learnings through its ups and downs, all a test, this pandemic is one such test.
    Some people dont need to be part of our journey, yes we love them but they dont really help us grow in our life, they dont care much, but do they define us who we are, we are who we are what we learn the knowledge we get through all these experiences, nothing can change that. These are all that we have in the end, we are alone with these learnings and experiences so maybe this is what that makes it smaller. Am alone at home today for last 2 months, looking back at a life that has many downs than ups but whatever i achieved my home car taking care of my mom my engg degree all working hard with my own money but this space is mine all the decisions of leaving some people in life are all mine. Not living a larger life but isnt this enough it is i feel, this is what we choose this is what defines us even if it is smaller or larger it is what is.
    Just think we need to be grateful for the people and the experiences and life in general, a pandemic today or tomorrow will not take that away from us.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I hear you on the social media. That's I am not on it. I appreciate what you mean... What's the value in posting, if your everyday life doesn't contribute to a more just and understanding world.

    Thinking of life in terms of big or small... It is interesting. And not my own words... It was from that tarot card reader. Maybe smaller leads people to think less but, there is another side to that coin... Good things come in small packages.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    I think this is a great point.

    And to go further along this same line of thinking: It sounds like this friend of yours was actually making your life smaller with the guilt and the slights.

    You actually even described this relationship as suffocating. Do you realize that? I mean, suffocation has got to be the ultimate manifestation of too small.



    From what you describe, there is literally no room for you in this friendship.





    Sometimes a cage can feel like a safe place. It can feel so safe, in fact, that you don't even recognize that you're in a cage.

    There's a story circulating around on the web about a tiger named Mohini, who was presented as a gift to President Eisenhower.

    I am not sure of how much is actually true, but the story seems pretty plausible--it's definitely relatable--and to me it seems like a representation of the situation you're facing.

    Here's one version:



    I think you may be stepping out of a cage. Your world is getting bigger, not smaller. That can be overwhelming and disorienting.
    Thanks, Jibs! I know... I picked those words because they express my dire need to stop being in this situation... And my acknowledgement of how I actually feel.

    I know this friend would be very upset to know these terms I am using. And the disturbing part is, they would focus on how someone saying those words about them makes THEM feel. Not, the OMG what do you mean? How can I rectify the situation.

    Maybe I am coming out of a cage. Maybe I am realizing the friendship was defining me in a way I don't want anymore. I've been in someone else's shadow, a tambourine player to someone else's band if you will.... Haha

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