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Thread: Letting Go....

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Thanks, B.

    This is an excellent point and I have been guilty of this for sure!
    And me, too. Expectations are killers. But part of the human condition.

  2. #32
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    "And if people don't see a problem within themselves, it is not my place to fix them" Spot on!!!


    "Maybe they think I'm being controlling and mean. I imagine that is the case and that's fine. I am. haha." Total gas lighting on their part!

    Do you have mutual friends?

  3. #33
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    "And if people don't see a problem within themselves, it is not my place to fix them" Spot on!!!


    "Maybe they think I'm being controlling and mean. I imagine that is the case and that's fine. I am. haha." Total gas lighting on their part!

    Do you have mutual friends?
    We did. which probably sounds like it says a lot. but most of them moved from the area.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm in a similar boat, Lambert.

    I think it's better to be alone or have only a few people in your life than be with people who disrespect you and don't make you happy.

    In the past, I've had a lot of people in my life whether it was acquaintances, friends, closer ties with my siblings, relatives and in-laws. Believe me, a lot of people in your life is way overrated because a lot of people in your life means less time for yourself and what you want to do. The older I get, the more I crave my independence and alone time.

    My sister has over a thousand FB "friends." She's narcissistic and always wants to be the center of attention. You have to play along with her little game, play nice and be incredibly superficial just like my mother. Fortunately, my brother is more humble. Those two women can get awfully catty, gaslight me to death and it's all downhill from there. After decades of high drama with them, I finally hopped off the merry-go-round (carousel).

    My cousin had issues, too because she married a jerk which impacted my abnormal relationship with her despite a very happy childhood friendship.

    What I'm trying to tell you is, so many people are different which is beyond your control. There are only two groups of people on this earth: compatible types and those who are not. You either accept them warts and all even though you don't agree with their behavior and at the expense of your soul or you make your conscious decision by making your exit. In other cases, if they're unavoidable such as in my case, the only thing that works is enforcing healthy boundaries with them.

    As for your friend, since boundaries don't work, you're going to have to let her go such as estrangement. Text her this: "I respect that we're incompatible, I wish you all the best and it's time to go our separate ways. Thank you." I've written that text or email and this does several things. You are adamant, gracious, gentle yet firm. There is a well mannered, polite, respectful way to release yourself from relationships that will not work. After you fire off your text, message or email, you have every right to ignore and eventually block and delete them. If they come back to you with wanting relentless explanations, you are under no obligation whatsoever to explain until you're blue in the face. People have to accept your final decision whether they like it or not. Remain steadfast and unwavering with your convictions.

    Friendships require work. In order for friendships to endure, you must cultivate, nurture and maintain friendships. It comes with the territory. It's easy to get lazy and not put in the work. It's part of the delicate dance. I only have a few close friends and only ONE BFF from when we were 9 years old. She was my childhood friend, maid-of-honor, I confide in her all the time, both of our sons (4 sons) are the same age and we've always been close. Sometimes our husbands join in and we go out to dinner together. She is the sister I never had.

    Everyone is different. You prefer a more quiet lifestyle and I respect that. I prefer a happy medium. I need my BFF in particular and I enjoy my home life as well.

    Even though you're more introverted, please be careful. Excessive isolation and loneliness isn't healthy either. Humans are tribal by nature and it's mentally healthier to have some close friends in your life. You don't want to live like a hermit crab.

    I wish you well, Lambert.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Lambert: A word. Steer clear of neurotics. and there are a lot of them around. Friendship with stable, steady types is far more rewarding. I assure you.

    Neuroticism, one of the Big 5 personality traits, is typically defined as a tendency toward anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and other negative feelings. ... In the context of the Big 5, neuroticism is sometimes described as low emotional stability or negative emotionality.

    People with neuroticism tend to have more depressed moods and suffer from feelings of guilt, envy, anger, and anxiety more frequently and more severely than other individuals

  7. #36
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I'm in a similar boat, Lambert.

    I think it's better to be alone or have only a few people in your life than be with people who disrespect you and don't make you happy.

    In the past, I've had a lot of people in my life whether it was acquaintances, friends, closer ties with my siblings, relatives and in-laws. Believe me, a lot of people in your life is way overrated because a lot of people in your life means less time for yourself and what you want to do. The older I get, the more I crave my independence and alone time.

    My sister has over a thousand FB "friends." She's narcissistic and always wants to be the center of attention. You have to play along with her little game, play nice and be incredibly superficial just like my mother. Fortunately, my brother is more humble. Those two women can get awfully catty, gaslight me to death and it's all downhill from there. After decades of high drama with them, I finally hopped off the merry-go-round (carousel).

    My cousin had issues, too because she married a jerk which impacted my abnormal relationship with her despite a very happy childhood friendship.

    What I'm trying to tell you is, so many people are different which is beyond your control. There are only two groups of people on this earth: compatible types and those who are not. You either accept them warts and all even though you don't agree with their behavior and at the expense of your soul or you make your conscious decision by making your exit. In other cases, if they're unavoidable such as in my case, the only thing that works is enforcing healthy boundaries with them.

    As for your friend, since boundaries don't work, you're going to have to let her go such as estrangement. Text her this: "I respect that we're incompatible, I wish you all the best and it's time to go our separate ways. Thank you." I've written that text or email and this does several things. You are adamant, gracious, gentle yet firm. There is a well mannered, polite, respectful way to release yourself from relationships that will not work. After you fire off your text, message or email, you have every right to ignore and eventually block and delete them. If they come back to you with wanting relentless explanations, you are under no obligation whatsoever to explain until you're blue in the face. People have to accept your final decision whether they like it or not. Remain steadfast and unwavering with your convictions.

    Friendships require work. In order for friendships to endure, you must cultivate, nurture and maintain friendships. It comes with the territory. It's easy to get lazy and not put in the work. It's part of the delicate dance. I only have a few close friends and only ONE BFF from when we were 9 years old. She was my childhood friend, maid-of-honor, I confide in her all the time, both of our sons (4 sons) are the same age and we've always been close. Sometimes our husbands join in and we go out to dinner together. She is the sister I never had.

    Everyone is different. You prefer a more quiet lifestyle and I respect that. I prefer a happy medium. I need my BFF in particular and I enjoy my home life as well.

    Even though you're more introverted, please be careful. Excessive isolation and loneliness isn't healthy either. Humans are tribal by nature and it's mentally healthier to have some close friends in your life. You don't want to live like a hermit crab.

    I wish you well, Lambert.
    Thanks cherylyn!

    I do recognize that it would no problem, in some respects, to become a total hermit. Lol! And I do enjoy quiet time, but I'm an outgoing introvert, which is a weird dynamic. So I often do find myself the center of attention & the ring leader. But I have been this way my entire life and I don't really seek those roles anymore.

    I am funny, social, warm and inclusive to others. But most of the time, I'm talking to them about them... And this is how I get into these lopsided friendships. I used to say I collected wounded birds. I never was trying to fix them. I just was being me and giving people the attention and compassion I think all people need. I took that man mirror song to heart. Lol.

    I am a happy person. I do care about others. But I learned to set the wounded birds free. I think I would go out more, if it weren't a pandemic. I used to travel a lot. I have a serious career that I love. It's challenging & rewarding, cerebral and helping others. I feel a great sense of pride for what I've built my life to be. I go out to dinner or drinks with others or by myself. I do need a boyfriend and God willing, there's one on the other side of this. Lol but as anyone reading these forums knows, it's a jungle out there! Pray for me... All of you😂❤️❤️❤️

  8. #37
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Lambert: A word. Steer clear of neurotics. and there are a lot of them around. Friendship with stable, steady types is far more rewarding. I assure you.

    Neuroticism, one of the Big 5 personality traits, is typically defined as a tendency toward anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and other negative feelings. ... In the context of the Big 5, neuroticism is sometimes described as low emotional stability or negative emotionality.

    People with neuroticism tend to have more depressed moods and suffer from feelings of guilt, envy, anger, and anxiety more frequently and more severely than other individuals
    LaHermes! I read a brief description of this personality and it makes sense. I think I always knew this person was this way, but I did not anticipate how it'd morph into something that effects me so negatively. It's just drained me to a point of idk what.

    I always went back to, well this is a good person. But now, I'm not so sure. And this would kill them... there are plenty of people who don't break laws or commandments, but are they good? That's a pretty broad term. Would they attack or harm me intentionally? No way. But there are other traits that are clearly not good.

    And that, my friend, has been the struggle... With friends, romantic partners, family.... People that generally feed off of the kindness, understanding, attention and strength I have. People can't step up, but they know I will. People will take advantage but know I will forgive and forget; because at the end of the day, I feel we are all flawed, make mistakes, etc.

    However, over the, probably last 2+ years, I have been growing and changing at such a rate... I just am not having it anymore. And I'm finding more peace being alone, as cherylyn cautioned, I hope I don't become a hermit. Because that won't lead to happiness either....

    But I'm going on faith, that I'm just coming into who I am and what I'm about to be. And the universe won't let me down. Let's hope!❤️❤️ My tribe will find me!

  9. #38
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Thanks cherylyn!

    I do recognize that it would no problem, in some respects, to become a total hermit. Lol! And I do enjoy quiet time, but I'm an outgoing introvert, which is a weird dynamic. So I often do find myself the center of attention & the ring leader. But I have been this way my entire life and I don't really seek those roles anymore.

    I am funny, social, warm and inclusive to others. But most of the time, I'm talking to them about them... And this is how I get into these lopsided friendships. I used to say I collected wounded birds. I never was trying to fix them. I just was being me and giving people the attention and compassion I think all people need. I took that man mirror song to heart. Lol.

    I am a happy person. I do care about others. But I learned to set the wounded birds free. I think I would go out more, if it weren't a pandemic. I used to travel a lot. I have a serious career that I love. It's challenging & rewarding, cerebral and helping others. I feel a great sense of pride for what I've built my life to be. I go out to dinner or drinks with others or by myself. I do need a boyfriend and God willing, there's one on the other side of this. Lol but as anyone reading these forums knows, it's a jungle out there! Pray for me... All of you😂❤️❤️❤️
    If you enjoy being a hermit, to each his / her own.

    I was once you. I too collected wounded birds, waifs, always wanted and needed to be in hero mode and fix other people's lives. I've tried so hard to help them. Even though you never tried to fix them, I tried to make their lives better and I simply don't do that anymore. I've got my own troubles to attend to and I'm too tired to care anymore. Nowadays, I'm more realistic. I let people live their own lives. I'm compassionate towards other people's plights, pray for them from afar and it's all I'm willing to do. I need to concentrate on my own life, family, well being and household. Realistically everyone is very busy with their own lives.

    As for your friend, never be afraid to let go of them if they don't make you happy and sound. Normal friendships should be respectful, kind, calm and joyous with healthy boundaries. Any other way is not a friendship and it's time to part ways.

    There is a boyfriend out there for you. Be very picky and choosy. You'd better shop around. Prayers for you!

  10. #39
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    There is a difference between parasitism and symbiosis. The universe created both, but don't choose tapeworms as friends.

  11. #40
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    If you enjoy being a hermit, to each his / her own.

    I was once you. I too collected wounded birds, waifs, always wanted and needed to be in hero mode and fix other people's lives. I've tried so hard to help them. Even though you never tried to fix them, I tried to make their lives better and I simply don't do that anymore. I've got my own troubles to attend to and I'm too tired to care anymore. Nowadays, I'm more realistic. I let people live their own lives. I'm compassionate towards other people's plights, pray for them from afar and it's all I'm willing to do. I need to concentrate on my own life, family, well being and household. Realistically everyone is very busy with their own lives.

    As for your friend, never be afraid to let go of them if they don't make you happy and sound. Normal friendships should be respectful, kind, calm and joyous with healthy boundaries. Any other way is not a friendship and it's time to part ways.

    There is a boyfriend out there for you. Be very picky and choosy. You'd better shop around. Prayers for you!
    Thanks Cherylyn!

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