Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 47

Thread: Letting Go....

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,698
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    That doesn't sound like a good friend or a good listener. It's ok to let go. There may also be periods in time where people drift to sort things in their own lives. I've never been a big believer of being joined at the hip to friends. Learning to give each other a healthy distance is important to me. I'm poor with daily and weekly updates not for lack of caring but due to not much to report back, quite frankly, and my family keeps me busy and on my toes. There's a time and place for everything. Good friendships know when to ease off and give each other space.

    Try not to take the 'your life will get smaller' comment to heart. It's a negative comment overall and bound to make anyone think or reflect negatively on themselves, wondering what they could possibly do to deserve a comment like that. Maybe the tarot reader's third eye was slowly growing cataracts and her overall view was getting smaller?

    Feel better soon.
    Thank you, Rose... I greatly appreciate your comment to disregard the tarot reader's comment. I don't know why I latched on to that... Not much else she said was true or came to be either. So yeah, you're right... I am doing what's right for me. And I also agree with healthy distance. I don't know how this one friendship got into this bad boundary zone. Maybe due to the length of the friendship.... But at the very least some change and space is needed.
    Last edited by Lambert; 05-30-2020 at 11:14 PM.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,698
    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    I'm going through the same thing with a friend who I've loved since we were babies.

    People do not grow at the same rate in the same areas. This doesn't make either person a villain, but it also doesn't mean that remaining entrenched in the ways that may have served us before are necessarily heathy today. That's when divergence is not only okay, it's often for the best.

    This is not the same thing as trashing away someone we love. Often, it's just about putting things on 'pause' despite a connection of the heart.

    With romance it's easy to see how we can't always choose who we love, but we can recognize that it's smarter to love from far away. Well, you're seeing how that can translate into friendships as well.

    We don't need to have a knock-down-drag-out fight in order to 'break up' with a friend. Sometimes we can just see a misalignment with our priorities at a given time and avoid pursuing the connection as frequently or to the degree that has become habitual.

    In my own case, I've noticed the same self-centeredness that you've described. It feels draining and chore-like to maintain the kind of contact we've kept up during this lockdown. So I'll step back and let her do the same. If she wants to pursue contact, I'll be kind, but I'll also limit my time and skip my own investment in keeping up the pretense of a balance that I've come to recognize is not there. If she doesn't pursue, then that makes it easier for me to decathect and decide later whether and how much I want to invest my own efforts--or not.

    There is no shame in making a 'smaller' life in order to decide who and what matters to you--and who and what does not. The same merry-go-round will still be there later whenever you want to jump back on it again--or not. Bigger is only better when it's your private choice to go there, and smaller can be healthy to the degree that self-preoccupation doesn't make you fragile or sad.

    Head high.
    Thanks CF! I wish I could have just continued pulling back and let a natural distance happen... But when they asked, I could not be fake and pretend.... Up to that point, I was being polite but distant. But then again, I feel better that it's out in the open. And whatever happens next, so be it.

    I know they will continue to have a great life. I don't want to bash anyone. I'm not saying what they talk about is better or worse than the stuff I talk about... I just feel I put a lot more effort into to listening while they're talking things out, offering suggestions or strategies to try, and just generally validating what they says. And I just don't get that back. Fortunately, I have a few other friends that do support me back. I enjoy that time spent much more. They are more what I want my life to be... And that's just the truth.

    Good luck with your friend, too. It's not easy, but it sounds like we both know what needs to happen. And that's a good thing...

  3. #23
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    22,959
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Thanks CF! I wish I could have just continued pulling back and let a natural distance happen... But when they asked, I could not be fake and pretend.... Up to that point, I was being polite but distant. But then again, I feel better that it's out in the open. And whatever happens next, so be it.

    I know they will continue to have a great life. I don't want to bash anyone. I'm not saying what they talk about is better or worse than the stuff I talk about... I just feel I put a lot more effort into to listening while they're talking things out, offering suggestions or strategies to try, and just generally validating what they says. And I just don't get that back. Fortunately, I have a few other friends that do support me back. I enjoy that time spent much more. They are more what I want my life to be... And that's just the truth.

    Good luck with your friend, too. It's not easy, but it sounds like we both know what needs to happen. And that's a good thing...
    So glad to hear that you do have friends who ARE supportive and invested. I do, too. It's just been an eye opening contrast with one who would interrupt my musings about possibly losing a job that I've loved for many years over how her toenail polish looks at the moment.

    Uhm... that told me something important. Whether it was a temporary lapse in her judgment or an ongoing one in mine ... that will work itself out.

    Head high, honey. WE care. (((Safe HUG)))

  4. #24
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    22,805
    The pandemic has been so difficult for many: loss of life and employment, and isolation from loved ones and life.

    There has been some positive, as it has given us plenty of time to reflect on what is good and bad within our lives. See this as a positive and extricate this individual who brings little and takes a lot. She sounds selfish, manipulative, passive aggressive, and an all around poor friend. Take this time to let her fade away, as it will make your life much bigger.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 05-31-2020 at 01:17 AM.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    51,669
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Thanks CF! I wish I could have just continued pulling back and let a natural distance happen... But when they asked, I could not be fake and pretend.... Up to that point, I was being polite but distant. But then again, I feel better that it's out in the open. And whatever happens next, so be it.

    I know they will continue to have a great life. I don't want to bash anyone. I'm not saying what they talk about is better or worse than the stuff I talk about... I just feel I put a lot more effort into to listening while they're talking things out, offering suggestions or strategies to try, and just generally validating what they says. And I just don't get that back. Fortunately, I have a few other friends that do support me back. I enjoy that time spent much more. They are more what I want my life to be... And that's just the truth.

    Good luck with your friend, too. It's not easy, but it sounds like we both know what needs to happen. And that's a good thing...
    Is it possible you're making the understandable mistake that the way you act in a caring way is not the way others choose to?

    Example. I take out the garbage in our house. It's really annoying lately because with the virus I have to be extra careful with the door handles/trash handle in the incinerator room. And we're all home so I have to do it more often. My husband makes it a point to make sure that by the time I return -less than a minute later -there is already a clean bag in the kitchen garbage can. He thinks this is really thoughtful of him and "team work". It is!! And the truth is he would take out the garbage if I asked and I also know it's not his favorite thing to do (he does other things). So. My point is - I see it as imbalanced - I go through the manual labor of collecting and going out with the garbage and he just puts the bag in ASAP so I can wash my hands and perhaps discard a paper towel in the lined garbage can.

    Had he not mentioned to me once casually how he see this as team work I might have started to resent the extra work and wondered why he wasn't offering to take it out. I picked this example because it's mundane, it's about garbage, it lacks depth (other than my garbage can's depth and my husband's skill at getting the liner alllll the way to the bottom) - but it shows how you need to think about your expectations differently from how others view the dynamic. Like, perhaps your friends think you enjoy the advice-giver/validator role and perhaps at least one feels like she tried to take that role with you and it wasn't effective -you may have brushed her off nicely with "oh thanks but I'm fine". Just consider it.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    1,892
    Gender
    Female
    Lambert.

    You will in fact find that your life will expand, and get larger rather than smaller, once this toxicity has faded
    The type you describe is all too familiar.

    As Wiseman put it in his inimitable manner:

    "..drama queens get very old very fast."

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,698
    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    So glad to hear that you do have friends who ARE supportive and invested. I do, too. It's just been an eye opening contrast with one who would interrupt my musings about possibly losing a job that I've loved for many years over how her toenail polish looks at the moment.

    Uhm... that told me something important. Whether it was a temporary lapse in her judgment or an ongoing one in mine ... that will work itself out.

    Head high, honey. WE care. (((Safe HUG)))
    You, too, CF!

    That's a prime example. Not saying anyone's problems are bigger or worse, but where's the respect to just let a person talk and give one's full attention? Even if its something that cant be fixed. How about a "I understand. that is tough to deal with."

    I could go on with my own examples, too. And I hear you. Everyone slips up, gets distracted, zones out when their friend rambles a bit. But its the continual shut down on my topics, that I've reached the end if my rope. The old "oh you can handle it... back to me"

    its like even if we have the same thing happen to both us. somehow, its raining harder on that side of the street. They even kind of shamed me for saying, I missed my parents, because their parents have passed.... granted, that is worse and I'm sure its very difficult... but I am still allowed to miss mine.... I used to see them a few times a month and now its been months.....

    in some ways, that was the beginning of the end. I thought I can't deal with this anymore.... I matter. My life is important to me. and I know they are incapable of changing.

    I never once made them feel bad about having something in their life, that was missing from mine. I don't need or want pity but a little compassion, especially when I have gone out of my way to comfort them for any thing that was on their mind. Is not too much to ask.

    When they asked me what was wrong, they didn't even question what i meant. They immediately went to "why do want to be my friend'

    That's not loving your friend. That's being a jerk.

    Hang in there, CF... I'm your friend. As everyone here is mine, too

  9. #28
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    1,892
    Gender
    Female
    Quite so Lambert.

    "That's being a jerk.
    "


    The Radio ME, ME, ME squad.

    A lot of it around, sadly.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,698
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    The pandemic has been so difficult for many: loss of life and employment, and isolation from loved ones and life.

    There has been some positive, as it has given us plenty of time to reflect on what is good and bad within our lives. See this as a positive and extricate this individual who brings little and takes a lot. She sounds selfish, manipulative, passive aggressive, and an all around poor friend. Take this time to let her fade away, as it will make your life much bigger.
    Thank you, Holly. I woke up this morning, feeling the same. This is a positive. I'm free of being squashed and I can move forward.

    I expect I will hear from this friend again and if they cant change... they cant. my days of dealing with this are over. I need boundaries and space to support myself etc. And maybe that is expecting too much and its truly over. because really policing someone is not my idea of fun. And if people don't see a problem within themselves, it is not my place to fix them


    Maybe they think I'm being controlling and mean. I imagine that is the case and that's fine. I am. haha.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,698
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Is it possible you're making the understandable mistake that the way you act in a caring way is not the way others choose to?

    Example. I take out the garbage in our house. It's really annoying lately because with the virus I have to be extra careful with the door handles/trash handle in the incinerator room. And we're all home so I have to do it more often. My husband makes it a point to make sure that by the time I return -less than a minute later -there is already a clean bag in the kitchen garbage can. He thinks this is really thoughtful of him and "team work". It is!! And the truth is he would take out the garbage if I asked and I also know it's not his favorite thing to do (he does other things). So. My point is - I see it as imbalanced - I go through the manual labor of collecting and going out with the garbage and he just puts the bag in ASAP so I can wash my hands and perhaps discard a paper towel in the lined garbage can.

    Had he not mentioned to me once casually how he see this as team work I might have started to resent the extra work and wondered why he wasn't offering to take it out. I picked this example because it's mundane, it's about garbage, it lacks depth (other than my garbage can's depth and my husband's skill at getting the liner alllll the way to the bottom) - but it shows how you need to think about your expectations differently from how others view the dynamic. Like, perhaps your friends think you enjoy the advice-giver/validator role and perhaps at least one feels like she tried to take that role with you and it wasn't effective -you may have brushed her off nicely with "oh thanks but I'm fine". Just consider it.
    Thanks, B.

    This is an excellent point and I have been guilty of this for sure!

Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Videos


What Is Good To Know About The First Date

Online Dating Websites Most Frequently Used By Older Adults

Blogging Helps New Moms Handle Parental Stress

What Do Men And Women Want In A Relationship?

Benefits Of Online Education

Talking To Children Is Better Than Reading To Them
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •