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Thread: Letting Go....

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Spawn
    I was wondering how living alone or having few friends make life smaller
    does a movie star or lead singer of a famous rock band who has so many admirers friends followers around the world lead a larger life going by math. But why do few of them end up dying with overdoze of stuff and suffer from all kinda psychological issues.
    growing through the years we end up with a handful of friends only.
    Even relationships fade away, few remain.We grow we learn sometimes life tests our resilience our learnings through its ups and downs, all a test, this pandemic is one such test.
    Some people dont need to be part of our journey, yes we love them but they dont really help us grow in our life, they dont care much, but do they define us who we are, we are who we are what we learn the knowledge we get through all these experiences, nothing can change that. These are all that we have in the end, we are alone with these learnings and experiences so maybe this is what that makes it smaller. Am alone at home today for last 2 months, looking back at a life that has many downs than ups but whatever i achieved my home car taking care of my mom my engg degree all working hard with my own money but this space is mine all the decisions of leaving some people in life are all mine. Not living a larger life but isnt this enough it is i feel, this is what we choose this is what defines us even if it is smaller or larger it is what is.
    Just think we need to be grateful for the people and the experiences and life in general, a pandemic today or tomorrow will not take that away from us.
    thanks, spawn! I agree gratitude for the journey, the good, bad, ugly... Is key because it all leads us to the lessons we must learn.

    I think the bolded part of what you said struck me the most.... I do feel supporting, nurturing and soothing this friend's own insecurities and needs for validation and attention has influenced and defined so many of my own responses and actions to her. some of which are against my own ideas. Like why do I have to baby this person? Why can't they grow and evolve as a person to handle stuff on their own? As we all, as adults must do.... Why can't they be an equal participants, respecting and acknowledging the other person has needs too

    The excuses, the claims of weakness, inability, over emotional responses are all just manipulations at this point. They will be fine. Just as I will. They only offer apologies and excuses... No attempts to change or even acknowledge the need for change.

    Maybe as a friend, I lowered the standard or however we want to say, as no one is perfect and tolerated this for too long....

  2. #12
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    A good friend is like a four-leaf clover; hard to find and lucky to have. (Irish Proverb)

    I know exactly what you mean by the "self-centred and needy" (to which you might add passive-aggressive).
    Give such people a wide berth, always. Let them in and they'll dog your heels like an unhealthy shadow.

    Not everyone is like the "friend" you described, Lambert.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    A good friend is like a four-leaf clover; hard to find and lucky to have. (Irish Proverb)

    I know exactly what you mean by the "self-centred and needy" (to which you might add passive-aggressive).
    Give such people a wide berth, always. Let them in and they'll dog your heels like an unhealthy shadow.

    Not everyone is like the "friend" you described, Lambert.
    So true.... The passive aggressive.... I think when we met we were much younger and I've just evolved past a lot of this old behavior. I've definitely had falling outs with them before and it's always been just easier to forgive and forget. Because in general, I'm a live and let live. Which is both a blessing and a curse... Accepting people as they are used to be something I valued. Now I'm kind of like, please be you over there. Hahah

    I wish I could just distance myself from this friend, be more acquaintances. However, the suffocation, as jibralta, pointed out, makes that a challenge in itself.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Aaah Lambert. You ask:

    "Like why do I have to baby this person? Why can't they grow and evolve as a person to handle stuff on their own? As we all, as adults must do.... Why can't they be an equal participants, respecting and acknowledging the other person has needs too
    "


    Possibly because this person has always used others as crutches and has never (for whatever reasons) learnt to be an adult. Such people are actually dangerous in the sense that they stealthily move in on your space and grip you like ivy. And ivy has a habit of throttling what it invades. So, the remedy to be applied is much as you would use if ridding a place of ivy. Quite hard work, particularly getting the roots out!

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Aaah Lambert. You ask:

    "Like why do I have to baby this person? Why can't they grow and evolve as a person to handle stuff on their own? As we all, as adults must do.... Why can't they be an equal participants, respecting and acknowledging the other person has needs too
    "


    Possibly because this person has always used others as crutches and has never (for whatever reasons) learnt to be an adult. Such people are actually dangerous in the sense that they stealthily move in on your space and grip you like ivy. And ivy has a habit of throttling what it invades. So, the remedy to be applied is much as you would use if ridding a place of ivy. Quite hard work, particularly getting the roots out!

    I know right! You are exactly right.... I have not heard from them today... But it's not the end. There's going to be some real passive aggressive BS coming from that direction at some point.

  7. #16
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    Hey Lambert,

    Everyone has a different definition of what a friendship is as we all value different things. But getting down to brass tacks: If spending time with someone doesn't make you feel good, then they are not worth having around. Sounds harsh, but reality is we want to be surrounded with people who lift us up and add value to our life. I do believe that life is a roller-coaster thus friends who are going through a difficult season will temporarily behave differently.

    From what you told us, it seems that at this point your friend isn't adding value to your life.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by greendots
    Hey Lambert,

    Everyone has a different definition of what a friendship is as we all value different things. But getting down to brass tacks: If spending time with someone doesn't make you feel good, then they are not worth having around. Sounds harsh, but reality is we want to be surrounded with people who lift us up and add value to our life. I do believe that life is a roller-coaster thus friends who are going through a difficult season will temporarily behave differently.

    From what you told us, it seems that at this point your friend isn't adding value to your life.
    hey green

    thanks for the reply.... I agree. Not everyone is meant to stay. And when things start to hurt us more than comfort us, then its time to step back.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree, drama queens get very old very fast.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    That doesn't sound like a good friend or a good listener. It's ok to let go. There may also be periods in time where people drift to sort things in their own lives. I've never been a big believer of being joined at the hip to friends. Learning to give each other a healthy distance is important to me. I'm poor with daily and weekly updates not for lack of caring but due to not much to report back, quite frankly, and my family keeps me busy and on my toes. There's a time and place for everything. Good friendships know when to ease off and give each other space.

    Try not to take the 'your life will get smaller' comment to heart. It's a negative comment overall and bound to make anyone think or reflect negatively on themselves, wondering what they could possibly do to deserve a comment like that. Maybe the tarot reader's third eye was slowly growing cataracts and her overall view was getting smaller?

    Feel better soon.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I once wondered how could my life get smaller? Well, now I know. If people don't treat you right, are you just destined be alone or just feel alone while with other people...
    I'm going through the same thing with a friend who I've loved since we were babies.

    People do not grow at the same rate in the same areas. This doesn't make either person a villain, but it also doesn't mean that remaining entrenched in the ways that may have served us before are necessarily heathy today. That's when divergence is not only okay, it's often for the best.

    This is not the same thing as trashing away someone we love. Often, it's just about putting things on 'pause' despite a connection of the heart.

    With romance it's easy to see how we can't always choose who we love, but we can recognize that it's smarter to love from far away. Well, you're seeing how that can translate into friendships as well.

    We don't need to have a knock-down-drag-out fight in order to 'break up' with a friend. Sometimes we can just see a misalignment with our priorities at a given time and avoid pursuing the connection as frequently or to the degree that has become habitual.

    In my own case, I've noticed the same self-centeredness that you've described. It feels draining and chore-like to maintain the kind of contact we've kept up during this lockdown. So I'll step back and let her do the same. If she wants to pursue contact, I'll be kind, but I'll also limit my time and skip my own investment in keeping up the pretense of a balance that I've come to recognize is not there. If she doesn't pursue, then that makes it easier for me to decathect and decide later whether and how much I want to invest my own efforts--or not.

    There is no shame in making a 'smaller' life in order to decide who and what matters to you--and who and what does not. The same merry-go-round will still be there later whenever you want to jump back on it again--or not. Bigger is only better when it's your private choice to go there, and smaller can be healthy to the degree that self-preoccupation doesn't make you fragile or sad.

    Head high.

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