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Thread: I lost interest before the 1st date, should I keep my promise and at least go?

  1. #11
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    You know what? I think you should cancel that date, yes.

    You're already looking at significant incompatibility and you seem very rigid and difficult to please. It would not make sense to keep this date when you're walking into it with this sour perspective and air of bitterness.

    The way I'm reading it is that you're so afraid she's going to reject you that you're trying to gain a leg up and position yourself as the one to reject. I don't know if you feel some sense of power in this, in that it helps you feel more "I'll get her before she gets me" but it's a sure sign that dating isn't going to go well. You're already interpreting her late reply as a possible rejection and you're scared enough to look for the exit hatch already.

    Don't waste her time. Work on your insecurities first and get to a place where you're not filtering everything through such a fight-or-flight lens.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by stuka80
    "You can go on the date but don't be surprised if she doesn't pick up on your change or coldness and it may cause more confusion between the both of you. People can pick up subtle changes, coolness or a switch or change in conversation or the way a person speaks or answers questions. It's always a two-way street so just as you may be putting the ball in her court, she may be really put off by the quick change in you. To her, it might look like you did a total 180 overnight."

    I'm perfectly aware of this but i honestly dont care if she gets put off by it, the outcome on the date is soley in her hands as far as i'm concerned, i've already checked out unless she shows me otherwise.

    "There may be a reason why she took her time answering you also. Maybe she feels you are ok as a friend but unsure about anything more. I think everyone is entitled to a little thought process. Some people also don't like explaining themselves over text because it's besides the point - the answer is yes or no. It's too early to be expecting each other to explain yourselves for a lull in conversation and appears controlling and a little too heavyhanded. A person can offer an excuse but it shouldn't be necessary, especially not this early."

    It wasn't any type of deep or complicated conversation that required time to process. Im convinced she looked at her phone at least once before she went to bed, there is noway anyone can convince me that in the middle of our conversation at 5pm she suddenly threw her phone in a corner and never looked at it again until she woke up the next day. Unless she actually told me that herself. Like i mentioned, at least if she gave me a reason instead of just saying sorry and then joking about it afterwards i would've looked past. So i'll have to come up with my own conclusion that she deliberately ignored my message, i looked at it as a red flag. Also if this matters, we have not chatted with each other since 7am when the conversation naturally peetered out. It is now 11pm. This fact, on top of the late reply has added to my decision to just stop pursuing her. I will however keep the date we made.

    "If you want to get ahead, I'd say start from scratch, go in with an open mind and change the way you think of this blooper. You'd have given the date a real shot and after that, you can make a fair judgment. I think it will take both of you to be your usual selves for anything to go successfully. Good for you for being wary too. "

    Thanks for the advice, but she crossed a boundary of mine that I can't compromise on. To me this was a red flag and i firmly believe i'll save myself tons of future problems and heartaches. If we had been on a few dates already then i'd probably be a bit more forgiving on this, but its only been about a week that we've been talking. i'm cutting my losses and walking away, unless things change in the date. who knows she may even back out of it herself, like i mentioned, we haven't spoken since the morning.
    Do you analyse every single little thing people do and just make assumptions about things you don't know? E.g. You don't know what she was actually doing and why she didn't reply until the next day.

  3. #13
    Gold Member stuka80's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    It seems like you have a serious chip on your shoulder, dude. I don't know if you're projecting because of bad past experiences but you would be wise to check your expectations and not assume the worst right out of the gate.
    Not bad experience but life experience and not specifically with women but with people in general. i'm not dropping my outlook and standards just to get married for its sake and be like most of the married people i know or the nation in general where the ratio of healthy to unhealthy marriages is astounding. I can't explain my views without getting too philosophical but i'll just say that what you view as a chip on my shoulder is simply me having a standard that i hold for myself. For me, this is a bad first impression on her part and one that i'm not willing to just overlook. Had this happened after a few dates already I would've let it go, but this happened right at the beginning.

  4. #14
    Gold Member stuka80's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Do you analyse every single little thing people do and just make assumptions about things you don't know?
    Nope, but in this case i considered it important enough


    You don't know what she was actually doing and why she didn't reply until the next day.
    You're right, but i'm not just gonna drop it for i believe valid reasons that i've already mentioned. i'm obviously not gonna bring it up but maybe it will come up in the date, or more likely it wont.

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  6. #15
    Gold Member stuka80's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    You know what? I think you should cancel that date, yes.

    You're already looking at significant incompatibility and you seem very rigid and difficult to please. It would not make sense to keep this date when you're walking into it with this sour perspective and air of bitterness.
    I'd have to chuckle at the rigid and difficult to please part, i know it may not seem like it from this post, but im not fussy at all and am very laid back i let things slide all the time in my work and personal life. i just have certain standards under certain circumstances. And ignoring a message under the circumstances i mentioned before even 1 date happened is one of those i can't compromise on. you can look at it as a vetting period.

    The way I'm reading it is that you're so afraid she's going to reject you that you're trying to gain a leg up and position yourself as the one to reject. I don't know if you feel some sense of power in this, in that it helps you feel more "I'll get her before she gets me" but it's a sure sign that dating isn't going to go well. You're already interpreting her late reply as a possible rejection and you're scared enough to look for the exit hatch already.
    I personally dont see it like that, i'm simply trying to save myself from wasting more time with someone who i believe is trying to test me for whatever reason. Just be genuine and respond, why purpously ignore my messages.(im aware of the different possible reasons, but as i already mentioned, she did this already before even going on 1 date. thats a wrap for me.)

    Don't waste her time. Work on your insecurities first and get to a place where you're not filtering everything through such a fight-or-flight lens.
    we simply have a different outlook on life, thats all it is. i know you said cancel the date, but i'll have to disregard it, not a good enough reason to flake on her. thanks for the input though.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by stuka80
    And ignoring a message under the circumstances i mentioned before even 1 date happened is one of those i can't compromise on. you can look at it as a vetting period.
    Then don't.

    Cancel the date. You see this as an indicator of her character, and you already have a problem with it. I can just about promise you that she holds a different view. Therefore? She isn't right for you, and you aren't the right guy for her, either. Don't waste your or her time.

    Wait for someone who doesn't trigger you so much before you even get to the first date.

  8. #17
    Gold Member stuka80's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Then don't.

    Cancel the date.
    As i said, i made the date, unless a good enough perspective is presented for me to actually cancel it. i'd feel bad flaking on her, i'll at least follow through

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I think you should at least give her a second chance. Cut her some slack. Not everyone is chained to their phone 24 / 7 and replies at the snap of your fingers. Go on a second date and have a discussion regarding how you felt about not hearing from her for 14 hours. Tell her you were worried which sounds better than whining that you were ignored.

    Here's a tip: From now on don't over do it with relentless electronic communication (text, voice mails, emails, messages, etc). Some people don't like it and only use their phones and PC sporadically. Constant 24 / 7 correspondence becomes a burden for many because there's never a break. Learn to give people space because it's mentally healthy.

    Don't be so impatient and demanding because it's a turn off and quite disdainful. Be an easy going person to get along with. Be flexible. If you're so strict about instantaneous responses, you will push people away.

    If you don't agree with me, then do her a favor and tell her you are canceling the second date with her. Don't make excuses. Keep your cancellation brief and polite; no more no less. Don't mention "cut your losses and just go our separate ways" because it sounds terse. Be tactful, gracious and kind when you part ways. Let her know that you wish to cancel the second date, there is no rescheduling and thank her for the first date. Keep your statement simple, to the point and brief. Don't drag this out and be done with it.

  10. #19
    Bronze Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    I have a different opinion to the other posters. I think that when someone shows you early on what kind of people they are....believe it. You owe her nothing. Cancel the date and look for someone who respects you. Also, no need to apologise for wanting to date someone who (shock and horror!) responds to your messages in time or offers a sincere apology when they can't.

  11. #20
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    i wouldn't cancel the date, go for it have fun.
    what ever you experienced with the message thing leave it for now, may be she was really busy or was doing some chores you never know.
    First thing in life don't assume things always talk to the person involved and definitely don't message and ask, usually we come to know that reality is something else.

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