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Thread: Rock bottom

  1. #11
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    One thing I can tell you for sure:
    Do.Not.Contact.Her.
    Under any circumstances. I don't care how badly you're craving her, do not. As soon as you are tempted to reach for your phone, walk away. Or contact someone else. In fact, put her number in your phone as "DON'T".

    I guess contacting her has already crossed your mind. Do not, for your own good.

    Keep plugging along, you will get there.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    One thing I can tell you for sure:
    Do.Not.Contact.Her.
    Under any circumstances. I don't care how badly you're craving her, do not. As soon as you are tempted to reach for your phone, walk away. Or contact someone else. In fact, put her number in your phone as "DON'T".

    I guess contacting her has already crossed your mind. Do not, for your own good.

    Keep plugging along, you will get there.
    Unfortunately there are a few lose end that need to be squared away. I’ll do everything I can to keep the contact to a minimum. I actually don’t really want to see her. I know the pain will rattle me bad again... she forgot a few things here. I’ll probably leave on porch or drop off at her friends house... got to revise the joint phone bill and I’m hoping we don’t both have to go. I’m assuming she can call to get her own service and it will be removed from my bill?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You don't need to speak to her to remove her from the bill. You both can contact the phone company separately. You can also drop her things off without contacting her other than to say "I dropped off your things at X".

    What I'm talking about is those times when you're feeling sad and are "missing" her, that's when you start thinking it's a fantastic idea to text her "Hey, how are you?" or to spill your guts about how much you're missing her, or sending her a song that reminds you of a time you two spent together. Don't do any of those things. And for the love of god, put your phone away if you are drinking. For some reason intoxicated people think it's a terrific idea to contact exes. It's not. It's an awful idea.

    Good luck going forward.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You don't need to speak to her to remove her from the bill. You both can contact the phone company separately. You can also drop her things off without contacting her other than to say "I dropped off your things at X".

    What I'm talking about is those times when you're feeling sad and are "missing" her, that's when you start thinking it's a fantastic idea to text her "Hey, how are you?" or to spill your guts about how much you're missing her, or sending her a song that reminds you of a time you two spent together. Don't do any of those things. And for the love of god, put your phone away if you are drinking. For some reason intoxicated people think it's a terrific idea to contact exes. It's not. It's an awful idea.

    Good luck going forward.
    No. Thankfully I don’t feel that way. Hard to explain. It’s just the detachment and feeling completely lost in the world. Saying this whole thing is throwing me for a loop is an extreme understatement. All kinds of fears but I have come to terms that we, at the very least absolutely need a very long time apart to heal and “ work on ourselves”

    I gave it 5 years and IT DID NOT WORK

    I know the contact is a bad idea. It’s gonna kill if it has to happen. I don’t want that.

    Still, I feel so unbelievably horrible in so many ways.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    There's a lot that can help you in this powerful and compassionate sentence, I think. Everything you're going through right now, everything you're feeling: Can you label it "okay" in your brain? It's not easy—and it's okay for the act of labeling it to feel totally fraudulent—but still: maybe try it?

    I was pretty wrecked a good while back—nearly a decade ago—when a relationship ended. First step, as someone who had not learned to sit with pain with humility, was to get on a plane and rent a funky apartment in a city where I knew no one. New me! New start! Humidity and a kidney shaped pool! That buzz lasted, I don't know, 12 hours. Among the many modes of distraction I tried out, from learning to cook intricate vegetarian dishes to enjoying more bourbon than usual, I walked into a yoga studio, bought a monthly pass, and committed to 30 days straight. Yup, I was that guy—tears streaming down my face in pigeon pose as a teacher led us through chants.

    In one class, while knotted up in some posture that felt about as impossible to "hold" as my mental state, the teacher said something to the effect of: You are, right not, exactly where you're supposed to be; you have, right now, an abundance; breathe into that radical idea. My initial reaction was: Are you kidding me? But, hey, when in Rome. So I did what she told me to do: inhale, exhale, and repeated what she claimed was true.

    It was a genuine revelation. The emotional clouds didn't suddenly part or anything, but I was able to accept, or begin to accept, that the state I was in was okay, even more than okay. Humility—oh, there it was. I was meant to be feeling what I was feeling, and had it in me to handle it. Can't tell you how many times I've leaned into that one moment since—it's basically a daily mantra, whispered to myself on yoga mats and surf boards and while the coffee brews—and found solace in discomfort rather than solace in trying to run from it or judge it.

    You're five minutes out of a breakup and feeling what you should feel, in short. That it's the end of a relationship you knew, for a good long time, if not right from the start, didn't make much sense—well, that's going to compound the pain for a bit, give it a reckoning quality, a pretty tight knot to untangle over time. Been there as well. Internet hugs galore. But also internet encouragement to just lean into it for a bit. If this is what life is like for the next two months, with respites coming after the tears and/or the cleaning of a counter—well, great. That's what getting through it looks like, and what getting stronger looks like. Know this internet stranger believes that even when you don't.

    As for the dwelling? I say do it, but set a timer (10 minutes here, an hour there) and when the timer goes off? That's when you do something, anything you know is good for you, even when it feels bogus. Ten pushups, or 100. Call a friend and ask about their life, even when yours is the only thing on your mind. Google a recipe and cook it. Put on Mozart and try to figure out what the fuss is about with the help of Wikipedia. Those moments add up over time since, at the end of every day, we are only the product of the choices we make. How you handle these days are the beginning of who you'll be on the other side.
    Love this. Great thoughts.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    There's a lot that can help you in this powerful and compassionate sentence, I think. Everything you're going through right now, everything you're feeling: Can you label it "okay" in your brain? It's not easy—and it's okay for the act of labeling it to feel totally fraudulent—but still: maybe try it?

    I was pretty wrecked a good while back—nearly a decade ago—when a relationship ended. First step, as someone who had not learned to sit with pain with humility, was to get on a plane and rent a funky apartment in a city where I knew no one. New me! New start! Humidity and a kidney shaped pool! That buzz lasted, I don't know, 12 hours. Among the many modes of distraction I tried out, from learning to cook intricate vegetarian dishes to enjoying more bourbon than usual, I walked into a yoga studio, bought a monthly pass, and committed to 30 days straight. Yup, I was that guy—tears streaming down my face in pigeon pose as a teacher led us through chants.

    In one class, while knotted up in some posture that felt about as impossible to "hold" as my mental state, the teacher said something to the effect of: You are, right not, exactly where you're supposed to be; you have, right now, an abundance; breathe into that radical idea. My initial reaction was: Are you kidding me? But, hey, when in Rome. So I did what she told me to do: inhale, exhale, and repeated what she claimed was true.

    It was a genuine revelation. The emotional clouds didn't suddenly part or anything, but I was able to accept, or begin to accept, that the state I was in was okay, even more than okay. Humility—oh, there it was. I was meant to be feeling what I was feeling, and had it in me to handle it. Can't tell you how many times I've leaned into that one moment since—it's basically a daily mantra, whispered to myself on yoga mats and surf boards and while the coffee brews—and found solace in discomfort rather than solace in trying to run from it or judge it.

    You're five minutes out of a breakup and feeling what you should feel, in short. That it's the end of a relationship you knew, for a good long time, if not right from the start, didn't make much sense—well, that's going to compound the pain for a bit, give it a reckoning quality, a pretty tight knot to untangle over time. Been there as well. Internet hugs galore. But also internet encouragement to just lean into it for a bit. If this is what life is like for the next two months, with respites coming after the tears and/or the cleaning of a counter—well, great. That's what getting through it looks like, and what getting stronger looks like. Know this internet stranger believes that even when you don't.

    As for the dwelling? I say do it, but set a timer (10 minutes here, an hour there) and when the timer goes off? That's when you do something, anything you know is good for you, even when it feels bogus. Ten pushups, or 100. Call a friend and ask about their life, even when yours is the only thing on your mind. Google a recipe and cook it. Put on Mozart and try to figure out what the fuss is about with the help of Wikipedia. Those moments add up over time since, at the end of every day, we are only the product of the choices we make. How you handle these days are the beginning of who you'll be on the other side.
    Jesus Christ and wow! I can relate. I’ve been through this once before with even worse circumstances (16 Year relationship, left for another dude...)

    I’m older now which is the scary part. Want family and kids but I’m pushing 40.

    But yeah, first time around I took the bull by the horns and it was a ride from hell. This time I’m trying harder from the start to break up the pain with distractions but just don’t know if that’s the fastest way to healing.

    But thank you. Sometimes you just need to embrace it to move forward. Own it. Ride it. Thank you.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    When I get just a little strength and can stay to adjust to being utterly alone, I will keep this in mind and implement ASAP.
    This sounds like a complete misunderstanding of what I wrote. You don't need to adjust to being utterly alone. Reach out to friends and family, but instead of dragging them down, adopt the mission to make your time together about them-not-ME.

    The problem with grief is not the grieving, it's about believing that sucking others down is healing when the opposite is true. Put your focus, instead, on the lives and projects and priorities of those you love, and they will lift YOU up, instead.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    This sounds like a complete misunderstanding of what I wrote. You don't need to adjust to being utterly alone. Reach out to friends and family, but instead of dragging them down, adopt the mission to make your time together about them-not-ME.

    The problem with grief is not the grieving, it's about believing that sucking others down is healing when the opposite is true. Put your focus, instead, on the lives and projects and priorities of those you love, and they will lift YOU up, instead.
    No I get it. It just takes a little time to get there. Still in full on panic mode. Having a shoulder to cry on helps right now. But as soon as I can start to actually breathe and even remotely function, I will be taking this advice as soon as possible. And I know it probably drags people down a little. But true friends are there to lean on and I’ll be there to let them lean on me when they are in need as well. Hopefully within a week or so I will begin to find a groove and start to stabilize. Until then, I need every bit of support I can get to process and keep myself from getting sucked under. I currently feel like I’m treading water in the middle of the ocean just trying to keep my head above the water. I’ll grab anything I can to stay a float. That my sound selfish but my true friends won’t let me sink. When the time comes, I’ll be strong enough to be their life preserver too.

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