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Thread: Ex said she wants to be with me but doesnít know if itís a good idea right now

  1. #1
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    Ex said she wants to be with me but doesnít know if itís a good idea right now

    My ex and I dated for 8 months we broke up 2 months ago, we saw each other a few times during the breakup and in the last month hung out 3 times for a few days in a row and were like a couple. She recently told me that she loves me so much and she wants to be with me but due to our past ( I had a lot of stuff I was dealing with in the beginning and wasnít very nice or supportive) she needs space and doesnít know if we should be together. She has seen that Ive changed and she just doesnít know if it will be good forever or if we should be together. She says shes very unsure right now. Ive confessed all my feelings to her and have been honest. I told her if we try again we should take things slow like a new relationship. We have been on a roller coaster with each other for the last two months because she isnt sure and the longest we took space was almost 3 weeks. I know she needs the time still but Will she want work things out?

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    I would give her space...just do no contact and let her contact you. When she contacts you, just setup a time to get together and plan a fun date. Donít bring up anything and just have fun

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    How have you changed in two months time? How is that possible?

    How were you treating her? Please provide examples.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Give her space and pull back. It sounds like she's talking to her people and they have told her to be nice but not give you false hope. Unfortunately she is giving mixed signals with the "...but" following the 'still cares' words. She probably does have mixed feelings, so let the dust settle and reflect on things.
    Originally Posted by Rayray4567
    My ex and I dated for 8 months we broke up 2 months ago
    ....but due to our past ( I had a lot of stuff I was dealing with in the beginning and wasnít very nice or supportive) she needs space and doesnít know if we should be together.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I second all the comments about giving her space. There is no use in you throwing yourself at the feet of someone who continues to repeat that he/she is 'not sure'. Keep your distance and sooner or later I think it's healthy for you to be the one to make the decision of whether you are done.

    The answer is not all with her.

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    Prior to dating her I was in a very emotionally abusive and controlling relationship where my ex cheated on me. When my current girlfriend and started to date I was paranoid that she would be the same so I was distant and didnít trust her, I told her this and eventually I realized she is not my ex and I stopped being paranoid and I trusted her. I was emotionally and sometimes physically abused as a child. I repressed my child hood my whole life and thought I wasnít affected by it or my past relationship abuse. I was wrong and My girlfriend is a Psychology major and she wanted me to open up to her, I had all this anger and frustration in me that I didnít know I had. It all came out I was a bitter person, I could be rude to her, disrespectful and emotionally abusive. I was not in a good state to be with someone but I was selfish and wanted to be with her, the last 2 months we were together I was at peace and had talked to people about my past and what has gone on with her. I was starting to do better but she didnít trust that I could. She now knows Iím in a better place but itís the past trauma that is hard for her, I was never terrible to her but I could be very rude, insulting and wasnít there for her like she was for me. She worries that because of that she doesnít know if we should be together. I told her that I am in a better place and if she doesnít want to end up together thatís fine as long as sheís happy. but a part of me would always feel guilty that I learned how to be a better person from
    Her and that I couldnít be that person for her.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I have been in some past controlling and emotionally abusive relationships. For the sake of space I will just say my upbringing attracted me to them.
    After a difficult divorce I spent years in therapy and it took me twice as long to come to terms with what transpired, my part in it and relearning how to be in a healthy relationship.

    It would never, ever, happen in 2 months time. *Ever.

    If she is a Psych major she knows first hand the road one needs to travel to get to the other side. And the road is not a straight one. There are many turns and set backs.

    I commend you for working towards it, but the motivation needs to come from wanting this for yourself and not in an attempt to reconcile. It's a long worthwhile journey.
    I understand her reservation.
    All you can do is not count on her, carry on and continue to work on yourself. If you do reconcile it will be a side benefit for having done the work.

  9. #8
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    You cannot change in two months. You need a lot more time to process things through therapy. I'm sorry, but you are no where near being ready for a healthy relationship.

    Focus on you.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    How awful for you. The one person you ended up opening up to doesn't know how to handle you and on top of that she does drive-bys with maybes. Don't spiral into a self-guilt, self-hate vortex. You need help and therapy feeling good about yourself. Maybe you have never felt good about yourself ever. There really IS a better place than what you're feeling right now. My advice is don't blame things on yourself and stop with the self-guilt. She is not your priority.

    I think you are also in real danger of being around someone who isn't healthy for you. What she studies doesn't matter if she doesn't practice a little empathy. She shouldn't be telling you that she still has feelings for you or throwing you under the bus with those over-share comments and her feels when she knows you're vulnerable.

    Distance yourself from this person. You have her on a pedestal and you're feeling unsteady and appear vulnerable. I don't think she's a good influence on you. She needs to stop contacting you and stop giving you hope that this is going to work.

  11. #10
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    I'm sorry OP, but this is not likely to work out.

    She can't erase how she felt when you admittedly mistreated her. That is what lingers in her mind, and I think she doesn't have the heart to tell you that she doesn't want to try again.

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