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Thread: Worth a shot? Not worth a shot?

  1. #1
    Member FrozenMoon's Avatar
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    Worth a shot? Not worth a shot?

    Long story short, I went to a public event early 2014 where I met a bunch of people that would turn out to be a very dear group of friends for me. Among them was a guy that I've considered attractive from the start. We didn't talk one on one all that much at first, but we eventually began texting frequently, played online games together, and one time he invited me over to watch some movies together with him. Looking back at our interactions now, I have very strong suspicions that the attraction was mutual. But at the time I was 16, young and inexperienced, and didn't dare to ever bring it up. :P

    Eventually we stopped communicating as actively, it just kind of naturally died down. Fast forward to 2018, we out of the blue had a conversation again, he casually invited me over and I visited him again. It was fun, but I noticed that it kept feeling a little awkward. Conversation ran, but not smoothly. It felt like we missed a real click.
    No longer that young, 20 year old me should've known better, but I was too concerned with me 'having butchered' the conversation that day and I was afraid he wouldn't agree to meet up a second time, so I didn't ask. That was all the interaction we had that year.

    Fast forward to early 2020, and the entire group got back together and him and me have been talking again one on one too. It's been 6 years since I met him, and obviously he and I have both changed over time. Whenever we do talk, conversation sometimes goes well, but sometimes runs flat entirely. It generally remains superficial. I feel like he wants to try to get a good conversation going, and as do I, but we somehow just can't work it out. That click I talked about just still isn't there.

    See, I'm still attracted to him, and I was considering taking initiative this time and inviting him over. Problem is I feel like no matter how conversations pass, they aren't getting any better. It doesn't feel right to break a minute of silence only to ask him "hey, would you like to make plans" out of completely nowhere. It's weird. I want to make this work, but I'm starting to fear that maybe we just don't match that well. Meanwhile, the other half of my brain is convinced I'm only telling myself that as an excuse to stay away from the risk of messing up another conversation.

    I don't know. Should I let it go? Should I give this another try? Can we improve when we're both trying to make the conversation work but it just isn't happening? Again, I've known him for six years, where (apart from the first year) we've mostly just had spikes of contact. I don't know if I'm drawing conclusions too soon.


    Edit: I don't know if this is the right subforum, but I figured this mostly has to do with conversation and that this subforum would hence be the best match for it.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    If you aren't clicking, why do you want to make this work?

    Also, in my personal experience, guys aren't that complicated - if they actually want to date you, they ask and if they aren't really interested, they don't. You might be confusing him being friendly with something more just because you have this lingering interest in him.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Emotional attraction is just as important as physical attraction...if he don't stimulate your brain, this is going to fall flat on it's face. Being 16 any guy that is decent looking giving you attention will make you think you are "clicking" that's how a 16 year olds brain works. Your brain has had 6 years to develop into a mind of an adult...the mental attraction won't be there...you are a different person. Your whole perspective about what you like and don't like is has changed. And this is what has happened. What you thought you had with him back then, is no longer there...all you are going to be doing is chasing after those old long ago feelings to reoccur. If it doesn't feel like where you left off, it's not going to happen.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    If you aren't clicking, why do you want to make this work?

    Also, in my personal experience, guys aren't that complicated - if they actually want to date you, they ask and if they aren't really interested, they don't. You might be confusing him being friendly with something more just because you have this lingering interest in him.
    I whole heartedly agree with this. A guy that is interested makes it known or he's just not that interested.

    It sucks. I know. I have been there. Appreciate him as good friend. Take the pressure off yourself. Be yourself. If it gets awkward in a conversation, end the call, walk away, engage another person in the group.

    In other words treat him like anyone else and if anything is to come of it, let it be his idea.

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  6. #5
    Member FrozenMoon's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    If you aren't clicking, why do you want to make this work?

    Also, in my personal experience, guys aren't that complicated - if they actually want to date you, they ask and if they aren't really interested, they don't. You might be confusing him being friendly with something more just because you have this lingering interest in him.
    Haha, yeah, you make a good point. What mostly stuck with me from all these years ago was how nervous he was inviting me over. That, alongside a few other things have given me the image in hindsight that maybe there was something going on there, but I've 1. never confirmed this and 2. we've been out of touch for years afterwards. I have nothing, nothing at all, to go by now. He might not have any interest and for all I know there never was any to begin with.

    The reason I think this bothers me so much is the uncertainty. I'd rather just have a solid no than to be stuck in my mind with could've beens and should've dones, so I figured trying to take initiative there was the only way to find out. Honestly, I think that's also why I still want to 'make this work', as whenever we fail to keep a conversation flowing I feel like there are things I could or should have said instead. If there was any way for me to definitely distinguish between it just needing time or our compatibility being the problem, that'd be all I need. I'm absolutely attracted to him, but I've little emotional attachment at the moment, and at least then I would know whether to give it a little more effort or just drop it and move on.


    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Emotional attraction is just as important as physical attraction...if he don't stimulate your brain, this is going to fall flat on it's face. Being 16 any guy that is decent looking giving you attention will make you think you are "clicking" that's how a 16 year olds brain works. Your brain has had 6 years to develop into a mind of an adult...the mental attraction won't be there...you are a different person. Your whole perspective about what you like and don't like is has changed. And this is what has happened. What you thought you had with him back then, is no longer there...all you are going to be doing is chasing after those old long ago feelings to reoccur. If it doesn't feel like where you left off, it's not going to happen.
    Dang. Yeah, things are much different than they used to be. My mind's stuck on the idea that we had that connection back in the day, and that if I had acted on it then, everything would've worked out just fine. Of course, that is a silly assumption to make, and I've nothing to back it up. I can't go back into the past and try it now. In the years we did not talk, I'd frankly forgotten about it all, but now he's back in my life and we've started interacting again. I didn't go back into this friendship with the idea that maybe I could get more out of it, but it's starting to resurface now, with the unfortunate difference that our communication isn't as good as it was back in the day.

    I might be chasing after something from the past. The fact we consistently see each other again after x years just makes me feel like I'm missing opportunities again and again. Maybe I'm just too late, or maybe it wouldn't have worked out anyway. Maybe even if it did we would've grown apart regardless. But yes, this is what I feared.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You know now though that teenage romances don't last. Even if you had been more forward back then or he had been more forward back then, it wouldn't have been a fairy tale where you two fall madly in love and ride off into the sunset and lifetime of marital bliss. In reality you might have awkwardly dated for a bit and broken up because that really sums up teenage romance.

    I don't think that it's helpful to you today in the present to create this mystery, this story of could'a should'a would'a. Also, today you are both adults and have changed a lot. He STILL isn't asking and now it's not teenage inexperience. You say that you need clarity, but clarity is staring you in the face through his actions or rather lack of actions, it's just not the answer you want.

  8. #7
    Member FrozenMoon's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    You know now though that teenage romances don't last. Even if you had been more forward back then or he had been more forward back then, it wouldn't have been a fairy tale where you two fall madly in love and ride off into the sunset and lifetime of marital bliss. In reality you might have awkwardly dated for a bit and broken up because that really sums up teenage romance.

    I don't think that it's helpful to you today in the present to create this mystery, this story of could'a should'a would'a. Also, today you are both adults and have changed a lot. He STILL isn't asking and now it's not teenage inexperience. You say that you need clarity, but clarity is staring you in the face through his actions or rather lack of actions, it's just not the answer you want.
    I'll be honest, that first paragraph made me laugh a little, if only from how true it is. I have a few friends who dated in their teenage years and are still together, but I know they are the rare exception. The teenage romances I did personally experience only lasted a few months at most, and more often than not just left behind a mess. I guess looking at it that way, it's maybe better it didn't happen.

    Overall, I see your point. I suppose it's best I just continue treating him as a friend without going out of my way to try and make into anything else. I'll just focus on enjoying the company of that friend group as a whole, and seek my relationships elsewhere. Thank you for your honest thoughts.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by FrozenMoon
    I'll be honest, that first paragraph made me laugh a little, if only from how true it is. I have a few friends who dated in their teenage years and are still together, but I know they are the rare exception. The teenage romances I did personally experience only lasted a few months at most, and more often than not just left behind a mess. I guess looking at it that way, it's maybe better it didn't happen.

    Overall, I see your point. I suppose it's best I just continue treating him as a friend without going out of my way to try and make into anything else. I'll just focus on enjoying the company of that friend group as a whole, and seek my relationships elsewhere. Thank you for your honest thoughts.
    Probably a very wise choice in the long run. Consider also that when you have a friend group and end up dating within that group, when the relationship goes south, things get very very messy and you tend to lose the whole group or it just gets really awkward for everyone trying to stay friends yet keep you guys separate. I mean if this was really mutual massive sparks and huge potential, it would be different, but when it's so barely lukewarm and you already use terms like "make it work"....the right relationship, the right person just isn't this hard, murky and confusing and you really don't need to make the right relationship work. It works from the get go. It's just easy.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He doesn't sound interested. Time to move on. Best thing to do is stop communicating with him and leave that friendship in the past. Focus on new friendships and meet new people. I think you're reminiscent of the past and wistful but know when to say no and close chapters that no longer add value to your life going forward.

  11. #10
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    It doesn't sound like you are compatible. I would find someone you have a better connection with.

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