Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 22

Thread: Struggling chapter 2 lol

  1. #1
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    473

    Struggling chapter 2 lol

    A little follow up to my original thread “Struggling”. For the sake of processing in more detail and logging my thoughts:

    5 years. I just broke it off...

    When I met her I was as close to being my “best self” as I ever was in my life. She was going through some crap. I felt that my strength, stability and confidence could help her so I tried to pull her out of the situation she was in. Took a chance, had her move in... This was in hopes for a happily ever after for the both of us.

    When we started dating and going out I did things like buy her gifts, take her on vacations, bring her flowers, introduce her to friends and family... almost always, she focused on a negative. “Does your sister like me”, “why did your friend look at me weird”, and just be shut down and upset the whole time. even our first Christmas together. I bought her some shoes (and a bunch of other nice gifts.) They were one half size too big. She completely shut down and ruined the day.

    Over the years, Got to the point where I would only take her out to eat once and a while because I didn’t want to deal with stress and conflict. Even then, more times than not it would result in some form of a fight “I love you, why don’t you love me” as we’re waiting for the food, and yielding those words like a weapon to slash at me. Or telling me that I was still not over my last relationship and rubbing that in my face which was far from the truth. Then it was “why don’t you ever want to do anything fun with me...”

    But it wasn’t “I love you”, it was instruction for me to say it back. I never once did. I don’t take that phrase lightly like a lot of other people. And I’m not a liar. If she loved me, she would have tried harder to just be a pleasant, decent happy person. Support me in my hobbies and other friendships instead of competing with them.

    When ever I would say “I’m going out with friends tomorrow” or something like that, you would not believe the ty look on her face. Sometimes followed by a little comment, “what time are you getting back?” or “who else is gonna be there?” Very subtle stuff... Then I would say, “is there an issue?” Her: “nope” then like clockwork, typically a day or two later. Fight “you would rather spend time with your friends then do stuff with me.”

    Of course I don’t want to go places with you anymore! You always make it miserable and start fights for no reason! Everyone is your enemy.

    She has actually said “I hate other people in general” on several occasions and almost seems proud of that. Guess what lady. Your in the wrong place! We are surrounded by them! But what a way to live!!

    Does she have good qualities. Yes. She is absolutely Gorgeous, complete loyal, we like the same style of music, she does laundry and dishes every day and picks up the house a little. She is strong willed and independent. Not a freeloader at all.

    I now know why it lasted 5 years though. I’m really in bad shape mentally over this breakup. I guess That’s why I kept avoiding it. It’s BAD. I don’t know what my feelings are or level of love is but the process of disconnecting/the bond (as unhealthy as it was) has got me a complete wreck. I should feel like a bird set free from a cage. I feel more broken-hearted than anything. Can’t see hope. Alone, scared and depressed.

    It’s crazy. I know I have so much going for me right now, house, good job, good friends. But I just don’t care.

    I’m close to rock bottom. It’s unreal.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,555
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry you're going through this, buddy. Internet hugs.

    I read your other thread, and in this one, I think, you've struck something critical to mine: that the reason this lasted 5 years has less to do with compatibility and love than personal fears and feelings that you were avoiding processing. Tough stuff, all that. Found myself in a version of those shoes a few years back—when, like you, I was on the cusp of 40 and untangling myself from a relationship that didn't make a whole lot of sense—and know how destabilizing it can be when a breakup doubles as a personal reckoning. Try to have some faith that you're not only going to get through all this, but in getting through it you're going to emerge stronger, more whole, and more authentically open and ready for a richer, sustainable connection.

    I can't help but see a correlation between her negativity and insecurity and your self-identity, when you met, of being in a stable, secure, confident place. Maybe this is a moment to get really vulnerable with yourself and explore that idea a bit—with compassion, not with judgement. What I mean? Well, it sounds like a major draw to her, aside from her being beautiful, is that she was, in both your eyes and her own, broken. Wanting to fix someone—or, as you put it, wanting to pull someone out of a situation—is often a sign of a lack of self-confidence, of simmering insecurities of our own. Secure people, all in all, don't invest in insecure. True confidence generally seeks the same level, rather than a broken mirror to reflect back a confident self-image, if that makes sense.

    You were still pretty fresh out of a formative romance when you met her, and it seems you two moved mighty quick, even when there were plenty of signs that she lacked a lot of what you—or, really, anyone—would need to be in a longterm romance. The irony, of course, is that someone less broken—the kind of woman, I think, you actually want to commit to—would be less likely to spend the time she spent with a man (you) who was emotionally on the fence, uncertain of whether her loved her. So in ways, perhaps, you two "worked" because you validated some qualities and unclaimed baggage in the other that needed working through, sorting. That kind of dynamic comes with a shelf life, and is generally pretty volatile even before the expiration date is reached.

    As someone said in your other post, it sounds like you've spent a lot of time—and are still spending this time—trying to do her work, focusing on everything she needs to do to be sane, stable, whatever. I wonder if you can adjust the focus, and maybe see that reflex as a way of avoiding some work of your own, on yourself, that is overdue. Not fun, I know, but it's a rare thing when the universe forces our hand a bit, when we can no longer dodge ourselves through dissecting another. Embrace this as a moment to switch from her-fixing to you-fixing, and you'll look back on this experience with some gratitude. Hard to be miserable, I've found, when we're learning, growing, coming further into ourselves and opening up to others.

    There is another attractive woman out there—loads of them—who don't bring to the table this level of dysfunction. With such a woman you won't get the reward of pulling her up to some mythic place, but I think you've learned that reward is an illusion: a good story in our minds that reality will counter at every turn. You sound like an awesome guy, with a lot going for you—terrific. That's all real, still sparkling even in this dark moment. Take some time to feel and flail—mandatory in the wake of a breakup—and then take some time to polish some of your own rough edges, the ones this relationship maybe allowed you to ignore. You'll be thanking yourself sooner than you can imagine—and, I suspect, you'll find yourself enjoying a different mode of connection on the other side of this.

  3. #3
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    473
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry you're going through this, buddy. Internet hugs.

    I read your other thread, and in this one, I think, you've struck something critical to mine: that the reason this lasted 5 years has less to do with compatibility and love than personal fears and feelings that you were avoiding processing. Tough stuff, all that. Found myself in a version of those shoes a few years back—when, like you, I was on the cusp of 40 and untangling myself from a relationship that didn't make a whole lot of sense—and know how destabilizing it can be when a breakup doubles as a personal reckoning. Try to have some faith that you're not only going to get through all this, but in getting through it you're going to emerge stronger, more whole, and more authentically open and ready for a richer, sustainable connection.

    I can't help but see a correlation between her negativity and insecurity and your self-identity, when you met, of being in a stable, secure, confident place. Maybe this is a moment to get really vulnerable with yourself and explore that idea a bit—with compassion, not with judgement. What I mean? Well, it sounds like a major draw to her, aside from her being beautiful, is that she was, in both your eyes and her own, broken. Wanting to fix someone—or, as you put it, wanting to pull someone out of a situation—is often a sign of a lack of self-confidence, of simmering insecurities of our own. Secure people, all in all, don't invest in insecure. True confidence generally seeks the same level, rather than a broken mirror to reflect back a confident self-image, if that makes sense.

    You were still pretty fresh out of a formative romance when you met her, and it seems you two moved mighty quick, even when there were plenty of signs that she lacked a lot of what you—or, really, anyone—would need to be in a longterm romance. The irony, of course, is that someone less broken—the kind of woman, I think, you actually want to commit to—would be less likely to spend the time she spent with a man (you) who was emotionally on the fence, uncertain of whether her loved her. So in ways, perhaps, you two "worked" because you validated some qualities and unclaimed baggage in the other that needed working through, sorting. That kind of dynamic comes with a shelf life, and is generally pretty volatile even before the expiration date is reached.

    As someone said in your other post, it sounds like you've spent a lot of time—and are still spending this time—trying to do her work, focusing on everything she needs to do to be sane, stable, whatever. I wonder if you can adjust the focus, and maybe see that reflex as a way of avoiding some work of your own, on yourself, that is overdue. Not fun, I know, but it's a rare thing when the universe forces our hand a bit, when we can no longer dodge ourselves through dissecting another. Embrace this as a moment to switch from her-fixing to you-fixing, and you'll look back on this experience with some gratitude. Hard to be miserable, I've found, when we're learning, growing, coming further into ourselves and opening up to others.

    There is another attractive woman out there—loads of them—who don't bring to the table this level of dysfunction. With such a woman you won't get the reward of pulling her up to some mythic place, but I think you've learned that reward is an illusion: a good story in our minds that reality will counter at every turn. You sound like an awesome guy, with a lot going for you—terrific. That's all real, still sparkling even in this dark moment. Take some time to feel and flail—mandatory in the wake of a breakup—and then take some time to polish some of your own rough edges, the ones this relationship maybe allowed you to ignore. You'll be thanking yourself sooner than you can imagine—and, I suspect, you'll find yourself enjoying a different mode of connection on the other side of this.
    Thank you so much, very insightful. One thing I honestly struggle with is the “work on myself” part. I do not have a huge ego or am the type to often boast but... I always do my best and am very confident in that. I always do the right thing (at least 99% of the time)

    I mean, my level of Affection and thoughtfulness wore down pretty quick in this relationship. Her negativity extinguished the desire to put that kind of effort in though so I don’t think that’s my issue. Someone punches you in the face everyday, your gonna lose interest in hugging and kissing them, right? The negativity and miserable attitude repelled me.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,555
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Destroyed 33
    Thank you so much, very insightful. One thing I honestly struggle with is the “work on myself” part. I do not have a huge ego or am the type to often boast but... I always do my best and am very confident in that. I always do the right thing (at least 99% of the time).
    I hear you.

    But also? I hear you describing a 5 year relationship that, in your own telling, would have made more sense as something lasting five weeks, maybe five months: an emotional bruise rather than a bulldozer. When you're describing her best qualities as beauty and an appreciation of music you like—well, I'm sorry, but that's squinting to turn crumbs into a meal. It's a bit like saying a sports car is incredible because it looks great in the driveway and has a killer sound system, while the fact that it hardly starts and that, when it does, the brakes don't work, should be pretty clear that the car is not the thing to hop inside for a long trip.

    You actively chose to get repeatedly punched in the face, per your metaphor. Why? I ask that not with judgement, but simply because I think answering it, humbly, will be of benefit to you. Until you figure out why you made that choice and what you got out of that choice, rather than frame her the unhinged pugilist who depleted your reserves of confidence and affection, I think you're missing out on some self-understanding that will help steer your ship toward different waters: warmer and deeper, rather than hot and choppy.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    473
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I hear you.

    But also? I hear you describing a 5 year relationship that, in your own telling, would have made more sense as something lasting five weeks, maybe five months: an emotional bruise rather than a bulldozer. When you're describing her best qualities as beauty and an appreciation of music you like—well, I'm sorry, but that's squinting to turn crumbs into a meal. It's a bit like saying a sports car is incredible because it looks great in the driveway and has a killer sound system, while the fact that it hardly starts and that, when it does, the brakes don't work, should be pretty clear that the car is not the thing to hop inside for a long trip.

    You actively chose to get repeatedly punched in the face, per your metaphor. Why? I ask that not with judgement, but simply because I think answering it, humbly, will be of benefit to you. Until you figure out why you made that choice and what you got out of that choice, rather than frame her the unhinged pugilist who depleted your reserves of confidence and affection, I think you're missing out on some self-understanding that will help steer your ship toward different waters: warmer and deeper, rather than hot and choppy.
    I think you are right. I got some stuff to figure out about myself for sure. Bad blood with my mom? Idk.

    BUT on the other hand, I knew I was rolling the dice. It always is, right? I just wanted it to work because on paper, on the surface, we were perfect for each other. But I did want it to work so I kept trying by giving her time...

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,701
    Originally Posted by Destroyed 33
    Thank you so much, very insightful. One thing I honestly struggle with is the “work on myself” part. I do not have a huge ego or am the type to often boast but... I always do my best and am very confident in that. I always do the right thing (at least 99% of the time)

    I mean, my level of Affection and thoughtfulness wore down pretty quick in this relationship. Her negativity extinguished the desire to put that kind of effort in though so I don’t think that’s my issue. Someone punches you in the face everyday, your gonna lose interest in hugging and kissing them, right? The negativity and miserable attitude repelled me.
    I responded on your other thread to work on yourself. And I think Blue provides great insights.

    I wanted to add...

    It may be and I'm just guessing here.... because of the picture it created of you to the rest of the world. Although a relationship may be bad, we do stick with it because of some perceived benefits... And usually its some "lack" we do not address within ourselves. That's where working on yourself comes in...

    In your above response you say "You always do the right thing"

    but I ask you, for who?

    Why did you tolerate such horrible treatment for so long?

    When you are able to honestly answer those questions, it will shed some light on where to start.

    I know I've dated people, done things, made bad choices because:

    1. it painted me in the light that I wanted to see myself in

    2. as response to pressure from others (family, friends, society) to conform to their expectations of me,

    3. and or because I valued others' needs, opinions, and happiness above my own. And this would somehow get me the love & appreciation I craved or further adressed 1 or 2.

    None of it was really about my own true happiness or being a good person.

    At some point, I realized my life is all on me. What I don't change, I am accepting. And if that means walking away from someone, so be it.

  8. #7
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    473
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I responded on your other thread to work on yourself. And I think Blue provides great insights.

    I wanted to add...

    It may be and I'm just guessing here.... because of the picture it created of you to the rest of the world. Although a relationship may be bad, we do stick with it because of some perceived benefits... And usually its some "lack" we do not address within ourselves. That's where working on yourself comes in...

    In your above response you say "You always do the right thing"

    but I ask you, for who?

    Why did you tolerate such horrible treatment for so long?

    When you are able to honestly answer those questions, it will shed some light on where to start.

    I know I've dated people, done things, made bad choices because:

    1. it painted me in the light that I wanted to see myself in

    2. as response to pressure from others (family, friends, society) to conform to their expectations of me,

    3. and or because I valued others' needs, opinions, and happiness above my own. And this would somehow get me the love & appreciation I craved or further adressed 1 or 2.

    None of it was really about my own true happiness or being a good person.

    At some point, I realized my life is all on me. What I don't change, I am accepting. And if that means walking away from someone, so be it.
    Why do I try my best and do the right thing? Because that’s how I am. I can (usually) rest my head at night with the confidence of knowing I did my best to avoid hurting, stealing or lying to others. I don’t do good with guilt. It’s for myself and those I care about. Also strangers in the community. I try to be extra nice to even strangers Because I think it makes the world just a little better. That’s how I chose to live and karma treats me pretty damn good.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,701
    Originally Posted by Destroyed 33
    Why do I try my best and do the right thing? Because that’s how I am. I can (usually) rest my head at night with the confidence of knowing I did my best to avoid hurting, stealing or lying to others. I don’t do good with guilt. It’s for myself and those I care about. Also strangers in the community. I try to be extra nice to even strangers Because I think it makes the world just a little better. That’s how I chose to live and karma treats me pretty damn good.
    But what does that have to do with putting up with being treated poorly by your significant other?

    Was tolerating her behavior part of you doing the right thing? for her? for you?

    Are you saying you slept better at night because you made treating you poorly, comfortable for her and others you care about?

    Do you see what I'm getting at here?

  10. #9
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    473
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    But what does that have to do with putting up with being treated poorly by your significant other?

    Was tolerating her behavior part of you doing the right thing? for her? for you?

    Are you saying you slept better at night because you made treating you poorly, comfortable for her and others you care about?

    Do you see what I'm getting at here?
    Yes for sure. I crusified my self for the both of us I guess.

    A: so she didn’t get hurt or feel rejected

    B: so I did not have to deal with this extreme pain I am currently in

    Easier just to get pissed, let it go, do it again tomorrow.

    You are correct and although I knew it, I hid from it.

    But I was right also. This pain is 10x worse than I expected!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,555
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Destroyed 33
    BUT on the other hand, I knew I was rolling the dice. It always is, right? I just wanted it to work because on paper, on the surface, we were perfect for each other. But I did want it to work so I kept trying by giving her time...
    Sure, it's always a dice roll. Everything is, from a certain angle, including walking outside to get the mail. But we humans are generally pretty skilled at risk assessment and learning on the fly and from experience. We don't get the mail during a tornado, for instance, and if we go out to get it during a storm and end up pelted with hail? Well, we roll the dice a little differently next time a hailstorm rolls through, at least ideally.

    Back car metaphors. So, I recently bought an old truck—a dice roll. I'd decided on a model for some practical reasons (it has a feature perfect for surf boards) and some deeply impractical, or "emotional," ones (I think it's a very cool looking machine and I very much liked the idea of being "that guy" behind the wheel pulling up to the beach). It is a brand well-known for reliability—a plus. Still, old is old—a risk.

    So I looked at a few before pulling the trigger. Didn't go for the one with the oil leak, seductive as it was in ways that would have led the 25-year-old version of myself to ignore the leak or think I was macho or "good" enough to fix it. Didn't go for the clearly more functional ones that lacked the flair I was seeking. No, I waited (and waited, and waited) for another to pop up in the listings that was equally seductive, minus the leak. Yeah, it might break down on me—such is life—but all early signs signaled to me that the dice roll was a "sensible" one, that routine maintenance is all that's required for a good stretch. I drive her to the beach most days, a big grin on my face and not a worry about what's going on under the hood.

    Shopping for people to share space and our hearts with is different than shopping for a truck, of course. But maybe it doesn't have to be that different, if you dig? Some part of you saw the oil leak, right there on the showroom floor, and saw that as something you could fix, or something that could affirm an idea of yourself, rather than a risky investment or iffy table for rolling the dice. And then some part of you put up with a lot of engine troubles, for a good long while. That part of you, I think, is right now demanding some love and attention, from yourself. It's asking to be understood, rather than hid from, so future dice rolls are fueled by different variables.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Videos


How To Overcome A Divorce

Love Hormone Oxytocin Improves Stressful Relationships

Forgiveness Does Not Always Solve Relationship Problems

Too Much Commitment Can Destroy Romantic Relationship

Why Is It So Hard To Quit Smoking?

TV Romance Can Ruin Real-Life Relationships
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •