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Struggling chapter 2 lol


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A little follow up to my original thread “Struggling”. For the sake of processing in more detail and logging my thoughts:

 

5 years. I just broke it off...

 

When I met her I was as close to being my “best self” as I ever was in my life. She was going through some crap. I felt that my strength, stability and confidence could help her so I tried to pull her out of the situation she was in. Took a chance, had her move in... This was in hopes for a happily ever after for the both of us.

 

When we started dating and going out I did things like buy her gifts, take her on vacations, bring her flowers, introduce her to friends and family... almost always, she focused on a negative. “Does your sister like me”, “why did your friend look at me weird”, and just be shut down and upset the whole time. even our first Christmas together. I bought her some shoes (and a bunch of other nice gifts.) They were one half size too big. She completely shut down and ruined the day.

 

Over the years, Got to the point where I would only take her out to eat once and a while because I didn’t want to deal with stress and conflict. Even then, more times than not it would result in some form of a fight “I love you, why don’t you love me” as we’re waiting for the food, and yielding those words like a weapon to slash at me. Or telling me that I was still not over my last relationship and rubbing that in my face which was far from the truth. Then it was “why don’t you ever want to do anything fun with me...”

 

But it wasn’t “I love you”, it was instruction for me to say it back. I never once did. I don’t take that phrase lightly like a lot of other people. And I’m not a liar. If she loved me, she would have tried harder to just be a pleasant, decent happy person. Support me in my hobbies and other friendships instead of competing with them.

 

When ever I would say “I’m going out with friends tomorrow” or something like that, you would not believe the ty look on her face. Sometimes followed by a little comment, “what time are you getting back?” or “who else is gonna be there?” Very subtle stuff... Then I would say, “is there an issue?” Her: “nope” then like clockwork, typically a day or two later. Fight “you would rather spend time with your friends then do stuff with me.”

 

Of course I don’t want to go places with you anymore! You always make it miserable and start fights for no reason! Everyone is your enemy.

 

She has actually said “I hate other people in general” on several occasions and almost seems proud of that. Guess what lady. Your in the wrong place! We are surrounded by them! But what a way to live!!

 

Does she have good qualities. Yes. She is absolutely Gorgeous, complete loyal, we like the same style of music, she does laundry and dishes every day and picks up the house a little. She is strong willed and independent. Not a freeloader at all.

 

I now know why it lasted 5 years though. I’m really in bad shape mentally over this breakup. I guess That’s why I kept avoiding it. It’s BAD. I don’t know what my feelings are or level of love is but the process of disconnecting/the bond (as unhealthy as it was) has got me a complete wreck. I should feel like a bird set free from a cage. I feel more broken-hearted than anything. Can’t see hope. Alone, scared and depressed.

 

It’s crazy. I know I have so much going for me right now, house, good job, good friends. But I just don’t care.

 

I’m close to rock bottom. It’s unreal.

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Sorry you're going through this, buddy. Internet hugs.

 

I read your other thread, and in this one, I think, you've struck something critical to mine: that the reason this lasted 5 years has less to do with compatibility and love than personal fears and feelings that you were avoiding processing. Tough stuff, all that. Found myself in a version of those shoes a few years back—when, like you, I was on the cusp of 40 and untangling myself from a relationship that didn't make a whole lot of sense—and know how destabilizing it can be when a breakup doubles as a personal reckoning. Try to have some faith that you're not only going to get through all this, but in getting through it you're going to emerge stronger, more whole, and more authentically open and ready for a richer, sustainable connection.

 

I can't help but see a correlation between her negativity and insecurity and your self-identity, when you met, of being in a stable, secure, confident place. Maybe this is a moment to get really vulnerable with yourself and explore that idea a bit—with compassion, not with judgement. What I mean? Well, it sounds like a major draw to her, aside from her being beautiful, is that she was, in both your eyes and her own, broken. Wanting to fix someone—or, as you put it, wanting to pull someone out of a situation—is often a sign of a lack of self-confidence, of simmering insecurities of our own. Secure people, all in all, don't invest in insecure. True confidence generally seeks the same level, rather than a broken mirror to reflect back a confident self-image, if that makes sense.

 

You were still pretty fresh out of a formative romance when you met her, and it seems you two moved mighty quick, even when there were plenty of signs that she lacked a lot of what you—or, really, anyone—would need to be in a longterm romance. The irony, of course, is that someone less broken—the kind of woman, I think, you actually want to commit to—would be less likely to spend the time she spent with a man (you) who was emotionally on the fence, uncertain of whether her loved her. So in ways, perhaps, you two "worked" because you validated some qualities and unclaimed baggage in the other that needed working through, sorting. That kind of dynamic comes with a shelf life, and is generally pretty volatile even before the expiration date is reached.

 

As someone said in your other post, it sounds like you've spent a lot of time—and are still spending this time—trying to do her work, focusing on everything she needs to do to be sane, stable, whatever. I wonder if you can adjust the focus, and maybe see that reflex as a way of avoiding some work of your own, on yourself, that is overdue. Not fun, I know, but it's a rare thing when the universe forces our hand a bit, when we can no longer dodge ourselves through dissecting another. Embrace this as a moment to switch from her-fixing to you-fixing, and you'll look back on this experience with some gratitude. Hard to be miserable, I've found, when we're learning, growing, coming further into ourselves and opening up to others.

 

There is another attractive woman out there—loads of them—who don't bring to the table this level of dysfunction. With such a woman you won't get the reward of pulling her up to some mythic place, but I think you've learned that reward is an illusion: a good story in our minds that reality will counter at every turn. You sound like an awesome guy, with a lot going for you—terrific. That's all real, still sparkling even in this dark moment. Take some time to feel and flail—mandatory in the wake of a breakup—and then take some time to polish some of your own rough edges, the ones this relationship maybe allowed you to ignore. You'll be thanking yourself sooner than you can imagine—and, I suspect, you'll find yourself enjoying a different mode of connection on the other side of this.

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Sorry you're going through this, buddy. Internet hugs.

 

I read your other thread, and in this one, I think, you've struck something critical to mine: that the reason this lasted 5 years has less to do with compatibility and love than personal fears and feelings that you were avoiding processing. Tough stuff, all that. Found myself in a version of those shoes a few years back—when, like you, I was on the cusp of 40 and untangling myself from a relationship that didn't make a whole lot of sense—and know how destabilizing it can be when a breakup doubles as a personal reckoning. Try to have some faith that you're not only going to get through all this, but in getting through it you're going to emerge stronger, more whole, and more authentically open and ready for a richer, sustainable connection.

 

I can't help but see a correlation between her negativity and insecurity and your self-identity, when you met, of being in a stable, secure, confident place. Maybe this is a moment to get really vulnerable with yourself and explore that idea a bit—with compassion, not with judgement. What I mean? Well, it sounds like a major draw to her, aside from her being beautiful, is that she was, in both your eyes and her own, broken. Wanting to fix someone—or, as you put it, wanting to pull someone out of a situation—is often a sign of a lack of self-confidence, of simmering insecurities of our own. Secure people, all in all, don't invest in insecure. True confidence generally seeks the same level, rather than a broken mirror to reflect back a confident self-image, if that makes sense.

 

You were still pretty fresh out of a formative romance when you met her, and it seems you two moved mighty quick, even when there were plenty of signs that she lacked a lot of what you—or, really, anyone—would need to be in a longterm romance. The irony, of course, is that someone less broken—the kind of woman, I think, you actually want to commit to—would be less likely to spend the time she spent with a man (you) who was emotionally on the fence, uncertain of whether her loved her. So in ways, perhaps, you two "worked" because you validated some qualities and unclaimed baggage in the other that needed working through, sorting. That kind of dynamic comes with a shelf life, and is generally pretty volatile even before the expiration date is reached.

 

As someone said in your other post, it sounds like you've spent a lot of time—and are still spending this time—trying to do her work, focusing on everything she needs to do to be sane, stable, whatever. I wonder if you can adjust the focus, and maybe see that reflex as a way of avoiding some work of your own, on yourself, that is overdue. Not fun, I know, but it's a rare thing when the universe forces our hand a bit, when we can no longer dodge ourselves through dissecting another. Embrace this as a moment to switch from her-fixing to you-fixing, and you'll look back on this experience with some gratitude. Hard to be miserable, I've found, when we're learning, growing, coming further into ourselves and opening up to others.

 

There is another attractive woman out there—loads of them—who don't bring to the table this level of dysfunction. With such a woman you won't get the reward of pulling her up to some mythic place, but I think you've learned that reward is an illusion: a good story in our minds that reality will counter at every turn. You sound like an awesome guy, with a lot going for you—terrific. That's all real, still sparkling even in this dark moment. Take some time to feel and flail—mandatory in the wake of a breakup—and then take some time to polish some of your own rough edges, the ones this relationship maybe allowed you to ignore. You'll be thanking yourself sooner than you can imagine—and, I suspect, you'll find yourself enjoying a different mode of connection on the other side of this.

 

Thank you so much, very insightful. One thing I honestly struggle with is the “work on myself” part. I do not have a huge ego or am the type to often boast but... I always do my best and am very confident in that. I always do the right thing (at least 99% of the time)

 

I mean, my level of Affection and thoughtfulness wore down pretty quick in this relationship. Her negativity extinguished the desire to put that kind of effort in though so I don’t think that’s my issue. Someone punches you in the face everyday, your gonna lose interest in hugging and kissing them, right? The negativity and miserable attitude repelled me.

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Thank you so much, very insightful. One thing I honestly struggle with is the “work on myself” part. I do not have a huge ego or am the type to often boast but... I always do my best and am very confident in that. I always do the right thing (at least 99% of the time).

 

I hear you.

 

But also? I hear you describing a 5 year relationship that, in your own telling, would have made more sense as something lasting five weeks, maybe five months: an emotional bruise rather than a bulldozer. When you're describing her best qualities as beauty and an appreciation of music you like—well, I'm sorry, but that's squinting to turn crumbs into a meal. It's a bit like saying a sports car is incredible because it looks great in the driveway and has a killer sound system, while the fact that it hardly starts and that, when it does, the brakes don't work, should be pretty clear that the car is not the thing to hop inside for a long trip.

 

You actively chose to get repeatedly punched in the face, per your metaphor. Why? I ask that not with judgement, but simply because I think answering it, humbly, will be of benefit to you. Until you figure out why you made that choice and what you got out of that choice, rather than frame her the unhinged pugilist who depleted your reserves of confidence and affection, I think you're missing out on some self-understanding that will help steer your ship toward different waters: warmer and deeper, rather than hot and choppy.

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I hear you.

 

But also? I hear you describing a 5 year relationship that, in your own telling, would have made more sense as something lasting five weeks, maybe five months: an emotional bruise rather than a bulldozer. When you're describing her best qualities as beauty and an appreciation of music you like—well, I'm sorry, but that's squinting to turn crumbs into a meal. It's a bit like saying a sports car is incredible because it looks great in the driveway and has a killer sound system, while the fact that it hardly starts and that, when it does, the brakes don't work, should be pretty clear that the car is not the thing to hop inside for a long trip.

 

You actively chose to get repeatedly punched in the face, per your metaphor. Why? I ask that not with judgement, but simply because I think answering it, humbly, will be of benefit to you. Until you figure out why you made that choice and what you got out of that choice, rather than frame her the unhinged pugilist who depleted your reserves of confidence and affection, I think you're missing out on some self-understanding that will help steer your ship toward different waters: warmer and deeper, rather than hot and choppy.

 

I think you are right. I got some stuff to figure out about myself for sure. Bad blood with my mom? Idk.

 

BUT on the other hand, I knew I was rolling the dice. It always is, right? I just wanted it to work because on paper, on the surface, we were perfect for each other. But I did want it to work so I kept trying by giving her time...

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Thank you so much, very insightful. One thing I honestly struggle with is the “work on myself” part. I do not have a huge ego or am the type to often boast but... I always do my best and am very confident in that. I always do the right thing (at least 99% of the time)

 

I mean, my level of Affection and thoughtfulness wore down pretty quick in this relationship. Her negativity extinguished the desire to put that kind of effort in though so I don’t think that’s my issue. Someone punches you in the face everyday, your gonna lose interest in hugging and kissing them, right? The negativity and miserable attitude repelled me.

I responded on your other thread to work on yourself. And I think Blue provides great insights.

 

I wanted to add...

 

It may be and I'm just guessing here.... because of the picture it created of you to the rest of the world. Although a relationship may be bad, we do stick with it because of some perceived benefits... And usually its some "lack" we do not address within ourselves. That's where working on yourself comes in...

 

In your above response you say "You always do the right thing"

 

but I ask you, for who?

 

Why did you tolerate such horrible treatment for so long?

 

When you are able to honestly answer those questions, it will shed some light on where to start.

 

I know I've dated people, done things, made bad choices because:

 

1. it painted me in the light that I wanted to see myself in

 

2. as response to pressure from others (family, friends, society) to conform to their expectations of me,

 

3. and or because I valued others' needs, opinions, and happiness above my own. And this would somehow get me the love & appreciation I craved or further adressed 1 or 2.

 

None of it was really about my own true happiness or being a good person.

 

At some point, I realized my life is all on me. What I don't change, I am accepting. And if that means walking away from someone, so be it.

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I responded on your other thread to work on yourself. And I think Blue provides great insights.

 

I wanted to add...

 

It may be and I'm just guessing here.... because of the picture it created of you to the rest of the world. Although a relationship may be bad, we do stick with it because of some perceived benefits... And usually its some "lack" we do not address within ourselves. That's where working on yourself comes in...

 

In your above response you say "You always do the right thing"

 

but I ask you, for who?

 

Why did you tolerate such horrible treatment for so long?

 

When you are able to honestly answer those questions, it will shed some light on where to start.

 

I know I've dated people, done things, made bad choices because:

 

1. it painted me in the light that I wanted to see myself in

 

2. as response to pressure from others (family, friends, society) to conform to their expectations of me,

 

3. and or because I valued others' needs, opinions, and happiness above my own. And this would somehow get me the love & appreciation I craved or further adressed 1 or 2.

 

None of it was really about my own true happiness or being a good person.

 

At some point, I realized my life is all on me. What I don't change, I am accepting. And if that means walking away from someone, so be it.

 

Why do I try my best and do the right thing? Because that’s how I am. I can (usually) rest my head at night with the confidence of knowing I did my best to avoid hurting, stealing or lying to others. I don’t do good with guilt. It’s for myself and those I care about. Also strangers in the community. I try to be extra nice to even strangers Because I think it makes the world just a little better. That’s how I chose to live and karma treats me pretty damn good.

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Why do I try my best and do the right thing? Because that’s how I am. I can (usually) rest my head at night with the confidence of knowing I did my best to avoid hurting, stealing or lying to others. I don’t do good with guilt. It’s for myself and those I care about. Also strangers in the community. I try to be extra nice to even strangers Because I think it makes the world just a little better. That’s how I chose to live and karma treats me pretty damn good.
But what does that have to do with putting up with being treated poorly by your significant other?

 

Was tolerating her behavior part of you doing the right thing? for her? for you?

 

Are you saying you slept better at night because you made treating you poorly, comfortable for her and others you care about?

 

Do you see what I'm getting at here?

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But what does that have to do with putting up with being treated poorly by your significant other?

 

Was tolerating her behavior part of you doing the right thing? for her? for you?

 

Are you saying you slept better at night because you made treating you poorly, comfortable for her and others you care about?

 

Do you see what I'm getting at here?

 

Yes for sure. I crusified my self for the both of us I guess.

 

A: so she didn’t get hurt or feel rejected

 

B: so I did not have to deal with this extreme pain I am currently in

 

Easier just to get pissed, let it go, do it again tomorrow.

 

You are correct and although I knew it, I hid from it.

 

But I was right also. This pain is 10x worse than I expected!

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BUT on the other hand, I knew I was rolling the dice. It always is, right? I just wanted it to work because on paper, on the surface, we were perfect for each other. But I did want it to work so I kept trying by giving her time...

 

Sure, it's always a dice roll. Everything is, from a certain angle, including walking outside to get the mail. But we humans are generally pretty skilled at risk assessment and learning on the fly and from experience. We don't get the mail during a tornado, for instance, and if we go out to get it during a storm and end up pelted with hail? Well, we roll the dice a little differently next time a hailstorm rolls through, at least ideally.

 

Back car metaphors. So, I recently bought an old truck—a dice roll. I'd decided on a model for some practical reasons (it has a feature perfect for surf boards) and some deeply impractical, or "emotional," ones (I think it's a very cool looking machine and I very much liked the idea of being "that guy" behind the wheel pulling up to the beach). It is a brand well-known for reliability—a plus. Still, old is old—a risk.

 

So I looked at a few before pulling the trigger. Didn't go for the one with the oil leak, seductive as it was in ways that would have led the 25-year-old version of myself to ignore the leak or think I was macho or "good" enough to fix it. Didn't go for the clearly more functional ones that lacked the flair I was seeking. No, I waited (and waited, and waited) for another to pop up in the listings that was equally seductive, minus the leak. Yeah, it might break down on me—such is life—but all early signs signaled to me that the dice roll was a "sensible" one, that routine maintenance is all that's required for a good stretch. I drive her to the beach most days, a big grin on my face and not a worry about what's going on under the hood.

 

Shopping for people to share space and our hearts with is different than shopping for a truck, of course. But maybe it doesn't have to be that different, if you dig? Some part of you saw the oil leak, right there on the showroom floor, and saw that as something you could fix, or something that could affirm an idea of yourself, rather than a risky investment or iffy table for rolling the dice. And then some part of you put up with a lot of engine troubles, for a good long while. That part of you, I think, is right now demanding some love and attention, from yourself. It's asking to be understood, rather than hid from, so future dice rolls are fueled by different variables.

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Yes for sure. I crusified my self for the both of us I guess.

 

A: so she didn’t get hurt or feel rejected

 

B: so I did not have to deal with this extreme pain I am currently in

 

Easier just to get pissed, let it go, do it again tomorrow.

 

You are correct and although I knew it, I hid from it.

 

But I was right also. This pain is 10x worse than I expected!

Right.

 

I'm sorry. I know it hurts. But! there is a good lesson in here... had you put your foot down and not tolerated her bad behavior, the relationship may have ended sooner and you would have not been as invested as you are now, hence less pain.

 

Loving yourself enough. Recognizing "I try to do the right things, therefore, I deserve to be with someone that ALSO does the right things, is the right thing all the way around"

 

When you stop tolerating and challenge the person to do better by you, you get one of two things:

 

1. they step up and treat you better

 

2. they go away and you find better

 

So the work you need to focus on is to value yourself and what you have to offer. You deserve better.

 

Its hard and it takes courage to set and keep boundaries, but they save you from the pain you're in right now.

 

It is easier to stay strong, than it is to get strong. In time, you will heal. Wirk on your confidence and when you're feeling better, you'll meet someone else. recognize broken people and stay away from them.... You can't fix anyone.

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Google codependence. People who stay in bad relationships and have a really hard time letting relationships go have this issue, which in a nutshell is an unhealthy attachment style driven by any number of personal factors.

 

Consider also that going out of your way to be extra nice to strangers isn't so noble, but really quite fake and disingenuous. Food for thought.

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She’s loading up her car!!!! Is this a big mistake! My heart is being ripped in two!!!! My dog is watching out the window wondering what’s going on!!! What am doing!!!

 

Oh come on. Do you really want to be slapped in the face more? Ending what isn't and was never right is NOT a mistake, it's the only right course of action. Your pride yourself so much on doing what's right even if it's not easy - well this IS what's right. Stop watching her and maybe step out for a bit so you aren't working yourself into a lather.

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Oh come on. Do you really want to be slapped in the face more? Ending what isn't and was never right is NOT a mistake, it's the only right course of action. Your pride yourself so much on doing what's right even if it's not easy - well this IS what's right. Stop watching her and maybe step out for a bit so you aren't working yourself into a lather.

 

Yeah I left. Was too hard to be there. I’m so emotionally messed up.

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Yeah I left. Was too hard to be there. I’m so emotionally messed up.

 

You aren't really though. Do yourself a favor and look up codependence - it will help you a lot to sort yourself and your emotions out. Maybe answer some questions on why you feel this way and that you aren't alone and that there are ways to deal, help yourself, most importantly help balance yourself better in the future in terms of choosing romantic partners. It's called learning to let go because...well....everyone has to learn that and once you go through that learning, it won't be so hard next time. Plus it helps you make better choices at large.

 

Also, rather than fixating on her, focus on pretty much anything else right now. Walking and playing with your dog, call a friend, do something you like, laugh at something. Diffuse that tension and fear with other thoughts and yes, that means you have to force your brain a bit - exercise your willpower for your benefit. It may only last a few seconds, but it's important to interrupt negative spiral thinking. The more you interrupt it, the easier it gets and the less you'll spiral. Again, I know it's not easy, but just do it.

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You aren't really though. Do yourself a favor and look up codependence - it will help you a lot to sort yourself and your emotions out. Maybe answer some questions on why you feel this way and that you aren't alone and that there are ways to deal, help yourself, most importantly help balance yourself better in the future in terms of choosing romantic partners. It's called learning to let go because...well....everyone has to learn that and once you go through that learning, it won't be so hard next time. Plus it helps you make better choices at large.

 

 

Also, rather than fixating on her, focus on pretty much anything else right now. Walking and playing with your dog, call a friend, do something you like, laugh at something. Diffuse that tension and fear with other thoughts and yes, that means you have to force your brain a bit - exercise your willpower for your benefit. It may only last a few seconds, but it's important to interrupt negative spiral thinking. The more you interrupt it, the easier it gets and the less you'll spiral. Again, I know it's not easy, but just do it.

 

Thank you again. It ain’t my first rodeo so at least I know what to expect. I am trying, very hard.

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Man that was hard watching her load her car. Almost caved. Wow. Amazing how twisted your thoughts can get.
one of the things that always helps me, is to not put so much pressure on any one thing... she didnt die. In time things won't sting so bad. Its ok to take a step back and just observe. knee jerk reactions, responding in tense moments usually highlights one's fears, not one's hopes.

 

Hope she heals. Hope you heal. Hope you both end up better for having known each other and the rest will take care of itself.

 

Now would be good time for you to be good to yourself... maybe get some ice cream [emoji4]

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one of the things that always helps me, is to not put so much pressure on any one thing... she didnt die. In time things won't sting so bad. Its ok to take a step back and just observe. knee jerk reactions, responding in tense moments usually highlights one's fears, not one's hopes.

 

Hope she heals. Hope you heal. Hope you both end up better for having known each other and the rest will take care of itself.

 

Now would be good time for you to be good to yourself... maybe get some ice cream [emoji4]

 

I appreciate it but I’m lucky to force down a granola bar and protein drink per day. Sever depression right now and I got a tough climb out of this hole. Time...

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I appreciate it but I’m lucky to force down a granola bar and protein drink per day. Sever depression right now and I got a tough climb out of this hole. Time...

 

1) Exercise - endorphins and releases negative energy

2) take your dog to different parks daily - exercise plus change of scenery lifts mood

3) lean on friends and family to talk to, distract, etc.

4) lean on hobbies and if you don't have any, make a list of things to try once virus stuff is over - again new adventures lift mood

5) change your home, meaning move furniture around, redecorate, make it yours - it will make you feel better and keep you busy and changed environment lifts mood

6) watch or listen to something that makes you laugh - yes it really does help elevate your mood

 

Do allow yourself to feel bad at times but put a limit on that. Then go do one of the above or focus on something else like work. Think of these emotions like waves. Allow the bad to wash over you but then change focus forcefully. Your brain can only think about one thing at a time. So if you don't disrupt the "I'm so sad" narrative, you'll get stuck. The hole is only as deep as you tell yourself.....make it more shallow....

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1) Exercise - endorphins and releases negative energy

2) take your dog to different parks daily - exercise plus change of scenery lifts mood

3) lean on friends and family to talk to, distract, etc.

4) lean on hobbies and if you don't have any, make a list of things to try once virus stuff is over - again new adventures lift mood

5) change your home, meaning move furniture around, redecorate, make it yours - it will make you feel better and keep you busy and changed environment lifts mood

6) watch or listen to something that makes you laugh - yes it really does help elevate your mood

 

Do allow yourself to feel bad at times but put a limit on that. Then go do one of the above or focus on something else like work. Think of these emotions like waves. Allow the bad to wash over you but then change focus forcefully. Your brain can only think about one thing at a time. So if you don't disrupt the "I'm so sad" narrative, you'll get stuck. The hole is only as deep as you tell yourself.....make it more shallow....

 

All you guys are awesome. Can’t thank you enough. She’s still here moving out throughout the weekend so I can’t even really start to live this new life until she’s out (and I know I’m lucky she didn’t try to draw it out)

 

My good good friend has been an angel. He makes me go fishing with him and go to his house to do projects. But yeah, once she’s gone, tons of cleaning, rearranging, house projects, dog walks, dog park... just gotta wait to start and get into that groove.

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