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Thread: Do I say anything to my soon to be sister-in-law? or let it be?

  1. #1

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    Do I say anything to my soon to be sister-in-law? or let it be?

    Hi there,

    New to this forum, but I'll jump right into it. My soon to be sister-in-law and I do not have the best relationship to say the least, that is she'd never divulge what I know. To state some back story, I've done a lot to try and be a good potential brother-in-law, and have felt I've jumped through many hoops to prove my worth that I am a good man and would do right by her. Alas I'm mostly invisible to her and for my own sake and because I deserve better than to be mostly ignored, I choose not to involve myself in her life much anymore. With that out of the way, my fiancé wants to keep me in the loop about things and is forthcoming of her family's affairs. I was told earlier last week of something troubling. She (my soon to be SIL) had been dating this guy for a number of years and thought they were each others "one", but he ended up being very bull-headed and his behavior was coming into question near the end of their relationship. Yes, on Valentine's Day no less, they broke up (she broke it off), but he cannot get over it. He's shown up randomly to her home, wouldn't stop sending e-mails and letters, and has had flowers delivered to her home and her workplace.

    We thought the worst was over, but he kept finding excuses to get her to listen to him or have him come over to "talk", which the last time ended up with him putting his hands on her and trying to force-kiss her. Her family has become distraught and quite frustrated by the whole situation, as am I. We hadn't heard from "David" (name changed for anonymity) in over a month when the worst part to happen came up last week. We thought he was out of the picture but he e-mailed her out of the blue telling her that he "finally" sold his old place and NOW lives... yup, a few streets away from her. Call me paranoid, but we are all not ok with this, my soon to be SIL does not know I know about any of this, but I actually fear for her safety now. He's shown nothing but escalating behaviors in my opinion and to move clear across town (literally) to almost a few streets away? It stinks to high heaven! I don't like it, but she doesn't know I know and I want to break it to her that I support her, that I'm there for her, and I will help protect her if she needs it, but I can't say anything since she never told me, and it has left me feeling very unnerved by the whole situation. Do I choose not to inject myself into the conversation and leave it with her and her family, since it doesn't truly involve me? I am finding it hard holding back on my urge to want to say something, I don't like this guy, and I don't like that he is using manipulative tactics to hurt her and also try and worm his way back into her life. Especially the part about moving so close to her, that's bordering on being if not blatant stalking now. What should I do? Just leave it and pretend I know nothing? Or offer her support and at least let her know I will help be there if she needs me?

    Thank you all.

    -Jack

  2. #2
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    I want to break it to her that I support her, that I'm there for her, and I will help protect her if she needs it
    Why the urge to tell her this directly?

    I get that you are concerned, but you can lend support via your fiancee. She could pass on your sentiments to her just to let her know that you're on her team, so to speak. It sounds like your sister-in-law is no fool and will know which avenues to take (ex. contacting authorities) if this guy actually harasses her. And no, moving close to her isn't blatant stalking. Is it odd? Sure. Would it be considered a criminal offense? No, not in and of itself. Given that you don't have a good relationship with her and she hasn't directly involved you, I would take that as your cue to support her from a distance. She's a grown woman with a support system in place; she can manage this in the manner she sees fit.

    I'm curious, as your post seems to suggest you're quite desperate to "prove" yourself to your sister-in-law - why is that?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you sure you are marrying the right sister? Let her parents, family and authorities deal with this. You are way too involved in her.

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    Bronze Member Eliza50's Avatar
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    Are you sure you're in love with your fiancé and not with your (soon to be) sister-in-law?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    What's 'helpful' about betraying your fiancé's confidence and harming THAT relationship?

    If you have a valuable course of action to offer, why not speak with your fiancé instead of plotting 'around' her?

    The woman has her whole family behind her, and they--or she--will divulge to you what they want you to know. If you find it difficult to resist attention-seeking from them--or her--it would be smart to question why.

  7. #6

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    Point taken everyone. I can't believe I'm painted in such a way, but point taken. Not my sister, not my family, not my fiancé, got it. I am a little taken back by these views though and spinning it this way, but I will take this advice and kindly choose to ignore what's happening with her and remove myself from it entirely. I won't try to dissuade my fiancé from divulging things to me, but I'll only offer my opinion to my fiancé and nothing more. Thank you.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Be careful about getting involved in family drama, especially in-law family. Healthy boundaries are really important. The SIL to be doesn't need your protection, isn't your pal and you shouldn't be proving yourself to anyone except your soon to be wife. Focus on your family, you and your wife, and stay far away from extended family drama. Trust me when I say it will save you a great deal of marital grief. Basically, just listen and nod, don't offer advice or opinions unless asked for it and if you are asked to get involved, think long hard about consequences to yourself and yours before you jump in.

    Consider also that your SIL to be is an adult who has been encouraging this drama. She is maintaining the conversations with this guy, she is letting him in her door, etc. She is playing games, dangerous games, but again....she is a grown woman doing what she wants. Stay far away from that drama and keep in mind that she is actively stirring that pot for whatever reason.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by JackEL
    Point taken everyone. I can't believe I'm painted in such a way, but point taken. Not my sister, not my family, not my fiancé, got it. I am a little taken back by these views though and spinning it this way, but I will take this advice and kindly choose to ignore what's happening with her and remove myself from it entirely. I won't try to dissuade my fiancé from divulging things to me, but I'll only offer my opinion to my fiancé and nothing more. Thank you.
    You are your fiance's sounding board. She did not ask you to fix things. I would tell your fiance "i am glad you confide in me about what is going on with your sister, but when i do, i feel you are asking me to do something about it or talk to her. I am not going to step in because its not my business"

  10. #9
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    My question is, why would she leave her e-mail, etc, open where he has the means to contact her? If she "feared for her own safety", (your words) she'd find a way rather than find an excuse.

    I have a hunch there's more to this but either way rather than be a victim of shoot the messenger, I'd stay out of it.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    She (my soon to be SIL) had been dating this guy for a number of years and thought they were each others "one", but he ended up being very bull-headed and his behavior was coming into question near the end of their relationship. Yes, on Valentine's Day no less, they broke up (she broke it off), but he cannot get over it. He's shown up randomly to her home, wouldn't stop sending e-mails and letters, and has had flowers delivered to her home and her workplace.
    This has nothing to do with you. Stay out of it. That is her business to sort out.

    Do I choose not to inject myself into the conversation and leave it with her and her family, since it doesn't truly involve me?
    No, Stay Out of family drama! And especially avoid policing people’s relationship because it always will backfire.

    Even if you do marry... you do not interject. Your wife is responsible for handling her family, not you. Never, ever try to manage in-laws.

    My sister’s husband has tried interjecting into family affairs between my sister and I... let’s just say we are enemies because he did not stay the hell out since it did not concern him. I make it clear to him that we will not -or May never be - buddies because he made my relationship with my sister EVEN WORSE. Over a year has past and I still hate him.

    You can worry all you want, but this is not apart of your business.

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