Do I say anything to my soon to be sister-in-law? or let it be?

Hi there,

New to this forum, but I'll jump right into it. My soon to be sister-in-law and I do not have the best relationship to say the least, that is she'd never divulge what I know. To state some back story, I've done a lot to try and be a good potential brother-in-law, and have felt I've jumped through many hoops to prove my worth that I am a good man and would do right by her. Alas I'm mostly invisible to her and for my own sake and because I deserve better than to be mostly ignored, I choose not to involve myself in her life much anymore. With that out of the way, my fiancé wants to keep me in the loop about things and is forthcoming of her family's affairs. I was told earlier last week of something troubling. She (my soon to be SIL) had been dating this guy for a number of years and thought they were each others "one", but he ended up being very bull-headed and his behavior was coming into question near the end of their relationship. Yes, on Valentine's Day no less, they broke up (she broke it off), but he cannot get over it. He's shown up randomly to her home, wouldn't stop sending e-mails and letters, and has had flowers delivered to her home and her workplace.

We thought the worst was over, but he kept finding excuses to get her to listen to him or have him come over to "talk", which the last time ended up with him putting his hands on her and trying to force-kiss her. Her family has become distraught and quite frustrated by the whole situation, as am I. We hadn't heard from "David" (name changed for anonymity) in over a month when the worst part to happen came up last week. We thought he was out of the picture but he e-mailed her out of the blue telling her that he "finally" sold his old place and NOW lives... yup, a few streets away from her. Call me paranoid, but we are all not ok with this, my soon to be SIL does not know I know about any of this, but I actually fear for her safety now. He's shown nothing but escalating behaviors in my opinion and to move clear across town (literally) to almost a few streets away? It stinks to high heaven! I don't like it, but she doesn't know I know and I want to break it to her that I support her, that I'm there for her, and I will help protect her if she needs it, but I can't say anything since she never told me, and it has left me feeling very unnerved by the whole situation. Do I choose not to inject myself into the conversation and leave it with her and her family, since it doesn't truly involve me? I am finding it hard holding back on my urge to want to say something, I don't like this guy, and I don't like that he is using manipulative tactics to hurt her and also try and worm his way back into her life. Especially the part about moving so close to her, that's bordering on being if not blatant stalking now. What should I do? Just leave it and pretend I know nothing? Or offer her support and at least let her know I will help be there if she needs me?

Thank you all.

-Jack

I want to break it to her that I support her, that I'm there for her, and I will help protect her if she needs it

Why the urge to tell her this directly?

I get that you are concerned, but you can lend support via your fiancee. She could pass on your sentiments to her just to let her know that you're on her team, so to speak. It sounds like your sister-in-law is no fool and will know which avenues to take (ex. contacting authorities) if this guy actually harasses her. And no, moving close to her isn't blatant stalking. Is it odd? Sure. Would it be considered a criminal offense? No, not in and of itself. Given that you don't have a good relationship with her and she hasn't directly involved you, I would take that as your cue to support her from a distance. She's a grown woman with a support system in place; she can manage this in the manner she sees fit.

I'm curious, as your post seems to suggest you're quite desperate to "prove" yourself to your sister-in-law - why is that?

Are you sure you are marrying the right sister? Let her parents, family and authorities deal with this. You are way too involved in her.

Are you sure you're in love with your fiancé and not with your (soon to be) sister-in-law?

What's 'helpful' about betraying your fiancé's confidence and harming THAT relationship?

If you have a valuable course of action to offer, why not speak with your fiancé instead of plotting 'around' her?

The woman has her whole family behind her, and they--or she--will divulge to you what they want you to know. If you find it difficult to resist attention-seeking from them--or her--it would be smart to question why.

Point taken everyone. I can't believe I'm painted in such a way, but point taken. Not my sister, not my family, not my fiancé, got it. I am a little taken back by these views though and spinning it this way, but I will take this advice and kindly choose to ignore what's happening with her and remove myself from it entirely. I won't try to dissuade my fiancé from divulging things to me, but I'll only offer my opinion to my fiancé and nothing more. Thank you.

Be careful about getting involved in family drama, especially in-law family. Healthy boundaries are really important. The SIL to be doesn't need your protection, isn't your pal and you shouldn't be proving yourself to anyone except your soon to be wife. Focus on your family, you and your wife, and stay far away from extended family drama. Trust me when I say it will save you a great deal of marital grief. Basically, just listen and nod, don't offer advice or opinions unless asked for it and if you are asked to get involved, think long hard about consequences to yourself and yours before you jump in.

Consider also that your SIL to be is an adult who has been encouraging this drama. She is maintaining the conversations with this guy, she is letting him in her door, etc. She is playing games, dangerous games, but again....she is a grown woman doing what she wants. Stay far away from that drama and keep in mind that she is actively stirring that pot for whatever reason.

Point taken everyone. I can't believe I'm painted in such a way, but point taken. Not my sister, not my family, not my fiancé, got it. I am a little taken back by these views though and spinning it this way, but I will take this advice and kindly choose to ignore what's happening with her and remove myself from it entirely. I won't try to dissuade my fiancé from divulging things to me, but I'll only offer my opinion to my fiancé and nothing more. Thank you.

You are your fiance's sounding board. She did not ask you to fix things. I would tell your fiance "i am glad you confide in me about what is going on with your sister, but when i do, i feel you are asking me to do something about it or talk to her. I am not going to step in because its not my business"

My question is, why would she leave her e-mail, etc, open where he has the means to contact her? If she "feared for her own safety", (your words) she'd find a way rather than find an excuse.

I have a hunch there's more to this but either way rather than be a victim of shoot the messenger, I'd stay out of it.

She (my soon to be SIL) had been dating this guy for a number of years and thought they were each others "one", but he ended up being very bull-headed and his behavior was coming into question near the end of their relationship. Yes, on Valentine's Day no less, they broke up (she broke it off), but he cannot get over it. He's shown up randomly to her home, wouldn't stop sending e-mails and letters, and has had flowers delivered to her home and her workplace.

This has nothing to do with you. Stay out of it. That is her business to sort out.

Do I choose not to inject myself into the conversation and leave it with her and her family, since it doesn't truly involve me?

No, Stay Out of family drama! And especially avoid policing people’s relationship because it always will backfire.

Even if you do marry... you do not interject. Your wife is responsible for handling her family, not you. Never, ever try to manage in-laws.

My sister’s husband has tried interjecting into family affairs between my sister and I... let’s just say we are enemies because he did not stay the hell out since it did not concern him. I make it clear to him that we will not -or May never be - buddies because he made my relationship with my sister EVEN WORSE. Over a year has past and I still hate him.

You can worry all you want, but this is not apart of your business.

Jack,

First of all, congratulations on the impending nuptials.

I've been married for a long time. I have several sisters-in-law (SIL) and brothers-in-law (BIL). I've learned from Day 1 to stay out of other people's affairs. You need to really mind your own business with all due respect. Other people are grown adults and you need to let them live their own lives including whatever comes their way including their mistakes and poor choices. Their lives have nothing to do with yours whatsoever. You can have compassion and pray for them from afar but you really need to stay out of it. Know where to draw the line. I say, "Let it be."

In the past, I was in hero mode and tried so hard to rescue people (or waifs) whether it was my friend, cousin, sister and neighbor. Their marriages are made in hell, a neighbor's husband is an alcoholic, there are incurable character defects, mental illness, physical health woes and it ran the gamut. I burned out and "helping" them impacted my marriage and family life negatively. I have enough troubles of my own. I refuse to take on other people's problems.

Other people's problems should NOT become your project.

Even though your intentions are good and sincere, I've learned that you really need to focus on your life, job, your life with your fiancee and future marriage. Someday, concentrate on your children and family life. Focus on your own responsibilities. In other words, know how to enforce healthy boundaries with others for your own sanity's sake. Focus your time, energy, attention and resources on you, your fiancee, future wife, relationship and marriage. Don't care nor bother with extraneous conditions in other people's lives. They need to handle and cope with their own problems. It's NOT your problem. It's NEVER your problems.

No, don't inject yourself into a conversation regarding your soon to be SIL. Whenever you're with her family, remain silent and learn to keep your mouth shut. Her welfare is her business, NOT yours. I commend you for your conscience. I was once you. However, I've since changed. You need to always remember to be practical with your life. Save rescuing and being in hero mode for storybooks and the movies because that's fantasy and unrealistic. Apply reality, logic and practicality to your everyday life.

The downside to getting involved in other people's business is that eventually you will engage in arguing with them or the people whom they know. Sometimes, your involvement will end up endangering your life or some people will take legal action against you. It's too risky. Play it safe and be smart. Trust me, I've been there and it's such a tangled hot mess that you'll regret ever getting involved in their personal lives in the first place. It takes a long time to recover from exiting a wasted, negative, bitter, unnecessary feud with them. Don't do it. Take care of your own life always. Many times, an ugly situation ends up in semi-estrangement or complete estrangement as what happened to me when my intentions were initially sincere and good. In hindsight, I should've tread more lightly yet I didn't listen to my better judgment at the time. I harbor a lot of regrets to this day.

I have a lot of in-laws on both sides of my family tree. I'm polite, well mannered, poised, exercise discretion, respectful, "practice good diplomacy" (my mother's wise words) and kind to all of them with strong enforced and infused boundaries with them.

Just because you have future in-laws and you're considered "family," it doesn't mean that you intervene in their lives. Stay in your lane. You mean well but don't meddle. If you do, you'll live to regret it because their problems suddenly become YOUR problems and endless angst. I've already traveled down this road before and take it from me, mind your own business. Never take on other people's stress. They're grown adults and completely responsible for their own lives, NOT you. The safest thing for you to do is to be an acquaintance at best because this type of relationship is most enduring. There are no blips this way and you will lead a stress-free life. Become an astute and shrewd person because this mindset will protect you.

Take a time out and go hang out outside when people are gossiping or going on and on (in-laws are over etc). You can choose to be a part of it or not a part of it. Your wife should be there for her sister and offering support with limits. Like the others are saying, it's best to stay out of it as much as possible and offer your support to your wife.

You can be a listening ear and know when to tune in and tune out. Being a good listener does not always mean you need to take action. You can also let your wife know when you're starting to feel tired and need to eat, have a drink or just stretch and step out of the room. You don't need to be rude to her or appear uncaring after a long session about her sister. Just excuse yourself for a few minutes and ask her if she'd like to do something else too. Most people take the hint and can sense that their partner has reached their limits. Conversations are always two-ways. Your wife should be compassionate to you too and your cues.

Don't encourage or egg each other on getting worked up about someone else's personal affairs. It doesn't look good and it feels worse.

Let her know you're there for her (your wife) but don't get too involved. I'd also encourage your wife not to become too emotionally involved in the ongoings. Both of you need to work on listening without absorbing all that energy.