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Thread: Stuck

  1. #1
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    Stuck

    Long story short. Married 35 years. Amazing, well-adjusted kids. Husband is a narcissist. Everything has always revolved around him. He takes 6 week solo vacations every year to hint, fish, and backpack. I love the outdoors, but don't have desire to be gone that long. He also doesn't want me. Even at home, he has solo activities. I do too, but not if they interfere with family. He is always right. Everyone else is wrong. He gets angry if challenged- all the typical narcissist things. A few years ago, he had a major midlife crisis and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't help him. He took my frustration as lack of feeding his needs and found someone who would. He even filed for divorce. As soon as I found out and showed strength that I deserved better, he begged me to come back. I knew I shouldn't. He had said horrible things to me while with her, like I treat him like a dog. I cook, clean, love sex, spoil the neck out of him. Is that how a dog is treated? Maybe. Anyway, I came back, mainly to keep my family intact. My kids see him for who he is and I know they would understand if I left, but they are happy to have a nuclear family. There are good times. We travel , hike, and camp together. We go on dates. We have sex. But... It's hard. He's addicted to porn, and I'm no prude, but it lowers my desire for him. He discounts my wants and I give in to all his needs. I'm strong and independent, but want a partner. He thinks our separate lives works well. Any suggestions on how to survive this kind of marriage? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Toxicity is not " an intact nuclear family" . Stop acting like a slave or martyr. Talk to an attorney for options and a therapist so you and he and your horrible marriage stops damaging your kids

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    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    survive a marriage.

    how to survive your marriage...

    I don't think anyone should view their marriage in these terms nor would they want to.

    How old are your children? You say they see things for what they are, but yet want the nuclear family together.

    Where are you in this? Just the host for everyone else to feed off of?

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    If your kids would rather you be unnecessarily happy so they could have a semblance of an intact family, then they perhaps inherited the narcissist gene from their father. I doubt this is the case and that's how you're perceiving things. Regardless, you can't sacrifice your one precious life on the planet living in an unhappy marriage.

    Your kids will eventually be busy choosing their own life partners, which you will have no say-so in. Why should they have a say-so in your partnership or lack of one?

    I divorced at age 45 and gave myself a chance to live the rest of my life in a happier state. So glad I did. Love yourself like he should have and get out so you can enjoy the rest of your life.

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    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cheryl0108
    Any suggestions on how to survive this kind of marriage?
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    survive a marriage.

    how to survive your marriage...

    I don't think anyone should view their marriage in these terms nor would they want to.

    How old are your children? You say they see things for what they are, but yet want the nuclear family together.

    Where are you in this? Just the host for everyone else to feed off of?
    Yeah, wow. That's dismal but it says so much.

    It sounds like this marriage is killing you. Maybe it's time to get out once and for all.

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Stop using your kids as an excuse to stay in a toxic marriage. No, they aren't happy. In fact you are doing irreparable damage to them and their future relationships by demonstrating to them that cheating and abuse are OK. Yes, cheating on your wife is a form of psychological and emotional abuse. You are teaching them to put up and shut up. Let me ask you - how will you feel if your son or daughter later on ends up in the same marriage and stays because that's what you taught them? Can you live with that?

    Narcissists in general cause massive damage to their children and their psyche. You aren't protecting them from that, you are sticking to this man's side putting them through hell and for what? Artificial bs like going camping? What? You can't divorce him and take your kids camping minus the narcissist? There is literally nothing that you can't do without him and being without him means peace, actually relaxing and enjoying each other without needing to cater and pay attention to the narc.

    Also, don't call yourself strong and independent. A strong independent woman would have left this louse you call a husband years ago. Kicked him to the curb. You are not independent, OP, you are codependent. Clinging for dear life to a sham marriage and a nightmare for a husband, creating excuses for staying because why? Afraid to take action? Afraid of change? Afraid to be alone?

    Life alone is a million times better than life with a cheater. Stop making excuses, get a good lawyer and start making better choices for yourself and your children.

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    Thank you. I kind of expected to hear from at least one person in a similar situation who chooses to stay. I have been to a therapist who also encourages me to leave. I'm getting there. Believe it or not, a woman can be codependent in a relationship while still being independent and strong in all other areas. I have a powerful career, great friends, hobbies, and am a total nurturer. People call me a loving woman of steel. I guess the poster who called me out on fear of change probably got it right. My kids are grown and all have spouses that are kind and giving. They want me happy. I am close to being ready. I appreciate all the wake up, tough love messages.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cheryl0108
    Thank you. I kind of expected to hear from at least one person in a similar situation who chooses to stay. I have been to a therapist who also encourages me to leave. I'm getting there. Believe it or not, a woman can be codependent in a relationship while still being independent and strong in all other areas. I have a powerful career, great friends, hobbies, and am a total nurturer. People call me a loving woman of steel. I guess the poster who called me out on fear of change probably got it right. My kids are grown and all have spouses that are kind and giving. They want me happy. I am close to being ready. I appreciate all the wake up, tough love messages.
    You know my heart just broke for you. Your kids are grown and you are still choosing to stay in an abusive marriage using them as an excuse? Those people who are calling you a loving woman of steel aren't doing you any favors. It's not a compliment, it just keeps you stuck pretending and playing up to an image, an illusion. Staying in abuse is weakness not strength. You need to learn to love yourself a little more and pretend strength a little less. Yes, lots of otherwise highly successful professional people have horrible, dysfunctional, abusive relationships. You are far and away not alone in that, but doesn't mean you need to continue with this. Please check out chumplady.com blog - lots of advice and support there for leaving a cheater. Lots of calling it for what it is as well, unpleasant truths about cheaters. Most importantly you'll find lots of women who left at various stages of life and are so much happier for it. Maybe you can find some strength and inspiration there to finally leave.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    The reason he doesn't want to divorce you is likely purely financial. You should be getting him off of your bank account if he's added to yours, and remove him as a user of your credit cards. In many states, since you've been married longer than 10 years, you might be entitled to half of his retirement savings at the date of the divorce, and entitled to half of his pension if he has one at the point of his retirement. If he's the higher earner, know that you are entitled to his higher rate of social security benefits without it negatively affecting him, even if you're divorced. Consult a lawyer about all of this and don't let him manipulate you into getting less than your fair share. Make sure you don't leave the family home until consulting with a lawyer about that as well. There might be laws you know nothing about and now is not the time to be making mistakes when your livelihood is at stake. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is he retired? Cheating is not synonymous with "midlife crisis". Does he still have this mistress or cheat with other women? You must consult an attorney asap to discuss your options in the case of divorce. He has already filed, so he wants out and sooner or later one of his mistresses will convince him.

    Get your ducks in a row and privately and confidentially consult a lawyer. Do not make any obvious financial moves without doing that first. Do not leave yourself open to being blindsided by pretending being a good housekeeper will hang on to a man.
    Originally Posted by Cheryl0108
    Married 35 years. found someone who would. He even filed for divorce. He thinks our separate lives works well.

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