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Thread: Stuck

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's time to leave. See a lawyer in private and start planning.

    This marriage has long sailed and he is not in love with you. You know it in your heart. It's time to have greater strength. You may think you are strong but you need more. You can restart your life again away from this negative cycle. Give yourself a chance to live a different and happier life. The kids will manage and adapt. There will be a new routine and a new normal. Get out of this. I think both of you are different people too and you really do deserve to be with a partner who wants to spend more time with you. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
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    Gee, he sounds a lot like my ex. I was married for 29 years; divorced for almost 1.5 years. I won't get into details but suffice it to say, that even if I won a Nobel prize, he would not have been impressed. It was always about him. IMHO, he is a narcissist. It was his way or the highway. According to him, I was always in the wrong, I didn't know what I was talking about, etc. He was dismissive. He was so darned disrespectful, and verbally and emotionally abusive. That said, I was not thrilled with the marriage but I accepted him for who and what he was. I was very grateful for the fact that he made a very good salary which, in turn, gave me the opportunity to raise my kids and not have to go to work. I did work at the beginning of the marriage because he was still in school. Before him, I also had an incredible career. I actually felt sorry for him because his behaviour made me realise how insecure he really is. I truly took my vows seriously. Poor excuse? I don't know but it's how I felt. I tried really hard to fulfill his sexual needs (or should I say fetishes) but, apparently, it was not good enough. He dumped me. At first, I was devastated beyond words but now I find that I am much happier without his sorry a$$.

    Kids know what's going on. Don't kid yourself. Get out of this toxic marriage. Don't put up with this bulls*t. You will be better off alone, trust me. Your kids will understand your decision to leave. I'm sure they want their mother to be happy. You will be: without him!!

  3. #13
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    Thank you to everyone. I truly appreciate goddess. She has lived it. I do have an attorney. We are both physicians, so money is not an issue. It is difficult to change medical facilities at this point. We are both fully vested. Another year, we can semi retire. His affair lasted about 4 months. He knew she was beneath him. Just a distraction, which doesn't excuse the cowardly act of cheating. His filing for divorce, he says, was guilt and knowing that cheating is a deal breaker for me. It's so hard when you have built a good life, even if dysfunctional. I do have separate finances due to inheritance. I researched homes today. Hopefully this pandemic will soon be over so I can move. I don't want current house. It is not a home. Thank you so much to all of you who inspired my strength to move on!

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Cheryl0108
    Thank you to everyone. I truly appreciate goddess. She has lived it. I do have an attorney. We are both physicians, so money is not an issue. It is difficult to change medical facilities at this point. We are both fully vested. Another year, we can semi retire. His affair lasted about 4 months. He knew she was beneath him. Just a distraction, which doesn't excuse the cowardly act of cheating. His filing for divorce, he says, was guilt and knowing that cheating is a deal breaker for me. It's so hard when you have built a good life, even if dysfunctional. I do have separate finances due to inheritance. I researched homes today. Hopefully this pandemic will soon be over so I can move. I don't want current house. It is not a home. Thank you so much to all of you who inspired my strength to move on!
    OMG, my ex is a physician too. That is wild! I sincerely wish you the best of luck, Cheryl. You deserve it. I have two adult sons. Of course it's hard for them at the beginning but they understand. You will find happiness and peace. Give yourself time to heal. Sending you big hugs xx

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cheryl0108
    Thank you to everyone. I truly appreciate goddess. She has lived it. I do have an attorney. We are both physicians, so money is not an issue. It is difficult to change medical facilities at this point. We are both fully vested. Another year, we can semi retire. His affair lasted about 4 months. He knew she was beneath him. Just a distraction, which doesn't excuse the cowardly act of cheating. His filing for divorce, he says, was guilt and knowing that cheating is a deal breaker for me. It's so hard when you have built a good life, even if dysfunctional. I do have separate finances due to inheritance. I researched homes today. Hopefully this pandemic will soon be over so I can move. I don't want current house. It is not a home. Thank you so much to all of you who inspired my strength to move on!
    Good luck. I think you will start feeling much better once you truly get back on your feet!

    What are you going to do about the job? Will you go somewhere else?

    You think you have a good life with all of the dysfunction you are living with, but you're only living half the good life.

    I think you will probably start to see that a few months out of the marriage, when the constant stress that you are under starts to alleviate.

    It's called 'dysfunction' for a reason. It doesn't work. It is unsupportive, counterproductive, and it is damaging to health.

    Your marriage really is killing some part of you. Go save that part!!

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cheryl0108
    Believe it or not, a woman can be codependent in a relationship while still being independent and strong in all other areas.
    I believe that is true. But many believe otherwise, and I think that's a common misconception.

    People have a difficult time accepting that dichotomies can exist in one person. They can be pretty unforgiving.

    There's a thread somewhere on this board about the series, "Dirty John," a dramatization of a true crime story.

    It was interesting to see the way that some of the posters attacked the victim's (Debra's) character.

    Debra was a successful business woman who made very good business decisions.

    But she made abysmal relationship decisions and her marriage to John became absolutely disastrous.

    A couple of the posters on the thread actually seemed offended that Debra was considered a victim at all.

    They seemed to think that she should be held accountable for her bad decisions, and that murder was apparently a suitable lesson!

    Some of the judgment on that thread was pretty amazing Definitely popcorn worthy.

    I do think it's practical for people to sort of take an 'average' of all situations when making decisions. But I think that it's a bad and lazy practice when judging other people.

    You just have to look at a bell curve to see there are very few true situations that actually fall into an average range, and that averages are often borne of substantial deviations to either side.

    AT ANY RATE, you are weak in this one area, but you do have strength inside of you and you are capable of getting stronger. You just have to take it slow and commit to the effort.

  8. #17
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    Great insight from so many.❤🙏💪

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This is one for the ENA famous quotes!:
    Originally Posted by goddess
    At first, I was devastated beyond words but now I find that I am much happier without his sorry a$$.
    [Register to see the link]

  10. #19
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    We all really need to stop conflating career/financial success with emotional/psychological health. The two are not connected.

    Narcissists, sociopaths tend to be particularly successful. Their disorders actually help them be so - emotional detachment combined with image management drives them to be ruthless and highly successful. They can manipulate, lie, cheat, steal, blame others, step on others, set up other to take the fall and feel nothing but satisfaction at the end result of personal success and all the hero worship that brings from the outside world. That doesn't make them any less disordered and if you have the misfortune to cross paths with one of these on a personal/relationship level, you will get destroyed by these people. Behind the facade lives a monster.

    The victims of abuse are also emotionally/psychologically disordered people. Quite literally the ying and the yang of a toxic vicious circle. No, stating a fact is not character assassination. You cannot even begin to fix a problem if you cannot acknowledge that it exists. Healthy people do not put up with abuse, they walk away at first sight.

    Real life example is a good friend from college. Super attractive, very smart and successful girl in a long term relationship. They've been together 3 years. The first and only time his mask slipped and he showed her an abusive side, she dumped him. No and's, no but's, no trying to hang in there and fix him or wait for him to change. She was gone in a heartbeat. Her stance was simple "I will NOT be treated this way." Period. Full stop. Did she love him? Of course. Was she sad and devastated about the break up? Most certainly. She also healed and moved on. Part of emotional health is knowing how to let go.

    People who have codependence issues cannot let go or have an exceptionally hard time letting go. They will put up with abuse...because...insert whatever excuse here - looove, hope, ego, fear, etc. Codepence has nothing to do with intelligence, education, career success, etc. It's a broken way that a person has learned to relate to others and only way out permanently is to unlearn that and learn better. Without that....OP and others in her situation will just turn around and date another abuser. It's what's familiar and what feels comfortable. One cannot fix a problem until one acknowledges that there is a problem.

    OP has zero excuses in terms of divorce - kids are grown, finances are not an issue, etc. Codepence IS what is keeping her stuck. She can choose to work on herself and get unstuck. I mean what's the alternative? More abuse? The cheating thing....cheaters rarely cheat just once. It's the one time she caught him. Yes, yes cheaters are very sorry, sooo sorry they got caught (not that they cheated, only that they got caught, so inconvenient) and yes he may love bomb you and promise the world and even pretend for awhile until you trust him again and stop looking so close, so he can go right back to cheating. Also, no, it's not midlife crisis or any other bs excuse you want to make up for him. Cheating is about entitlement - I do whatever the eff pleases me and I don't care who I harm with that. It's a character problem and one he's had from the get go. Codepence leaves people spackling over, living in denial, putting up with unspeakable bs all because.....inability to let go. Living with a cheater is like hugging covid-19 without a hazmat suit. Sure....you might get lucky and survive, then again, you might end up 6ft under. Codependents love to convince themselves that it's not really covid, it's just a cuddly bunny and if they pet it juuuust right, the bunny will not harm them and all will be wonderful.....optimists on steroids.... Stop and get off the crazy train OP. You have no excuses for putting up with abuse. None.

  11. #20
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    This has been interesting. As I mentioned, I am a physician- a psychiatrist to be exact. I know my relationship is dysfunctional. I know my husband has NPD. I have always known that. I chose to be in the marriage. One thing that interests me is the overuse of certain terms. Abuse- what is abuse? Yes, maybe during the affair, there was emotional abuse with saying terrible things to me. I also understand that the typical male who is conflicted will say hurtful things to justify behavior to himself. Believe me, that does NOT excuse it. I believe a woman (or man) knows what constitutes abuse. I don't feel abused. I feel neglected, not treated with respect, not always loved, but not abused. You may disagree, but it's like the nuance between children being teased vs being bullied. Kids and parents love to jump to the word bullied, where most of us would call it typical behavior for youth. Certainly not ok or acceptable, but not bullying. I am in charge of my life. I know my marriage is not healthy, but I am not a victim. We had probably 30 good years, raising a good, healthy family. Only recently did things take a turn where the NPD became something I can't tolerate (cheating being a main factor). I know it's time to move on. I appreciate those supportive people who have helped me gain the strength to leave, without judgment of my character.

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