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Horrible anxiety over moving in together


Wolfe359

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Long story short, I had a beautiful romance with a wonderful woman who treats me great, but she is a single mom with 5 kids. I found out about the kids early on, and should have bolted right then and there, but she was so sweet and beautiful and sexy and I'd never gotten along so perfectly with any woman in my life. She saved me from terrible depression and we had great times together for 2 years, but now it's commitment time. She is financially strapped and I have been feeling bad about that since the beginning, and have helped her financially (and was happy to do so; she NEVER asked for help. I offered it unprompted.) But her being so poor really bothers me because I want her and her kids to have a safe place to live. Recently I started spending time with her kids (2 of whom are 4 and 5 yrs old and they adore me). I generally love kids and get on well with them, and her children are no exception; the problem is they're getting attached to me now, and I don't want to hurt them. She's talking about moving in together and I feel dread. Her ex-husband is a POS and I want nothing to do with him, but if I jump into this thing, I'll have to deal with this guy, share the kids with him, and basically give him power over my life. He can make trouble in many ways for us.

 

I don't have an aversion to raising someone else's kids. That's not really the issue here. What I DO have a problem with is the size of this commitment (4 of these kids are still at home) and the uncertainty of dealing with the ex and whatever hassles he can send our way (which he will, I'm sure, as he'll always be angry at her for leaving him). This is not the life I envisioned for myself. So despite the fact that this woman is fantastic in every way aside from her baggage, I find myself feeling horrible dread over the prospect of moving her and her kids into my place. This woman loves me unreservedly and has told me many times that I'm the love of her life and if this doesn't work out, she's done looking for Mr Right and will remain single the rest of her life (she's 45). I'm not taking that literally, and she's beautiful so there's always going to be some man interested in her, but I feel incredibly guilty thinking about leaving because I know she'll be devastated, and knowing I really could give her and her kids a better life. The problem is, I'd be improving their lives quite possibly at the expense of my own. I don't have a lot of good years left (I'm 48) and I'm just recovering from my own divorce 3 years ago.

 

This was my first relationship post-divorce, and it sucked me in and took me on a roller coaster ride. It's been wonderful up to this point. What kills me is I adore this woman, and I actually do like her kids, especially the 2 little ones who are so cute and lovable and full of fun. I never had kids of my own (low sperm count), but this is not the life I wanted. It's just too much. I'm overwhelmed. My head tells me to bail, but my heart tortures me with guilt. Horrible, overwhelming guilt that robs me of my sleep and leaves me unable to even concentrate on anything during the day. I feel trapped when I should be feeling positive. I know, logically that many of my concerns are overstated. I would "only" be directly caring for 2 kids (not 5) but I still have deep misgivings about the whole thing. This could be very sweet domestic bliss or it could all go south easily.

 

Should a person always listen to their "gut", or can the gut lead you astray? Any advice welcome!

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but this is not the life I wanted. It's just too much. I'm overwhelmed. My head tells me to bail, I feel trapped when I should be feeling positive. I still have deep misgivings about the whole thing.

 

Should a person always listen to their "gut", or can the gut lead you astray? Any advice welcome!

I say go with your gut. Never, ever, stay in a relationship when you have so many "deep misgivings about the whole thing". When in doubt, DON'T.

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Did she ask you directly if they can move in to your place? What did you say to her?

The next time you talk about it, I suggest try to be really honest with her about how you feel towards the whole moving in situation - your fears, your doubts, worries and all. Lay down your cards. This requires a mature conversation between two adults. If she has genuine feelings for you, she would not take it against you. If it affects your relationship, then maybe its foundations are not yet that solid. Good luck. ^_^

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It sounds like this relationship is one that only works for you when there's no deeper commitment involved. Meaning, you are happy to commit to her as an individual, but not the entire package (kids and so on)

 

She will be hurt when you break it off, but I can't see this working out if you try to force yourself into it anyway. The end is coming, whether it's in the near future or two years down the road. The kindest thing you can do here is respectfully part ways.

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Your anxiety is not about moving in per se but about allowing her and her kids further into your life. Obviously her vision for the relationship is different from yours, and you can only keep her at arms length for so long. Even you can keep her from moving in for a while the relationship will not work eventually because you can't be the partner she needs.

 

 

should have bolted right then and there, but she was so sweet and beautiful and sexy

 

This is selfish. You can't just take the part of her that you like and keep ignoring the rest. Let her go.

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Time to be honest with yourself and listen to the part between your ears - this isn't the right woman or the right relationship for you and you should have stepped away a long time ago. What's keeping you stuck isn't so much your heart as your lower half - she is beautiful. Read in your post how many times you've emphasized that. That's just not enough to make a long term relationship work though.

 

Stop stringing her along and end things already. She'll be fine and you'll be fine. Feeling guilty is really arrogant on your part - she is an adult capable of managing her own life and capable of handling break ups. Btw, her telling you that if you dump her she'll never date again is pure emotional blackmail and total bs. She sounds quite manipulative even if you aren't aware of that aspect of her personality.....yet.... I can pretty much guarantee you that she'll find another schmuck to fund her life within a month or a few and will be dripping the same ego stroking syrup into his ears as well. It works. Sorry to be harsh but that's your reality check.

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I think you should not move in with her because you have an element of white knight here (POS ex, she's "so poor", etc.) Why not just "date" her. Two years is NOT "Commitment time" necessarily, especially with kids in the mix. For now, i would stop interacting with the kids so much as you do. I would not make promises of moving in - only move in if a ring is on her finger and that is the way it must be with kids. you either commit fully or don't -- you just don't "move in."

 

If you really love her, and don't pit her, then just date and that's it. Or break up. I don't think kids are the problem -- there are many women that have kids but have their stuff together and don't need to be rescued.

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^

I agree with the above. Not that there's anything wrong with having a SO, but moving in together with small children involved has the potential of having too many things that could go wrong. I can't pinpoint a specific reason other than it's JMO...

 

In short, and as abitbroken said, why not just continue to date?

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Imagine moving in with the 5 children and it not working out. The kids are already recovering from having their family unit dissolve. You've shared that they care for you, so we can assume they are becoming attached. Please don't move in with them if you are having these serious reservations. They don't deserve to go through this again.

 

Years ago I dated a wonderful man with a small child. I thought it would be ok. My sons were older teenagers at that time and busy with their own lives.

 

His baby mama called insessently and there was all sorts of boundary and financial issues I personally didn't have the patience for

 

I'd go to my boyfriends house and a typical day would include nap time, an outing consisted of pushing a stroller around and going to a merry go round on a Sunday. At the same my friend was dating a guy who was drinking wine on a boat, watched the sunset that same Sunday.

 

I cried when I broke up with him. I had been through all the phases of raising young children and didn't want to have to look forward for another 14 years of doing it again. We were at entirely different places in our lives and his son was getting attached to me.

 

But outside of that I knew I was in the wrong place and ultimately I would be resentful and I would have noone to blame but myself. They didn't deserve that. I felt horribly guilty and sad and but I have no regrets that I made the right decision.

 

He went on to meet a younger woman who didn't have children. They married, had another child and things worked out perfectly the way they were supposed to.

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The only thing I'd say is don't keep dating if she is looking for a live in relationship that leads to marriage. That's not fair to her. Also, don't keep dating if ultimately you are looking for that deeper relationship where you either live together or eventually get married. It's not fair to you either to stay stuck in the wrong relationship with the wrong person. You are stopping her from moving on and finding the right guy for her and you are stopping yourself from finding the right woman, the right relationship, the right situation for yourself. Basically, don't string her and yourself along. Life is too short for that.

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The only thing I'd say is don't keep dating if she is looking for a live in relationship that leads to marriage. That's not fair to her. Also, don't keep dating if ultimately you are looking for that deeper relationship where you either live together or eventually get married. It's not fair to you either to stay stuck in the wrong relationship with the wrong person. You are stopping her from moving on and finding the right guy for her and you are stopping yourself from finding the right woman, the right relationship, the right situation for yourself. Basically, don't string her and yourself along. Life is too short for that.

 

Yes. But i think for the sake of the kids, he should not go cold turkey. First, tell her that he doesn't want to move in with her. She may break up over it or not, then extract yourself from seeing the kids all the time, and then end it if that's what you want.

 

If she is okay with just dating and so is he, then they are welcome to it, but if she wants a new husband, then forget it.

 

Also, it struck me that the first thing that he said was that she was sexy---- i didn't hear any other traits...

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My advice is do not agree to moving in with her and second, be honest about where you stand in the relationship.

 

Since she has been talking about moving in, you shouldn't lead her on and let her think things may be moving in that direction. Just clear the air there and things will be a lot better for you.

 

She too can make a decision whether she wants to be with you. This is a two way street and the decision to continue with the relationship does not solely lie on you. Don't be surprised if she ends up making a decision on what's best for her and her kids also.

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Also, it struck me that the first thing that he said was that she was sexy---- i didn't hear any other traits...

 

Did I mention she has a heart of gold, has a great work ethic, has boundless positivity and even more boundless energy, and that I trust her completely? If it were just looks, this would be easier, but I know she'd actually be a good partner in every respect. She is just simply a really, really good person and I trust her.

 

Her morality is definitely not at issue here; the problem is the size of this commitment and giving the ex so much influence (or at least a frequent presence) in my life. Though it could be beautiful, at least the first few years, this is not the life I envisioned. But I suspect her being 100% ethical doesn't change any of the opinions here, which are unanimous that I bail. Everybody is saying I bail because it's wrong to committ half-heartedly, I'm doing her a grave disservice and stringing her along, and one should never commit to a relationship when they have such deep misgivings. I don't really have any logical arguments to these points, but would still welcome more thoughts if you're willing to give them.

 

Thanks to everyone who responded. I'm so wracked by guilt that I've lost all joy and at the thought of abandoning this woman and her children has caused me to lose all hope for future. I fear if I do leave, I will be forever tormented by the guilt of knowing I could have given this woman and her children a better life. I feel that I will be wracked with guilt until it overcomes my desire to continue living.

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I read something once. I wish I had read it before I got married (subsequently divorced)

 

That when considering a life partner you should consider them a business partner. Is this someone you would go into business with?

Because when you set aside the warm fuzzy moments and things that attracted you to begin with, you two are running a business.

 

The business of taking care of a household you'll need to both have similar values, philosophies and meet on equal ground. Its hard work. Out of the gate you have an uphill battle with the inequity that exists.

 

I don't doubt she's a lovely woman but you yourself said this isn't the life you imagined. Try to set aside how amazing she is and look at the brass tacks of the business venture you may be entering.

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Did I mention she has a heart of gold, has a great work ethic, has boundless positivity and even more boundless energy, and that I trust her completely? If it were just looks, this would be easier, but I know she'd actually be a good partner in every respect. She is just simply a really, really good person and I trust her.

 

Her morality is definitely not at issue here; the problem is the size of this commitment and giving the ex so much influence (or at least a frequent presence) in my life. Though it could be beautiful, at least the first few years, this is not the life I envisioned. But I suspect her being 100% ethical doesn't change any of the opinions here, which are unanimous that I bail. Everybody is saying I bail because it's wrong to committ half-heartedly, I'm doing her a grave disservice and stringing her along, and one should never commit to a relationship when they have such deep misgivings. I don't really have any logical arguments to these points, but would still welcome more thoughts if you're willing to give them.

 

Thanks to everyone who responded. I'm so wracked by guilt that I've lost all joy and at the thought of abandoning this woman and her children has caused me to lose all hope for future. I fear if I do leave, I will be forever tormented by the guilt of knowing I could have given this woman and her children a better life. I feel that I will be wracked with guilt until it overcomes my desire to continue living.

 

What do you think she would have done if she had never met you? Failed miserably or powered through?

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Why do you feel responsible for this woman and her choices? She chose to have 5 kids. Yeah, that's expensive, most people can't afford that comfortably and so plan accordingly. It's her choice but also her responsibility.

It's not your job to fix situations for someone you are dating. Find an equal. Someone who you can take as is, and where there will be balance. Stop feeling sorry for her. Baggage is a relative thing. Your lives just aren't compatible.

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Where is she living now? Does she live with the father/ex or family? Did she file for child support for the kids? Does she work or had she filed for assistance with housing, food, medical care and career training? Does she have a car or a job?

Her ex-husband is a POS and I want nothing to do with him. He can make trouble in many ways for us.

 

I'm just recovering from my own divorce 3 years ago. This was my first relationship post-divorce.

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Did I mention she has a heart of gold, has a great work ethic, has boundless positivity and even more boundless energy, and that I trust her completely? If it were just looks, this would be easier, but I know she'd actually be a good partner in every respect. She is just simply a really, really good person and I trust her.

 

Her morality is definitely not at issue here; the problem is the size of this commitment and giving the ex so much influence (or at least a frequent presence) in my life. Though it could be beautiful, at least the first few years, this is not the life I envisioned. But I suspect her being 100% ethical doesn't change any of the opinions here, which are unanimous that I bail. Everybody is saying I bail because it's wrong to committ half-heartedly, I'm doing her a grave disservice and stringing her along, and one should never commit to a relationship when they have such deep misgivings. I don't really have any logical arguments to these points, but would still welcome more thoughts if you're willing to give them.

 

Thanks to everyone who responded. I'm so wracked by guilt that I've lost all joy and at the thought of abandoning this woman and her children has caused me to lose all hope for future. I fear if I do leave, I will be forever tormented by the guilt of knowing I could have given this woman and her children a better life. I feel that I will be wracked with guilt until it overcomes my desire to continue living.[/QUOTE]

 

That is a little dramatic. So this woman would cease to exist without you? She has done so just fine up until she met you. Her kids were fed and clothed. maybe not in the luxury like you would like them to be, but somehow they were surviving.

 

Why is she "so poor" if she has a great work ethic?

There are single moms that don't get child support and do well for themselves.

I think you don't have much respect in her/don't believe in her and are getting an ego boost out of feeling superior and as a "rescuer".

 

You should not move in with a woman and a bunch of kids unless you are serious about marrying her. You don't get to "play house" when there are kids in the picture.

If you do not see her as a future wife and do not wish to be a stepdad -then do her a favor and tell her you do not want to move in with her.

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