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Thread: Horrible anxiety over moving in together

  1. #21
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wolfe359
    Did I mention she has a heart of gold, has a great work ethic, has boundless positivity and even more boundless energy, and that I trust her completely? If it were just looks, this would be easier, but I know she'd actually be a good partner in every respect. She is just simply a really, really good person and I trust her.

    Her morality is definitely not at issue here; the problem is the size of this commitment and giving the ex so much influence (or at least a frequent presence) in my life. Though it could be beautiful, at least the first few years, this is not the life I envisioned. But I suspect her being 100% ethical doesn't change any of the opinions here, which are unanimous that I bail. Everybody is saying I bail because it's wrong to committ half-heartedly, I'm doing her a grave disservice and stringing her along, and one should never commit to a relationship when they have such deep misgivings. I don't really have any logical arguments to these points, but would still welcome more thoughts if you're willing to give them.

    Thanks to everyone who responded. I'm so wracked by guilt that I've lost all joy and at the thought of abandoning this woman and her children has caused me to lose all hope for future. I fear if I do leave, I will be forever tormented by the guilt of knowing I could have given this woman and her children a better life. I feel that I will be wracked with guilt until it overcomes my desire to continue living.
    What do you think she would have done if she had never met you? Failed miserably or powered through? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Why do you feel responsible for this woman and her choices? She chose to have 5 kids. Yeah, that's expensive, most people can't afford that comfortably and so plan accordingly. It's her choice but also her responsibility.
    It's not your job to fix situations for someone you are dating. Find an equal. Someone who you can take as is, and where there will be balance. Stop feeling sorry for her. Baggage is a relative thing. Your lives just aren't compatible.

  3. #23
    Forum Supporter Fudgie's Avatar
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    You need to get to the bottom of your guilt here. Yes, you could (in theory) provider her/the kids with a better life. But you could (in theory) do that with a number of people. But at your expense? How is that fair to you?

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Where is she living now? Does she live with the father/ex or family? Did she file for child support for the kids? Does she work or had she filed for assistance with housing, food, medical care and career training? Does she have a car or a job?
    Originally Posted by Wolfe359
    Her ex-husband is a POS and I want nothing to do with him. He can make trouble in many ways for us.

    I'm just recovering from my own divorce 3 years ago. This was my first relationship post-divorce.

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  6. #25
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    [QUOTE=Wolfe359;7220470]Did I mention she has a heart of gold, has a great work ethic, has boundless positivity and even more boundless energy, and that I trust her completely? If it were just looks, this would be easier, but I know she'd actually be a good partner in every respect. She is just simply a really, really good person and I trust her.

    Her morality is definitely not at issue here; the problem is the size of this commitment and giving the ex so much influence (or at least a frequent presence) in my life. Though it could be beautiful, at least the first few years, this is not the life I envisioned. But I suspect her being 100% ethical doesn't change any of the opinions here, which are unanimous that I bail. Everybody is saying I bail because it's wrong to committ half-heartedly, I'm doing her a grave disservice and stringing her along, and one should never commit to a relationship when they have such deep misgivings. I don't really have any logical arguments to these points, but would still welcome more thoughts if you're willing to give them.

    Thanks to everyone who responded. I'm so wracked by guilt that I've lost all joy and at the thought of abandoning this woman and her children has caused me to lose all hope for future. I fear if I do leave, I will be forever tormented by the guilt of knowing I could have given this woman and her children a better life. I feel that I will be wracked with guilt until it overcomes my desire to continue living.[/QUOTE]

    That is a little dramatic. So this woman would cease to exist without you? She has done so just fine up until she met you. Her kids were fed and clothed. maybe not in the luxury like you would like them to be, but somehow they were surviving.

    Why is she "so poor" if she has a great work ethic?
    There are single moms that don't get child support and do well for themselves.
    I think you don't have much respect in her/don't believe in her and are getting an ego boost out of feeling superior and as a "rescuer".

    You should not move in with a woman and a bunch of kids unless you are serious about marrying her. You don't get to "play house" when there are kids in the picture.
    If you do not see her as a future wife and do not wish to be a stepdad -then do her a favor and tell her you do not want to move in with her.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Why is she "so poor" if she has a great work ethic?
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Where is she living now? Does she live with the father/ex or family? Did she file for child support for the kids? Does she work or had she filed for assistance with housing, food, medical care and career training? Does she have a car or a job?
    She's an immigrant from a poor country and has no college education. She has worked hard all her life, but her primary focus was always her kids (it has to be, when there are 5 of them!). So she worked relatively unskilled jobs like waitress (that's how I met her), cashier, etc. There was never any money for an education, but I know her well enough to see that if she'd had the same opportunities as me, she'd be making a good living on her own.
    She lives in her own place that she can barely afford, and has most of the 5 kids there most of the time. The ex is dysfunctional and can barely function on his own. After she divorced him, he moved back in with his parents (a man in his 40's). To make a long story short, she wanted so badly to be done with him that she essentially let him off the hook, agreeing to 50/50 custody with no child support because the kids are looked after decently well when their with him, because they're mostly being cared for by their grandparents.

    The short of it is, the ex is abusive and unstable, so she agreed to no support in exchange for never having to deal with the guy, because she knows his parents are taking good care of the kids on the days they're with him. She only has to interact with his parents, who are decent people. But this arrangement, while giving her mental peace, does leave her quite poor, living in a cheap apartment in a bad part of town. It isn't horrible, but I want a better life for her and her kids.

    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    You need to get to the bottom of your guilt here. Yes, you could (in theory) provider her/the kids with a better life. But you could (in theory) do that with a number of people. But at your expense? How is that fair to you?
    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    Why do you feel responsible for this woman and her choices? She chose to have 5 kids. Yeah, that's expensive, most people can't afford that comfortably and so plan accordingly. It's her choice but also her responsibility.
    It's not your job to fix situations for someone you are dating.
    I should explain this better. You see, I myself suffer from lifelong anxiety and depression and keep wondering if the path to salvation is to stop living for myself, and instead live for others. This gets down to the old argument that happiness comes from helping others, not just one's self. I don't trust my own instincts on this question. I fear that if I walk away, I'll end up on a downward spiral of depression and self-medicating with weed or opiates, a path that I never want to go down again. This wonderful woman, with her irrepressible optimism and zest for life, pulled me out of that spiral two years ago, and I feel like I owe her my very life. Her love saved me.

    The other reason I feel responsible for them is because I gave them hope. I never outright committed to moving in together, but I didn't shoot down the idea either, and the kids are innocent. They see mommy with a good man, they finally have a daddy figure that gives them love and attention and they're clinging onto that instinctively. It breaks my heart to think of disappointing them.

    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    What do you think she would have done if she had never met you? Failed miserably or powered through?
    Powered through, definitely. This is a strong woman; she's been through a lot of hardship but miraculously never lost her optimism. It was this same optimism and loving spirit that lifted me out of my depression and substance abuse two years ago.

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Did she give you an ultimatum?
    Not exactly, but when I started spending time with her kids they latched onto me tight and by doing so, forced the issue. Living in limbo (just dating and enjoying my time with her) became impossible for me once I could see how attached the children were becoming.

    So I gave myself this ultimatum, basically. But it had to be done. I was only postponing the inevitable decision anyways - time to get it over with.

    TLDR: Giving my life to this woman and her kids may be the very thing that keeps me from falling off the wagon again. Maybe freedom isn't all it's cracked up to be when the alternative could be depression and substance abuse. Perhaps I can't handle freedom, and need to be locked into a busy family life for my own good.

    I hope this better explains my angst. As you can see I'm a mess. Everybody thinks I've got my act together because they do not see inside my head, they just see a moderately successful guy who looks good on the outside. But the reality is, I'm an anxious, depressed person who until recently was a high-functioning drug addict. This is why I keep wondering if I should just commit in the hopes that having a family and a defined purpose (taking care of them) will paradoxically save me from myself.

    I really appreciate all of you for taking the time to give advice on this forum and help others. You folks are better medicine than any psychiatrist, let me tell you!

  8. #27
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    So it's not you saving her but you hoping she saves you.

    I don't think placing the responsibility for your sobriety on her shoulders is a good thing for you to do. She has enough on her plate.

  9. #28
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Keep in mind that after her and her kids move in with you, she'll have more rights than you'd like to believe. In other words, if things were to go south, you're looking at one h*** of a ride.

  10. #29
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    If you believe the path to salvation is death, then you should not be in a relationship with someone with kids.

    You need to seek professional help and work through your own baggage before committing to anyone.

    Stay strong - don't move in with them. Set boundaries by not seeing the kids so much. Pay for a babysitter so you can go out with her and not be with the kids or see her when they are at their grandparents.

  11. #30
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    I just wanted to update this thread to say thank you all for telling me the truth that I already knew but was afraid to admit to myself. I know that I must end this now, and then spend the next 6-12 months by myself, not dating anyone, to get my mind right. Only then can I be a proper mate and (hopefully) father figure. I will now implement my exit strategy, or escape plan, so to speak. I'll sign off this thread now, it has served its purpose.

    Thanks again, everyone.

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