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Thread: Horrible anxiety over moving in together

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Time to be honest with yourself and listen to the part between your ears - this isn't the right woman or the right relationship for you and you should have stepped away a long time ago. What's keeping you stuck isn't so much your heart as your lower half - she is beautiful. Read in your post how many times you've emphasized that. That's just not enough to make a long term relationship work though.

    Stop stringing her along and end things already. She'll be fine and you'll be fine. Feeling guilty is really arrogant on your part - she is an adult capable of managing her own life and capable of handling break ups. Btw, her telling you that if you dump her she'll never date again is pure emotional blackmail and total bs. She sounds quite manipulative even if you aren't aware of that aspect of her personality.....yet.... I can pretty much guarantee you that she'll find another schmuck to fund her life within a month or a few and will be dripping the same ego stroking syrup into his ears as well. It works. Sorry to be harsh but that's your reality check. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
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    I think you should not move in with her because you have an element of white knight here (POS ex, she's "so poor", etc.) Why not just "date" her. Two years is NOT "Commitment time" necessarily, especially with kids in the mix. For now, i would stop interacting with the kids so much as you do. I would not make promises of moving in - only move in if a ring is on her finger and that is the way it must be with kids. you either commit fully or don't -- you just don't "move in."

    If you really love her, and don't pit her, then just date and that's it. Or break up. I don't think kids are the problem -- there are many women that have kids but have their stuff together and don't need to be rescued.

  3. #13
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    ^
    I agree with the above. Not that there's anything wrong with having a SO, but moving in together with small children involved has the potential of having too many things that could go wrong. I can't pinpoint a specific reason other than it's JMO...

    In short, and as abitbroken said, why not just continue to date?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Imagine moving in with the 5 children and it not working out. The kids are already recovering from having their family unit dissolve. You've shared that they care for you, so we can assume they are becoming attached. Please don't move in with them if you are having these serious reservations. They don't deserve to go through this again.

    Years ago I dated a wonderful man with a small child. I thought it would be ok. My sons were older teenagers at that time and busy with their own lives.

    His baby mama called insessently and there was all sorts of boundary and financial issues I personally didn't have the patience for

    I'd go to my boyfriends house and a typical day would include nap time, an outing consisted of pushing a stroller around and going to a merry go round on a Sunday. At the same my friend was dating a guy who was drinking wine on a boat, watched the sunset that same Sunday.

    I cried when I broke up with him. I had been through all the phases of raising young children and didn't want to have to look forward for another 14 years of doing it again. We were at entirely different places in our lives and his son was getting attached to me.

    But outside of that I knew I was in the wrong place and ultimately I would be resentful and I would have noone to blame but myself. They didn't deserve that. I felt horribly guilty and sad and but I have no regrets that I made the right decision.

    He went on to meet a younger woman who didn't have children. They married, had another child and things worked out perfectly the way they were supposed to.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    The only thing I'd say is don't keep dating if she is looking for a live in relationship that leads to marriage. That's not fair to her. Also, don't keep dating if ultimately you are looking for that deeper relationship where you either live together or eventually get married. It's not fair to you either to stay stuck in the wrong relationship with the wrong person. You are stopping her from moving on and finding the right guy for her and you are stopping yourself from finding the right woman, the right relationship, the right situation for yourself. Basically, don't string her and yourself along. Life is too short for that.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    The only thing I'd say is don't keep dating if she is looking for a live in relationship that leads to marriage. That's not fair to her. Also, don't keep dating if ultimately you are looking for that deeper relationship where you either live together or eventually get married. It's not fair to you either to stay stuck in the wrong relationship with the wrong person. You are stopping her from moving on and finding the right guy for her and you are stopping yourself from finding the right woman, the right relationship, the right situation for yourself. Basically, don't string her and yourself along. Life is too short for that.
    Yes. But i think for the sake of the kids, he should not go cold turkey. First, tell her that he doesn't want to move in with her. She may break up over it or not, then extract yourself from seeing the kids all the time, and then end it if that's what you want.

    If she is okay with just dating and so is he, then they are welcome to it, but if she wants a new husband, then forget it.

    Also, it struck me that the first thing that he said was that she was sexy---- i didn't hear any other traits...

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    My advice is do not agree to moving in with her and second, be honest about where you stand in the relationship.

    Since she has been talking about moving in, you shouldn't lead her on and let her think things may be moving in that direction. Just clear the air there and things will be a lot better for you.

    She too can make a decision whether she wants to be with you. This is a two way street and the decision to continue with the relationship does not solely lie on you. Don't be surprised if she ends up making a decision on what's best for her and her kids also.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Also, it struck me that the first thing that he said was that she was sexy---- i didn't hear any other traits...
    Did I mention she has a heart of gold, has a great work ethic, has boundless positivity and even more boundless energy, and that I trust her completely? If it were just looks, this would be easier, but I know she'd actually be a good partner in every respect. She is just simply a really, really good person and I trust her.

    Her morality is definitely not at issue here; the problem is the size of this commitment and giving the ex so much influence (or at least a frequent presence) in my life. Though it could be beautiful, at least the first few years, this is not the life I envisioned. But I suspect her being 100% ethical doesn't change any of the opinions here, which are unanimous that I bail. Everybody is saying I bail because it's wrong to committ half-heartedly, I'm doing her a grave disservice and stringing her along, and one should never commit to a relationship when they have such deep misgivings. I don't really have any logical arguments to these points, but would still welcome more thoughts if you're willing to give them.

    Thanks to everyone who responded. I'm so wracked by guilt that I've lost all joy and at the thought of abandoning this woman and her children has caused me to lose all hope for future. I fear if I do leave, I will be forever tormented by the guilt of knowing I could have given this woman and her children a better life. I feel that I will be wracked with guilt until it overcomes my desire to continue living.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I read something once. I wish I had read it before I got married (subsequently divorced)

    That when considering a life partner you should consider them a business partner. Is this someone you would go into business with?
    Because when you set aside the warm fuzzy moments and things that attracted you to begin with, you two are running a business.

    The business of taking care of a household you'll need to both have similar values, philosophies and meet on equal ground. Its hard work. Out of the gate you have an uphill battle with the inequity that exists.

    I don't doubt she's a lovely woman but you yourself said this isn't the life you imagined. Try to set aside how amazing she is and look at the brass tacks of the business venture you may be entering.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Did she give you an ultimatum?
    Originally Posted by Wolfe359
    we had great times together for 2 years, She's talking about moving in together and I feel dread.

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