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Thread: Struggling

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Destroyed 33
    She says I love you almost in spite of me. It causes a conflict every time. She uses those words to actually hurt me, which pushes me further away from being able to feel that way about her... Another important factor is that I am about to turn 40 years old. I want a family with kids. I donít know if itís too late or not. She does not want kids. Sheís a miserable person and I would not want her to be the mother of my children.
    You were in a relationship with her for 5 years and never told her you loved her? It sounds as if you like her looks but not much else, so why did you stay with her for so long? You feel devastated now because the relationship became a habit and habits are hard to break. How do you know that "tons of guys message her daily" and why is that of any relevance when she is not someone you love or want to start a family with? Again, it comes down to habit. Look at it as the opportunity for her to meet someone she is better suited to and for you to do the same. As you've discovered, just because someone has "model looks" it doesn't make them a nice person. You've got many years to find a good woman, but if the personality doesn't match the looks, don't drag it out for another 5 years - it's a waste of your time and hers.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Modeling hobby?

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I just want to say I'm sorry you are in so much pain and glad you feel you can write it out. She and you aren't compatible. You're a nice guy and invited her in but I think you also gave her some mixed signals in the relationship. Moving in with you most likely complicated things a lot as you didn't know each other very well.

    Learning to trust again is hard. Sometimes it feels like parts of yourself won't feel the same again and they probably won't but all relationships need a degree of trust to function.
    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    Man, breakups suck. Even the ones that are overdue or right on time...no bueno.

    Donít make choices out of fear. Youíre not too old to have a family (generally a healthy man can be virile well into his 60ís.) You have serious self-diagnosed compatibility issues with this woman, so the fear of not finding somebody better suited for you to date seems illogical.

    As far as what she does, well thatís truly none of your business anymore. Yes, she will sleep with somebody else. So will you. And frankly unless she was the one who chose the ďthings she still needs to work onĒ you mentioned in the OP then they arenít really things she needs to work on. In other words you do you, and stay in your lane. Itís not your place to determine where other people need to improve. You keep your side of the street clean and if you canít accept someone as they are then donít make a project out of them, just relate to them (or cut relations with them) accordingly. Your fear of being alone (it is painful at first, but not dangerous) Can be transformed into an opportunity to enjoy yourself regardless of your dating status. It will help you land that perfect mate to work through the discomfort to a place where you donít ďneedĒ somebody for yourself...but want somebody to share your awesome self with haha.

    It sounds from the outside like youíre experiencing some second guessing and painful adjustment which is absolutely normal, though no fun. Youíre well spoken and apparently prosperous and generous...you will get through to the other side and profit from the experience if you hang in there!! Keep on keeping on man.

    Best wishes!
    Yes i am the one who determined the she needs to work on some things. Itís a fact. She is a miserable human being who basically made me miserable slowly over time. Wore me down to almost a shell of a person. During the times when we would actually fight and I would participate, I told her several times ďI have no right to ask you to change, but if you want this to work, you need to work on being less miserable and trying to be more positiveĒ

    Clearly she was incapable. This is going to be a problem for her in the long run. The next guy might not be so calm and tolerant. Her last relationship she was beaten and had a gun pulled to her head. She has been in a lot of bad relationships and I hope she doesnít remember this one as too bad at least in comparison...

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Modeling hobby?
    Yeah. She got into this little network of models and photographers. She would make plans with them to go out and do photo shoots. She was pretty into it. But yeah, a hobby. As in, no money, just for fun.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I just want to say I'm sorry you are in so much pain and glad you feel you can write it out. She and you aren't compatible. You're a nice guy and invited her in but I think you also gave her some mixed signals in the relationship. Moving in with you most likely complicated things a lot as you didn't know each other very well.

    Learning to trust again is hard. Sometimes it feels like parts of yourself won't feel the same again and they probably won't but all relationships need a degree of trust to function.
    Originally Posted by poorlittlefish
    You were in a relationship with her for 5 years and never told her you loved her? It sounds as if you like her looks but not much else, so why did you stay with her for so long? You feel devastated now because the relationship became a habit and habits are hard to break. How do you know that "tons of guys message her daily" and why is that of any relevance when she is not someone you love or want to start a family with? Again, it comes down to habit. Look at it as the opportunity for her to meet someone she is better suited to and for you to do the same. As you've discovered, just because someone has "model looks" it doesn't make them a nice person. You've got many years to find a good woman, but if the personality doesn't match the looks, don't drag it out for another 5 years - it's a waste of your time and hers.
    You are right but also a little off base. Tons of guys message her on Facebook. She tells me from time to time. Until now we have been in a relationship and she has been loyal and I actually was able to trust her. Thatís all there is to it. But yeah, it was my business due to the exclusivity of the relationship... I gave her trust, she did not break it.

    I donít think she is suited to be with anyone unless that other person wants to be totally miserable and trapped. She needs to fix that, and do it for herself.

    And you are right. I do need to find someone I find physically attractive with a good personality, positive outlook, who is loyal, has a good work ethic, is able to be independent, wants kids soon, gets along with other people,,has a good sense of humor and doesnít start fights all the time. Should be easy. Iíll probably just go pick one up tomorrow!!!

    I was with her for 5 years for several reasons but mostly because I could not bear to hurt her and petrified of the process of breaking up. Also I did hope and try quite a bit to make things work. I wanted things to work. But mostly my fear of the current state Iím in.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    You mention all the things she needs to work on. To focus on you and the things that you need to work on is the better use of your time.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    You mention all the things she needs to work on. To focus on you and the things that you need to work on is the better use of your time.
    I know but this is fresh. Hell, not even at acceptance phase yet. Iím being slammed by a tsunami right now. Just trying to hold on. Iíll be working on myself down the line. Hopefully sooner than later because Iím completely unstable and non functional right now.

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