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Thread: How to tell if he is genuinely interested or is grooming me for sex?

  1. #81
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Once the "agreement" is made and you find out he is not keeping it or is hiding things from you, it's time to let him go. The thing to do is NOT to have yet another "talk" because you already know he's capable of deceit. So what good would yet another "talk" do? Do you WANT to continue to date someone who deceives you? If so, why?
    I think you are right that a "talk" will likely not fix things. I do think it might bring some sort of closure, though. As I got to know him more, I felt like there were many similarities between his background and mine, from the size of the family, dynamics of the family members, profession of the parents, places we have lived around the world, our future goals, our professional interests and curiosities etc. And I thought I liked his personality and enjoyed spending time with him. He felt more mature than other guys I have dated. But now that I'm living through this, I think he has a selfish personality. I'm sure I'll get over him but reflecting on it, I guess these are why I have been wanting this to work out, as well as just simple attraction. Also, I'm the type of person who likes stability and I actually dislike dating new people. But I guess it's a necessary thing to do to find and establish a good relationship.
    Edit: Looks like some video gets automatically embedded to my post as an ad. Not sure if everyone sees the same thing but I am not linking it. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #82
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    "Closure" is a myth.

    I've found that when people insist they need to meet up to get "closure" their real motivation is to try to get the relationship back or to keep it. They hope the other person will want the relationship to continue.

    I'm sure he likes you just fine and he would certainly want to keep the physical relationship going. But let me ask you this; if you found out he was having sex with other women would you be OK with continuing to date him?

  3. #83
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    "Closure" is a myth.

    I've found that when people insist they need to meet up to get "closure" their real motivation is to try to get the relationship back or to keep it. They hope the other person will want the relationship to continue.

    I'm sure he likes you just fine and he would certainly want to keep the physical relationship going. But let me ask you this; if you found out he was having sex with other women would you be OK with continuing to date him?
    Absolutely not. I don't need a FWB situation. I find that if I want to sleep with someone, it's because there is some level of both physical and emotional attraction. And if I have some sort of emotional attraction, then I don't want to be just casual with them. It would hurt me to continue this.

  4. #84
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    So why meet up with him? What could he say that would make you feel like you got "closure"?

    My guess is he's going to sweet talk/charm you into continuing to date him. But knowing what you already know I'm surprised you even want to see him again.

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  6. #85
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    Please do not apologize to me for writing a novel - that is not what I meant. I meant that if you have to write a novel it's often because you're overthinking and trying to make things more complicated to avoid the simple "not that into you" truth.

    There is no need to be a good communicator to make your intentions simple and clear. And there's a simple reason why. When one person wants to be with another, they do not want to risk that person being snapped up by someone else - so they find a way. 15 years ago this week I was in a seemingly complicated situation. I'd seen this guy two times over a two week period, then we didn't see each other for close to two weeks but we finally made plans for a third time - the first two times were completely platonic. The back story - we'd been engaged almost 8 years earlier. Had only sporadic contact, seen each other only one time about two years earlier for a quick dinner. We reconnected to meet and catch up - because he was in town only for the summer! But sparks flew at least on my side. And he was leaving town and he was kind of newly out of a rather serious relationship -so was I - can it be any more complicated?

    But despite all this and him being a kind of reserved/shyer side guy we got back together in a two minute conversation. Because he knew what he wanted - to make sure I knew he wanted us to give it another chance to see if we should eventually marry this time. So it was a one sentence thing. And my response was to stammer, to get teary and to say yes about 60 seconds later. Done. And the "details' took another few minutes -our intention in getting back together (potential marriage), exclusivity, plus my willingness if it worked to relocate.

    There's no script I get it - but if it's not that simple to state your intentions towards each other it typically means it's because you're not on the same page.

    "I'm not dating anyone else" just means what it means -that could change the very next day. The real intention needs to be "I don't want to date anyone else because I only want to be with you."

    The rest is twisting yourself into a pretzel. Find someone who really wants you to do the twist with. In my case we've been married now almost a dozen years.

  7. #86
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Simple attraction + don't want to date new people = FWB.

    You are putting yourself in a one down position

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