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Thread: How to tell if he is genuinely interested or is grooming me for sex?

  1. #61
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    Good point. He didn't. He asked if I was seeing other people before but it wasn't a "okay, let's promise to date exclusively" type of talk. That was my assumption, I guess, which is why I want to initiate the conversation. Perhaps the fact that he hasn't initiated that conversation already means something. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #62
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Unless and until the two of you decide to be in an exclusive relationship, it's best to presume you are not.

    I agree, a talk is called for. It doesn't have to be a demand or an interrogation. A simple "I'd like for us to be dating each other exclusively, including not sleeping with other people. Would you like that?"

  3. #63
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Here's my question:

    Do you want to be in an exclusive relationship with him? Or do you want him to want to be in an exclusive relationship with you, so you can decide if you're into him or not?

    There's a difference.
    Hmm this is also a great question. I think I would like to be in an exclusive relationship with him but I am not 100% sure yet and I guess I shouldn't expect him to be, either. I guess what I am most curious about is whether he is looking for the same thing and sees a potential here or if he has decided this doesn't have a potential and that's why he is moving on to talking to other people while still spending time with me until he decides to see a particular other person he sees potential with. Perhaps I should be asking him this more specifically. I am not that experienced in dating (only had two long term relationships before this and causally dated two people and ended with mutual understanding of "this is not a good fit" before this). Conversations like this feel pretty uncomfortable to me. But I think I need to learn to be comfortable. Just not too sure how to approach it (or whether that conversation is socially acceptable at this point).

  4. #64
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    A simple "I'd like for us to be dating each other exclusively, including not sleeping with other people. Would you like that?"
    This seems like a good way to bring it up and see what he thinks

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  6. #65
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by elyssac
    Perhaps the fact that he hasn't initiated that conversation already means something.
    Could mean a lot of things.

    Could mean that he's not that into it, sure. Could mean that he's comfortable with things a bit gray and undefined for the time being. Could also mean that he's scared of scaring you off, much as you are scared of scaring him off. Could mean that he has very little idea how "into" him you are, or if you're even into him.

    Which goes back to my prior post. What is it, right now, that you want?

    Right now it seems your primary mode of communication is through interpretation and assumption, with the bulk of it being negative and skeptical. Whether that's your nature, a gut response to him, or simply a so-so level of genuine interest on your part I can't say.

    But if what you want is to continue to explore this without exploring others—not physically, not over text bubbles—a very simple, non-loaded talk will let you know if he's on the same page. All you have to do is tell him what page you're on, fully, and then see how he responds, how his response makes you feel.

  7. #66
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Interesting he would volunteer this. You've been dating long enough and have been intimate enough to expect straight answers.

    Make sure you are crystal clear that "talking to and seeing...yet", means you will be also. Perhaps pull back from him a bit. Just as strange as doing this months in, is his mentioning this.
    Originally Posted by elyssac
    I told him "I would appreciate knowing if you are starting to see other people". He told me that he wasn't seeing anyone else at the moment, doesn't date multiple people at once in general since that means too much time commitment, but sure, he would tell me if he does. However, he started to talk to this other woman on an online dating app (where we met).

  8. #67
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I don't see anything wrong with sharing with someone - that if you are going to be having sex with each other that there is some agreement of exclusivity.

    It's not the same as a heavy handed commitment or an ultimatum. It's two people agreeing to not pursue other partners for the time being, to give this the opportunity to see if there is anything worthwhile here. That's all. I don't think it's too much to ask. And if it is, then that's fair. But I won't be crossing that line with someone who is still on line shopping.

    After all, you went into this with the understanding that he wasn't seeing anyone else. Why change the terms, unless he does so on a technicality? He wasn't seeing anyone else in that moment? Or kudos for him for putting it out there, I guess. Now you get to decide if these are terms you can live with.

    I've had it happen to me. No harm. I just told him that if he was in a place in his life where he was open to meeting other people, I respected that and encouraged it. I just couldn't continue to have sex with him anymore. It was a very respectful parting and no hard feelings. Typical of me, I was getting attached, but I got over it pretty quickly. He was really good guy and very transparent about things.

    I am just kinda hardwired that way. I have no hesitation to state it and when I learned to do so, it saved me alot of frusteration and valuable time.
    I always remind myself. . .that if a guy is crazy about you, he isn't going to risk losing you. This guy is definitely risking it.

  9. #68
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Which goes back to my prior post. What is it, right now, that you want? Right now it seems your primary mode of communication is through interpretation and assumption, with the bulk of it being negative and skeptical. Whether that's your nature, a gut response to him, or simply a so-so level of genuine interest on your part I can't say. But if what you want is to continue to explore this without exploring others—not physically, not over text bubbles—a very simple, non-loaded talk will let you know if he's on the same page. All you have to do is tell him what page you're on, fully, and then see how he responds, how his response makes you feel.
    I see a real potential here for a long term relationship. I think you got the right impression that I am interested in exploring this without exploring others. That's what I started to do since we slept together, at least. It looks to me that he is interested in exploring others now if he is starting to talk to them.
    I think I am a skeptical person by nature in general but some of that skepticism is being fueled by his sometimes committal, sometimes casual actions. But I get that instead of guessing, I should be communicating about it. I have been feeling uncomfortable with bringing it up but responses here encouraged me that it is indeed OK and a fine time to bring it up. So I will try to talk about it on our next date.

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Just as strange as doing this months in, is his mentioning this.
    I very much agree with this. I appreciate him being upfront about it, actually but what I find more odd is, if I understood it correctly, he recently started talking to this person and it wasn't someone he has been chatting with since before we started going out/slept together or anything. That's why I interpreted this as "OK, I don't see a potential with you but this is fun so I'm going to keep asking you out... until I find someone with a potential". I need to talk to him and clarify this. Pulling back might not be a bad idea either because I don't think I realized that I've started to get attached. I got upset to learn this, at least more so than I expected to be. I mean, it's fine and I'll move on if he wants to see others, but yeah, I thought I was being perfectly cautious and didn't realize I have been gradually getting attached/ developing stronger feelings for him over time.


    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I've had it happen to me. No harm. I just told him that if he was in a place in his life where he was open to meeting other people, I respected that and encouraged it. I just couldn't continue to have sex with him anymore. It was a very respectful parting and no hard feelings. Typical of me, I was getting attached, but I got over it pretty quickly. He was really good guy and very transparent about things.

    I am just kinda hardwired that way. I have no hesitation to state it and when I learned to do so, it saved me alot of frusteration and valuable time.
    I always remind myself. . .that if a guy is crazy about you, he isn't going to risk losing you. This guy is definitely risking it.
    Yeah, I feel similarly with you: I don't think I'd like to continue to sleep with him if he is going to be seeing/talking to/ exploring a relationship with other people. It's awesome that you feel comfortable just stating it. I think I need to do that, too, great point on saving frustration and time. And yes, I think if he is willing to start talking to others after this many dates in, he is likely not that interested. I will try to clarify this and see if we are on the same page, and if not, just move on.

    Thanks everyone again for your comments and encouragement for communication!
    Last edited by elyssac; 06-09-2020 at 06:07 PM.

  10. #69
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by elyssac
    Yeah, I feel similarly with you: I don't think I'd like to continue to sleep with him if he is going to be seeing/talking to/ exploring a relationship with other people. It's awesome that you feel comfortable just stating it. I think I need to do that, too, great point on saving frustration and time. And yes, I think if he is willing to start talking to others after this many dates in, he is likely not that interested. I will try to clarify this and see if we are on the same page, and if not, just move on.

    Thanks everyone again for your comments and encouragement for communication!
    It was scary the first time i spoke up. The reactions i get reinforce that i am on right track. My self respect along with their respect for my having said so goes up as well.

    Mind you, I am not asking them for anything. I think it only gets scary when you feel like you are putting yourself on the line asking someone for something you may not get.

    I make it very clear that am only speaking for myself and not asking for anything in return. I don't do it to get a desired reaction either. It comes from a confident place of self care and a willingness to act on it.

    I have had men step up when I say what I am respectfuly not willing to do. But that was not my intention.

    I hope you'll come back and update us.

  11. #70
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself

    Mind you, I am not asking them for anything. I think it only gets scary when you feel like you are putting yourself on the line asking someone for something you may not get.

    I make it very clear that am only speaking for myself and not asking for anything in return. I don't do it to get a desired reaction either. It comes from a confident place of self care and a willingness to act on it.
    This sounds very important. I think I need to practice it in my mind a little bit (both in terms of how to approach it in conversation and also how to see it as a statement of truth and checking in without expectations)

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