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Thread: How to tell if he is genuinely interested or is grooming me for sex?

  1. #51
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Interesting twist of fate. Perhaps he was nervous all along? If you want to give it another shot that's great. However if the intimacy portion never 'syncs' are you ready to call it quits? Keep in mind if he doesn't want to continue, it could be sheer embarrassment rather than lack of interest in you per se.
    Originally Posted by elyssac
    I can confidently say it was unfortunately the most unsatisfactory sexual experience I had so far and while I am not sure if it's the same with him, I am pretty sure he was disappointed, too.

    I no longer have concerns over feeling used and I guess we will see how this will go. We did end up cuddling all night and had a pleasant breakfast so at least that was very nice.
    Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #52
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Interesting twist of fate. Perhaps he was nervous all along? If you want to give it another shot that's great. However if the intimacy portion never 'syncs' are you ready to call it quits?
    Yeah, interesting, indeed. I think if it never "syncs" I would call it quits (and I am sure so would he). If we see some improvement over time, I would see a potential for compatibility in that area, too, and continue seeing him because I like him quite a bit otherwise and we "click" on pretty much all other aspects. But I think we are so different in bed that if there is no improvement, I don't see much potential in this relationship. I am not completely sure how to improve it, though. A lot of things in his foreplay don't quite match what I like to get turned on. Then I start to slowly get turned off and I think that contributes to the problem with sex. He likes things super gentle and I move around more so our movements are also out of sync. Since it's a major style mismatch, I am not sure if it will actually improve but perhaps it will. I personally like him enough to see if we would improve and looks like he feels similarly, too.

    I feel a little disappointed about it (I guess I had some sort of expectation in my mind?) but I am sure both of us would want a sexually satisfying relationship and figuring out a major incompatibility early on is important before getting more attached. This also started to change my mind about dating a little bit: perhaps not waiting too long to sleep together is actually a good thing and I should give men more credit for trying to escalate things. I don't think I appreciated that until this date. On the other hand, not feeling comfortable enough with the person to sleep together also increases the chances of a disappointing sexual experience. He actually seemed fairly relaxed and I was the more uncomfortable one, I think. Maybe getting more comfortable next time will help, too.


    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Keep in mind if he doesn't want to continue, it could be sheer embarrassment rather than lack of interest in you per se.
    He actually didn't seem embarrassed at all. To be fair I don't know how he feels but at least that's what it seemed like. I guess he picked up on my feelings because he asked whether I was frustrated and I said no. He then asked whether I was disappointed and I didn't really know how to answer because I was disappointed but I think talking negatively about this will just make things harder. I kind of feel like we need to be reassuring each other about our attraction while giving feedback on what we like if we want to improve things. I asked if HE was frustrated and he said no, he was fine (But he very clearly was not satisfied).
    He seems comfortable and confident enough with himself and me that I don't think he would quit out of embarrassment (plus, I think this is kind of embarrassing for both of us, not just him). I think if he calls it quits, it will just be due to incompatibility.
    Last edited by elyssac; 05-31-2020 at 02:48 PM.

  3. #53
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I think it's good that you are both able to communicate about this.

  4. #54
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    I think it's good that you are both able to communicate about this.
    Yeah, I am happy about that. He later texted and we jokingly talked about it. He said he was attracted to me and would be happy to try different things until we are both satisfied and would be happy to receive instructions from me. I said I was, too. I think the fact that we are willing to work on it and can communicate easily makes things a bit promising. Otherwise it would probably be a lost cause.

    Thanks again for being a sounding board here and also giving your inputs and discussing my concerns with me :)

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  6. #55
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    I'm giving another update here. Things were going very well lately (in fact, getting better in both emotional and physical sense, in my opinion), until yesterday.

    I thought he was serious about us since he (1) wanted to increase the frequency of our meetups, (2) while talking about how pandemic restrictions are pretty much all relaxed here, said he had no reason to extend his circle of people he interacts with, (3) suggested taking a trip together this summer, and (4) started to get involved in my social media accounts (I get that #4 doesn't mean much but I personally don't do this unless I am intending to start a relationship with someone but I guess people are different). Yesterday, he wanted to move one of our planned dates to another day. I was fine with it and agreed to the change but started wondering if that meant he is seeing other people so I told him "I would appreciate knowing if you are starting to see other people". He told me that he wasn't seeing anyone else at the moment, doesn't date multiple people at once in general since that means too much time commitment, but sure, he would tell me if he does. However, he started to talk to this other woman on an online dating app (where we met).

    I was chatting with others, too (no dates), until we slept together. I felt like steadily seeing each other (we have been assuming we spend every Friday night together) and escalating our relationship to a physical level, plus the things above he mentioned meant we were exploring the possibility of something real between us now and I personally feel weird either of us looking for others when we are doing this, which is why I had stopped talking to others. But now, I am starting to feel like this (him talking to others) means he is dating me until someone better comes along and has decided that I am just a casual partner. I want to bring this up so I can make an informed decision before my feelings get even more involved. Firstly, do you think I am reading the situation correctly? Secondly, how do you suggest I bring up this question without scaring him off?

    To be fair, neither of us asked the other to commit to staying exclusive, we just said we have not been seeing others, but we have been chatting for three months, dating for almost two months now. I feel like I want to have a sense of what he thinks/feels about us so far before I get more attached. Do you think it is a reasonable time?

    Thanks for all your advice so far!
    Last edited by elyssac; 06-09-2020 at 11:15 AM.

  7. #56
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    How do you know he's talking to this woman on the dating app?

  8. #57
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Also curious how you know he's talking to this woman. Did he tell you?

  9. #58
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    Yes, he told me in the same conversation. He did specify and say he is not seeing her and doesn't think it is a good idea to see multiple people now and started talking about pandemic stuff. But I am assuming he intends to at some point if he is putting time into talking with this person otherwise why would he.

  10. #59
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You say you "thought" he was serious about you based on what you've observed. But has he SAID he is serious about you? Has he asked you to be in an exclusive dating situation?

  11. #60
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Here's my question:

    Do you want to be in an exclusive relationship with him? Or do you want him to want to be in an exclusive relationship with you, so you can decide if you're into him or not?

    There's a difference.

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