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Thread: How to tell if he is genuinely interested or is grooming me for sex?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    He's dating for a relationship and yes not a platonic friendship.
    I am not really questioning whether he is interested in a platonic friendship, I am questioning whether he is only interested in a hookup or a relationship. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SophiaG
    Just want to point out that many people do subconsciously get pressured into having sex before they feel completely ready to. They "consented" at the moment only to late regret it and feel bad about themselves. It is sad but it happens with well-grown adults. And the other party doesn't even have to be overtly pushing in their advances. You might be surprised how many people are so reluctant to upset/disappoint other people that they suppress their own needs instead. This "if you aren't interested in sex you're leading them on" argument certainly plays a role in it. Taking more time to know someone before starting a sexual relationship is different from depriving them of a sexually fulfilling relationship.
    Totally agree. A lot of people will present specific experiences as general facts, and it can feel very alarmist:

    -- Most men/women won't wait past x amount of time
    -- It's normal to kiss after x dates
    -- If you feel x, then you need therapy
    -- If you want to wait past x dates to have sex, then really you want a sexless relationship

    Etc...

    Obviously, if you believe this stuff, you're going to feel a lot of pressure. Those are the awful voices of self doubt speaking to you and you have to snuff them out.

    Fact is, none of this is proven. People can only speak for themselves and their own experience. And our experience is limited to the people we attract into our lives.

    When you're worried about the potential of a new relationship, it is easy to forget that 'advisors' aren't predicting the future.

    So, a lot of people second guess their own instincts and succumb to that pressure.

    That's unfortunate, because what you want really is out there. But you can only find it if you trust yourself.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    I donít know about the man youíre dating, but I definitely pick up on those vibes.

    Try to relax and enjoy your time with him, it sounds like you both really like each otherís company...?.
    I think you are right that I might be giving off those vibes and that wouldn't be fine. Thinking about "letting things unfold" like you said would be a good idea. We do enjoy each other's company quite a bit I think.

    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    Most healthy people want to be in a relationship with a fulfilling sex life.
    Yeah, you are right, and so do I. I am interested in sleeping with him but I am not interested in a hookup. I guess I couldn't express myself clearly. I am not against having sex with him, in fact, I find him quite attractive. But I am interested in sleeping with him to figure out our sexual compatibility as part of a potential relationship, not to satisfy short term urges and I'd rather spend my time on someone who wants similar things. I guess that's what I am questioning.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by jimthzz
    Are either you or the guy in question dating with the hope for a chaste relationship?

    Would you prefer a man who expresses no sexual interest in you?

    Good luck in finding that in a dating situation.
    What does this have anything to do with the original post?

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by SophiaG
    Just want to point out that many people do subconsciously get pressured into having sex before they feel completely ready to. They "consented" at the moment only to late regret it and feel bad about themselves. It is sad but it happens with well-grown adults. And the other party doesn't even have to be overtly pushing in their advances. You might be surprised how many people are so reluctant to upset/disappoint other people that they suppress their own needs instead. This "if you aren't interested in sex you're leading them on" argument certainly plays a role in it. Taking more time to know someone before starting a sexual relationship is different from depriving them of a sexually fulfilling relationship.


    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Totally agree. A lot of people will present specific experiences as general facts, and it can feel very alarmist:

    -- Most men/women won't wait past x amount of time
    -- It's normal to kiss after x dates
    -- If you feel x, then you need therapy
    -- If you want to wait past x dates to have sex, then really you want a sexless relationship

    Etc...

    Obviously, if you believe this stuff, you're going to feel a lot of pressure. Those are the awful voices of self doubt speaking to you and you have to snuff them out.

    Fact is, none of this is proven. People can only speak for themselves and their own experience. And our is limited to the people we attract into our lives.

    When you're worried about the potential of a new relationship, it is easy to forget that 'advisors' aren't predicting the future.

    So, a lot of people second guess their own instincts and succumb to that pressure.

    That's unfortunate, because what you want really is out there. But you can find it if you trust yourself.
    I agree with these, too, thanks for putting these into words so well! :)

  7. #26
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    Thanks for responding, everyone! Looks like most people think there are no obvious red flags, which is comforting to hear.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    And our experience is limited to the people we attract into our lives.
    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    But you can only find it if you trust yourself.
    Oops, left out some key words

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by elyssac
    Thanks for responding, everyone! Looks like most people think there are no obvious red flags, which is comforting to hear.
    I dont mean to stir the pot. right as you seem to feel comforted...

    but.... I always listen to my gut. If you feel he is only hanging around until you have sex, I would not just dismiss it.

    Follow your own compass... do, say, act in accordance with your feelings. It makes no difference what others think, do or say in their relationships.

    Your relationships are yours. You determine what works for you, with the other person of course...

  10. #29
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    wow... you really are an over thinker :-) You are both young, he is definitely thinking about sex with you. Men dont go on that many dates and do that much talking and getting to know you stuff and not expect it to be leading to the next level of seeing each other. I dont think I've ever had a man pay that much attention to get me into bed at that age so you should be happy to find a man who would even wait for it this long. Sex is very important to a lot of men (and women), and I guess you need to decide are you wanting to sleep with him and maybe become his girlfriend? And do you require some long term commitment before you have sex with anyone? That is fine if you do, im just sussing the situation out. Because hands up here who can reel off a few boys they had sex with at your age just for a bit of fun? haha...okay everyone put ya hands back on the keyboards now ;-). Babe, he sounds lovely. Give him a chance stop over thinking everything. Go with the flow. If its meant to be it will be.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I always listen to my gut. If you feel he is only hanging around until you have sex, I would not just dismiss it.
    Yeah, I do have some odd gut feeling but I mostly can't tell whether that's his main focus or is just trying to advance the relationship, I guess... Thanks for responding! :)

    Originally Posted by Skatterbunny
    wow... you really are an over thinker :-)
    And do you require some long term commitment before you have sex with anyone?
    Babe, he sounds lovely. Give him a chance stop over thinking everything. Go with the flow. If its meant to be it will be.
    Haha, yes, I think I am indeed an overthinker I don't require a long term commitment before having sex, in fact I don't think I would want to commit to someone before having sex to see compatibility first but I guess I require that we look for the same thing (a relationship if all goes well, not interested in hookups) before I have sex. I think this all comes down to us not having talked about what we each look for in dating and me now feeling too awkward to ask that question. But looks like people think it is still OK to ask so perhaps I should just do that. Thank you! :)

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