Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 8 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 72

Thread: How to tell if he is genuinely interested or is grooming me for sex?

  1. #11
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    179
    Originally Posted by elyssac
    Honestly, I did, too. I didn't really know how to respond so I tried to take it lightly and made a joke about the video, but yeah, I feel like stuff like that is pretty awkward early on.
    I would probably at least not reply, or he might think you actually enjoy it and be encouraged to send more


    Originally Posted by elyssac
    Yeah, I kind of wish we talked about it earlier on because I find myself trying to guess (which isn't good) but I also can't bring myself to ask, either. I don't want him to think I want to rush into a relationship because I really don't want to. Do you think "so, what are you looking for?" would still be appropriate to ask now?
    I think you can ask it in a generic way, like "what are your goals regarding dating at this point?" "what would an ideal relationship for you look like?" I've also had guys asking "do you believe in the institution of marriage?" "what are your plans for life in the next 3-5 years?" "at what age do you want to have kids?" Lol. Some of these questions might scare some people off. But again it doesn't have to be an all serious conversation. You are still in the stage of getting to know each other and relationship goals are an important aspect to learn about a potential partner. If he reacts negatively to something that means much to you, say, a long-term relationship, then again you can find out early on and avoid wasting more time on a poor match.

    I wouldn't assume that just because a guy invested in a few dates with you he must be looking for something more serious than hook up. But I wouldn't care too much either as their intentions generally get revealed over time. If you feel any hesitation, queasiness, etc. about having sex with someone, just don't. I would be even more cautious now due to the pandemic. But here is the thing - even if he's looking for a serious relationship with you, and you two have had sex, it might not work out. You might break up in a few months because of other incompatibilities. Would you be okay with that and not think "I should have known he was just after the sex"? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,552
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by elyssac
    Do you think "so, what are you looking for?" would still be appropriate to ask now?
    Totally. What I would say is "appropriate" is anything you need to figure out if this is something to continue to invest in, and something you can feel secure exploring. You have as much agency in this as he does, after all.

    Along with the others, I don't see any red flags on the "grooming" front. Some immature tone deafness in his mode of flirtation, perhaps, but nothing that reads super icky. Of course, if it's not landing with you that's okay, and you can kindly let him know. How he responds to that might help you gauge your level of compatibility.

  3. #13
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    California
    Age
    43
    Posts
    579
    Gender
    Male
    I have gone out with women who were “strategizing” more than “allowing things to unfold” and it showed. I could tell they were always second guessing and trying to decipher the hidden meaning of every interaction. Their guarded nervousness in turn made me nervous. In fact, after a certain degree of familiarity has been reached it’s almost insulting to be doubted rather than taken at face value. I don’t know about the man you’re dating, but I definitely pick up on those vibes.

    Try to relax and enjoy your time with him, it sounds like you both really like each other’s company...?

    If at some point you want to have sex then do that, you’re both consenting adults. If you aren’t interested in sex with him then let him go. Most healthy people want to be in a relationship with a fulfilling sex life.

  4. #14
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    179
    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    If at some point you want to have sex then do that, you’re both consenting adults. If you aren’t interested in sex with him then let him go. Most healthy people want to be in a relationship with a fulfilling sex life.
    Just want to point out that many people do subconsciously get pressured into having sex before they feel completely ready to. They "consented" at the moment only to late regret it and feel bad about themselves. It is sad but it happens with well-grown adults. And the other party doesn't even have to be overtly pushing in their advances. You might be surprised how many people are so reluctant to upset/disappoint other people that they suppress their own needs instead. This "if you aren't interested in sex you're leading them on" argument certainly plays a role in it. Taking more time to know someone before starting a sexual relationship is different from depriving them of a sexually fulfilling relationship.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    39,009
    Gender
    Male
    Why would he have sinister motives? Are you still hurting for your last bf? He's dating for a relationship and yes not a platonic friendship. So asking him is rhetorical. No one can forecast after a few dates/weeks.

    If you are not ready to date, that's fine. If you want to wait for sex, fine also.
    Originally Posted by elyssac
    I [26F] have been going out with a guy [31M]. That was the case with my previous boyfriend, too.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    3,466
    Gender
    Female
    If you don't feel good about something just communicate it with him. There's a possibility there's a misunderstanding there. From your account of events, yeah, I'd consider his behaviour slightly off. Get to know him a bit more. He may have an extremely high libido and you both may not be compatible sexually. All that was muted at the start of your conversations and due to the lock downs.

    I'd also find out more info on when he ended his last relationship as people often carry over previous dynamics and unfinished business/issues from a past relationship into a new one if they have not taken enough time out to heal or recover. Most of the red flags I've discovered in dating were from carry-overs from fresh break ups or break ups where individuals have not completely healed. I've dated men who've said their partners dumped them due to their high sex drive and one who said that was the case and then I realized he still lived with his wife.

    If you feel off about it, get to know each other more and find out more details about him. Keep in mind also that you can get along intellectually with someone but realize also that you're vastly incompatible sexually.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    11,034
    Gender
    Female
    Two months in and you two have an emotional and intellectual connection, as you put it. You better hope he's thinking about having sex with you. Because if he isn't at this point you are now becoming attached.
    Normal, healthy men will be thinking about have sex. The only way you get to know his intentions is by asking. Not by trying to dissect every nuance through a microscope. You ask that question because you believe you have value.

    Asking someone what they are looking for isn't putting pressure on them. You are merely asking him what his purpose for dating is. Not necessarily what he wants from you.
    Experience and maturity has taught me that before I cross that line with a man, I tell them what it means to me. That I don't enter a sexual relationship with someone unless we are on the same page and there is an agreement of exclusivity. I tell them where ever they are at is perfectly fine and I am not asking them for anything. I am just sharing my values. When it comes from a place of confidence, men respect this.
    Even with that there are no guarantees, but it's moments exactly like this where learning to trust yourself is more important than putting all the responsibility for your self care on someone else.
    It's an accumulation of actions, words and time invested that will give you best answer whether to move forward or hold back.
    From what you've shared, if he was grooming you for sex, he would have likely moved on by now.

  9. #18
    Gold Member Skeptic76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    California
    Age
    43
    Posts
    579
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by SophiaG
    Just want to point out that many people do subconsciously get pressured into having sex before they feel completely ready to. They "consented" at the moment only to late regret it and feel bad about themselves. It is sad but it happens with well-grown adults. And the other party doesn't even have to be overtly pushing in their advances. You might be surprised how many people are so reluctant to upset/disappoint other people that they suppress their own needs instead. This "if you aren't interested in sex you're leading them on" argument certainly plays a role in it. Taking more time to know someone before starting a sexual relationship is different from depriving them of a sexually fulfilling relationship.
    It sounds like you’re saying I think she is leading him on?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Posts
    2,158
    OK, it really is simple. Are either you or the guy in question dating with the hope for a chaste relationship?

    Would you prefer a man who expresses no sexual interest in you?

    Good luck in finding that in a dating situation.

  11. #20
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    179
    Originally Posted by Skeptic76
    It sounds like you’re saying I think she is leading him on?
    No, just a general observation. I do get this impression sometimes (not so long ago from another thread here regarding sex/kissing in the early stage of dating) that when a person (typically a woman) feels uncertain about getting physical with someone they just started dating they can be criticized as leading them on.

Page 2 of 8 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast

Videos


What Is Good To Know About The First Date

Online Dating Websites Most Frequently Used By Older Adults

Blogging Helps New Moms Handle Parental Stress

What Do Men And Women Want In A Relationship?

Benefits Of Online Education

Talking To Children Is Better Than Reading To Them
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •