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Thread: Can We Really Be Friends?

  1. #1
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    Can We Really Be Friends?

    I posted a thread a while ago about how the guy I had been seeing and I were taking space. We ended up breaking things off, but we both agreed we could see the other as a friend in time (it honestly didn't feel like the cliché "we can still be friends" talk I've had plenty of times, it was genuine and mutual and somewhat hopeful). I know I personally need some time to mourn the loss of the relationship, but is it possible to really be friends with an "ex"?

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    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Not so long ago, I read somewhere on this board a good rule of thumb:

    If you're asking this question, then the answer is "no."

    Originally Posted by youngnotdumb
    is it possible to really be friends with an "ex"?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    yes. but it takes time and after you've both moved on. the other condition, I think, is required, is mutual friends or a reason to have to interact with each other. Maybe school, work, kids...

    Usually once you are able to be friends, you don't want to be.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I would never date a guy who remained in contact with an ex. Just know that your dating pool will be a lot smaller, and limited to those guys who are okay with you communicating with and hanging out with an ex. Even if you found a guy okay with this, your ex will eventually find a significant other who might not be okay with him being buddies with an ex, and he might drop you like a hot potato.

    Male/female friendships have a different dynamic, and adding in an ex factor, and it makes everything so much more complicated. I've never felt the need to stay in contact with exes and would find it to be harmful to the relationship I have with my husband. Other people might be a lot more free spirited and have that comfort level, but I and my spouse don't.

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    Perhaps I should clarify: we weren't really serious, it was casual and we both knew it wasn't going anywhere. Basically felt like we already were heading in the direction of just being friends.

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    It couldn't have been that casual for you if you need time to morn the loss of the relationship. He was losing interest when you wanted things to get more serious. I would say no because you will always have feelings for this guy.

    Try this....if he found himself a hot GF he was head over heels for this Friday, could you be friends? Would you be able to not feel jealousy? I arrest my case.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by youngnotdumb
    Perhaps I should clarify: we weren't really serious, it was casual and we both knew it wasn't going anywhere. Basically felt like we already were heading in the direction of just being friends.
    It was so casual that you can't let go? Don't kid yourself and no, don't try to hang on and stay "friends". As another poster already pointed out, it will limit your dating pool by a lot and it will keep you stuck as you compare new dates to this guy and pine, even if you don't want to admit you are pining. So many cool and interesting people on this planet, there is literally zero reason to keep ex's around.

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    Some exes can be friends, yes. Do I personally know very many who actually are? No, can't say I do.

    I hear some people say they're friends with an ex, only to later realize they didn't mean they're good buddies who hang out, but rather than they're friendly when they happen to see each other. Others are indeed friends but the only ones I know who successfully manage a friendship are those who have long since moved on from the relationship and are with (or have been with) other people.

    You're not ready to really be friends until you're ready to meet an ex's new partner and have little-if-any emotional reaction.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok, but since the 'space' agreement was made, do not contact him. After all talking as "friends" is why he wanted space...it devolved into arguing and feeling hurt..

    When the casual dating part fell through due to confinement, the talking part was too much for him to sustain. Do not reach out..
    Originally Posted by youngnotdumb
    it was casual and we both knew it wasn't going anywhere. Basically felt like we already were heading in the direction of just being friends.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I probably would have remained friends with at least two or three of them if life didn't go on the way that it has. They have all married too and have their own lives. One is still single and contacted me recently. Very good friend for years after the relationship ended. Declined meeting or keeping in contact though. I wouldn't think it's fair to anyone to keep hanging onto an old friendship that has both waxed and waned with time. It's not personal, just a matter of moving on with time.

    Do I miss the friendship? Sometimes. Or the person themselves? Or wish we had more time? Yes, sometimes. But I traded all that in when I got married and I don't regret it at all. What I got back in return was the total package deal and the thing I'd been searching for but only returned in fragments with others. They're good memories and good people and I hope they are all living good lives out there.

    You're probably wondering when it'll ever end. It'll end when you want it to end and when you've had enough and are ready for a fresh start with someone new. If you're fed up of the same patterns, you'll change. You'll likely go through some transformation and probably revise everything you've wanted in a partner and learn to appreciate yourself more too because your type of guy will change and your eyes will notice people you might not have noticed before. If you give yourself the opportunity to grow, you probably will. Give yourself time and the chance to do that.

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