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Thread: Dealing With Painful Breakup - Doubts Over Correct Decision

  1. #1
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    Dealing With Painful Breakup - Doubts Over Correct Decision

    So this might be a long one but I'll try and get everything in as briefly as possible. I met my ex about a year ago at a party in a club. At the time I was single enjoying life and had been seeing a few different girls off and on and was open to something serious but not really looking for it. I went on a first date with her after getting her number and found her very sweet and nice but wasn't sure if it would lead to anything.

    The second date however we got a chance to spend a longer time together and I realised I felt a connection with her Id never experienced before with anyone. I was really blown away, but the only problem was I'd committed to go travelling for 4 weeks and was leaving the following week. I told her this but she said she really liked me and we agreed we would see eachother again when I returned.

    I'd planned the holiday as a chance to do some solo travelling and meet some other travellers and just have fun. I'd booked it while very much single and I started to feel some doubts about everything, but I told myself I couldn't jump to conclusions about a girl I'd only seen a couple of times and that I should keep in touch with her and go ahead with my plans.

    So I went away, had fun and while I was travelling did meet other girls, but felt a little empty and a bit guilty when I thought back to her. When I got home I was dying to see her, but the fact I had been with other people was playing on my mind I was worried it might ruin things between us.

    In the end I met her again and we spent a great weekend camping, during which she didn't ask much about my time away. I maybe didn't feel quite the same head-spinning attraction to her I had before I went away, but I put this down to those feelings of guilt and not having seen her in a few weeks.

    I have a bit of a history of running away when things get too close and had never previously had a serious relationship, and I knew that I had a great connection with her and loved to spend time with her, so I probably very prematurely asked her if she wanted to be exclusive.

    There was a big problem for her in that she only had a few months left where I live before she had to go home to her country, which is thousands of miles away. I said we shouldn't worry about that now but from the beginning she was preoccupied about whether I would come with her or not and asked me if I was sure a relationship was what I wanted. I told her that I felt something really strong between us and wanted to give it a chance.

    After this we met up several times at parties and to hang out and I met all her close friends and flatmates. I was excited to share my life with someone in a way I never had before and felt good about the future.

    It wasn't long after this though that some problems started. I'd explained to her from the beginning that I'm generally very busy and like my space, and that I'd never liked the idea of being in a glued-at-the-hip relationship. She agreed and said she didn't like that either, but when I told her a couple of times I was tired and maybe another day would be better to meet up, she said OK but seemed very disappointed.

    Throughout the relationship she told me I seemed very cold and distant every time I was with her, and that it seemed I didn't want to be there. This was far from true especially at the beginning but I also felt she very much wanted me all for herself whenever we were out, and I wanted a chance to get to know her friends and for her to know mine. Though we had a good clear the air conversation about this fairly early on, it was something that kept coming up and I eventually started to feel like I was walking on eggshells a little bit every time I saw her, waiting to get asked why I was so distant or my mind seemed elsewhere.

    I thought maybe issues from my past were affecting things. I was very open with her that I'd had a tough childhood and a difficult relationship with my mother, which had caused a few anger issues with women and sabotaging of relationships. She was incredibly supportive of me when I talked about this and seemed to really appreciate that I'd opened up to her. I felt loved and listened to in a way I never had before by anyone and it brought us closer together.

    Despite this, jealousy seemed to start to play an increasing part in our relationship. She told me that I talked a lot about my ex (I brought her up once or twice about fairly innocent things) and asked me if we were still in contact claiming she had sent her a friend request on Facebook (which I highly doubt given my ex had told me she didn't have space for me in her life and clearly wanted to move on). She became paranoid about co-workers and female friends and I had to repeatedly tell her that I didn't have any feelings for them.

    The first big issue arose however when I showed her a picture on my phone through Facebook and she saw that I had made searches for a few girls. I'll admit maybe I was in the wrong there but sometimes bored and home I'd look up people I used to know or see just to check what they were doing with their lives (male or female, though probably mostly female). She took this as a sign I was talking to other people and decided to look through my phone without my knowledge, which she admitted and apologised for, but shed gone as far as looking at timestamps and claimed I was searching for other girls even when we were together, which I don't think was true.

    We made up and that was that for a while, but after a couple of weeks she told me that a male friend was coming to visit her, and would be staying in her room and they would spend a couple of nights alone together. She also told me he was single and also that he got around, so I found it absolutely bizarre that I would think it was fine for him to stay alone with her without knowing anything about the guy. Again we talked it out but I was starting to feel there was a lack of self-awareness and some double standards on her part.

    After that, we had agreed to go on holiday together, and just as everything was booked she began crying and said I would want to break up with her. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she was actually 7 years older than me. She'd told me originally we were the same age but shed felt scared if she was honest I wouldn't want to be with her and had hidden it for 4 months. I couldn't believe she wouldn't tell me something so basic for so long but we made up and I made a resolution to rethink things after our holiday.

    We went away and things went great, I felt closer to her than ever but there were a few moments where she would get extremely jealous about something or someone. One night she decided to ask out of the blue if I had been with anyone while I was travelling before we got together. I was honest and said I had and she went cold and barely talked to me for hours.

    In spite of that on the last night I told her I felt closer to her than ever and I'd had a really good time. She agreed but as we were going to sleep she started a monologue about every time she felt I'd looked at another girl and maybe I didn't want her and we shouldn't be together. It felt really bad but I said we should talk in the morning.

    When we got home I mentioned what she had said the previous night, I intended it as an honest discussion to work things out but the issue of plans and moving away came up and she ended up telling me there were too many "buts" and we abruptly broke up. The truth was that I was in love with her but they way she had behaved in some situations was giving me serious doubts about moving thousands of miles away with her and leaving everything behind, in addition to not being sure if it was compatible with career/study plans.

    I was devastated and felt like my heart had been ripped out but gave it a week to process things. After this I decided to contact her and try to work things out, on the condition that I'd have to work together on the things that were affecting the relationship negatively. She agreed and we gave it another go.

    I tried to be less distant with her and more conscientious about what she was feeling. I also agreed I'd probably avoided the issue of whether I would move away with her and I'd try to be more open about this.

    For a while things went great but eventually jealousies started to creep back in and she became fixated that I was continually checking out his brothers girlfriend, something which was completely untrue.

    We eventually broke up a second time when we went away together for Christmas in a big group, including her mother who had flown over and I was meeting for the first time. It was my first time away from my family at Christmas and I tried to make the best of it but I found things hard. I found her mother to be completely manipulative and difficult to talk to, and thoughtout the Christmas period I felt my girlfriend decided to take her side in everything and accuse me of not making an effort rather than try to accommodate us both. One evening for example I woke up alone and discovered she had gone to sleep with her mother. She didn't want to explain this initially but eventually told me her mother was feeling lonely and felt she was getting in the way of us, so she decided to spend the night with her.

    The final straw was when the day after Christmas we decided to play some drinking games, and they group decided to play a game where you could take a shot or tell the truth in answer to a question. She was asked if she would marry someone for a European visa, to which she answered yes. She had told me before she had considered this with her ex so I wasnt too bothered, and she knew I wasn't ready to think about something as serious as marriage.

    However when we were next alone together she asked me if the question had upset me. I said no as I knew she had thought about it before with her ex. She then asked would I be upset if she married someone for a visa while we were still together. I said of course I would and she said her ex had offered her again within the last month, and if we weren't together she would think about it as it was a really good opportunity.

    The whole thing felt totally manipulative and designed to shame me into making a decision about our future. I couldn't believe this was the same person whod been so supportive of me and who I shared such a deep connection with, but in hindsight I know it was borne out of frustration.

    Some days after this she announced a string of travel plans to her family while we were having dinner, none of which she had mentioned to me. It felt like a very manipulative "take it or leave it", and I said nothing but calmly took it on board and arranged to meet with her alone a couple of days later, where I told her I didn't seem to be in her plans and we should break up.

    Her immediate reaction was to say that she hadnt expected it, but this proved I'd never cared and just wanted a friend's with benefits situation, that I had been more concerned with other girls the whole time and never had any intention of moving away with her. I stayed calm and told her that defintely wasn't the case but if she needed to think that I understood. Eventually she came round and we had a very emotional goodbye where we talked about all the good thing we'd shared and we said we'd stay in touch, which proved to be a mistake.

    Our only contact after that was when she asked me for some holiday photos and didn't respond when I asked how she was doing. A few days later she deleted me on social media. I told myself I should give it some time, but couldn't avoid constant checking of Facebook, Instagram etc.

    It didn't really allow me to let go, and I continued to miss her and wonder if I'd done the wrong thing. The current lockdown situation ramped these feelings up and I decided to contact her again. She told me she was upset that she hadn't contacted me sooner after we broke up and didnt think we should meet again. I've since seen her on a clue of occasions on the street and waved hello as we live close, once holding hands with another guy which was very difficult to see.

    Its been over 4 months since we broke up and I finally took the long overdue decision to block her and her friends on everything, partly not to have to see photos of a new relationship but also to get her out of my mind.

    I've started seeing someone else recently also but have no plans to start anything remotely serious soon. Despite the troubles we had there's a nagging feeling that I've lost my soulmate and will never have that connection with someone again, someone I felt deeply for and is still on my mind a lot. There's no doubt there was something really powerful there and it's very difficult to imagine finding that with someone else or leaving her in the past, though I've now accepted I have to move on.

    There's also a nagging guilt and self-criticism that maybe I was a bad partner or its all my fault, and that I've lost her to someone else because I was too stubborn or took things the wrong way, and that some of these things could have been easily worked out with a little bit more communication.

    Something I've never really figured out is that especially after the initial couple weeks of seeing her I felt a bit apprehensive when we met up rather than madly in love, which made me question if her fears were right and I did just want someone else. Thinking back on our time together and judging by how I've felt since the breakup though I know that's not true, but those feelings maybe weren't as promiment as I'd expected or shed wanted.

    If you've made it this far thanks for reading. I know it's a long post and maybe there's no use over-analysing it but I'm trying to figure out what I can learn from it that might be useful in future for myself and how I can eventually move on. Cheers and Id appreciate any and all advice/thoughts. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
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    This woman was a trainwreck and most certainly not your soulmate.

    She is manipulative, dishonest and dramatic. It's likely that all the accusations she hurled against you were the product of her own guilty conscience for her poo behaviour, which you may not even know the extent of.

    Don't let the loneliness or idleness of lockdown cloud your vision too much. This relationship was never meant to last, man. You are far better off without this person in your life.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Removing your ex from social media is a healthy step forward. You did the right thing.

    Take a time out if you have to. It's far better being single than being with someone to fill a void or a loneliness inside you that no one can really fill because you're still in pain. If you have unresolved issues with your parents or your childhood, now might be a good time to process and let go of any anger and resentment from the past. Are you able to reconnect or speak with your mum, for example? Is this an option?

    My personal opinion is that you'd do better with a partner who is more confident in herself and doesn't look too deeply into all your flaws and accepts you for being you. If you're not able to 100% focus or be present due to residual hurt/pain/trauma or unresolved issues, your partner has to accept that about you too if she chooses to make you a part of her life. We are not all perfect though I think we all try to be a little better bit by bit over time. Your partner should be able to have a good time and have the confidence and a big enough heart to believe in not just herself but in you. You can cut out all the funny business looking up other ladies also and things will also go a little smoother, mind you. It takes two to tango. Don't take all of the break up on yourself. Maybe there were some things you did right and some things not so right but at the end of the day, the right person should be able to be strong enough to stand beside you and willing enough to understand all of you.

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    She is a manipulative, controlling, lying, insecure nutcase. So many red flags! You should have ended this disaster early on!

    If you have feeling for the ex, I think it is selfish to string this other woman along. You should be processing this mess of an ex and what kept you in that dynamic.

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    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    too much of drama there for you, its good you broke up, if this is the case imagine how it will be if you had been living with her. it would have been devastating. She doesn't sound mature enough to be in a relationship.
    Don't get involved with anybody for a while, sense you still have strong feelings for this ex. This feelings needs to go away before you jump into another relationship. I know it will suck but that is how it is with the matters of heart.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok you tried a serious relationship and it's just not for you. That's fine. Just be honest with yourself and others about that.

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    Thanks for your replies so far. I wouldn't disagree with anything anyone has said r.e the flaws. I think a hard lesson Ive learned through this though is that when you're on the outside of a relationship you can only see the negatives, whereas when you're in it you can see the sweet moments and the ways someone loves and supports you despite all the other stuff, maybe why people stay in unsuitable things for so long. When we got back together it was with a view to working on our own stuff equally so we could go forward together, and in the end I felt like there just wasn't enough of that.

    I realised probably a lot of what she was doing didn't originate from me, as she grew up with a very young mother and an absent father and had had a couple of previous bad relationships. There were moments where she seemed to realise that but there always seemed to be another small argument around the corner where I felt the blame for it rested squarely on me.

    Something I'm struggling to process is the mix of feelings I had when we broke up. At various times I felt shed showed me a love and support I hadn't felt from anyone else, and wanted to know me on a deeper level than girls I'd previously been seeing. Some of the things she did or said at Christmas especially though had me questioning this as I couldn't believe you'd say them to someone you really cared about, and I was so angry and frustrated at everything that I almost felt the whole thing was false and and she could have me replaced with someone else in 5 minutes. After we broke up I discovered that she's seeing someone else and that that's been a thing at least since March, which makes me ask all sorts of questions.

    Trust was a huge issue too and I'm left wondering how much I didn't know about. She told me shed been single for a year without being involved in any way with anyone and had just wanted to meet someone special, but from other stories it seemed like shed liked to go out and have a good time when she was younger. Especially as she lived in an environment with loads of foreign students and casual sex I wondered how likely that was, or why she would suddenly stop having flings waiting for some person to come along if it was something she used to enjoy. I've been around the block myself but was honest about that and never said otherwise or that I was specifically looking for someone special when we met.

    As for seeing someone else, I've been very clear with the person I'm seeing that Im not looking for anything serious but yes, the right thing for now may be just to break that off and stay alone for a while.

    I tried a serious relationship and it's not for me? Well maybe this one wasnt for me, maybe I wasn't ready at this point, I don't know. Maybe neither of us were. I'm going to try and get back to enjoying my single life like I used to, but I'm not going to write off ever having a serious relationship just yet haha.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If everyone is the one who got away while your with the next one and the grass is always greener and you need to tell them about 'troubled childhoods, 'mom issues', etc if they dare to get too close. It sounds like you want the sex and perks but make sure you have one foot out the door at all times. Some would consider that leading them on.

    Good you told this one 'nothing serious'. They are not the problem, but neither are you if you simply relax and admit to yourself that romantic hassles are not for you. FWB would be perfect for you, however in your attempt not get hurt you'll probably damage a lot of women with your distance-keeping preference and fooling yourself. It's your job to fix the mom issues and childhood trauma, not careen through other's lives recklessly because you are damaged.

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    Fair enough and thanks for the response. I think you're right about a fear of committing to something, but I've been in plenty of relationships where I wanted just sex and did not have any romantic feelings, so it's not exactly something new to me. This definitely wasn't that.

    Maybe I was being unfair with her though if I wasn't ready to move away with her once we got into the relationship. I'll take it on board

  11. #10
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    I think that you purposely chose her, as you knew there would be no future. She was safe. No one could have a relationship with a her, she is a total mess.

    Perhaps, id you want a healthy relationship, you will deal with your trust issues and past, so that this may be possible.

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