I think I broke up with him...

Hey everyone,

I'm not sure what I need advice on here, but I'm going to write anyway to vent.

I always feel like my ex/boyfriend doesn't respect me. But I suffer from anxiety and when talking to him about things I feel to be issues he twists them, and then I feel like I'm being irrational and I'm at the point now where I don't know if I'm being irrational or not.

He has a friendship circle of 3 guys and their girlfriends. When he is invited out when them either they invite me too or he invites me because I'm his girlfriend I'm not sure which. They are perfectly polite but don't actually try to get to know me or be my friend. No matter how hard I try.

Given that lockdown is going on right now and it's one of their birthdays they did an online quiz for it. He mentioned it a few weeks ago when it was "in the works" not invited just off handedly mentioned. Well Saturday he vanished and when he messaged me he told me they'd been doing this quiz. I said oh, where was my invite? And his reply was I asked you. I said no you didn't you mentioned it weeks ago but that's it. His reply to this was you don't normally like my friends and I said do you wonder why now? He followed that with if you were interested you should've said. Then I explained once again and have done many times that they are polite but they don't actually want me around and that's the way I feel. His reply was "no matter how you feel you are wrong"

The following morning he messaged me like it hadn't happened and I told him I had had enough, he didn't understand my feelings or take any time too and I just wanted to be alone for a peaceful life. He responded saying fine I'll piss off and leave you on your own.

This is just one case, there have been many many more some way worse. Now after 2 days of not talking not only am I not sure if he realised I wanted this over I'm now feeling like I'm being irrational. I still feel the way I did, and what frustrated me more is his ignorance.

My mind is waging a wear with itself 🙁

For more context he had a very close female friend who would always flirt with him, send him smutty messages and try and get him to ditch me to go meet her (wait until I fall asleep and sneak out) and when it all came out he defended her, instead of understanding why I was upset he simply said she was joking and I was being irrational. There are plenty more but hey...

His friends don't accept you like they do him and each other. It happens.

The best you could have done was either accept it and go do things with your friends when he was with them or end the relationship if it bothers you that much.

But as hurtful as it might be, they don't actually have to like you. They were polite, and that's all that really is required.

When you date someone, it's not a guarantee that his friends will like you or that your friends will like him. It's just how it goes.

As for him having a trashy woman friend. Again...YOU are the one who chose to date a guy that would befriend a woman like that. You don't need to stay with him.

I think its common to question endung a rekationship, even of it is/was tge right thing to do.

Forget the friends... you don't need them to be your friends... I can see why you would want you all to be a clique but its not required.

The real deal is the things you said about how he treats you. You definitely deserve to be with someine that not only makes more effort, but actually gives a flip about the things you care about... whether they are justified or not had nothing to do with it. They're yours and he should care...

Do not back down now or try to contact him, because all that will do is prove to him that you will put up anything and your words are only threats...

You can't break it off and then take it back. that is not cool.

You did the right thing. you're just going through a break up. Its hard even when its right.

Hang in there. Dont beat yourself up for standing up for yourself and sayibg how you really feel. You'll meet someone else. Give it some time.

I agree, friends don't have to like me there is no rule saying they do. My issue is that I know this and I explain this to him and he basically says my feelings and thoughts are not accurate and defends them even though I assume he probably knows its true as well.

He claims she is always "joking" maybe he even believes that. she didn't start this kind of thing until we had been together for 8 months or so already. But he didn't seem to understand again why her "jokes" annoyed me and certainly wasn't willing to tell her to stop. It's a non issue now anyway, but felt I'd mention it as its another clear time when my feelings and thoughts weren't heard or were heard but ignored anyway

Thank you. Your reply helped more than you could know.

I guess I Just needed someone to validate that I'm not crazy, he makes me feel crazy.

As for the break up I am so done, I won't be contacting him. I don't have the energy to bother fighting anymore. I'm hoping he realises exactly what I was saying when I said that. But I'm not convinced he will

Just look at it this way..he doesn't care to try to actually have you a part of his friends group. He also friends slimey women who are total jerks.

That says a lot about him.

Be glad you walked away. Now the door is open for another man who might be far better for you and to you.

he makes me feel crazy.

Another reason to be glad it's over.

Firstly, no one would be happy dating someone who puts you out in the cold and not included with his friends. (They don't have to like you, but it feels bad).It makes a person feel crappy.

Secondly, who wants their man talking to a trashy woman, joking or not?

You aren't crazy, he's a jerk.

I second the jerk comment. Stay away from people like that. He isn't treating you right in so many ways. It's not necessarily about what his friends think and more about how he speaks to you and what he thinks of you as a person in the way he treats you.

Remember that by staying for that kind of treatment or behaviour, you're also teaching someone that it's ok to treat you that way. Break that cycle and walk away.

What his friends think of you is their business. It's natural to want to feel accepted or liked but it's not always going to happen. Even if there was a misunderstanding, telling you that "no matter how you feel you are wrong" is childish and rude. I think there are two lessons here: 1) know when to back off and pick your battles when it comes to your partner's friends (don't sweat the small stuff) and 2) be around people who add to your life in positive ways. Just stay away from negative, childish and rude individuals.

As for the inappropriate friend he has, maybe it's a reflection of his own low self-esteem. People who think well of themselves wouldn't go behind their partners' backs to do anything they shouldn't nor think it's ok. Just accept that you have different viewpoints. I wouldn't waste energy trying to fix this type of person. He's too far gone and needs to do some searching on his own.

As for the inappropriate friend he has, maybe it's a reflection of his own low self-esteem.

Possibly, but it also could be something that is worse. It might be that he is not the nicest guy and actually enjoys the attention from trashy type of women.

If that's the case, be glad you're away from him.

He makes you feel less than and is a jerk.

You need to address why you would consider him back. Let him begone for good!

Just read the bit about the "friend." Why are you second guessing any of this. he does not respect you. Block and delete.

Reflect on what you want. Not this chronic fighting, right?

He claims she is always "joking" maybe he even believes that. she didn't start this kind of thing until we had been together for 8 months or so already. But he didn't seem to understand again why her "jokes" annoyed me and certainly wasn't willing to tell her to stop. It's a non issue now anyway, but felt I'd mention it as its another clear time when my feelings and thoughts weren't heard or were heard but ignored anyway

Wait, back up - who is "she"?

And what kind of jokes are we talking about here? I have feeling this is less about the general social circle and more about this one particular girl. Can you elaborate on this?

Wait, back up - who is "she"?

 

And what kind of jokes are we talking about here? I have feeling this is less about the general social circle and more about this one particular girl. Can you elaborate on this?

She is another friend of his (not in the friendship circle mentioned) this isn't about her or his friends specifically though. I wish it were.

Either way she hasn't been around for a year or so now. To my knowledge but that could also be wrong.

I mentioned it purely because these big fights happen, where I am upset, and instead of being handled my feelings are ignored or its twisted to the point of he makes it look like I'm being over dramatic and irrational.

Then I end up feeling guilty for being mad, over something I should actually be really ewally mad at. If that makes sense at all

Given that lockdown is going on right now and it's one of their birthdays they did an online quiz for it. He mentioned it a few weeks ago when it was "in the works" not invited just off handedly mentioned. Well Saturday he vanished and when he messaged me he told me they'd been doing this quiz. I said oh, where was my invite? And his reply was I asked you. I said no you didn't you mentioned it weeks ago but that's it. His reply to this was you don't normally like my friends and I said do you wonder why now? He followed that with if you were interested you should've said. Then I explained once again and have done many times that they are polite but they don't actually want me around and that's the way I feel. His reply was "no matter how you feel you are wrong"

 

The following morning he messaged me like it hadn't happened and I told him I had had enough, he didn't understand my feelings or take any time too and I just wanted to be alone for a peaceful life. He responded saying fine I'll piss off and leave you on your own.

Uggh, even this small excerpt of your relationship is exhausting to me.

Why fight for this??

You're so much better off on your own.

Stay strong!!

Sounds to me like this relationship is a lot like trying to mix oil and water or pounding a square peg into a round hole.

He is not an emotional or empathetic kind of a person. So you can talk about how something makes you feel until you are blue in the face and nothing is going to change between you. He doesn't get you and you don't get him. This also extends to his friends and the similar dynamic between them and you. You are more sensitive, they are probably more like your bf, colder kind of people. Remember that we choose our friends by who we are ourselves. If you find that you don't like or get along with his friends, it won't be long before your relationship turns to conflict as well. It's a good indication that your personalities don't mix well. It's NOT because you are bad people, but simply because you are too opposite of each other and therefore it's too wide of a space to bridge between you. There will be too many fights, too many misunderstandings, and too many hurt feelings all around. Lots of frustration and building resentments.

Long past due to let this go. In the future, focus more that your temperaments are more similar and more aligned. Don't keep trying to make it work with a person who is too different from you and who can't get you. If you try too hard for too long, yes eventually you'll start to feel crazy. You aren't crazy, of course, just not seeing that the cause of all your conflicts is core personality/temperament differences. You aren't crazy, he isn't crazy, but you two are so different, you'll never see eye to eye enough to be happy or live conflict free.

Healthy relationships are actually easy to be in. Sure you might disagree about something once in a blue moon, but even then, it's easy to resolve when both people are fairly similar and willing to compromise evenly and hear each other out and most importantly, actually get each other emotionally. You and your bf just aren't a fit that way.

My ex husband was similar. I told him I would love it if, just one day a month, he did something special for me (and of course, I for him). I told him, the other 335 days of the year I didn't want anything, just those 30 days. And I didn't want anything big, a small gesture would have been perfect.

He said that was too much to ask.

When I went shopping for me and the kids I always picked up something for him. Him, not so much. He never thought "I am at the store and maybe Wife would like this pair of socks or this bottle of hand lotion". Nope, didn't happen.

He wasn't going to "change" no matter how much I thought he should "want" to.

The even more frustrating bit is that I agree, my hopefulness has kept me with him, hoping he would change or want to change.

But more so, he always claims that he wants to change, so it'll make be happier or whatever and he never does.

Kinda makes an effort for the first week or so but then goes right back to normal. I would've appreciated if he'd have simply said this is who I want to be (fair enough, I didn't ask him to change) but he kept me with him because he knew I was hopeful and that's annoying, I feel like I've wasted time. Time I shouldn't have wasted.

At the very least he hasn't been in contact so perhaps this time he realises I am done, and not just pissed 🤷♀️

The even more frustrating bit is that I agree, my hopefulness has kept me with him, hoping he would change or want to change.

 

But more so, he always claims that he wants to change, so it'll make be happier or whatever and he never does.

 

Kinda makes an effort for the first week or so but then goes right back to normal. I would've appreciated if he'd have simply said this is who I want to be (fair enough, I didn't ask him to change) but he kept me with him because he knew I was hopeful and that's annoying, I feel like I've wasted time. Time I shouldn't have wasted.

 

At the very least he hasn't been in contact so perhaps this time he realises I am done, and not just pissed 🤷♀️

You can't really blame him for trying and failing to please you. At some point you have to own responsibility for the choices you were making in this relationship and especially for the desire to change someone rather than admitting incompatibility and walking away. It's a bit of ego and hubris to think the other person owes you change of personality.

In this case, you are both 50% guilty of trying to force something that doesn't mesh to mesh. Just like he was free to say this isn't working, you are too. Don't dump this solely on him because that is not going to help you grow and learn from this mistake that YOU made yourself. You have your own agency and free will and never forget that.