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Thread: Made a list of pros and cons of my boyfriend. Does this mean I should end it?

  1. #1
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    Made a list of pros and cons of my boyfriend. Does this mean I should end it?

    I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and 3 months. We're 23years old. Due to this whole isolation thing I've been rethinking our relationship and I'm afraid I don't feel in love with my boyfriend any more, but I don't know if it's the fact that we're apart.

    Here's the list I made:
    Pros: He's very sweet and affectionate, supports me and my art, writes/sings songs for me, we have a great sex life, he has a stable income with his growing business, he doesn't drink or smoke or go out partying too often.

    Cons: he's VERY stingy, can be harsh during arguments, is mostly defensive when we argue over something, he can hold grudges, doesn't feel comfortable with my mom, will hardly ever make gifts (a lot of our arguments have been over this and me getting upset over expecting stuff), he's lied over some things that have made me feel insecure before, he used to be very open about liking a totally different type of girls (blonde tall women vs me being a petite brunette)

    We were together for a year until we both went abroad, things got very hard long distance and all his cons got stronger, we argued a lot, he would neglect me cause he was enjoying his time in a new city, but after a lot of arguing he finally said he'd put in the effort and apologized. After that first semester, we both met for Winter break in our hometowns, and everything was perfect. He did not behave stingy at all, was very romantic and sweet, my birthday came and he treated me like a princess, but we were meant to go back abroad again. Since I was supposed to leave to China, it got canceled when this started. He, on the other hand, was able to leave (to Germany), and things got bad again. He wanted us to ignore our 2nd anniversary cause he said he'd already spent a lot of money on souvenirs for me and my birthday, we also got into a huge fight during Valentine's Day because of this (he didn't do anything for me and I'd sent him stuff), and of course the whole time difference made it tougher.
    He was forced to come back due to the pandemic, and while he's been here things have been neutral (we still haven't been able to meet, so we haven't seen each other since February), yet we have argued over the usual stuff, and even when we're "okay" I have stopped feeling okay. I just feel like I don't care anymore for this relationship, but I don't know if it's because of the distance (since last Winter break was wonderful). He's his usual self: super corny when speaking to me/texting, but still nothing special, I'm not a superficial person, but he knows I enjoy small shows of affection every now and then. I made him a portrait this month for our 27 monthversary and he liked it a lot, but I haven't really gotten anything from him.

    I don't know what to do or if I'm overthinking everything because of the isolation.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Honestly, it sounds like the cons outweigh the pros.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You say he "isn't comfortable" with your mom, but in your previous thread you say he "hates" her. In fact, that is the title of the thread.

    Your "pro" list is very basic. Like, millions of men can be affectionate and be supportive and you can have good sex with them. And many men are gainfully employed and don't party.

    Your "cons" list is much longer. It's paragraphs. I would wonder why that is.

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You say he "isn't comfortable" with your mom, but in your previous thread you say he "hates" her. In fact, that is the title of the thread.

    Your "pro" list is very basic. Like, millions of men can be affectionate and be supportive and you can have good sex with them. And many men are gainfully employed and don't party.

    Your "cons" list is much longer. It's paragraphs. I would wonder why that is.
    I changed the word "hate" cause I think I was being too harsh. We discussed it and he said he'd put in the effort to have a better relationship with her. I still know he's not comfortable with her, though.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I'm afraid I don't feel in love with my boyfriend any more So why continue? It's common for people to outgrow each other, or for one to outgrow the other in youthful relationships. If your love language is gift giving and he knows this but fails to please you, as long as you're reasonable and it's not super expensive stuff, then obviously he doesn't enough. The fact that he used to ooh and ahh about tall blonds to you is disrespectful and unkind. A person with those traits doesn't sound like the treasure you'd probably like as a lifetime partner.

    This is a time in your life where you will be meeting so many guys your age, so it's not like this guy is your only hope of romance in life. I'd say you need more dating experiences and more lifetime experiences before choosing the right partner.

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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    I'm afraid I don't feel in love with my boyfriend any more So why continue? It's common for people to outgrow each other, or for one to outgrow the other in youthful relationships. If your love language is gift giving and he knows this but fails to please you, as long as you're reasonable and it's not super expensive stuff, then obviously he doesn't enough. The fact that he used to ooh and ahh about tall blonds to you is disrespectful and unkind. A person with those traits doesn't sound like the treasure you'd probably like as a lifetime partner.

    This is a time in your life where you will be meeting so many guys your age, so it's not like this guy is your only hope of romance in life. I'd say you need more dating experiences and more lifetime experiences before choosing the right partner.
    I never ask for expensive stuff, like even a written note would've been OK last Valentines, but he says I don't appreciate what he gives me if it's not material (and it's not true, I do, but I like special occasions to be special).

    I feel hopeful things will be different in person, this is why I haven't broken up with him. But I don't know if it's me falling in love with potential and having false hopes.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I've never in my life heard of a "27 monthversary."

    You sound incredibly high maintenance. Regardless, if you're not feeling him, then you're not feeling him. By all means feel free to search for a guy who isn't so "stingy" he won't give you gifts on any given odd-numbered month of a milestone. Stop raising arguments if someone doesn't fit the mold you'd prefer they fit. There are enough men out there where you don't need to waste either of your mental health or energies jamming a square peg into a round hole. You've got an essay addressing his cons and literally a single sentence describing his pros. I'd listen to yourself.

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    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I agree with j.man. You are too high maintenance for that guy.

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    Originally Posted by j.man
    I've never in my life heard of a "27 monthversary."

    You sound incredibly high maintenance. Regardless, if you're not feeling him, then you're not feeling him. By all means feel free to search for a guy who isn't so "stingy" he won't give you gifts on any given odd-numbered month of a milestone. Stop raising arguments if someone doesn't fit the mold you'd prefer they fit. There are enough men out there where you don't need to waste either of your mental health or energies jamming a square peg into a round hole. You've got an essay addressing his cons and literally a single sentence describing his pros. I'd listen to yourself.
    Hahaha, we don't celebrate monthversaries at all, but he said I could help him by leading by example. Last month I jokingly tagged him in one of those "tag someone and if they don't reply they owe you this (a picture of a burger or something)", he got angry and I said how he never got me anything and he said he wasn't my mom for me to ask him for stuff. After talking about it, he said I should lead by example and get him gifts too. So I made him a portrait.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The cons far outweigh the pros. You've wasted enough time in this. You are very incompatible and that leads to all this friction. Next time do not over-invest or give with the expectation of getting.

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