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Thread: Made a list of pros and cons of my boyfriend. Does this mean I should end it?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Will you be okay with him rarely or ever buying you presents or making efforts on Valentines Day, etc? Or do you plan on having continuous fights over it?

    He's not going to magically change. In fact, if anything, he will get worse as time goes by and bills get higher. If you think he's stingy now, wait 5-10 years.

    You're either going to have to accept how he is or let it go.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Just one thing to add. Learn how to ask for what you want effectively (not with this guy, since he's not good bf material). I said how he never got me anything That's attacking a person and a person will only want to lash back and defend themselves. Instead, you should use "I" sentences, since people normally can't argue with what you want and how you feel, i.e. Valentine's Day is important to me. I'd love it if we could exchange cards." See the difference? It's positive. Read some books on how to communicate with a partner to come to a consensus. Good luck.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by serendipitat
    Thank you for this. I'm not against his hobbies, I wouldn't want us to be talking non-stop all day. We usually text back every 2-3 hours during the day. I am taking 7 online courses and am pretty much focused in school all day, and when I take a break from school I usually log off and just relax on my own. I'm not asking for time from him, I'm just evaluating our whole relationship. We're OK as of now given the whole situation. This whole thing comes up because I've been evaluating everything, and I've thought exactly what you mention: that it's felt like the bored stage after years of marriage since January. And we're not married, so what will I get if I do get married to him? It's obvious he'd try even less.
    I don't know your story so well and there are a lot of things we can't possibly know through a screen. I don't know whether it's right or not to assume that far into the future and assume that he'd be a total potato in a marriage. If what I'm hearing is correct this person doesn't appear to communicate well with you and show you enough affection. There aren't any signs of abuse, manipulation, lies, rudeness or serious red flags. You are unhappy with him and convinced that he's checked out mentally/emotionally. Is this correct?

    Do you mind me asking something about the family business? Do you feel like he doesn't have the same amount of ambition as you? Something is missing? Is he too complacent about life in general, not just your relationship? Does he live each moment fully and treat things around him with real value and not take things forgranted? Those are all valid feelings. It doesn't make someone bad or a bad person. I don't even know if they're real red flags as someone else might come along and not be too phased by someone who coasts through life like that. My husband and I spent our previous anniversary very frugally but that's just our style and we catch up on the simpler things that also happen not to cost a lot of money. I don't have a price tag for a dinner he cooks me. The experience is immeasurable in worth or value. Someone else might look down on us or think our life is inferior because we don't have elaborate celebrations but maybe it's not about big shows. You may be searching for the same thing too - someone who creates magic where there is none and inspires you and vice versa. Someone who tries or makes you feel special.

    I don't think you deserve to live your life feeling like you're missing out. Only you can know that.. I have been in your shoes! And longed wistfully for change. If you don't feel it's right, it's better to be kind and end it peacefully or as amicably as possible.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I don't know your story so well and there are a lot of things we can't possibly know through a screen. I don't know whether it's right or not to assume that far into the future and assume that he'd be a total potato in a marriage. If what I'm hearing is correct this person doesn't appear to communicate well with you and show you enough affection. There aren't any signs of abuse, manipulation, lies, rudeness or serious red flags. You are unhappy with him and convinced that he's checked out mentally/emotionally. Is this correct?

    Do you mind me asking something about the family business? Do you feel like he doesn't have the same amount of ambition as you? Something is missing? Is he too complacent about life in general, not just your relationship? Does he live each moment fully and treat things around him with real value and not take things forgranted? Those are all valid feelings. It doesn't make someone bad or a bad person. I don't even know if they're real red flags as someone else might come along and not be too phased by someone who coasts through life like that. My husband and I spent our previous anniversary very frugally but that's just our style and we catch up on the simpler things that also happen not to cost a lot of money. I don't have a price tag for a dinner he cooks me. The experience is immeasurable in worth or value. Someone else might look down on us or think our life is inferior because we don't have elaborate celebrations but maybe it's not about big shows. You may be searching for the same thing too - someone who creates magic where there is none and inspires you and vice versa. Someone who tries or makes you feel special.

    I don't think you deserve to live your life feeling like you're missing out. Only you can know that.. I have been in your shoes! And longed wistfully for change. If you don't feel it's right, it's better to be kind and end it peacefully or as amicably as possible.
    He's ambitious and I don't doubt I would have a decent life if I do end up staying with him. We are both very hard workers, and he's really invested in his family business and making good money. I've worked since I was 18 in corporate jobs which led me to land a good job in government. Again, I don't care for money or expensive gifts, everything I need I buy myself. I treat myself with expensive stuff, I don't expect to get those things from him. I'd be happy with him cooking for me like your husband does.
    To me it's not the amount of things, or the cost, especially knowing a dollar is nothing to him now that he's earning a lot. I don't want him giving me glamorous gifts, or jewelry, or clothes. The most special gifts I've received from him have been a random rose during a date, a bouquet of flowers he made himself (out of foam sheets), a chocolate bar he left in my car.
    I value effort and thoughtfulness. An "I was on my way here and thought you might like this", an "hey you've been pretty stressed, let me help you with X thing", or "since you've been sick i sent you some soup" haha I don't know! That's what I want. And it's not like I'm asking for it on a DAILY basis, It just never happens!

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  6. #25
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by serendipitat
    I value effort and thoughtfulness. An "I was on my way here and thought you might like this", an "hey you've been pretty stressed, let me help you with X thing", or "since you've been sick i sent you some soup" haha I don't know! That's what I want. It just never happens!
    You two are incompatible. You want him to be something he is not. He will NEVER change. This is who he is. You either accept him as he is, or end it and find someone who meets your wants and needs. This guy is not it.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Well let me put it to you another way then....you want him to be thoughtful with you, considerate, romantic. He barely has done that in the past and there's not much hope of it changing now.

    If you threaten, he might temporarily do some things to make you stay, but he'll fall back into his laziness with you and won't bother.

    It's you who get's to decide whether you stick around for more of it, or not. Though I am guessing that you will stay just to see if he'll change and there's a good chance you'll be wasting your time.

    You can't change people. H'e stingy and fairly inconsiderate. That's just how it is.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    The fact alone that you know he prefers tall blondes, just goes to show what an azz he is. He shouldn't be giving out that information at all. Why? Because it then makes his current partner feel like second choice.

    The bad outweighs the good.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He is not a rom com kind of guy.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by serendipitat
    I value effort and thoughtfulness. An "I was on my way here and thought you might like this", an "hey you've been pretty stressed, let me help you with X thing", or "since you've been sick i sent you some soup" haha I don't know! That's what I want. And it's not like I'm asking for it on a DAILY basis, It just never happens!
    It's never going to happen, either, at least not with a certain amount of resentment from him attached to the gesture. He doesn't get it, and he doesn't want to get it. He's not the one.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you from different cultures or socioeconomic backgrounds? You and your family seem very close knit and seem to celebrate every event and non-event. Your constant and obvious "hints" are off-putting to people.

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