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Thread: Made a list of pros and cons of my boyfriend. Does this mean I should end it?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    That guy is never going to love you like you want him too. Crying, forcing, begging, punishing...it won't work. He does not care to do the things you want him to.

    You are incompatible and instead of making both of your lives miserable, end things. You want two different things.

    He's not going to change and neither are you.

  2. #12
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    When it comes to the point of making a list of pros and cons, it appears that ship has already sailed, (imo). Having said that, it's time to make a decision, rather than rolling the dice while wasting each others time.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    There's some veiled disrespect on both sides there and it's no wonder you're not interested and he may not be as interested either. He thinks you're materialistic and superficial and you think he's stingy and he doesn't show you enough affection. If he owns his own business, it's unlikely he's going to have time to entertain you. I'm very sorry to say that. He may be having serious doubts about you also and whether you're able to be there for him or understand whatever pressures he may be under keeping his business going.

    At the end of the day you only have to answer to yourself. If you don't want to be around a guy like this, say your goodbyes and walk. Don't be afraid to make your own way without someone who doesn't make you happy. What's stopping you? Do you feel like your complaints aren't justified?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Having said that, it's time to make a decision, rather than rolling the dice while wasting each others time.
    True.
    Running back and hoping and expecting it to be as you want, isn't working. It's time to either accept that he's not going to be the man you want (and no, you can't force him to be) or end things and tell him it's not enough for you.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by HeartGoesOn
    When it comes to the point of making a list of pros and cons, it appears that ship has already sailed, (imo). Having said that, it's time to make a decision, rather than rolling the dice while wasting each others time.
    It's just really hard for me to let go. Incredibly so. We broke things up a while ago and I regretted it almost instantly. And we have a lot of plans, even in the near future, this makes me think maybe I should be content with what I have. But also I shouldn't sacrifice this much happiness, truth is I'm not as happy as I wish I was with him. I don't know if this is when I choose to compromise and work on things to be content, or if I shouldn't be settling. I'm afraid I'll regret it.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    There's some veiled disrespect on both sides there and it's no wonder you're not interested and he may not be as interested either. He thinks you're materialistic and superficial and you think he's stingy and he doesn't show you enough affection. If he owns his own business, it's unlikely he's going to have time to entertain you. I'm very sorry to say that. He may be having serious doubts about you also and whether you're able to be there for him or understand whatever pressures he may be under keeping his business going.

    At the end of the day you only have to answer to yourself. If you don't want to be around a guy like this, say your goodbyes and walk. Don't be afraid to make your own way without someone who doesn't make you happy. What's stopping you? Do you feel like your complaints aren't justified?
    It's his family business, and he helps out. I've been with him since he started and I have always been very supportive of it, I work his marketing department and he knows he counts on me, he's always thanking me for that. He has plenty of time, he's only taking two online classes and spends his days watching Netflix and playing GTA. We text during the entire day and speak on the phone/videochat every now and then. I would never ask him for stuff I know he's not able to give, I rarely even ask for stuff. I only mentioned I had thought he'd get me something on Valentine's Day (since we'd been apart and we always celebrated it).

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by serendipitat
    It's his family business, and he helps out. I've been with him since he started and I have always been very supportive of it, I work his marketing department and he knows he counts on me, he's always thanking me for that. He has plenty of time, he's only taking two online classes and spends his days watching Netflix and playing GTA. We text during the entire day and speak on the phone/videochat every now and then. I would never ask him for stuff I know he's not able to give, I rarely even ask for stuff. I only mentioned I had thought he'd get me something on Valentine's Day (since we'd been apart and we always celebrated it).
    Thanks for the added info. There comes a point in every relationship where the people involved have to resume their regular lives and the focus isn't on each other anymore. 2+ years and you're feeling possibly what most married couples do after some time. He should have his own hobbies and so should you. But if he's really neglecting the relationship and not putting enough effort into it, I'd talk about it more before throwing the towel in. Over turn every stone before you walk away to satisfy your own self and know that you're walking away to live a fuller life without this person.

    I don't believe in ending long term relationships because of a dull period or during an emotional or tougher periods like these lock downs or distancing. Do what's right for you but don't make any decisions if you're not sure because it's unlikely people will trust you again. Don't do the on/off relationships or make decisions in the heat of the moment or while one of you is feeling bored and upset. Work on communicating a lot better. Give each other space too. Texting each other all day isn't healthy. Put the phones down and focus on something else. Your mind should have the opportunity to work on numerous things without the voice of your partner interjecting all the time, whether it's approval or disapproval and vice versa. Create some boundaries and separation there. Increase the quality of time you both do spend with each other. I think what he chooses to do in his free time whether it's GTA or Netflix or create art or garden or build things should remain private and part of his relaxing time alone. Do you feel annoyed that he spends more time doing those things than showing you affection?

    If you want to end it, it should be for good and because the entire future is blighted by that person's presence and you really don't see yourself living your best life around that person. Maybe it's difference in priorities, maybe it's different in lifestyles, maybe it's differences in how you both spend your time and not being able to see eye to eye. Once you feel you've exhausted all avenues of communication and nothing is working, close the door. Otherwise, practice good boundaries and give each other plenty of space to spread your wings and find new hobbies and have quiet/private time away from each other. I think it's healthy for both of you to develop identities outside of the relationship too.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok breakups are not easy. You'll have to rip off the bandaid. As far as your naughty or nice list, well he gets coal in his stocking.🧦🎅
    Originally Posted by serendipitat
    It's just really hard for me to let go. We broke things up a while ago and I regretted it almost instantly

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Thanks for the added info. There comes a point in every relationship where the people involved have to resume their regular lives and the focus isn't on each other anymore. 2+ years and you're feeling possibly what most married couples do after some time. He should have his own hobbies and so should you. But if he's really neglecting the relationship and not putting enough effort into it, I'd talk about it more before throwing the towel in. Over turn every stone before you walk away to satisfy your own self and know that you're walking away to live a fuller life without this person...
    Thank you for this. I'm not against his hobbies, I wouldn't want us to be talking non-stop all day. We usually text back every 2-3 hours during the day. I am taking 7 online courses and am pretty much focused in school all day, and when I take a break from school I usually log off and just relax on my own. I'm not asking for time from him, I'm just evaluating our whole relationship. We're OK as of now given the whole situation. This whole thing comes up because I've been evaluating everything, and I've thought exactly what you mention: that it's felt like the bored stage after years of marriage since January. And we're not married, so what will I get if I do get married to him? It's obvious he'd try even less.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    His cons are red flags all over the place. Yes, you should end it!

    He's very stingy. I hate that in a man. My husband loves discounts and good deals just like the next person but he's definitely not stingy. He's a very generous tipper and since we both work hard, he buys me things that I want and we save money in other areas. When we disagree, he humbly apologizes which I appreciate. He never tells me that he prefers different types of women. Oh my, that's death in a relationship or marriage.

    Commemorating Valentine's Day, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc. is a beautiful thing to do. These celebrations or gift giving should be mutual. If it isn't, you'll always feel slighted and not appreciated. My husband and I don't celebrate every special occasion but we do random things throughout the year whether it's a special dinner, outing, I'll tell him what I want such as perfume, jewelry (rarely), clothes, shoes, frequent trips to the hair salon, designer handbags and the like. I give him hints. I don't like flowers and chocolates! I want something that lasts permanently and doesn't die nor get eaten. He likes car or camera accessories so I get him that.

    You need to realize that a sound, normal relationship is about being treated with HABITUAL respect and kindness because that is the definition of loyal, sincere love. Respect is the only thing that endures. There is no other way. Any other way is simply unacceptable and intolerable.

    Your boyfriend's belligerent behavior and holding grudges is very alarming. Being defensive, gaslighting you and the whole ugly lot means you need to exit the relationship now. The sooner the better because he gives you emotional abuse. Your boyfriend lacks emotional intelligence (EQ). Any time anyone lacks emotional intelligence, it's time to go your separate ways. He lacks empathy.

    You're not over thinking. This isolation is a good time for you to think long and hard. It puts character into perspective or lack thereof. I've done it myself and after thinking long and hard, it all makes sense. I've rejected certain people out of my life and it feels very empowering and liberating. Surround yourself with moral, very upstanding people. The rest of the bad people should not be part of your life, period. Enforce your own boundaries. You will become much more content and secure this way.

    Most of all, your boyfriend LIES. That's a major, final, permanent deal breaker right there. Once I catch anyone who is dishonest and won't tell the truth, it's over. Once a liar, always a liar. You'll never be able to trust him. A person who lies is deceitful and betrays you. Beware.

    Listen to your gut and dump him!

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