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Thread: Confused

  1. #1

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    Confused

    I am 47 and met a younger woman (24) a few months ago through my job. We started talking basically just friendly and shortly thereafter we flirted some too. We talked and/or texted daily for a couple months. We both admitted there was an attraction. I took her on a date and we just hung out a time or two. It just kept progressing. She was still dating other people and my feelings for her reached a point to where we had some conversation about us. She confessed she really liked me too but kept saying it wouldn't work out. Finally she called me one evening after a date that went bad. I got upset and she asked why. I told her how I felt completely and that I didn't want to be just FWB or basically anything short of a true relationship with her. She said she didn't think that was an option with me. So after some discussion we began actually dating. Then we had some issues. She still did not appear to be committed to us. I caught her in a lie and I broke it off. That was a month ago and we have still talked or text every day but one. Mostly just friendly discussions but she occasionally we talk about us. She's back to saying we could never work because she wants another kid (has one from previous marriage) and I had a vasectomy years ago after having kids of my own. She says she loves me, loves how I treated her and that she gets along better with me than anyone ever before. Occasionally she will say things that indicates she hasn't completely ruled out a relationship with me but at times she becomes very withdrawn. I feel like her past bad relationships, some lack of confidence and just other things she's dealing with personally are also a major factor in her inability to make a decision about whether she wants to give us a chance. So my question is how long do I let this play out? I love her more than I ever thought possible. I was never happier than when we were together. She has dated another guy who is older as well and he kind of fits this "mold" of the type of person she thinks she wants to be with but he's not good to her, she doesn't exactly like his personality and she does not have the feelings for him she has for me. She's not with that guy now either but she says things that makes me believe she is torn between being with the person she loves or the person who can possibly give her the lifestyle she's always wanted. Thoughts?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Age gap relationships of 20 or more years have a 95 percent failure rate, so it's no surprise it hasn't worked out. On top of that, never be with someone who doesn't have 100 percent confidence in being with you. If in fact it did work out, you'd be retiring 23 years before her, sitting home alone while she goes to work, and then she'll have to be taking plenty of days off of work to bring you to the doctor a lot more often with your elderly needs.

    As a woman, I have enough on my plate, helping out my elderly parents when needed. So glad I married a man 3 years younger, because if he was 23 years older than me, I'd be exhausted tending to his elderly needs as well.

    Once there is no more social distancing in place, I suggest Meetup.com or OLD to find a woman closer to your age, who is no longer interested in having children and with whom you match in life stages. You'll have a higher risk of success.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I think its a mistake to think you know how she feels. You only know what she tells you. And that goes for anyone of any age.

    You tell yourself these things because they support your desire to be with her, while you ignore what she does and says. Mainly about what she wants in life, more children and that she doesn't see a future with you.

    Ask yourself, if she really wanted to be with you, why is there another guy, that doesn't treat her well in the picture? Why isn't she with you? Her choice.

    I know youth and attraction is intoxicating, 24, is still being a very young adult for most people. Her frontal lobe might not be fully developed yet. Not a character flaw, just a fact that effects her actions and decisions.

    However, you're wasting your life on a much younger woman. time is on her side. not yours. Find someone that flows with you, wants the same as you and let go of fantasies...

    You're simply not compatible.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    General thoughts?

    A 23 year age difference is quite a gap to try to navigate. Just very, very different places in life: she's just starting out in the business of adulthood, entertaining changing ideas about who she is and what she wants her future to look like—things you've been doing, and have done, since longer than she's been breathing. Can't help but wonder if that's one of the issues here and, in your shoes, I'd just be realistic about all that. Seems she has, in ways, as I suspect that's one of the reasons why, right from the start, she hasn't been convinced that you two can really work.

    About that? Well, it kind of seems like the foundation of this relationship isn't so much two people who want to be in it, but one person (you) trying to convince another (her) how to feel. Age gap aside, that's generally a pretty fragile baseline, as its kind of built, in this case, on you not quite respecting her feelings as she describes them. Which you seemed to recognize in ways, in breaking it off, but are now kind of trying to un-recognize? Might be worth reflecting on why you're so eager to be with someone who has been, at best, lukewarm and on the fence about being with you, while making it pretty clear in her actions that she's wanting to explore romance with people who aren't you.

    In terms of how long to let it play out? That's up to you, in the end. From where I sit? It already seems to have played out, with some hope and denial fogging your windshield. I know the idea can be comforting that someone might suddenly "come around" and realize they want to be with you, no doubts, but in reality I've never actually seen that happen in a way that leads to sustainable harmony. Generally, the person in your position, finds themselves feeling less than secure, doubting things, worried when the other shoe, so to speak, is going to drop. In other words, how you felt during the very brief time you dated.

    You're coming up on 50. Great time in life. Time to be dead honest with yourself and ask: Is this really the person you see complimenting that period, or could your attraction to this maybe be part of you wanting to relive a period of life you've already lived?

  5. #5
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    The age gap is huge.

    She has told you multiple times that it will not work, you need to listen.

    You need to move on from this and find someone closer to your age. By continuing, you are setting yourself for a lot of disappointment.

  6. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You sound like a friend of mine...same situation. He obsessed for 2 years+ needlessly because he wouldn't LISTEN.

    She cannot and will not give you what you want. You don't fulfill her expectations...the only thing you have going for this is that she's attracted to you...that's it. There is no substance, this is just an infatuation/fantasy.

    The smackdown: get your head out of your butt and listen...she doesn't love you, she doesn't want you long term, date someone who wants the same things, is at the same stage in your life.

  7. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this too many obstacles. She wants younger men to date. Unfortunately she seems to view as a big brother or father figure, telling you about her dates etc.
    Originally Posted by MB73
    She was still dating other people
    She confessed she really liked me too but kept saying it wouldn't work out.

  8. #8
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    That's not a "younger" woman. 35-40 would have been a younger woman. 24 is robbing the cradle. At 47 you should know better than to chase after someone who is probably closer to your children's age and who has told you to your face that she doesn't view you as a viable long-term partner.

    Yet, it sounds like you are so focused on her youth that you choose to close your ears to her words and overlook the glaring incompatibilities that stem from dating someone HALF your age, who on top of that does not view you as an attractive long-term option. She may not love him but she doesn't love you either. She just loves the attention.

    It sounds like she is looking for a "provider" to have more children with. In addition, based on the information that you provided about her, it sounds like she is knowingly settling for much older than her guys because she is going to choose based on what that man can provide for her not based on his "good soul". If she is going to become someone's nurse down the line, she is aiming for the one who will give her the lifestyle that she has always wanted. Quid pro quo.

  9. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    She told you it wouldn't work before it even started. She's been telling you that all along.
    You need to focus your sights on someone who shares your level of interest and enthusiasm and not hold out for someone who keeps telling you no.
    Instead of listening to what she's saying, you turned your focus on her past relationships possibly affecting her ability to be with you. This is just another attempt to dismiss what she is actually telling you.

  10. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You can't be serious...not only could you be her father, but with that age gap, you could be her grandfather. You're the adult here, are you not more sensible on how this will not work?

    I cannot believe a man your age doesn't know better.

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